AIBU to send an email from XP ranting about school to the school?

[NinjaStar]

So DS1 (7) dad doesnt see him. There is an indirect contact order, for XP to write "not more than once per week". He hasn't bothered to write since the order came into force. They have had no contact for about 12 months

However the order specifies that I write to XP at set times of the year detailing how DS is doing, so that XP knows what to write to him about. I also have to send "adhoc important communications relating to PR issues"

So last week I received the OFSTED report from the school. I figured this was important so ive sent it off as dickhead XP doesnt have communications from the school (at his request). The report grades the school as satisfactory. The last report graded the school as good. So you can argue it has got worse.

I have woken up this morning to an email demanding to know why the school is "failing" and why it has "not improved". He is demanding that DS be moved to a better school, that will meet his academic needs, and a long winded rant about the "shitty" school, and the "fuckwitted" head and teachers, who were too stupid to realise how horrible I was and how wonderful he was, which ultimately concludes that this is another way I am showing myself to be a bad parent and failing in my duty of care to DS.

Now I know I should ignore, but I was very controlled in the relationship with XP, and still now years later the thought of getting into conflict with him sends me into a panic (I am receiving therapy for this). I know if I dont respond, the emails will escalate, and get worse. However if I do respond I will type something which he will twist and we end up exchanging emails back and forth with me apologising for being misterunderstood, and him saying how horrible I am (again a repeated pattern I am trying to break)

So AIBU to forward the email the headmistress and allow her to respond?

..... Or is stooping to childish levels of behaviour, and if so has anyone got something I can email to get him to go away. Preferably something sensible about how the OFSTED standards have changed (school says its got tougher?) but in a simple laymans terms I can understand

He just wears me down. Its actually been 4 years since we seperated, but its only been in the last 15 months that Ive actually started trying to not engage with him. However this seems to have actually upped how he behaves to me IYSWIM?

He ups the ante BECAUSE you're not engaging with him - you are not pandering to him so he is "shouting louder" so that you can hear him - he is very frustrated when you do this - so you need to keep showing him that you're not going to engage

If he's unhappy with DS's progress maybe HE should pay attention to him and help him with his work a bit more rather than blaming others ! He is his FATHER after all !
How old is he ? 2 ?

Oh and don't send it to the school - it will just make you and DS look bad.

Do not respond at all. The more you try to justify yourself/the school and involve others the more attention he is getting.

I agree with eightieschick and think very carefully about what you send to him to minimise contact. I know you did it with good intentions but school is still graded as satisfactory so there is nothing material for him to concern himself with.

Good luck it sounds like you did absolutely the right thing for yourself and your DS by separating from this man - do not let him grind you down again.

OP if you want to respond to the rant I'd suggest that you say have noted his concerns and he is free to take them up with the school if he wishes. Leave it at that.

Why are you even engaging with this bullying inadequate person ?

Don't reply. And when the torrent of emails start don't even open them just press the delete button.

Continue to send the occasional email so you are not breaking the contact order but that's it. You gain nothing by replying to him and neither does your child as he's made it perfectly clear he really isn't that interested.

"However this seems to have actually upped how he behaves to me IYSWIM?"
Of course it does. It's a tantrum. His bestest toy (you) has been taken from him and he can't torture play with it any more. Disengage, disengage, disengage. He is a dick.

I'd second getting a new e-mail address. I do it every time the spammers find me, and give out my new address to those who I WANT to get e-mail from. And maybe think about that suggestion of having an intermediary for communication from him. Someone to filter out the crap and pass on the actual communication. Who for this episode would have said "he had a rant about them being 'only' satisfactory and wants you to move DS to another school" and rolled their eyes.

The order for 'or XP to write "not more than once per week" ' - I presume this means there has been some recognition in the past for his tendency to bombard? Could another order be gotten, covering communication with yourself?

Thanks everyone. I had an inkling I might be BU, but I just dont want to engage with him. I was literally shaking when I opened up the emails and saw his name. Its pathetic really.

Do you really not think OFSTED warrented important? Maybe I do need to rethink that then. The order doesnt specify what is important.

I just thought that as its going to be June before I have to write again that the OFSTED report shouldnt wait that long, and the list XP gave me about his "involvement rights" was quite long, it was better to err on side of caution and send it.

Im just trying to weigh up now whether its better to not respond at all and get shouted at or respond with a "take it up with school" and get shouted at for not answering all his specific points.

The second option. He doesn't care about what you say other than to use it to belittle you. Don't give him the opportunity to leave you second guessing yourself. As others have said, this is a toddler having a tantrum and you need to treat it as such.

But Ninja, how does he shout at you? By email? Just don't open them. By phone? Hang up. In person? Call the police and have him done for harassment.

