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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is this really what people do these days?

130 replies

Megatron · 24/03/2012 17:02

DS was due to go to a party this afternoon but unfortunately has had the most horrible stomach bug since Tuesday and is totally washed out, still not eating etc. I knew yesterday that he wouldn't be going so I rang the party lads mum and told her, offered to pay for his place as it was a Laser party and I knew was £12 a head, she accepted, all fine. I passed their house last night so put the money through her door.

So this morning I receive a text from her to ask me if I will be dropping off her sons birthday present today Hmm. I text back saying no I won't, I'll give it to her when I see her at school, hope party goes well etc. Half an hour later she turns up at my door as 'she was passing' for her sons present. I was mortified. The present was sitting on the bookcase in the hall but it wasn't wrapped (as I always do that about 4 seconds before I leave for the party). I know this is petty but really? Am I incredibly old fashioned or is this normal manners these days?

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 26/03/2012 10:19

I've been in the other position this weekend - a girl couldn't come to DD's birthday. I'd already bought cinema tickets (which the other mum wouldn't have known I'd pre bought them). But if she had known and offered to pay I'd had said no. So I think you're been very kind doing that.

She's also insisted on still getting dd a present which I wasn't expecting. There is no way I'd have gone round there demanding it at a certain time.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 26/03/2012 10:37

Most of us only invite the number to a party we can afford don't we? So even if someone doesn't turn up and we have to pay for their place, we have invited/paid for the place, it's been budgetted and accounted for, so we either invite another friend/family member/neighbour's child or pay for the place and the party is one person down. I cant believe someone would have the audacity to accept the payment for a poorly child's place. I keep thinking about this thread since I first replied to it on Saturday.

I did once come across someone who said that if invited to a party you should spend at least the amount it has cost the host for your child's party place on the present. So if it was say a bowling party at £10 per head then you should spend at least £10 on the present. Unbelievable. I would hate to think someone was very skint and was going without something essential to buy a present to bring to one of my DCs parties. All that matters is that their child is at the party, presents don't matter at all.

gabid · 26/03/2012 10:48

Very rude.

I wouldn't accept the money for his place. However, I would be very happy if my DS still received a present, but never ever would I ask for it or demand it!

Devora · 26/03/2012 10:53

Another dropped jaw here. My understanding of the etiquette is:

  1. You really try not to pull out of children's parties, as it will often cost the hostess.
  2. If you have to (as in this case) you do not pay for the place - the hostess absorbs the cost.
  3. It's a nice gesture if you still give a present but absolutely up to you. I tend to give the present if I've already bought it, but not if I haven't.
  4. It's a nice gesture if the hostess sends your dc a party bag, but absolutely up to them. I would never expect this, but think how kind they are when it happens.
  5. You absolutely never expect a present as a right. If a child turns up to the party with no present you try to make sure this is not noticed and commented on by other children.
  6. If you can't afford a present that's fine, but a home-made card is always a nice touch.

Maybe Mumsnet should do its next book on parenting etiquette. It would fill a book, wouldn't it? Smile

loopydoo · 26/03/2012 10:53

Rude woman! Did she even ask how your ds was?

gabid · 26/03/2012 10:55

I do know people who would do such things though. These people I know do not hesitate asking for money that they think they should have. They try take advantage of you if you are not careful or too friendly with them, then they spread lies, they have constant arguments within family and with their friends ...

I make it my business to stay well away from them and just keep necessary polite contact - not more.

leothelioness · 26/03/2012 10:56

Shock Shock

gabid · 26/03/2012 11:02

Devora - partying etiquette may be a nice idea, but would it help.

I think, the parent the OP was upset about seems to have no manners allround.

EngeldinckHumperbert · 26/03/2012 11:05

I'm aghast! What a rude, rude woman! I would be avoiding her at all costs in the future!

musicismylife · 26/03/2012 11:11

OP, you have made a rod for your own back.

You have given in to two definite no-no's

Number one: You do not give money on behalf of a child who cannot attend a party, when you have given sufficient notice.

