To hate the fact my DP has to pay for everything?

[Diamondgirls]

While I was pregnant, I only had a temp job and so I dont get maternity pay or any other income. I now have £4 left of my savings. Which means that I have to rely on DP for everything. My phone contract ended last month and I can't afford to renew it. DP offered to pay for it but I said no. I can't afford to even get on a bus or take DD to one of the baby groups we used to go to. I hate the fact that all the bills, the rent, all our food is brought by DP and I can't contribute. I can't get a job yet as DD is bf'ing every hour during the day and won't take a bottle. Am I being stupid to feel Like this? DP thinks so. I don't want to take money off him but I don't know what tp do now that my savings have run out. DP doesn't mind me being a sahm but I feel really pressured to bringsome money in asap.

I think it is hard earning no money when you've been used to being financially independent.

I know I loathed it.

DH couldn't be more generous. Nor did he ever say the money was his. And yes he frequently said he appreciated everything I did at home.

And yet...I bloody hated it. You can't help how you feel sometimes can you?

Wordfactory, I'm. So glad I'm not the only one!

Can someone explain about the national insurance/child benefit thing please? I've never heard of that before.

When you pay NI, that entitles you to a State Pension if you pay enough years (22 in total I think).

While you are not working, but at home looking after young children, as long as you are claiming Child Benefit then you earn credits which pay your NI for you for those years.

So if you are a SAHM or SAHD then it is very important that the Child Benefit is in your name, so that you don't lose out on however many years of NI contributions.

I can sympathise with how you feel as I've been in a similar position for a few months. I left my well paid job where I didn't really have to think too much about what I was spending my money on when we moved to the US. I'm expecting our first baby in a few weeks.

The first couple of months were hard as I was just randomly asking DH for cash for groceries, clothes (needed mat things), money to have coffee with new friends. And I felt shit every time I had to ask. Losing my financial independence sucked!

But we sat down and worked out a system where he gives me cash every 2 weeks that I use for groceries (I write a meal plan so I stick to what we need) and then the rest for me (and baby). I have my own bank account which I put some money aside in so I can save up and buy him things like birthday presents etc without him knowing!

If I need to get a lot of baby/house things in one go I'll fill up an Amazon cart with it, check he's got enough cash in bank and use his card to pay for it. He pays for my phone, all bills and most petrol directly (I fill up the car if I need to). We also do a big monthly bulk-buy shopping trip.

I frequently remind myself that this is our money and not his!

Ideally we should get a joint account for all this but the system works at the moment. We might revise later once we've got our heads around the US banking system.

Oh and I call my fortnightly money my wages by the way as that is what it is. I'm running the house, cooking, cleaning and about to have a tiny human to look after too. Actually I think I need a pay rise...

I dont get your attitude at all, my DH is a SAHD (whos just registered as a childminder actually to bring in extra money for the family. And it for US - as a family, the way it should be. We have a joint account and everything is joint, aftyer bills and food is apid we decide what we can and cant afford. But I get that you are young and used to your own financial independance at least.

Did you sit down as a couple and discuss finacnes when you were pregnant? It might "only be money" but this can cause huge rows in couples. And why is the child benefit paid to your DP anyway? Its not that thats wrong or anything, its just more usual to pay it to the Mum becasue of the HRP thing that contributes to your state pension.

Child benefit is in my name but I put my DP's bank details down because I felt it should go to him as he pays bills ect So as it's in my name, does that still count?

We did talk about it a bit while I was pregnant. But I thought my savings would last longer.

I think you both need to sit down and have another chat about finances really now. Yes if the CB is in your name that will count.

If you have always worked (assuming 4 years if you left school at 16) then you would have qualified for MA. You should also be getting CB and CTC so plenty to use whilst you are on maternity leave.

You need to chat with your DP, assuming you return to work after normal maternity leave its not that much longer anyway before you'll be earning again.

Charge him the going rate for a nanny and a cleaner then.

YAB a little bit silly. Families with a SAH parent have joint money, and not going to baby groups is not helpful.

Surely you're entitled to maternity allowance if you weren't working when you had your dc?

Oh, and cb should be going into the account of the child's main carer i.e. you.

My last post might have sounded harsher than Imeant it to, I just wanted to say you have no reason to feel guilty, and shouldn't be miserable ecause of not having money when your dp has money.

This is not right. It is his baby, and you are a couple, this means you are a family now. He works for the family, and you also work for the family, as a full time child carer. This does not mean that you should live off all your savings. You both contribute equally. You need to sit down and discuss with him how much you need for your own spending money after all bills etc are paid. Ideally, you and him should have the same amount as "spare" money. Get child benefit paid direct to you. Look into whether you qualify for maternity allowance and other benefits.

