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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to send an email from XP ranting about school to the school?

53 replies

NinjaStar · 23/03/2012 06:47

So DS1 (7) dad doesnt see him. There is an indirect contact order, for XP to write "not more than once per week". He hasn't bothered to write since the order came into force. They have had no contact for about 12 months

However the order specifies that I write to XP at set times of the year detailing how DS is doing, so that XP knows what to write to him about. I also have to send "adhoc important communications relating to PR issues"

So last week I received the OFSTED report from the school. I figured this was important so ive sent it off as dickhead XP doesnt have communications from the school (at his request). The report grades the school as satisfactory. The last report graded the school as good. So you can argue it has got worse.

I have woken up this morning to an email demanding to know why the school is "failing" and why it has "not improved". He is demanding that DS be moved to a better school, that will meet his academic needs, and a long winded rant about the "shitty" school, and the "fuckwitted" head and teachers, who were too stupid to realise how horrible I was and how wonderful he was, which ultimately concludes that this is another way I am showing myself to be a bad parent and failing in my duty of care to DS.

Now I know I should ignore, but I was very controlled in the relationship with XP, and still now years later the thought of getting into conflict with him sends me into a panic (I am receiving therapy for this). I know if I dont respond, the emails will escalate, and get worse. However if I do respond I will type something which he will twist and we end up exchanging emails back and forth with me apologising for being misterunderstood, and him saying how horrible I am (again a repeated pattern I am trying to break)

So AIBU to forward the email the headmistress and allow her to respond?

..... Or is stooping to childish levels of behaviour, and if so has anyone got something I can email to get him to go away. Preferably something sensible about how the OFSTED standards have changed (school says its got tougher?) but in a simple laymans terms I can understand

OP posts:
ObiWan · 23/03/2012 06:56

Don't forward, it, I doubt that the Head wants to be dragged in.

If you must reply, just say 'thanks for your concern, we'll look into it', or something non-commital that doesn't need an answer.

jamdonut · 23/03/2012 06:58

I don't really have an answer...maybe it comes under cyberbullying,perhaps you should inform the police?
I think I would show a print-out to the Head.
He doesn't sound very nice at all.

Dustinthewind · 23/03/2012 06:59

The school should be putting together a response to the report, deciding what to do and how they will address the points raised. So that would answer a lot of the issues in his ranting, and you could sent that on to him when it is written.
I'd stay as disengaged with him as possible, certainly not enter into a dialogue as he sounds like a controlling irrational idiot who is looking for reasons to be difficult.
If you forward the email, I'd add a little explanation as to why, so the school understand that they are not your views as well, and that you need support with the fool.

catsareevil · 23/03/2012 07:08

I think that it woud not be reasonable (or helpful) to send the email to the school. If you dont feel that you can ignore the email I'd be tempted to give a fairly neutral reply just saying that you understand that the school will be looking at the points raised by the report, and maybe give him the OFSTED website or somewhere that he can go for further information.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2012 07:12

No, I wouldn't send it on to the head.

It has nothing to do with the school's performance and everything to do with the fact that your Ex is an arse.

PotteringAlong · 23/03/2012 07:17

tell him to go herewith his concerns then ignore ignore ignore!

Original poster
NinjaStar · 23/03/2012 07:20

Thanks for the replies.

I have already sent him the explanation letter that came from the school along with the report. Apparently it doesnt give a guarantee that things will change and that is what he "demands" else DS should move schools. He then bleats a bit about PR and his "right" to be involved in "these matter"

Obi The head is / was already involved - she knows hes an idiot Smile

But yes you a probably right, I shouldn't send it, just means Ive got to find someway to respond to him myself.

TBH I think he just likes to rant at me. Sometimes I try to ignore, but then I just get an email every day telling me I am ignoring him, ranting at me some more and then demanding to know when I will reply. I eventually cave and send a reply (even though most of the time his demands are stupidly unreasonable). I really want to reply

.......................................................................................

Dear dickhead,

The school have already outlayed their response to the report. If you have further questions, contact the school directly (I know you are banned from turning up unannounced, but you are a grown man and can use the telephone to make an appointment).

Given the fact that you haven't seen DS is an year, and that you can''t be bothered to abide by the terms of the contact order and actually write to your son, its a bit rich to start acting like a concerned parent over an OFSTED report.

Fuck off!

............................................................

Maybe just the first sentence would be appropriate!

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 23/03/2012 07:21

I'd block his emails. And keep all communication to snail mail. Most people CBA to answer letters Grin

But you relationship isn't the schools business and they have more important things to do than be dragged into parental disputes.

marcopront · 23/03/2012 07:23

Satisfactory is the new good so the school has stayed the same.

However I would ignore his email. It is nothing to do with the school, it is about him trying to control you. Keep a copy of it though.

ZonkedOut · 23/03/2012 07:24

I would ignore the email. Don't send it to the school, though you could ask if they have a comment about the ofsted report.

