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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate the fact my DP has to pay for everything?

75 replies

Diamondgirls · 21/03/2012 12:48

While I was pregnant, I only had a temp job and so I dont get maternity pay or any other income. I now have £4 left of my savings. Which means that I have to rely on DP for everything. My phone contract ended last month and I can't afford to renew it. DP offered to pay for it but I said no. I can't afford to even get on a bus or take DD to one of the baby groups we used to go to. I hate the fact that all the bills, the rent, all our food is brought by DP and I can't contribute. I can't get a job yet as DD is bf'ing every hour during the day and won't take a bottle. Am I being stupid to feel Like this? DP thinks so. I don't want to take money off him but I don't know what tp do now that my savings have run out. DP doesn't mind me being a sahm but I feel really pressured to bringsome money in asap.

OP posts:

Original poster

Diamondgirls · 21/03/2012 13:24

My DD is 6 months. I know I'm being unreasonable. I think I have this whole thing about not taking money off him because I used to see my dad going out to work every day and my mum just lazing about at home. Even now that we are all grown up she refuses to work and I've always said I would never be like that.

I'm only 20 and we have only been living together since DD was born, so I'm still getting used to my lack of independence. I know I will eventually have to ask DP for money as I can't just live on air. But I haven't told him my savings have run out.

Our child benefit goes to him so I don't even have that.
Apart from my weird money issues we are happy.

Thanks for all your replies. It's good to see an outsiders point of view. So did none of you ever feel like this at all?

OP posts:

LydiaWickham · 21/03/2012 13:24

You know what, I felt the same for the last few months of Maternity leave (after Mat Pay ended I had another 5 months off unpaid leave). I hated the idea of having to 'live off' DH, even though I knew a full time nursery place would be £1k a month. A nanny would be a hell of a lot more.

What helped was that we set a budget and he paid £400 a month into my account (as well as putting money in the joint account for bills/food) this was my money to do with as a pleased, to pay for phone contracts, clothes for me, lunches out etc. It meant that I didn't feel each expenditure had to be justified back to him (although he wouldn't want me too, I always felt I had to explain joint account payments). Perhaps you could sit down and work out a budget for you, maybe call it your DD's entertainment budget or your 'nanny fee' if that helps you mentally get over being 'kept', and have that money come to you each month directly. If you don't spend it, then ok, save it and when you do get a new job pay it back into the joint account. If you decide to make being a SAHM a forever thing, then that savings could be your 'rainy day' money (so you wouldn't have to 'ask' for more money for any big things like a new phone).

LydiaWickham · 21/03/2012 13:25

your child benefit should go to you directly, get that changed.

Original poster

Diamondgirls · 21/03/2012 13:28

Also I've had a job since I was 14 and always had to buy everything myself from that age. Even things most people would consider to be a parents responsibility at that age like school uniform.

OP posts:

BareBums · 21/03/2012 13:28

Have a chat with him about it, he can have the child benefit paid straight into your account surely?

Using up your savings seems silly tbh. Ive only just managed to start saving up again and already have had to cripple it due to DH losing his job and FIL being taken ill but those are what savings are for imo - emergencies.

You can always start work again when dd is older.

valiumredhead · 21/03/2012 13:31

Ask him to pay you a wage for your labour if it would make you feel better. Same end result, same principle.

That would be at least £500 per week for a maternity nurse!

nickelhasababy · 21/03/2012 13:31

but you're not your mother!
you don't have her work ethic.
I'm pretty sure you don't laze around at home.

When your DCs (if you go on to have any more) are all at school, you will look into getting a paid job.

Your child benefit is a contribution towards the care of your child.
You need to get a joint account now, and start seeing your (plural) money as yours (plural)
If you want to do it step-by-step, then see the child benefit as the money you use to take dd out to places, and to buy stuff for her, and to pay for bus fares and treats.

imnotmymum · 21/03/2012 13:31

Well go and get a job and let him look after kids if it make you feel better ???

Ephiny · 21/03/2012 13:33

It shouldn't have to be a case of you having to ask him for money, do you not have a joint account? Why is the child benefit not paid to you? Did you ever discuss how finances would work when you had a baby?

You really should have access to some money in your own right. Thinking of worst-case scenarios, what would happen if you split up?

InAnyOtherSoil · 21/03/2012 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LydiaWickham · 21/03/2012 13:34

YOU HAVE A JOB NOW, IT'S FULL TIME CHILDCARE - IT WOULD COST YOU AT LEAST £10 AN HOUR TO PAY SOMEONE ELSE TO DO WHAT YOU ARE DOING FOR FREE - sorry, but I needed to shout this. You have to accept that what you are doing is a full time job, it's just unpaid. If you went back to work full time and hired a nanny, would you think they did or did not have a job? Would you think they were lazy and a scrounger or would you think they had an important and busy job?

