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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the fact my DP has to pay for everything?

75 replies

Diamondgirls · 21/03/2012 12:48

While I was pregnant, I only had a temp job and so I dont get maternity pay or any other income. I now have £4 left of my savings. Which means that I have to rely on DP for everything. My phone contract ended last month and I can't afford to renew it. DP offered to pay for it but I said no. I can't afford to even get on a bus or take DD to one of the baby groups we used to go to. I hate the fact that all the bills, the rent, all our food is brought by DP and I can't contribute. I can't get a job yet as DD is bf'ing every hour during the day and won't take a bottle. Am I being stupid to feel Like this? DP thinks so. I don't want to take money off him but I don't know what tp do now that my savings have run out. DP doesn't mind me being a sahm but I feel really pressured to bringsome money in asap.

OP posts:
BareBums · 21/03/2012 12:51

But you're in a partnership, means everything is shared equally. I'd be a bit miffed if my DH only spent "his" money on "his" things...or have I read this all wrong? Confused

fudgywudgy · 21/03/2012 12:52

But you are a partnership, he works you look after dd.

If I were to work my whole wage would be taken up with childcare costs therefore we have a joint account and budget so both of us can afford to do what we want.

My dh would be gutted if he thought i was in your situation and could not ask him for a bus fare

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2012 12:52

You're not 'taking money off him'...you're living as a family and doing what you need to do to get by.

How much has he had to pay for childcare while you're looking after his child when he's at work?

Nothing? Not a penny?

Ask yourself why that is.....

Proudnscary · 21/03/2012 12:52
MrsTractor · 21/03/2012 12:53

Yes, there is no need to feel like this. You are a partnership, by staying at home and looking after your DD you are enabling him to go work and bring home the money, if you went to work too then either he would have to look after DD or you (plural) would have to pay for childcare. Therefore it's a joint income, it's just he's the one physically doing the work.

It's good you have a partner like this, he should be supportive and you should be pleased he is being so.

Proudnscary · 21/03/2012 12:53

Why are there so many women (or is it the men? Or both?) with this baffling and offensive attitude? It is joint money. You are looking after the baby.

Original poster
Diamondgirls · 21/03/2012 12:53

If it was the other way around and I worked and paid for everything, I wouldn't mind. DP would happily pay for all 'my' things. But I don't like him to. I like to be a bit independent. If that makes sense?

OP posts:
nickelhasababy · 21/03/2012 12:54

you're not taking money off him.

He is earning money for the family
it's family money.

same as he couldn't give birth to your child, but that doesn't make it your child and not his, does it?
it's the same thing

AliceHurled · 21/03/2012 12:54

You are facilitating your partner being able to earn money by looking after his child. Those earnings should be shared as a family. Your unpaid labour is no less important to you all as a family unit than his paid labour.

sarahtigh · 21/03/2012 12:54

no time for long answer DP is right YABU if child benefit in your name can you use that money for going to baby groups and bus fares and let DP pay all bills etc

it is fair for him to pay bills for a while you are working just a home its not like DD is 14 and you sit around drinking coffee

nickelhasababy · 21/03/2012 12:54

you're never going to be independent again - because now you have a dependent.

valiumredhead · 21/03/2012 12:55

I just don't get this 'his money, my money' thing! You are married, it is joint income - get your dh to sort out an extra card for his account with your name on it.

nickelhasababy · 21/03/2012 12:56

that's what I was looking for "can't get a job yet as DD is bf'ing every hour during the day and won't take a bottle."
which means, in your logic, that you're feeding the baby and DH can't.
does he resent you for that? does he insist that he isn't looking after the baby because he can't feed it? no. his contribution is mainly financial, yours is mainly milk and care.

each member of a team has a specific role to play.

worldgonecrazy · 21/03/2012 12:57

YANBU to hate temporarily losing your financial independence.

YABU to think that you are 'taking money off your partner'. You are in a partnership, he is supporting you by earning money to enable you to stay at home and raise his child. If he had to pay a childminder then you would be worse off financially.

AliceHurled · 21/03/2012 12:57

Ask him to pay you a wage for your labour if it would make you feel better. Same end result, same principle.

larks35 · 21/03/2012 12:58

Now that you are a family surely your DP's income is your family income. Don't you think it is time for a joint bank account? You are saving your family approx. £800 per month in childcare by being a SAHM. You need to get over the fact that you aren't earning money yourself at the moment and use your DP's money to enjoy your time with your DD. It is ridiculous that you are unable to get the bus or go to groups when your DP is happy to contribute to the cost of these things.

