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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL said this to my DS.....

102 replies

leothelioness · 25/03/2012 17:26

MIL has always been quick tempered and has a foul mouth if she is upset but today she took it a step too far. DS 8 pushed MIL as he was walking out of a room as she was winding him up (admittedly he was at fault and should not have pushed her at all) but she started really shouting at him things like 'you are a horrrid boy' 'I hate you' etc etc anyway it was loud enough that I heard her in the garden. I came in to find out what happened DS ran out of the room crying and was still within ear shot when she continued that 'he has bad blood just like ' 'I hate him' and she was swearing again and again.
I said to DH tell her to stop swearing, he has grown up with it and does not view it as strongly as I do and just said to her stop it its enough as both he and DS were just about to go out they did and she just wnet up to the bedroom still mumbling.
I am still fuming how dare she speak to my child that way.
Am I overreacting? am so angry that I dont know what to do.

OP posts:
ElephantsAreMadeOfElements · 25/03/2012 19:05

"to those posters who say that she needs to kick out the mil... would you really want to live with a man who kicked his own mother out of the house, knowing she had nowhere to go?"

If she were being consistently emotionally abusive to his (and my) children, YES.

OriginalJamie · 25/03/2012 19:06

I think your son does need to see clearly that his needs are being put first here

JustHecate · 25/03/2012 19:12

Yes.

I wouldn't want to live with a man who could see his mother screaming vile things at his child, and do nothing.

I'd lose all respect for him, and quite a bit of love too.

I'd boot my own mother halfway to hell if she said anything like that to my children.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 25/03/2012 19:14

I would rather live with a man who kicked out his own Mother than one who allowed his child to be bullied and spoken to like dirt. I would also rather live with a man who kicked out his own Mother rather than have his wife have someone she clearly dislikes live in her own home.

Pandemoniaa · 25/03/2012 19:30

I'd be most bothered at how such an incident has come about in the first place. If your ds is normally a polite, sensitive boy then the atmosphere must be dreadful if he can be goaded into behaving as he did. Pushing your MIL is not acceptable as he obviously realises but what is an alleged adult doing to provoke him into such an out of character act?

It is for your MIL to behave appropriate in your house. Not for the rest of you to tolerate the way she has spoken to your ds or her general attitude. So while I am not someone who would readily suggest asking a family member to leave, in this case I think she has to be warned that any more incidents of this nature will result in her early departure.

ilikecandyandrunning · 25/03/2012 19:32

Agree with pandemonia - she is goading your son

NoWayNoHow · 25/03/2012 19:33

Agree with pandemoniaa - what actually led to all of this? Do you know what she was saying to your DS? If it was upsetting enough to cause that kind of reaction from a normally shy boy, then I'd be equally as concerned about what was said before the pushing as what was said after...

QuintessentialShadows · 25/03/2012 19:36

To be honest, if your dh does not agree that she should go right away, then I suggest you and your son goes. Do you have your parents nearby you can move in with until she is out?

Otherwise, I suggest you book her a b&b.

It is appalling behaviour for an adult, to bully a child, and not respect his boundaries when he is asking her to stop.

She sound like a shit.

MrsMcEnroe · 25/03/2012 19:57

"to those posters who say that she needs to kick out the mil... would you really want to live with a man who kicked his own mother out of the house, knowing she had nowhere to go?"

Yes.

The MIL SCREAMED at her 8yo grandson that she hated him (amongst other things).

Of course she should be kicked out.

Can I reiterate that I was in a similar situation as a child - my parents used to leave me to stay overnight with my grandparents. My grandfather was an alcoholic, bipolar, schizophrenic AND violent. On one occasion he beat up my grandmother in front of me and told me it was my fault. I was 8 years old at the time.

As a child I was terrified of going anywhere near him. As an adult I will NEVER forgive my parents for leaving me there in that situation. My mum KNEW what he was like - she'd grown up with all that sh*t going on FFS - but she still left me with him overnight because she didn't want to upset him by saying that he was an unfit babysitter (!).

So - yes, the MIL should go.

Hoebag · 25/03/2012 20:02

Was it gentle winding up? or nasty

I think your son may have picked up on that she gets away with alot so he has to defend himself in a way. Im not trying ton excuse it but there must be a reason

Proudnscary · 25/03/2012 20:22

Of course MIL should go.

Absolutely gutted for your son. You do realise that an abusive grandparent, not just an abusive parent, can scar a child for life?

