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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like I have just messed it all up with my baby ds

83 replies

rosycheeksmum · 26/03/2012 14:57

He is 3 months old and just breastfed. I have fed him on demand during the day and at night, and now he just wants to feed all night and won't sleep in his own bed as I often fall asleep feeding him in our bed.

I suppose it's comments from family that are getting me down, you can tell they think I've ruined him and created a child who won't sleep when 'he should be starting to sleep through the night by now'.

I won't leave him to cry which is the other suggestion, that I just 'need to be tough with him and teach him to sleep in his own bed' - I don't want to be tough with my very small baby! But I feel v down today and as if I started off with a good sleeper and through my own bad habit of falling asleep with him (I try so hard not to do this, even go on MN on my phone to keep me awake at night but sometimes even if I'm sitting up it just overcomes me) i have ended up with a difficult baby and have really mucked things up. :(

OP posts:
spartafc · 26/03/2012 19:11

I have a similarly messed up DS (now 2.3 years old). I co-slept, fed to sleep, rarely put him down, didn't let him cry himself to sleep etc. All the stuff that usually attracts the Hmm responses.
A couple of friends suggested to me that I might be making things harder than they needed to be.
I listened to them, thought about it a bit. Then carried on doing what felt right to me.
My DS is now a brilliant sleeper, straight into his cot and asleep without any fuss. He isn't overly clingy (he started at nursery a few weeks ago and hasn't had any problems at all).
If you are happy doing it your way, then carry on.

GavisconJunkie · 26/03/2012 19:17

Spartafc - totally agree. I was so worried about the whole 'rod for my own back ' thing that I was trying to break habits before they began etc. The best advice I ever had came from an NCT group leader who asked why I wanted to waste precious energy tackling problems that might happen when I could just deal with them if they were to happen. Fantastic advice and my DD 2.3 is also now a great sleeper having been 'spoilt rotten' according to my mil.

OriginalJamie · 26/03/2012 19:31

Both mine did, but I was very bothered about sleep deprivation, did not breastfeed or co-sleep (found co-sleeping too anxiety-provoking) so was very motivated to try a routine. And it did work (did not Cry it out either).

Which takes me back to my point, As GJ says, you have to pick your battles and try your best to relax, which is admittedly hard to do with your first child.

I really think there is not right way, only what is right for you

OriginalJamie · 26/03/2012 19:31

both mine did sleep through before 12 weeks, but then we had ups and downs with teething etc

GavisconJunkie · 26/03/2012 19:33

OJ you inspire me. My immense bump is being instructed to sleep through before 12 weeks. In fairness, I forgot to mention it expressly to DD1. :o

Shushshessleeping · 26/03/2012 19:39

I did the exact thing with my DS (7 months) until last month when he seemed ready to stop cosleeping. He goes to sleep in his cot no problems at all, no rocking or patting needed. He sleeps generally well, stills wakes for a feed around 12 and 4 but otherwise ok. You are NOT spoiling your DC! I'll do the same for the next one bit I wont stress as much about sleep.

MrFunnytheEasterBunny · 26/03/2012 19:42

I can only echo the sentiments of others; you are meeting the needs of your baby, and have absolutely not ruined him!

I BF my son, and remember all too well the bone crushing exhaustion of the night feeds. It didn't get better until he went onto solids at 6 months, but it's such a small amount of time that it is worth it.

There is plenty of time to get him settled into his own bed. My son started sleeping through the night properly (I mean from 7 until 7) when he was about 8 months and eating three good meals a day.

I certainly didn't ruin him, he went into a "big boy bed" when he was 20 months and sleeps wonderfully now, and is a smashing lad!

Being a mummy is hard, just ignore the critics and follow your instincts!

JuliaScurr · 26/03/2012 19:51

Probably the first words ever spoken by a human being were 'Ooh, you're doing that wrong' said to a mother by some random person who hadn'tbeen asked for advice.
You and your baby will be fine.

moanymandy · 26/03/2012 19:59

Oh you really haven't mucked anything up! Seriously at 3 months this is completely normal!!
My ds didn't sleep through until 10 months (I bet you didn't want to read that!Grin) I tried everything including letting him cry and it didn't make a difference!

You just do whatever you need to do to get through and get some sleep! As annoying as it is your family will no doubt find something else to comment on if it wasn't his sleeping pattern!

Chin up it does get easier (the sleep and having to listen to family's 'I know best' comments!) Smile

Anniegetyourgun · 26/03/2012 20:19

Oh yes, and you'll be weaning him all wrong and potty training him all wrong and teaching him to read (or not teaching him to read) all wrong... but the only thing you are actually doing wrong is listening to the heckling from the peanut gallery. It's very hard with your first when you haven't got the confidence and everyone else seems to know what they're talking about, but actually, quite often, they don't.