Don't get sucked into replying and justifying, it sounds like your ex is very good at manipulating what you say and making you feel bad. He's trying to get a rise out of you to draw you back into this.

skybluepearl · 23/03/2012 07:25

how do you feel about the school? are you happy with it? don't forward the email. email ex back saying along the lines of thanks, i know from the outside it seems that the school is failing but it isn't failing our son as he is thriving/getting all the help he needs for his special needs and is very very happy and part of a great community. Tell him that he needs to email the head directly if he wants to discuss the ofstead - give him the school email address. you don't want to be piggy in the middle. then email a short mesg to the head so that head is aware of the situation if ex emails school - 'we are very happy with DS at the school however after reading the ofsed ex has emailed demanding I send DS to a 'better' school. Ex also asked lots of questions about the schools ofstead performance and I have asked him to email any questions directly to you. I thought I'd better let you know in advance as I understand it may put you on the spot'

Dustinthewind · 23/03/2012 07:25

Stop caving in!
Change your usual email and give that one to your friends, so that you don't have to be battered by his communications every time you check your mail. You can then pick up his ass and when you feel like it.
I have 3 different email addresses, works very well for compartmentalising.

WaitingForMe · 23/03/2012 07:26

Good suggestion troisgrarcons. If using snail mail isn't possible change your email address so that your ex has one just for him that you can check occasionally.

OrangeCrushed · 23/03/2012 07:27

Aside from the dickhead and fuck off bits, i would send that.

NarkedPuffin · 23/03/2012 07:33

He sounds awful Sad

Original poster
NinjaStar · 23/03/2012 07:37

trois I did orignally send everything to via post, but then he rang because he was concerned that my "lack of response gave him concern that the important communications were not reaching me".

macro I might just email him that Smile

Changing email address is a good idea. Of course Ill proably end up with 100 emails off him when I check it! The answer really is to be less bothered by his reactions and stop second guessing everything I do.

Im thinking Ill post stuff to him via snail mail (recorded delivery) and then change my day to day email address - its only my family and scouts that email me anyway!

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 23/03/2012 07:38

I would send the dickhead and fuck off bits too.

But really I wouldn't dignify his bullshit with a reply.

Original poster
NinjaStar · 23/03/2012 07:42

Narked See now my initial reponse then was to defend him and say ohhhh no hes not, hes frustrated ... however yes he is

He just wears me down. Its actually been 4 years since we seperated, but its only been in the last 15 months that Ive actually started trying to not engage with him. However this seems to have actually upped how he behaves to me IYSWIM? Then everytime I cave and reengage it starts all over again

I shall send a brief reply and then change my email address I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
NinjaStar · 23/03/2012 07:43

Athing Ha - I wish I had the courage.

OP posts:
OptimisticPessimist · 23/03/2012 08:04

Just say "thank you for your concern" and leave it at that.
Do not engage, by trying to give your opinion or defend the school you give him point to argue back on (I know this fron experience, although nowhere near as bad as yours). A one sentence email acknowledging his response is sufficient. If he continues to email either ignore or, if you feel you can't ignore, make similar replies as above.

FWIW, I wouldn't have considered OFSTED reports an "important PR issue". I would email copies of the school reports, any other paperwork the school might give throughout the year (my DS1 has termly
IEPs for example), major medical issues i.e. hospitalisation and any medical/developmental reports (might not be relevant to you, but SALT reports etc). Where possible just can the report in, attach to email and just write "please see attached school report" or whatever. I also scan in their school photo and give him the code so he can order it if he wants to.

Personally I would keep communication via email because it's easier to keep a record of what you've sent and his response. I agree maybe get a new address for everyone else though.

skybluepearl · 23/03/2012 08:07

dont email head.

say to ex 'yes i know on paper the oftead looks OK and not excellent but actually DH is thriving at the school. He is having all his needs met and is part of a great community. If you do want to discuss the OFSTEAD performance with the head, please do (give email address)

then email the head and explain that you are happy with the school but receieved a very demanding email off ex asking about the school ofstead performance. Explain that you have given ex the school email address and please expect an email from him. Appologise for putting head on the spot.

skybluepearl · 23/03/2012 08:09

ps - ofstead isn't an important PR thing. He can access it on line himself.

EightiesChick · 23/03/2012 08:16

I know it's after the fact now but the first thing I thought reading this was 'Why has she sent the Ofsted report?' It's not a major PR issue since it is about the school but not personally about your DS. I'd think quite carefully about what consistitutes an important PR issue.

Do what skyblueperal says above. Then take the other advice about changing email address and reverting to snailmail. I would also get caller ID so you can see when it's him ringing and make a decision about whether you are prepared to listen to a rant talk to him at that time or not.

ZonkedOut · 23/03/2012 08:24

NinjaStar, it sounds like you've come a long way already in recognising his behaviour and trying not to get sucked back in. At least you can see it for what it is, now. Good for you!

Several good suggestions here, already, I just want to add, is it possible for you to have an intermediary in communications with your ex, to protect you from his manipulation?

treadwarily · 23/03/2012 08:34

That would be upsetting.

But don't forward to school, he hasn't addressed it to them so they won't be able to act on it anyway.

Rise above it. New email address and you don't ever have to read his emails, do you? He can send as many as he likes but you don't have to read them.

Keep doing what you're doing i.e. putting your son's interests ahead of his crazy dad, and focusing on looking after yourself. I'm glad to read you've got help from a therapist.