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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL said this to my DS.....

102 replies

leothelioness · 25/03/2012 17:26

MIL has always been quick tempered and has a foul mouth if she is upset but today she took it a step too far. DS 8 pushed MIL as he was walking out of a room as she was winding him up (admittedly he was at fault and should not have pushed her at all) but she started really shouting at him things like 'you are a horrrid boy' 'I hate you' etc etc anyway it was loud enough that I heard her in the garden. I came in to find out what happened DS ran out of the room crying and was still within ear shot when she continued that 'he has bad blood just like ' 'I hate him' and she was swearing again and again.
I said to DH tell her to stop swearing, he has grown up with it and does not view it as strongly as I do and just said to her stop it its enough as both he and DS were just about to go out they did and she just wnet up to the bedroom still mumbling.
I am still fuming how dare she speak to my child that way.
Am I overreacting? am so angry that I dont know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
leothelioness · 25/03/2012 17:44

He initially did try to apologise as soon as it happened but she was having none of it and just kept being verbally abusive at whihc point he ran off to the other room he admitted he was wrong as soon as I spoke to him.

OP posts:
BupcakesandCunting · 25/03/2012 17:46

I would not give two hoots about her home situation if my DS felt bullied and victimised in his own home. I would have her bags packed for her like a shot. You don't need to wait to talk to your DH about his mother, this is your house and your son as much as his and you need to tell her that you won't stand for it. Since you're doing her such a favour by giving her somewhere to stay, I am shocked that she is behaving like this. Silly cow. I feel angry on your DS's behalf!

Original poster
leothelioness · 25/03/2012 17:46

I will speak to DH tonight once the kids are in bed so we can have a detailed discussion and come up with an action plan.
'nothappy' we would not kick her out if she were to leave it would be on a plane back to her home abroad but that would take a while to sort out but initially I would like to try and resolve this by setting boundaries etc

OP posts:
BupcakesandCunting · 25/03/2012 17:47

"to those posters who say that she needs to kick out the mil... would you really want to live with a man who kicked his own mother out of the house, knowing she had nowhere to go? i know that no matter how godawful 'd'h was, I would find that unforgivable"

I wouldn't. I would find it unforgivable if my DH put his son's needs after those of a grown woman behaving like an utter twat to a child.

Original poster
leothelioness · 25/03/2012 17:47

If the matter is not resolved quickly she will have to leave as we will have no other option I will not have DS treated like this.

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 25/03/2012 17:48

You need to get her out NOW.
Your ds shouldn't ever push anyone, but also an adult shouldn't be goading and bullying a child, especially blocking an exit at the same time, that is truely disgusting for an adult to do, let alone a grandmother!

He needs to apologise, she needs to aswell, and then she needs to leave.
Your ds home is his safe place, he shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in it by anyone, especially a guest!

If she can not behave in your home, she can and should be made to leave.

skybluepearl · 25/03/2012 17:49

Yes MIL is in the wrong and shouldn't have some what she did. Yes you need to calmly discuss how she deals with bad behaviour of your son. You could even agree what she should do in specific circomstances.

However I'm really very shocked that an 8 year old would push his granny! I was expecting you to say he was a young toddler but no, an 8 year old of all things! It is never ever acceptable to be physically agressive - even if its in retaliation for horrible/stong words.

My child would be in deep trouble for the behaviour you describe.

Ephiny · 25/03/2012 17:50

I think you do need to ask her to leave for everyone's sake. It's not right for her to swear at a child like that or say the things she did, and not fair on your DS to have to put up with that sort of verbal abuse no matter what he does.

But it's also not right for her to be shoved around by your son, no one should be subjected to physical aggression in their own home (even a temporary home!) no matter what they say.

Both were in the wrong IMO, the difference is that your DS is only a child, she's a grown woman who can and should move out, as living together is clearly not working for anyone.

MollyMurphy · 25/03/2012 17:51

I would not stand for anyone speaking to my child like that. She would have found herself at the end of a stern tongue lashing and been asked to go calm down and come back with an apology for her grandson. pushing or no, she is an a adult and set an extremely bad example for conflict resolution.....and was flat out abusive to boot.

Heyyyho · 25/03/2012 17:55

It sounds like quite a volatile house to be frank.

What was going on with your son? Is that usual behaviour?

