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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask this woman what her problem is with me?

69 replies

lottielou39 · 25/03/2012 11:13

I try not to give a shit about school run politics and all that, but when something's in your face and blindingly obvious, you can't easily ignore.
Theres a woman at school. She's always been lovely, friendly, chatty. Over the past year or so, she's gradually gone from chatting to absolutely nothing. Zero. Walks past me without looking, etc, removed from the dreaded Facebook.. I have gone over what I could have possibly done to offend her. I did wonder if I was being paranoid but a couple of weeks ago was chatting to a mutual friend in the playground, who caught the eye of this woman who was standing across the playground. My friend gestured smilingly at this woman to come over, and this friend just shook her head and stayed where she was. My gut feeling was obviously that she wanted to talk to her, but not when she was standing with me. She goes swimming and socialises with this woman, so there's no reason why she wouldn't come over, except the presence of moi. Childish I know, but there it is.
I've become increasingly curious as to what crime I've committed and am half tempted to phone her and ask if I've upset her in some way.
But dh thinks I should just ignore it and smile at her, pretend that nothings happened.
What should I do, and WIBU to ask her WTF I've supposedly done?

OP posts:

AutumnSummers · 25/03/2012 11:20

Definately ask her. Very odd. If she's being so public about this there has to be something behind it. Did your friend say something to her about what she did?

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 25/03/2012 11:20

It depends on what you will do after that.
If she says "oh I just think you're a bitch and I hate you"
If she says "you know perfectly well what you did"
If she says "you haven't done anything, what makes you say that"
If she tells you to get away from her NOW
If she slaps you

There must be a reason for her behaviour, but it could be anything. I think you should ask because I want to know it will prey on your mind if you don't.

Callisto · 25/03/2012 11:21

It depends if you want to try and revive the friendship or if you don't really give a shite. If the former, I would definitly ask her what her problem is, along the lines of 'I can't help but notice that you have been cutting me dead, have I done something to offend/upset you?'. If the latter just ignore and smile sweetly if you catch her eye.

(Personally I would go down the ignore and smile route, as I feel that anyone who goes from friend to ignoring for no reason is not worth bothering with).

TheMonster · 25/03/2012 11:25

I am in a similar situation with someone at work. I'd love to ask her outright but I am a coward!

QuintessentialShadows · 25/03/2012 11:26

I would not bother with her. It is attention seeking. SHE, I mean. I bet she relishes the fact that you have noticed.

frankieb70s · 25/03/2012 11:27

I would ignore it. It may actually be something going on with her and not you. I've had this before when a lovely woman found out I was a hypnotherapist, she avoided me and looked terrified if I went near her, now I would say that was her problem and not mine. People are funny! As long as it's not immediately affecting you and your family, just ignore.
If it is something you have (unwhittingly) done, then she needs to grow up, either way stay out of it. Keep smiling and saying hello because if you stop, then she's really got something to dislike you for.

OriginalJamie · 25/03/2012 11:29

Oooh tricky. I think I'd want to ask out of curiousity. And because I'd like a chance to defend myself.

But yes, you'd have to prepare yourself for more turmoil depending on what (if anything) you get back from her

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 25/03/2012 11:31

Has your child been very horrid to her child? I would ask her, next time you see her in the playground just ask.

pjmama · 25/03/2012 11:32

If you've no idea at all what you could have done to upset her, then she's clearly invented and embellished her own reason for avoiding you and had a long time to perfect her version of events in her own head. It's unlikely that you'll dissuade her from her opinion, even if you can get her to tell you what's wrong.

I would just continue to smile and say hello as if nothing's wrong. Her behaviour is like a flouncy sulk, designed to get attention so you'll come ask her what's wrong and she can dump her righteous indignation on you. If she's really got a problem with you, then let her come and tell you - don't give her the floor by asking.

SuePurblybilt · 25/03/2012 11:34

If you ask her, I bet you a pound she denies that she ignore you/is being weird.
I would out-blank her. Practice your sneer .

blackcoffee · 25/03/2012 11:36

def do not ask her
I'd probably have commented to the mutual friend along the lines of how odd but I'm a prob more of a cow than you

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/03/2012 11:39

From experience, you probably have done nothing wrong and she is being childish, so I would just ignore it and don't pander to her ways by asking her what you've done wrong, as she will inevitably reply 'nothing'. Just come across as having a not-caring attitude about it all. Say a breezy 'hello' when you see her.

She will do it to someone else at some point too, that's a dead cert. People like her are often attention seeking and want everyone flocking round them asking if they're ok.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 25/03/2012 11:40

And I've have done what blackfcoffee suggested too!

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 25/03/2012 11:47

yes, I would have mentioned to mutual friend that she now blanks you when you see her, and have said no idea why.

