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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL said this to my DS.....

102 replies

leothelioness · 25/03/2012 17:26

MIL has always been quick tempered and has a foul mouth if she is upset but today she took it a step too far. DS 8 pushed MIL as he was walking out of a room as she was winding him up (admittedly he was at fault and should not have pushed her at all) but she started really shouting at him things like 'you are a horrrid boy' 'I hate you' etc etc anyway it was loud enough that I heard her in the garden. I came in to find out what happened DS ran out of the room crying and was still within ear shot when she continued that 'he has bad blood just like ' 'I hate him' and she was swearing again and again.
I said to DH tell her to stop swearing, he has grown up with it and does not view it as strongly as I do and just said to her stop it its enough as both he and DS were just about to go out they did and she just wnet up to the bedroom still mumbling.
I am still fuming how dare she speak to my child that way.
Am I overreacting? am so angry that I dont know what to do.

OP posts:

scummymummy · 26/03/2012 09:54

The other thing I would wonder about here is whether the little boy has picked up big time on the fact that his grandma's presence in the house is really upsetting his parents. Perhaps this led him to behave in such an out of character way. A misguided attempt to protect his mum and dad by moving the focus onto himself and up the chance of grandma being evicted, solving the family problem. I'm not sure i'd be happy to give him the message that this is in his power to achieve by kicking your mil out at this point, if you think there's any of that kind of dynamic. have you had a chance to talk to your dh about it all yet,op?

Mumsyblouse · 26/03/2012 10:14

There's a big difference between 'pushing her' (i.e. going up to MIL and pushing her hard) and 'pushing past her' in which she got in the way as he tried to leave the room (which would be pretty much justified).

I would not be too hard on a child who pushed past the MIL if she had been upsetting/goading him, this is his home and he has a right to live in peace and quiet, as for her swearing/badblood/I hate you, totally totally unacceptable.

scummymummy · 26/03/2012 10:17

totally agree with that,mumsy

startail · 26/03/2012 10:23

YANBU
My DDad has a traditional view of child raising and might well shout at or give a quick slap to an out of order grandchild.

But he would never give a tirade of abuse and say he hated the child.

Original poster

leothelioness · 26/03/2012 10:23

Thanks for allthe replies, sorry I was not around yesterday to answer some of the queries. Yesterday DS got lots of kisses and cuddles and I spoke to him both about his behaviour and that of MIL and assured him that he is loved and adored by all of us.
MIL has been foul towards me in the past but not towards DC, she has a temper and swears when she is angry/upset.
Yesterday when DS came back with DH she came down and made a special effort of kissing, hugging him etc etc but these sudden mood swings are giving me whiplash. She did not appolgise out right though.
After the kids went to bed I spoke to DH telling him his mother behaviour was unacceptable and i am capable of dealing with her as an adult but if she ever spoke to DS in this was again I would put her on a plane back to her home as there is no where here she could stay and she will not live alone here.
We then spoke to MIL and told her what we thought and that she was NEVER to behave towards DS in this manner ever again. She just said she lost her temper and was when that happens she cannot control what comes out of her mouth .
I have told her that she need to seek help for her behaviour (therapy/anger management] as she cannot behave like this with my DC. She was initially reluctant but agreed when it was the only option for her to stay.
She is normally loving towards DCs and her mood swings worry me as it seems like there is something more than just a bad day. DH says she has always been like this but to me it does not seem like a normal reaction and all of you obviously see it in the same light as me (so maybe DH is just desensitized to the way she acts).

OP posts:

twooter · 26/03/2012 10:26

Funny it kicked off when you were outside. Do you think she might your child a lot when you're out the way?Have you asked him?

And she would be out the house immediately if it was my child. How can you expect him to live with an adult who says she hates him?

twooter · 26/03/2012 10:27

*Pick on your child

Original poster

leothelioness · 26/03/2012 10:29

I was not present in the room when she was having a go at him ( I was in the garden) I also did not witness the pushing, she said he pushed her, he said he pushed her when he left the room (maybe pushed her to pass I don't know) either way he does know it was unacceptable for him to do that.

OP posts:

Original poster

leothelioness · 26/03/2012 10:32

That is the confusing part twooter normally she says she loves him etc etc but she is strange and has weird ways of reacting when she is upset I wonder if it is the language barrier as english is not her first language.

He has naver mentioned her bullying him the past.

OP posts:

Original poster

leothelioness · 26/03/2012 10:34

Oh and for the posters who asked how old MIL was she is in her mid-60's

OP posts:

diddl · 26/03/2012 11:22

It read to me as if he pushed past her to get out of the room tbh.

And why would she start on at him in the first place-and carry on when he was running away from her(?)

She sounds awful & I`m thinking that she "can´t" control herself as no one has ever made her/told her to STFU!!

HoudiniHissy · 26/03/2012 11:25

Yes your H is desensitised, but it's great that you both put her straight.