Don't be silly! Of course yabu.
If it's really bothering you that much though, could you not take in a bit of ironing or something in your area? Your local gumtree might help you find something if you really felt the need to. I can understand how you feel completely, I would hate to be dependent on someone that way too but you are working just as hard as him and as a family the money is everyones!

You have 0 income. Fair enough, but if marriage is not a big deal/meh who cares then protect yourself through it. I'm not a marriage nazi but you must see how risky that is.

Good idea aldi
why don't you agree an amount with your DP that he puts into your account each month? Then you can use it without having to ask each time.
Also, how the heck do you buy food etc? Does he always get it or do you use a joint account ?
How about - joint account for domestic expenses
His account for his expenses
Your account for your expenses
We do this and it works really well.

Also, do you not get statutary maternity pay? You should be eligible for this if you were not i. Your job long enough to qualify for their maternity pay.

The child benefit is for you and your child. You are losing the ability to work because you are looking after your partners child - therefore, half his wages belong to you - you are enabling him to work. If he was off work doing childcare and you were working the same would apply.

You should have been entitled to Maternity Allowance of £125 a week by the way...but I think you are too late to claim now. Remember it for the next child!

Missing out on baby groups and living a normal life, ie. getting buses. having coffee with friends, is not good for your baby - and it's completely nonsensical. The money your husband earns needs to be used as a family for everything you - as a family - need to do.

You need to sit down and talk to him properly as everyone here says. I think it's wrong that he expected you to use your savings - what about his savings? why is having a baby a cost that the woman should bear alone?! think about it logically - that is unreasonable.

You shouldn't be asking for pennies/ pounds each week - you and him should both have the same amount to spend from the money he earns, after bills are paid. That's how it works with me and my partner.

I am about to start maternity leave and my partner will share his income with me as I don't have any savings. That's just the way it is, it's not his money, it's our money together.

and by the way, not having a phone is ridiculous, you are a mother and your DP needs to be able to be in contact with you. You aren't your own mother, you are a hard working young woman who is unable to work because you are breast feeding. Now it's time to start acting like a family.

Just wanted to add, it doesn't matter how you get your bus fare for baby group but make sure you go! I didn't do much socialising first time around and i wish i had now, am on my second and have made great friend s through baby group think i would go mad now without it, joint account definitely the way (if he has more money than you!) only joking it is obviously joint money, not just his now if this is a long term partnership.

You should talk about getting your name added to his bank account, if you're already putting money into it.

Which makes no sense anyway - you're claiming child benefit for the child, which is going into your DP's account, but you refuse to take money from him?
for things for the child?

Why bother claiming CB in the first place if you're not even going to accept you can use it?

I think part of the problem is the way you are arranging your finances which means you are having to ask for money. I would not feel comfortable with this at all and would make me feel like I had lost my independence.

I am fiercely independent but when I went on maternity leave I didn't feel this way and I think it's to do with how we arranged our finances from the outset of our relationship. Regardless of who has earnt what, we have always totalled the amount and then divided it up into various pots e.g x for bills, y for mortgage etc and then dividing what's left equally and putting it in our own current accounts. This is our money to spend as we wish. It's seen as a joint income that is split equally.

Perhaps you can suggest something similar to DP explaining how the current approach is making you feel. You are each doing a job that needs doing in your family unit - him earning the physically money that you both need to live on, you looking after children and saving on childcare costs? Both of equal value in my opinion.

I quite understand how important it is to have independence. But to deny your dd the chance to do things because you won't ask your DP for bus fare is counterproductive surely?

Right now, your job is being at home. This may well change as your dd gets older. Or it may be that you become the main earner. Who knows? But right now you aren't sitting around doing nothing other than spend your DP's money. You are raising the child you had together and if he is more than happy to give you money, for heaven's sake back down and accept it. Don't let your child do without things on the basis of a somewhat misguided principle.

I do understand how you feel and I think I will struggle with this myself, but you cannot last the rest of your mat leave on £4! And as others have said, you are contributing to the household by providing childcare. Would you feel better if he put a weekly/monthly amount in an account for you to use, so you still manage this money and don't have to ask him for individual payouts.

YABU to have the attitude that your dp is not earning for the family. It sounds like he takes the view that the income is for the family, so you need to listen to him.

However, it's totally understandable that you might find it frustrating to not have an income right now. Remember that it's not forever. Many women successfully combine working and bf too- and it your baby won't drink from a bottle, go straight to a cup .