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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel uncertain about DH taking DD on a week long trip abroad without me?

51 replies

0017 · 20/03/2012 13:29

I know this should be fine. Grandparents want to see the grandchildren to celebrate one grandparent's birthday. I can't go due to work, so they are now asking if DH will take my four year old DD without me (DD2 will stay home with me). Thing is, it will be an eight hour plane journey there and back in DD's first ever half-term after starting school in September, so I genuinely think that it will be very tiring. It's for a week which is quite a long time for her to be away I think. But mainly I just don't feel OK about it. I actually know that I am being unreasonable really, as the main problem is ridiculous scenarios about planes falling out of skies and stuff like that. I guess I have to say yes, don't I?

OP posts:
Flyonthewindscreen · 20/03/2012 14:11

I don't see why your MIL would not rather wait a little longer and then have both her GDC come and visit her rather than just the eldest?

fedupofnamechanging · 20/03/2012 14:19

If you are not comfortable and if you have concerns about your dh's ability to look after your dd, then I think it is perfectly fine to say no.

Just because your IL's want something, it doesn't mean that they should have it. This is your child and if you'd rather she didn't go, then you should say so. I'd rather be the 'baddie' than feel pushed into doing something I didn't want to do. I have said no to my Il's in the past - it's uncomfortable, but better than the worry and resentment I'd feel, if I did something that didn't sit easily with me.

I think that if your dh was really keen to take her and was very good at checking seat belts etc, then that might be different, but given that he isn't especially keen, I really think you should visit when it suits you as a whole family.

quickhide · 20/03/2012 14:22

We did a similar thing in September- DH and DD1 (3.5 at the time) went away for 2 weeks to the inlaws' holiday home in Cyprus while I stayed at home with DD2 (18 months). I really didn't want them to go but the holiday was already booked then I got a new job and couldn't take the time off.

I too had lots of irrational fears about planes dropping out of the sky and also things like pool safety (there is a pool at the house) or DD wandering off on the beach. Lots of arguments with DH beforehand with me trying to drum safety instructions into him and him calling me patronising.

In the end I realised that he is her father, he is a capable adult and I just had to trust him. And you know what, they had a great time! They got a lot of special treatment and attention on the plane (I think people thought he was a poor single dad!) And it was a great bonding experience for them. It also made DH realise how bloody hard it is being the only parent in charge sometimes.

I did miss her like crazy though, had to go into her bedroom every night to shut her curtains and even sniffed her pillow occasionally

I say let them go!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/03/2012 14:45

DH is a WAHD running his own business so is completely flexible with taking time off during the school holidays. I am a WOHM and have more limited holiday.

So every year DH takes the children to visit his family in North Africa for 3-4 weeks and if I can join them I go for a week or two. Children are 4 and 8 now.

Its tough but its doable. It's likely to arise again if you have family in another country so this may be something you will have to make peace with at some point.

Original poster
0017 · 20/03/2012 15:12

Wow, that's a long time Chaz. Is it OK to ask whether in fact you enjoy any aspects of it? I must admit that when DH was talking about taking both kids, amidst the worry, I did consider what it would be like to have a whole week unattached so to speak. Clearly things have changed since my younger days, as the most exciting thing I could think of doing was going to the cinema! In reality, I bet I'd end up just staying later at work.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/03/2012 15:17

I make the best of it. I book a facial, massage, theatre tickets etc. Go out in the evenings without feeling that I should be home with the children.

I also catch up on a lot of sleep. Lie ins are such a luxury. This year I'm hoping to nab a few more Olympics tickets in April.

DH had to go home for a week for a family funeral taking DS2 only as DS1 was in school, DS1 and I organised some special days out etc which was lovely one on one time.

Hopandaskip · 20/03/2012 15:22

I prefer travelling as a family unit, but I would still say 'let them go'. I think spending time with family that loves you and rarely sees you is massively more important than being tired at school for a couple of days.

Plus the things you learn travelling and visiting other places are wonderful and enriching. When our kids were younger and we travelled I told the teacher that I wasn't going to bring my kid in until lunchtime the first day or two so they could rest. They didn't even blink.

dreamingbohemian · 20/03/2012 15:27

I think if neither you nor your DH are that keen, why do it?

My family is 8 hours away by plane. They are constantly asking us to bring DS for a visit, even though we keep explaining that we can't at the moment (too expensive, can't get off work, plus maybe we are wusses but we don't really want to take a 2 y.o. on a flight that long for a quick visit). It's maddening how they don't respect our decision.

I wouldn't tell them you're afraid of the plane crashing, but I think your other reasons are really valid and they should respect them. If they don't, then they are being massively unreasonable.

What really irks me in your story is that your DH doesn't want to go, but would make you be the one to say no and take the blame. What's that about?

nightowlmostly · 20/03/2012 15:30

I think if he's going to go he should take your youngest as well! Give you a week to yourself, to see friends, go out, whatever you like. He can do all the family stuff for the week, leave you to chill out!