How about this, if you went back to work, both you and your DP could buy childcare vouchers on your pretax wage of £374 (I think) a month, would you expect him to do this each month to cover his share of the costs too? If so, perhaps that would be a good budget for 'your' money (assuming he can afford it, make it less if that's not an option right now). So he either pays it directly to you, or to a voucher company who pays it to the childcare provider.

LydiaWickham · 21/03/2012 13:37

Oh, and the child benefit in your name for pension contributions is a very, very important thing, you need a certain number of years NI contributions to get the full second state pension, if you aren't working but claiming child benefit the government pays your NI contributions until you DC is 12. Put it in your name, you don't want to lose out as a pensioner because of the way you arranged your finances now.

MrFluffy · 21/03/2012 13:40

I felt like this. I went from being an entirely independent career girl with plenty of money to living in my husband's house, supported by his wages, my own career stalled and having to think about the cost of everything. You have gone from independent single person to dependent-at-home in a matter of months and that is bound to mess with your sense of identity as you don't yet see yourself as a traditional "family" with the joys and burdens that brings. It wasn't an easy transition for me either. I hear motherhood generally isn't.

But it's not forever. It sounds like you have a lovely, supportive DP, just be honest with him about your savings and how you feel and I'm sure he will reassure you. Best of luck!

cornflakegirl · 21/03/2012 13:40

My DH is a SAHD, and although we have a joint bank account, he still asks my permission sometimes to spend money outside the normal day-to-day expenditure. It makes me sad when he does, because I don't want him to feel beholden to me at all.

I think you need to have a chat with DP pronto - Lydia's suggestions sound really sensible.

Chubfuddler · 21/03/2012 13:40

You should be getting the child benefit. And you shouldn't have to ask, feeling I was going cap in hand would upset me too. You need to work out a joint budget and you need access to a joint bank account so you aren't asking for every penny.

nickelhasababy · 21/03/2012 13:42

I echo the Child Benefit thing - change it into your name.
It's very important for your NI contributions.

Ephiny · 21/03/2012 13:44

I'm assuming too that your DD is still very little (if she's feeding every hour), so you will surely have the chance to get back into work when she's a bit older, if that's what you want to do.

Still think you need to sit down and have a proper talk about family finances and work out a system that you're both happy with, it all sounds a bit haphazard at the moment! Also, I'm sorry to go on about it, but please do think about your own financial security, as you're unmarried and with no income or savings of your own which can put you in a bad situation if things go wrong in your relationship.

nickelhasababy · 21/03/2012 13:47

I'll tell you what we do.
I'm self-employed, but don't take a wage at the moment, so have no income.
(and look after DD most of the time)

we claim Child benefit and child tax credit in my name.
The money goes into a joint account.
(we have our own separate bank accounts because we'd both lived on our own for so long, and DH has all the bills set up with direct debits so it was easier to keep our own accounts like that)
Any money that's given to us by relatives for gifts etc, and any money that DH gets as tips at christmas, etc, gets put into the joint account.
We use the money from the joint account to pay for anything that DD needs, and for the car.
Now we're getting the tax credits, we've been using the joint account for food quite often too.

Bramshott · 21/03/2012 13:50

If you were working while you were pregnant you may well be eligible for Maternity Allowance, even if you're not entitled to maternity pay.

Info about who is eligible here

nickelhasababy · 21/03/2012 13:58

It's too late now, though ,her DD is 6 months old.
it has to be claimed within 13 weeks.

nickelhasababy · 21/03/2012 13:58

doh.
that's wrong.
your link says
"The earliest you can get Maternity Allowance is from the 11th week before the week your baby's due. The latest you can get it is from the day following your child's birth."

LizzieMint73 · 21/03/2012 14:12

Agree with everyone else saying your job is currently caring for your (and your DPs) child. You're probably doing most of the housework as well? so dont ever think you aren't pulling your weight!

Something else that's very important that you can do if you have the time/energy is take charge of the family budget and make sure that you are claiming all the tax credits etc that you are entitled to and that you are getting best value from everything you buy - if you are careful you can save loads on gas/electric/insurances/food, so effectively you are contibuting by saving money on the boring but essential stuff. If you have time to meal plan and cook from scratch (including batch cooking for the freezer) that can also be a great help. Moneysavingexpert is probably the best place to get help on all that and theres loads of ideas on budgeting/saving money/upping your income that can make a big difference.

Bramshott · 21/03/2012 14:15

Ah I see - I didn't realise how old the OP's baby was.

Emo76 · 21/03/2012 14:29

I just wanted to say please don't miss out on things like the bus and baby groups because you are too proud to take some money from the father of your child - who is offering it!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/03/2012 14:41

OP you must get Child Benefit changed into your name to protect your National Insurance contributions.

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