No doubt your MIL was totally wrong. I was spoken to like that as a child and it has effected my self esteem. But I would be addressing the problem as a whole.

OTTMummA · 25/03/2012 17:55

A child reacting in an aggressive way isn't totally out of the ordinary when they are goaded and bullied.

It isn't right, and they should be punished accordingly.
However, it is, imo, much worse behaviour of an adult to wind up and goad a small child to the point the child feels they have to physically react.

If the child hasn't got form for this type of behaviour, then i would say it had taken something quite upsetting for them to do this, and if the person responsible for creating such a reaction was the grandmother, i would think so much less of them for it.

She wound him up, then refused to accept an apology, and then continued to verbally abuse the child with disgusting insults.
She is the adult here, she should be throughly ashamed.
She should also apologise, and in my house she would be asked told to leave.

Heyyyho · 25/03/2012 18:23

OTT sorry it you really don't know she would him up. We don't know the whole picture here. I feel there is a lot more going on in the dynamic of the family.

Original poster
leothelioness · 25/03/2012 18:26

heyyho as I have already said DS is not naturally an agressive child if I were to describe him normally he is a sensitive child who is a bit of a push over to be honest and is never physically agressive to anyone child or adult.
And he has already had privliges removed and I spoke to him as soon as the incident happened and he admited he was wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
leothelioness · 25/03/2012 18:28

According him, he asked her to 'just stop it' while she was going on at him in the first place before the pushing happened.

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 25/03/2012 18:31

I think you need to stop tiptoe-ing round her, tell her straight out, that if she behaves that way towards your DS again, you will ask her to leave that day. It is her choice to behave in that way, she's an adult. If she can't behave in a civilsed manner, including stopping swearing, she can sort her own living arrangements.

OTTMummA · 25/03/2012 18:33

so yes, she was winding him up, and then refused to stop after he asked her to.
She is charming isn't she.

OTTMummA · 25/03/2012 18:36

Your son sounds like a nice boy who was pushed to his limit.
Now, everyone knows that her behaviour doesn't justify his actions, and he has admitted he was wrong, and tried to apologise to her.

She however, is an adult, who should know a dam site better then to talk to children like that.
I wouldn't want someone who didn't see a problem swearing so profusely around children in my house, no matter who they were.

OriginalJamie · 25/03/2012 18:39

How old is she?

If she is behaving aggressively and irrationally, I'd wonder about dementia, mental health problems, alcohol?

This is not at all fair on your child.

Heyyyho · 25/03/2012 18:39

Ok that's different. In this case I don't think it's viable she stays with you for very long at all.

TidyDancer · 25/03/2012 18:41

Can another relative take her in? Is her living in the same country as you permanent? Need to know a bit more about the specifics of the set-up to judge whether you should kick her out tbh.

That said, I would at the very least be having a strong word with her and making it very clear that she is now on a last warning, ie if she speaks to anyone in the house like that again, she is gone.

NarkedPuffin · 25/03/2012 18:43

I hope you can sort this out with and put some strong boundaries in place.

JustHecate · 25/03/2012 18:54

She screamed at your child that she hates him

who the fuck CARES where she goes?

Heswall · 25/03/2012 18:54

Get her out of your house asap.
My MIL stayed with us for a couple of months, felt like a lot longer at the time and it took nearly 5 years to repair the damage it did, her using a key to come in when she knew I was at home, eating the kids biscuits little things but I could have throttled her at the time.

HoudiniHissy · 25/03/2012 18:56

I think you'd be best off arranging a B&B for a week to see how things go, so that your family can carry on in the routine, and she can come and go at her leisure, so people don't rub her up the wrong way, and likewise.

What she did is unforgivable, and unacceptable. I think the bandb is an option that conveys the lack of acceptance for this, without insisting she leaves and goes back home.

the cost is down to her or shared, but not to your entire expense (if you pay at all) she chooses if she keeps to her original schedule or cuts it short. She needs to be taught a solid lesson.

LoopyLoopsIsTentativelyBack · 25/03/2012 19:00

Sorry, but I agree with most of the others. I don't blame him for pushing past her if he was being relentlessly bullied, and her reaction is too harsh to come back from. If my mother or MIL did tat to one of my children, or indeed anyone's child, they would not be welcome in my house again.