Also, were you not entitle to MA at all? I thought everyone was entitled to 6 months MA if they didn't get SMP through employer, I could be wrong though.

neolara · 21/03/2012 12:58

Er, if you weren't looking after your dp's child, you would presumably be out at work earning money. But you can't at the moment because you have another job - looking after the baby. Of course your dp should be giving you money. It's no longer "his" money, you're a partnership - it's now collective money. Who do you feel pressure from to bring in money? It sounds like the pressure is coming more from yourself than your dp. If that is the case, it can be quite interesting to try to identify where those ideas came from (e.g. your mum, friends etc) and then to think about whether you really, truly agree with them or not.

Cabrinha · 21/03/2012 13:00

Well, I understand the feeling that you might not like to ask for access to your (plural) money. How are your (plural) finances arranged now? Do you have a joint account with your own card? Where is the child benefit being paid to? (and CTC if you're entitled to them) I agree with all the others that you have a family income. If you want to work outside the home also, then fine - but it sounds like your baby is still quite young? So maybe plan to do something in a few months. You have to stop thinking of it as his money, you chose to have a baby TOGETHER.

overmydeadbody · 21/03/2012 13:01

valium we don't know she is married, she says DP not DH.

Your argument still stande
s though, they have a joint child together, it is a partnership.

Diamondgirls you really need to change your attitude. Now you are in a family you will never be independent again, you are contributing with your time and effort what your DP contributes with money.

He pays the bus fare, you actually have to take DD to the babygroup etc etc

squeakytoy · 21/03/2012 13:02

YABU. You are a partnership, you work together as a team when you have children.

If you really need to have a bit of extra money that is "yours" then do a bit of eBaying, but I do think you are being a bit silly and stubborn to refuse to allow your DP to share his money with you.

AbigailAdams · 21/03/2012 13:07

OP why do you think that what you are contributing to the family (i.e. the childcare, extra housework etc) is not as valid as the money your DP is contributing?

Pozzled · 21/03/2012 13:08

YABU, as I'm sure you know. You are a family- all the money coming in is there for the benefit of the whole family. It doesn't matter whose name the salary is in, the truth is that you have both done your share of the work.

I have to say that YABVU if you're not taking your DD out at all simply because you don't want to spend 'DP's' money. I don't know how old your DD is, but even if she's tiny I'm sure she would like a change of scene sometimes.

Is everything ok with you apart from the money? How about the relationship with DP? I don't mean to be nosy but your reaction to losing your own income sounds quite extreme, which makes me wonder if anything else is upsetting you at the moment.

valiumredhead · 21/03/2012 13:10

Married, schmarried - they have a child and live together piece of paper makes not difference whatsoever.

aldiwhore · 21/03/2012 13:16

I can understand why you don't like constantly asking, even if it IS completely valid to expect to be supported financially at this time.

I felt the same. I now get what probably would have been called 'housekeeping' which we refer to as expenses. I don't fritter it on myself, but know that if I need to take the kids somewhere I can without constantly feeling like I'm going cap in hand to DH. I used to give him expenses when I was working full time and he was off work for 18 months, because he'd had an accident and we didn't have children then!

We also have a set amount each month that's for DH and I to buy ourselves things, not necessities so much as my particular brand of shampoo that isn't cheap, or a DVD to add to DH's collection.

Our money is our money. He brings most of it in at present, but as far as its use, its for all of us.

Having access to 'our' money has really got around the problem of me feeling inferior when I had to ask, so a joint account may be the way forward or as above, a set amount given to you.

And exactly Valium married schmarried, they live as a unit.

Ephiny · 21/03/2012 13:18

I agree it should be considered joint money - it's not as though you're sitting doing nothing at home, if you have a small baby feeding every hour, you're probably working harder than he is! You are both working and contributing to the family, in different ways.

Even if you don't want to spend 'his' money on you, surely you can spend it on your (and his) child? Confused. I can't understand you not wanting to do that.

In your situation I would prefer to be married, though it shouldn't really make a difference to how things work day-to-day.