I wouldn't have her around my children at all. Their emotional development and well being is more important than trying to prevent a big family fallout/kick off.

pigletmania · 25/03/2012 20:27

My goodness I would not have her in my home, so what if she has nowhere to go, thats not your problem. Its you ds home first and foremost and he should be able to feel safe there. I would be having stern words with her, and if she does not shape up in YOUR home out she goes

pigletmania · 25/03/2012 20:31

nothappybunn of course I would, the MIL is a nasty vile bully, and op dc come first and foremost. They should be able to feel safe in their home without this nasty behaviour. There are options out there, so dh could find out so that MIL can live somewhere else.

aurynne · 25/03/2012 20:32

"to those posters who say that she needs to kick out the mil... would you really want to live with a man who kicked his own mother out of the house, knowing she had nowhere to go?"

If MY mother was acting like that towards any child of ours, I would make sure I'd kick her out myself.

Coconutty · 25/03/2012 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scummymummy · 25/03/2012 21:07

What do you mean by "winding him up" exactly? For me this would be the key. Was she bullying him in a mean way (why?) or teasing him in a gently intended way which he misunderstood? Do they get on ok usually?

If she is someone who generally dislikes and bullies your child then I would definitely want her to leave asap and would not want her in the house again, frankly.

On the other hand, if she and your son generally get along, I would not be so sure. I do agree that what she said afterwards was utterly unacceptable but if she is generally alright with your son I do wonder if her dreadful words could have been fueled by utter shock, anger and sadness at her 8 year old grandson pushing her? I must admit I would be totally appalled if any of my children (including my 2.5 year old) pushed an elderly adult.

DinahMoHum · 25/03/2012 21:28

:O

id be evicting her for that. I couldnt give a shiny shit if she had nowhere else.

ChaoticAngel · 25/03/2012 22:00

Where does the OP say she is elderly? Confused

OP YANBU That is completely unacceptable behaviour by your mil.

scummymummy · 25/03/2012 22:12

You're right, ChaoticA. Sorry, I shouldn't have assumed she's elderly just because she's a granny. I met a 34 y.o. granny the other day so should know better! I do think there's something shocking about a kid pushing his granny though. I just think it must be quite unusual. I would want to know exactly what had led up to it, even though the granny's reaction was so extreme.

NoWayNoHow · 25/03/2012 22:35

Quite a few people have now asked the OP what actually led up to the push - OP?

Asamumnonsense · 25/03/2012 23:01

I agree with you Leo, your DH should deal with it and talk to his mother as he is the link between DS and MIL. As much as everyone is screaming for you to kick her out especially if she lives abroad. Good luck in resolving the situation.. Never easy dealing with a MIL ,especially when she has issues with your child.

blackeyedsusan · 25/03/2012 23:08

what as she doing/saying that wound ds up?

did he push her, or push past her? (and yes you are right he should have used the otherr door but there should be some mitigation if she was particularly nasty and he was so upset that he pushed PAST her trying to escape)

Sootie · 25/03/2012 23:09

Is there any chance MIL is going a bit senile? I don't know - she sounds ill to me, unless ofcourse, she's always been like this.

Kitchendiva80 · 25/03/2012 23:31

I am confused as to why a child seems to be getting held to a higher standard of behaviour than an adult here by some posters? Yes he shouldn't have pushed her but he is a child! They do not think or behave in the way that a rational adult might. Children do not have the same impulse control as adults. If it was a pattern of behaviour or he didn't think he'd done anything wrong yes I'd be concerned but the fact that he knew straight away he was wrong to have done it and tried to apologise speaks volumes about your son. Also even a rational adult loses their cool when goaded enough. It's not right I don't condone it but it happens. The real issue here is the mil's behaviour. If my mother spoke to my DD that way REGARDLESS of what she had done my dh would not have to ask me to do something about it. Maybe not kick her out but certainly I would make it very clear what was and was not acceptable behaviour in my home. If this was disregarded then yes I might ask her to find somewhere else to live.

scummymummy · 26/03/2012 09:05

I think people are querying the little boy's behaviour because pushing an adult is very unusual and worrying behaviour from an 8 year old (assuming there are no behavioural problems or special needs). Yes he is a child and children make mistakes but this is not a typical response from a child of his age. this makes me think that either the mother in law was behaving in a truly horrible way BEFORE he pushed her and that mitigates his actions somewhat. Or that the child's behaviour shocked the histrionic mother in law into her horrific rant, mitigating her actions somewhat. I do think that most grandparents would be gutted and upset if their grandchild above toddler age pushed them. I think knowing about the lead up would make all the difference to how I'd handle this.

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