Number two: You tell her that you are busy and that you will drop off her son's prezzie at your convenience.

Your niceness will be the demise of this 'friendship'...

blubberyboo · 26/03/2012 11:14

a present is a gift...not a take

personally i think present giving at parties shouldn't be necessary. kids just want the fun of having their friends celebrate with them.

why are presents necessary at all..often the child isn't involved in choosing the pressie anyway so who is it really from?

misspedantic · 26/03/2012 11:15

hahaha loving her chutzpahs. Cheeky cow, she sound like she has the same social awareness of a dog licking his balls in the middle of a school playground. Meh

kittyandthefontanelles · 26/03/2012 12:45

Maybe I'm being unreasonable but I reckon I'd be thinking that present could be a pass-on or returned as not required, either way saving me money. If we don't go to the party we don't give a prezzie. Unless perhaps it was a best friend or family member. You were being very reasonable by coughing up for his unused place.

Devora · 26/03/2012 13:17

I'm just trying to imagine what this woman would have done if YOU hadn't been able to go to a dinner party at her place. Would she have billed you for the uneaten food? Dropped by to pick up her bottle of plonk?

OTheHugeManatee · 26/03/2012 13:20

I wonder if she stopped in at the houses of other class members, invited or not, to pick up all the other presents that were 'due' to her PFB Hmm

stealthsquiggle · 26/03/2012 14:42

Monumentally rude.

I have, on occasion, sent presents into school for parties the DC couldn't make it to (if child in question is a special friend). I have also sent party bags for DC who couldn't make it to a party at the last minute, and whose parents bothered to let me know as soon as they could - party bags are done and would otherwise go to waste. Mysteriously, party bags for DC whose parents couldn't be bothered to reply don't seem to make it to school.

I find it hard to imagine someone accepting the money, although it was a nice gesture to offer, but the demanding of a present as well is truly jaw-droppingly rude.

LittleJennyRobyn · 26/03/2012 15:14

Am shocked that somebody would do this!!!

I would never have thought to offer the cost of the party place nor would i accept it if someone offered to pay. Theses things happen it's not usually intentional.
It is also my understanding that if you dont attend the party you dont give a gift. I would though if it was a very close friend.

I would have refused to give it on principal (even if i had it in the hallway) Just for the fact that she had the bloody cheek to ask for it, and told her that i hadn't had a chance to buy anything due to the fact DC was ill!!!!

lou2321 · 26/03/2012 15:49

maybe you should in turn do the other thing that people seem to do these days and that is put on facebook as your status 'Imagine my surprise when a friend turned up on my doorstep asking for their DCs birthday present when my DC was unable to attend their birthday party!'

zukiecat · 26/03/2012 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hoebag · 26/03/2012 16:56

Oh my god thats really grabby and cheeky

PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 26/03/2012 16:58

Oh my word how rude!!!

She probably didn't have to pay for your son at the party either as most places you pay for who turnd up on the day. I am gobsmacked at how rude this woman is!

Spuddybean · 26/03/2012 17:22

I think it is rude to expect a present even if your child does go to a party, yes pressies are nice, but i think 'expecting' presents for anything is rude full stop.

on a separate note Hex that is usually how i work out a wedding gift value. I look at the menu (if it's a 3 course dinner & wine) and think 'well that must be £30 per head (or that's what i'd pay in a restaurant)' and purchase gift accordingly.

OriginalJamie · 26/03/2012 17:44

It's not what anyone I know does. Astounding.

And yes, make sure you get the party bag

Sarahplane · 26/03/2012 22:21

What a Cheeky cow. I wouldn't have accepted the money or expected a present if I were her, and I wouldn't have offered to pay if I were you.

skybluepearl · 26/03/2012 23:50

My understanding is that if you pull out of a party, the host invites the next person on the waiting list. You don't pay a penny.

If I had pulled my kid out of the party due to illness, I would have still given the gift when next at school. I'd do this because I'm very friendly with all the parents/kids and would want to mark thier birthday. If I didn't know the family/kid, I wouldn't bother probably