But then thats me, bit likeblackcoffee

doctordwt · 25/03/2012 11:48

Just give her a large, conspiratorial smile - more of a smirk, even - whenever you catch her eye. As if there's a big secret you're both in on. Totally ignore her otherwise.

It'll drive her BONKERS and if she's being off with you deliberately in order to get your goat, she will literally not know what to do. You might well find she gives up on it and starts speaking to you again just to get the annoyance to stop.

If not, it's a nice amusing way to metaphorically flick the bird at a tiresome little flouncer without making much effort

CremeEggThief · 25/03/2012 11:50

I think you should ignore her too. I can't see how you will get a satisfactory outcome from asking her, I'm afraid, although I would feel curious too.

hopkin · 25/03/2012 11:55

If it were me I'd be very tempted to give her a huge, blinding smile and a super-cheerful "Hello!!!" every time I saw her. Unless she's insanely thick skinned, she'll twig that you're taking the mickey out of her for giving you the silent treatment; and nothing's going to make her feel like more of a dick than not having her hauteur taken seriously.

Sootie · 25/03/2012 11:56

Why do some women never grow out of the teenage bitch phase? Just ignore it OP, although I know it's very hard. I'm being ignored big time by some family friends at the moment (didn't phone to congratulate me on birth of DS) - I have no idea what I have supposed to have done, but I find myself thinking about it at weird times during the day - when I'm on the loo, when I've just woken up, when I'm breastfeeding. It's driving me a bit bonkers, but I know I haven't done anything wrong and my life isn't affected at all by them ignoring me. Just smile at her when you see her, and leave it at that.

Pagwatch · 25/03/2012 12:01

Oooh, I have the opposite and I have even pondering this.

I used to see the same woman every morning as we dropped our DDs at school. Her DD was younger than mine but they knew each other so used to wave and smile. I used to smile at the mum and say good morning but she used to look at me like this , give me a sideways glance but then look away and avoid eye contact. It was every morning and it was as if I had fuck off tattooed on my forehead or something. She didn't just look away, she looked at me as if someone had told her I was a murderer.

I don't know her name so couldn't ask anyone. Her only distinguishing feature is a variety of jackets which are always the colour of shit. I called her 'diarrhoea coat woman' in my head and decided to ignore it. That was the situation for more than two years. Me smiling and nodding, her looking away in hirror whilst wondering if having had her colours done was worth the money if it means you must always buy pooh coloured outerwear.

Anyway, now I have suddenly noticed her throwing herself in front of me beaming with delight, nodding and waving and trying to start conversations.

Why? What has happened? What could it possibly be? Where do those coats cone from? And many other questions.

cornflowers · 25/03/2012 12:13

Could it be something to do with your dc? Are they in the same class? Last year, my ds kept telling me that a boy in his class kept deliberately doing sneaky things to try and get him into trouble, such as surreptitiously pinching his back and so on when the teacher wasn't looking. The problem resolved itself when the classes were rearranged in September and they are no longer in the same class. I used to be quite friendly with this boy's mother, we would often chat in the playground or at parties etc, but I now feel slightly awkward around her and always avoid her.

DoubleGlazing · 25/03/2012 12:27

Hmmm... Pag I do the sideways glance and no eye contact things because I'm shy and fear I'll have nothing to say to people if they start chatting. I also do the "make a big effort and be all smiley and chatty" thing too, but may not feel up to it the next day. Could this woman just be rather shy and rubbish at socialising, like me?

DoubleGlazing · 25/03/2012 12:30

lottielou39 It's horrible isn't it, when people suddenly start cutting you off and you have no idea what you've supposedly done to deserve it. I always want to ask what the problem is too but usually go with continuing to be normal and friendly where possible, not showing that it bothers you at all. And eventually - even years later - some people have given up on the "blanking" and started chatting again. I can't get my head around people like this, it's so immature, mean and unnecessary to blank people for supposed wrongdoings instead of giving others the benefit of the doubt.

Iactuallydothinkso · 25/03/2012 13:02

I had this a couple of years ago, pretty much same scenario. I just ignored it even though I really didn't understand it at all. One day out of the blue she asked me if "we were alright?" with a little sarcastic look on her face, I said to her "actually, no, we are not. You cannot be consistent in your supposed friendship with me so please do not bother" she got quite affronted and started running after me! This was in the playground! I just carried on walking leaving her flapping around asking ME what SHE had done to offend? Seriously? Life is way too short for crap like that. If you're so self unaware that you don't realise that behaving like a primary school child in the way you deal with adults, then there is no place in my life for you! Obviously that's directed at strange woman, not you op!

It was one of the weirdest things ever and not something I have ever come across since being 12!

OriginalJamie · 25/03/2012 13:18

It probably is a child thing. If so, she's not very assertive, is she?

cornflowers · 25/03/2012 13:27

Well I don't necessarily think it's a good idea to be assertive when it's a 'child thing', jamie.

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