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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel uncertain about DH taking DD on a week long trip abroad without me?

51 replies

0017 · 20/03/2012 13:29

I know this should be fine. Grandparents want to see the grandchildren to celebrate one grandparent's birthday. I can't go due to work, so they are now asking if DH will take my four year old DD without me (DD2 will stay home with me). Thing is, it will be an eight hour plane journey there and back in DD's first ever half-term after starting school in September, so I genuinely think that it will be very tiring. It's for a week which is quite a long time for her to be away I think. But mainly I just don't feel OK about it. I actually know that I am being unreasonable really, as the main problem is ridiculous scenarios about planes falling out of skies and stuff like that. I guess I have to say yes, don't I?

OP posts:
LexieSinclair · 20/03/2012 13:34

Does it have to be for a week? Could they not go for just a few days? I'm guessing it's too far for anything less than a week.
Worrying about planes falling out of the sky is irrational - but her being tired is not. Could you maybe postpone the trip until longer school holidays when you can all go together and she won't find it so tiring?

diddl · 20/03/2012 13:36

YANBU to feel uncertain about your young daughter being away from you for a week.

But she will be with her father & GPs-people who love her & will look after her.

Isn´t it more likely that your husband won´t want to do the flights?Grin

Original poster
0017 · 20/03/2012 13:37

Yes, possibly less than a week but then it would seem that once there after long journey, they turn around again. I agree, plane scenarios are stupid but it's how my mind works when I wake up at 3am and start worrying!

OP posts:
Original poster
0017 · 20/03/2012 13:38

Yes diddl! He's not that keen which is why he definitely didn't want to take the other one too!

OP posts:
Debsbear · 20/03/2012 13:39

I don't think you are being unreasonable to worry about it, but I think you should let them go. Why isn't DD2 going as well if you are in work all week?

LexieSinclair · 20/03/2012 13:41

If neither of you are keen on the idea then TBH I wouldn't. There will be more special occasions to celebrate when the DCs are a bit older and can travel more easily, and when you can all go together.

FredFredGeorge · 20/03/2012 13:41

There's not really any reason why she shouldn't go, so I think YABU as you know, I'm sure she'll enjoy the trip! And you can get over your worries about the plane going down (which is hopefully just as bad if it's just DP anyway?)

belgo · 20/03/2012 13:42

YANBU. You don't have to say yes. As you say, she will be tired from school, it will make her even more tired for the following term, and your dh isn't keen anyway. And you will miss her. 8 hours plane flight is a long way.

overmydeadbody · 20/03/2012 13:43

Of course you are going to worry, but I think you should let them go.

Your DH will look after your DD, she'll be doted on by loving GPs, she won't necessarily be tired the whole time, and it will be something she remembers for a long time and a great opportunity for her dad to bond with her.

TheExpatWife · 20/03/2012 13:44

I wouldn't want my DH and one of my DC's to do a trip like that. There's all sorts of reasons - irrational ones like the plane crashing, yes - but also the fact that I we are a family unit, and unless there is a VERY good reason for us to separate to do major trips/life events (like a week's away, long haul) we do them together, when it is convenient for all of us.

I think GPs expecting a 4 year old to travel for a week, in half term, on an 8 hour flight, without her mum, to celebrate a birthday, is a ridiculous suggestion. Can't you all go together at another time?

Original poster
0017 · 20/03/2012 13:46

Yes, I know, I should let her go. I will let her go. DD2 will be in nursery, so I can continue to work, hasn't started school yet. Thanks all (and yes, it would be vv bad if DP's plane went down, but the TWO of them - even worse)!! What a horrible conversation, I'm going to have to make a cup of tea now.

OP posts:
diddl · 20/03/2012 13:46

I can´t see anything wrong with the GPs asking-OP & her husband can always say no!

Original poster
0017 · 20/03/2012 13:48

Hello Expatwife, cross-posted. Interesting perspective, which is also what my mum says. In other words, why can't we wait. I must admit that I would prefer that but it doesn't seem to be an option. I've tried to project myself into the future and wonder how I might feel in a similar situation as a granny. I do think that I would say let's postpone and do it a bit later in the year when you all can come, but mother-in-law is determined to celebrate on her birthday I think.