The most authoritative advice on getting DS4 to sleep that I received was from a single colleague who as far as I could tell had never had anything to do with babies in his life. I thanked him for the benefit of his vast experience in the field of child-rearing and carried on doing it my way.

MummytoKatie · 26/03/2012 20:25

My dd started sleeping through the night at 12 weeks. At 7 months she started teething and stopped sleeping through the night. She is two tomorrow and still not reliable through the night.

Not sure what my point is but the is definitely one in there somewhere!

Itfinallyhappened · 26/03/2012 20:30

We co slept with our bf dds, dd1 slept through at 9 weeks, dd2 at 11 weeks dd3 at 18 months. Co sleeping and bf won't ruin him, and babies develop at different rates, he will sleep through eventually though when is anyone's guess I'm afraid

CrystalsAreCool · 26/03/2012 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheshireDing · 26/03/2012 20:56

I was told to let our baby cry herself to sleep but once she was born there was no way I could let that happen, poor mite :(

Our DD is 5.5 months and we have never co-slept but there were many ocassions when I did fall asleep sat up in bed with her on me (because I was knackered and she was growth spurting or having a Wonder Week and waking all the time).

Personally having now experienced it I think people whose babies sleep through are lucky. Plus ebf babies are more likely to wake more often for feeding then ff babies anyway. All new babies only have little tums so they are going to wake often for feeds, that's just how it is.

Their sleep patterns seem to change too, you think you have cracked it then another phase comes along and messes it all up.

WHO guidelines state they should be in your room for the first 6 months. DD only moved to the nursery at around 5months because she was waking herself in the basket and needed to go in the cot because it was bigger. I slept in the nursery for the first week though. I suspect those telling you to be tough etc are an older generation and things have changed since then.

Some snippets of advice are useful but loads you will learn yourself as you go along, enjoy it, it's knackering but your tiny baby will grow and change so fast :)

Kitty5824 · 26/03/2012 21:05

Join us here Dec 2011 thread

We're all winging it together Wink

Springforward · 26/03/2012 21:20

My bf on demand DS didn't sleep through even once before 6 months. Sounds entirely normal to me!

My MIL was fab when DS turned up, but she didn't half fret about him being bf on demand. Emerged (much) later that her own bf experiences had been tricky and abandoned early due to lack of support. She was just worried about us, bless her. (Didn't say that at the time, mind Blush)

OhdearNigel · 26/03/2012 21:27

Ignore them. I know it takes strength but it's the best thing. Eventually they will get bored of trying to force you do do things their way.

And you don't have a difficult baby, you have a normal baby

Original poster
rosycheeksmum · 26/03/2012 23:27

Thanks everyone, I feel so much better. Will come over to the Dec 2011 thread - going to try to get some sleep now! Thanks

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 26/03/2012 23:36

You are doing amazingly. 3 month olds rarely sleep through properly. Just make the baby feels loved and secure, you can start sleep training when he/she is older. We have just done it one his first birthday and it was really easy.

mrsrupertpenryjones · 26/03/2012 23:37

Ignore these people - my first baby was BF - she slept through from 8 weeks, look at me with my perfect routine ... enter second baby - also BF didn't sleep through until he was 13 months.

Babies are just all different - have you tried feed lying down / co sleeping - it was a lifesaver for me in terms of getting more sleep.

Just nod and say ooh that's interesting or that's something to consider and ignore everyone and carry on as you were.

You'll be fine.

Mondayschild78 · 27/03/2012 00:16

Just want to echo everyone's comments that you're doing a great job. There is no right or wrong way, just what works for you. Enjoy your baby!

bringmesunshine2009 · 27/03/2012 00:29

I could have written your post 7 months ago OP. It is only in the past 2 weeks that DS2 has started sleeping 8pm to 6am in his own cot. Thank god. I too was terrified we would be ed sharing until he was 20. I set my alarm on my phone for 15 mins for night feeds, but still didn't wake up. Hang in there, you're doing great!

theonewiththenoisychild · 27/03/2012 00:41

My dd is 4 and ds is 2 and they dont sleep through the night Sad they both seem to be going through a phase of interrupted sleep every child or baby is different

whackamole · 27/03/2012 02:37

DS3 is 5 months and I'm doing exactly the same. It works for us, and frankly, although I got the catsbummouth from my mother after I told her we were co-sleeping (mainly) I don't care.

I also don't subscribe to a friend's helpful 'stop spoiling him' comment. He is a baby for crying out loud! You are doing wonderfully, if he is still breast feeding and sleeping in your bed at say, 6 years old, you may want to try weaning him off it, but for now it's fine!

TroublesomeEx · 27/03/2012 08:27

OP, he's a tiny baby. My DD slept on my chest at night until she was a few months old. I BF on demand.

She's now 5, she sleeps through the night in her own bed and has done since she stopped BF at around 18 months.

When you have a baby everyone thinks they know what's best for your baby and it's quite often the opposite to whatever you are doing!

Just ignore them.