Sorry, I mis-read, I though the first option was replyin to specific points I still personally would go for the second option tbh, and ignore all further emails. I hope you keep them all?

whereyouleftit I dont really have anyone who will do it. I seem to have become really isolated and have no friends really. The breakup was really messy. He actually left me for the OW, because I was a shit girlfriend apparently and was priortising the pregnancy over him. He then got a lot bit pissed off when I finally stopped being the OW to his OW. It then all went tits up and I just stayed in because going anywhere was just more hassle. He then went to court, and we had a 2 years of court, before this final order.

where he does it by email, and its daft, I know I cant be shouted at by email .. but i can hear it there in the words he uses, and the names he calls me, and the past things that he throws at me. If I dont open them im stressing about them being there and what they might say.

God that sounds pathetic doesnt it?

No it doesn't sound pathetic at all. It sounds inevitable - that is what he has done to you, how he has altered you. It is his fault.

Two years in court, resulting in an order restricting him to written communications with DS, maximum weekly. Well, that sounds to me like they thought he was a dick too. Were there any restrictions on how often and to what extent he communicated with you? Can they be imposed? Because the best option for you would be for his abusive rants communications to just not turn up in your Inbox, since they upset you.

"your concerns are duly noted"

That's all I'd send it is what I do when XH is being a tit

And then ignore ignore ignore

where No there were no restrictions on his communications with me.

By the time we got to this order, hed already been warned about his communications to me by his solicitor, my solicitor the mediator and the judge (who all told him frustration was not an excuse for agression). The only person who felt any sympathy for him was the CAFCASS officer, but that all went a bit to pot when he punched a hole in the wall at the supervised contact centre.

Once it became apparent to him that he wasnt going to get what he wanted he wanted to withdraw his application, I asked for an order so that i knew exactly what my obligations were, because I didnt want to be able to be pulled apart for doing or not doing something.

I honestly thought he would just ignore what I wrote, and leave me alone, which he did for a few months, but he split with his finacee and it all just went crazy again.

I dont think I can face going to court again. I just cant.

hathor Im trying the ignore approach but I am relatively sure than a further email will arrive tomorrow saying youve ignored me, I have rights blah blah blah.

Its just so frustrating because I know what I should be doing, but then I feel that if i ignore him im depreiving DS of his dad, which I know Im not because hes not engaging with DS anyway, but I still feel that.

Arrgrggggghhh .. maybe I should just email his email back to him and do that for every email he ever sends ... that would be annoying and childish though wouldnt it

I can understand you not wanting to go back to court, but from what you have said about him being warned (I am so glad that it must be on record!) a solicitor's letter might be enough.

Is there a Citizen's Advice Bureau around that you could contact? They might be able to advise you if his behaviour constitutes harassment, and what might be the best course of action. I do feel that if you were able to take control of the situation, you would feel a lot better about it all and he would be less able to upset you.

And it does sound as if the split from his fiancee is a factor. Diddums is bored and looking to amuse himself.

"Your concerns are duly noted. Should you wish further clarification, please contact the school directly. Their contact details are as follows ... "

And maybe forward that on to your solicitor?

And I do know how difficult it is not to engage I do it all the time even though I come on here and everyone shouts at me to ignore when he's being a prick all sense goes out the window and I get the ragees

Please don't respond to him.
You don't have to respond and you are fulfilling you side of the order.

If he was really concerned he would be on the school's mailing list.

You don't deserve to be frightened of your e-mails, please take your power back from this bully.
Ignore him and eventually he will go away/stop.

You are strong and courageous and can deal with this!

Don't forward this to the school or respond to it. What you must do is keep it carefully because there may be a time in future when you need it for further evidence of how unreasonable he is.

Can you forward it to your concellor/bring it along to your next session and outline an approach for the next communication? Likewise, would your councellor be able to help you go through the list from your ex, and work out what's reasonable to tell him ad-hoc, and what's reasonable to save for your set times?

I'd definately try the "duely noted" "thanks for your concern" approach. Copy and paste from one email to the next, so he only ever gets a broken record (or have a set of 4-5 responses to cycle through, so he doesn't notice)

i agree with a couple of the pieces of advice:

1. reply with "thank you for your concern"
2. get a new email address for yourself
3. give current email address and password to a friend, so that they can read the emails and pass on to you those which are important.

I agree with one of the earlier posters: just say that you're happy with the school and if he has any questions on the OFSTED report, here's the school's number, then flag up with the school that he might call.

I hear a lot of your XP's voice still in the way you describe yourself - stupid, pathetic, etc. Every time you describe yourself as such, think about whether you would ever treat a friend that way, then decide to treat yourself as kindly as you would a dear friend.

I know what it's like to be dreading the emails/phonecalls, even when you've left and they technically have no power any more. You want to placate him so that you don't get bombarded with crap that brings back all the old bad feelings. But, unfortunately, you disengaging will lead to him bombarding you - for a while. In the long run, if you continue to refuse to engage, he will give up and find someone else to torment, so try to take some of the emotion out of it and just see it as a process that has to be gone through in stages: shitstorm; calming down; eventually he buggers off.

For future 'Important PR' decisions, I'd only contact him if your DS is seriously ill/hurt, or if a decision has to be made regarding your DS that requires your XP.

Stay strong!