How long is she due to be with you? Her line about not controlling what comes out of her mouth when she loses her temper is BS. If she has presence of mind to swear in another language, foreign to her own, she can check herself.

Watch her like a hawk, and I'd be making this the last time she stays for quite some time if I were you.

pumpkinsweetie · 26/03/2012 11:52

YANBU she sounds awful, how dare she speak to her grandchild in that way! Is your child her biological grandchild ?("you have bad blood like*, i hate him".

My mil has started to pick at my eldest of whom shes always regarded (not bio) as her own grandchild but now she does nothing but slag her off!

Whether he pushed her or knocked her doesnt excuse her behaviour

Southwest · 26/03/2012 12:20

I'm really confused about this sorry is MIL a guest in your house or hS she come to live with you?
If so why? Do you think it is possible she has behavioural issues where she was which is why she has come?

TBh it sounds a bit odd for someone in their 60s that's pretty young isn't it? Most people can keep their 'moods' under control at that age can't they?

Does she know ds well? Do they speak the same language? Do you have any idea what she was goading him about?

In terms of seeking help does she have the ability to do so? Do you think she can change? To be abusing your own grandson after 1 week is fairly full on isnt it?

Sorry for all the questions I'm not expecting answers just maybe some points to think about. I will also add that we have recently cut off contact with my MIL she has a long history of 'bad' behaviour but the final straw was her being verbally abusive to our 8 yr old and reducing our 2 to tears with her verbal abuse.

So I apologise if your MIL is really a sweet old lady, as I saw mine had a long history and both her and her FIL really failed to recognise there was anything wrong with her behaviour so we felt change was unlikely

QuintessentialShadows · 26/03/2012 12:25

I suppose this is the last time she comes to stay for any length of time?

Your son is a child.
This is your sons home. This is the one place where he should feel loved, relaxed and secure that all adults have his best interest at heart.

A stranger swooping in to bully him in his home is totally unacceptable. Even worse when this stranger is a grandmother, who he by default should trust.

This woman is a nasty piece of work. She is trying to bullshit her way out of a tight spot.

QuintessentialShadows · 26/03/2012 12:26

Are you the poster who has a mil who spends a few months witch each of her grown up sons, and then travels with friends the remaining part of the year?

I would not be so accommodating if I were you. She brings nothing positive to your life.

Southwest · 26/03/2012 12:30

Wow quint
I'm quite liking the sound of that

I'm thinking of some suitable places to 'guide' my kids too IYSWIM

QuintessentialShadows · 26/03/2012 12:38

Yeah, having one child in London, one in Paris, one in Bermuda, awesome!

Southwest · 26/03/2012 12:46

Oooh London Paris my picks too

I'm wondering whether we need a southern hemisphere one

Just for Winter

I can't find square brackets to do emoticons, I miss them

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 26/03/2012 12:47

I would tell her to leave. A few days, closely watched, to make any arrangements, then out, never to return. End of.

NoWayNoHow · 26/03/2012 14:57

OP, please can you answer the posters who have asked WHAT the fight between your DS and your MIL was about? It really is very important in terms of understanding the context of both your MIL and your DS' reactions to the situation.

ElephantsAreMadeOfElements · 26/03/2012 15:33

She has answered that she wasn't there and doesn't know (although I suppose could ask her MIL or DS, but as they appear to be trying to move on, dragging it back up because a bunch of people on the Internet want to know might not be massively constructive),

NoWayNoHow · 26/03/2012 18:51

elephants I don't see how she can genuinely judge the seriousness of the situation without knowing from her DS or from MIL what the issue was. If it was serious enough to cause such an out-of-character reaction from her DS, then I would be getting to the bottom of it very quickly so that I could make an informed decision on whether or not the consequences for MIL need to be slightly more severe.

NoWayNoHow · 26/03/2012 19:13

Also - doesn't she WANT to know?? If I saw my son treated like that, I wouldn't let another minute pass without getting to the bottom of it...

Original poster

leothelioness · 26/03/2012 21:01

southwest she knows DS quite well and yes he is biologically her grandchild. He does not speak her mother tongue but she can speak english. She is normally very loving towards DCs but I have personally had issues with her in the past.

No Quint MIL does not have multiple sons in interesting locations (but if I had relatives in exotic locations I would want to visit too) only DH.

When I had asked DS initially after the incident he was too upset to be very descriptive about what had happened, I did not persue the subject at the time as it was upsetting him further he just said she was mean and horrible to him and irregardless of what was said MIL's behaviour towards him afterwards was unacceptable and if anything even vaguely similar ever happens in the future she will be told to leave. Today DS is back to his old happy self so I have not brought up the subject again with him.

Today she has made his favourite food and has seems to have been extra nice to him all day, so we shall see but she will not be alone with DS for a long long time.

OP posts:

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