OP posts:
Eglu · 20/03/2012 13:49

I do agree that in her first half term after starting school she may be very tired, but I also think that since the GPs won't get to see both grandchildren can it not be done another time when everyone can go?

Original poster
0017 · 20/03/2012 13:49

Trouble is Diddl it would be me saying no not my DH, and I don't really want to be the baddy in this situation.

OP posts:
belgo · 20/03/2012 13:51

Agree with TheExpatWife.

No problem in the grandparents asking, but they should not pressurize you.

I think it's far better to wait until you can all go and enjoy a family holiday.

belgo · 20/03/2012 13:52

'I don't really want to be the baddy in this situation.''

if they make you feel like the 'baddy' rather then respecting your decision, then that is even less reason to do as they say.

LordGiveMeStrength · 20/03/2012 13:52

I'm an expat living here in England so I can voice the other side of the equation. Every august my husband's work goes into mental crazy time so for the whole month he leaves at 7 in the morning and doesn't get back until 9 at night.

My parents live in the states so one summer I went for a week to see them. It was so lovely to see my daughter enjoying her other half of the family and bonding with her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Was I sad to not have my husband with us, absolutely. But my DD and I wouldn't have seen DH anyway as work was manic.

As hard as it is, I think it's important to let them go and to be excited (if possible) that your dd will get to spend quality time with her grandparents. My kids only get to see their american grandparents 1-2 times a year and it breaks my heart they can't see each other more.

noinspiration · 20/03/2012 13:53

Why on earth would you stop them? I genuinely don't understand. She will have any amazing holiday of a life time, and is going to love having daddy all to herself. Are you jealous?

TheExpatWife · 20/03/2012 13:53

Invite MIL to your house then Wink. Afraid I'd react to the demand as much as anything.

But that aside, I think there are good reasons for saying it is just too far, she's too young, and you can't all travel so you'll come on a family visit at a more convenient time. If you aren't happy with her being so far away, that is a perfectly normal and reasonable reaction. Others might do/feel differently but that doesn't invalidate what you feel or make you wrong or unreasonable.

Mumsyblouse · 20/03/2012 13:55

There's one easy way to see if you are over-reacting: imagine you are from a different country and want to take your four year old over to spend a week with your parents at this time point. If you think this would be fine, then you know it is your over-active imagination (plane crashes are not probable) and natural fears as a mother getting a bit out of control. If actually, on reflection, you wouldn't feel capable yourself/prefer to go at another time/feel she would be too tired, then you should say no.

I used to feel like if I wasn't there, bad things would happen. It's taken me several years to realise (I mean deep down inside) that my husband feels the same, and is just as competent at dealing with the children as me. It's especially important to face this if you are in a partnership where the other person is from abroad/foreign, as if you let your fears determine what happens, they may end up more estranged from that side of the family than they need be.

diddl · 20/03/2012 14:03

I also live abroad I having always thought of us as a "family unit"-but there times when everyone not going is the only way.

If the GPs would like to see their GC & it would work, I don´t see why the husband doesn´t take them both tbh.

Original poster
0017 · 20/03/2012 14:04

Good way of looking at it Mumsyblouse and I would underline that I know in one sense I am being irrational re: the thought of her being apart from me and the stupid stuff about planes. I am concerned about the tiredness though. Also my DH is slightly less ... ummm, attentive shall we say. For example, when travelling in the car he almost NEVER does the straps on their car seat properly, he leaves it so loose that the straps may as well not be on. I always have to tighten etc. Also for eg, we have been on a foreign holiday where the car seats provided by a car hire place have been frankly worse than useless. I refused to travel in the car with kids until resolved, he didn't. I am honestly not infantilising him by saying this, and I'm genuinely not one of those people who think that mothers are better at caring for children than fathers. I just do think that he doesn't always have quite the same perspective on potential risk as I do.

Noinspiration: I'm not jealous.

OP posts:
belgo · 20/03/2012 14:06

I also live abroad and my parents would never pressurize me to leave the children with them without me.

Debsbear · 20/03/2012 14:09

Is there any way that your DP's parents could come to see you instead? Sounds like your DP is only agreeing to go because he doesn't want to be the one to say no, and wants you to get him off the hook.