Mumsyblouse · 20/03/2012 15:36

I didn't get that he didn't want to go. If he doesn't want to, it's not going to be as much fun for the two of them as if he's desperate to take them. The GP's do need to abide by your family decision (which you need to make together). I would talk to him again about it and see just how much he doesn't want to go.

Kitchentiles · 20/03/2012 15:44

If you do decide that they are not going, here's a tip for when you tell the ILs. Have some other dates to hand and arrange the family trip there and then, even if it's a year away. Book the flights and tell them you have.

That will appease their disappointment, distract them and show you are serious about visiting. Much better than just saying no and vaguely that you'll all go together 'at some other time'.

worldgonecrazy · 20/03/2012 15:46

I prefer travelling as a family, but if your only concerns are that an accident might happen, or that DH won't cope, then YABU. I agree that he should also take the youngest to give you some 'you time' so that everyone gets a holiday. Of course you will miss each other, but it will be a great adventure for your kids - can you set up Skype so you can call each other every day?

bearhug · 20/03/2012 15:53

Assuming your DP is a competent parent, why wouldn't you let them go? My DP has been taking our DS to see his parents from when he was about 18 months old. Sure I miss them, but I wouldn't dream of letting that get in the way of them spending time with that side of the family. How very odd that you should want to keep them away from them.

Original poster
0017 · 20/03/2012 16:12

Bearhug, these grandparents see their grandchildren regularly, they visit us at least four times a year and have been known to stay for a month, sometimes longer. Although to be honest it is generally easer to shift two retired people here, rather than two working parents and two kids to them, we do also regularly visit them abroad as a family. Lucky us, although I do prefer spending holiday time as a family as it is precious. My DH doesn't get much and he works long hours. The main thing is though, this really has absolutely nothing to do with me 'wanting to keep them away from them.' How very odd that you got that impression.

OP posts:
Jenny70 · 20/03/2012 16:30

Although I wouldn't like it, I know it would be the right thing to do EXCEPT I feel bad that DD2 is not included... sure she might be younger and harder work, sure if may amp up your anxiety... but what if grandparents get sickly and she never sees them. She'll look at photos of grandparent's birthday in years to come and wonder why she was excluded.

To me if it is important for grandchildren to be there, it's important for them all to be there. That's my view, but might not work if DD2 is breastfed or something (but you said nursery, so guessing older than that).

SuperSesame · 20/03/2012 16:39

I didn't think I would like my DH to take a DC away for a week to grandparents either, although its hard to articulate why to him without sounding as if I don't trust his parenting.
Quite often when he visits the ILs for an afternoon with DC, DC will come back with a bruise or cut. I think it is because once DH steps into the ILs house, he sort of reverts to a child himself, or even a stroppy teenager waited on by his mum and plonking himself on the sofa. Its fascinating to watch!
Poor DC might not be getting the normal supervision and ends up wandering the house alone while DH catches up with the ILs.
No way would I be happy with a week there!

lottiegb · 20/03/2012 16:41

The thing that would concern me about this is the length of the journey, for just a week's visit and how tired your daughter is going to be on returning home and to school. Is there a time difference too? Even more disorientating.

I've done week long trips to N America with that length of flight and find you're just turned around timewise, when it's time to come back. Both in those terms and ration of time away to time spent travelling, I'd want two weeks away for an eight hour flight.

If me, though you haven't mentioned this, I'd be thinking we can only afford one family holiday this year with that sort of outlay for flights and I'd want it to involve all the family and be longer.

lottiegb · 20/03/2012 16:42

ratio not 'ration'

Sparks1 · 20/03/2012 16:42

This is a school aged child. I really think you need to cut the apron strings a little and stop being so risk adverse.

Of course your child will cope without you for a week.

belgo · 20/03/2012 16:44

She's four, not 14. Plenty of time for 'cutting the apron strings'/

Sparks1 · 20/03/2012 16:55

She's four, not 14. Plenty of time for 'cutting the apron strings'/

And at age 4 you start the building blocks for a confident,independent 14 year old.If when my daughter was 4 i had thought she wouldn't cope with either me or her mother for a week i'd have had some serious concerns.

belgo · 20/03/2012 16:56

Then your concerns in all likelihood would be completely unfounded.

Sparks1 · 20/03/2012 17:04

Maybe, maybe not. But when you're waking up at 3am worrying about planes dropping out the sky i'd say a bit of perspective is called for.

diddl · 20/03/2012 17:16

Well if neither of you are keen, can they come to you?

Afterall they are the ones who want to see the GC on their bday.

ToxicToria · 20/03/2012 17:35

YANBU I certainly wouldnt be happy with my son being that far away from me and for a full week, dont be forced into it if you dont want to.

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