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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist DH has the snip

61 replies

lechatnoir · 19/03/2012 13:21

..even though I would love another baby. DH is adamant he doesn't - we have thrashed this out many times in the past few years & his mind is absolutely made up. I'd never force him into another baby if he wasn't 100%, so added to the numerous practical reasons also against, I've had to accept we'll forever more be a family of 4 & now think DH should take responsibility for contraception & have a vasectomy.

given I would obviously be very happy with an accident

When I broached it he instantly dismissed it saying he was far too young (36) & we've managed fine using condoms for years why change now. My argument is condoms aren't 100% & whilst I'd be happy with an accident, he clearly wouldn't plus, him that refusing is giving me (probably false) hope that he'll change his mind about a 3rd baby. I suspect this is one of those conversations I will come to regret ever starting.

AIBU to insist if he doesn't want more children he should have the snip?

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 19/03/2012 13:23

His body his choice.

Sarcalogos · 19/03/2012 13:24

Yabu his body his choice.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/03/2012 13:24

Well you cant "insist" he has the snip anymore that he can "insist" you are sterilised TBH - it's his body!

However, if an accident were to happen if a condom fails than he cant get arsy about it either.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn · 19/03/2012 13:25

I don't think you can insist - it's up to him. That said, you can have a talk about it and make sure he realises that you would be happy with a "little accident" this is how I have five DCs not four Grin and that you will not put up with him complaining once it's too late. He needs to decide just how strongly he doesn't want another child, and if he feels that strongly about it, then he will have to take full responisbility for deciding if he is willing to risk using condoms (are they about 97% effective or something when used properly?) or a snip. Don't forget even a snip can sometimes "fail" too, nothing is 100% except abstinence...

HettyKett · 19/03/2012 13:26

YABU his body, his choice.

I do agree with you, if he's the one who absolutely doesn't want any more children then he should have it done. Still, it's his choice.

Have you discussed what would happen if there was an accidental pregnancy? Would he try and 'force' you to have an abortion, knowing you'd actually love more DC?

wannaBe · 19/03/2012 13:28

if he is using condoms then he is taking responsibility for contraception. Were he to insist you stay on the pill yet have the same attitude I would be less sympathetic, but as he is taking responsibility yabu.

MrsTittleMouse · 19/03/2012 13:29

Sorry, while I understand your POV, you can't insist that your DH has an operation, any more than he could insist that you do. Would that be an option for you - getting your tubes tied?

HettyKett · 19/03/2012 13:32

yy that's true WannaBe. Personally I'd never trust condoms in a situation like the OPs and I can see why she's not happy with it either.

qazxc · 19/03/2012 13:33

His body, his choice. You can't insist that he have the snip same that he can't insist you get your tubes tied. if he is happy with the method of contraception you are using now, it's up to him. nothing is 100% (apart from abstinence), not even a vasectomy.

Original poster
lechatnoir · 19/03/2012 13:33

No MrsTM because I want more children and DH knows I live in vain hope he'll change his mind Grin - he is the one saying no more hence me saying OK then if you're so sure then have a vasectomy

OP posts:
Original poster
lechatnoir · 19/03/2012 13:35

eta given condoms haven't failed us for 15 years, maybe I'm making too much of this? Do they really fail is you use them correctly?

OP posts:
alessthandomesticgoddess · 19/03/2012 13:38

Why don't you get extra contraception if you know about his aversion? The injection, the coil, the pill, the implant, the mini pill etc. There are options. You cannot dictate what he does.

Anonymumous · 19/03/2012 13:39

OP, you're being a bit manipulative here, aren't you? Grin You're just hoping that he'll say, "Oh all right then, I don't want a vasectomy so that must mean I'm not as opposed to having another baby as I keep pretending to be - OK, come on, let's try for another one!"

Or are you gearing up for a Ronnie-Mitchell-style, pin-through-the-condom scenario, which you can then blame on him later for not having the nerve to go through with the vasectomy when he had the chance...?

noddyholder · 19/03/2012 13:39

I don't think you can insist someone goes under the knife tbh.

OTheHugeManatee · 19/03/2012 13:46

You can't force someone else to have an operation like this.

Could you compromise and get a coil? They're far more effective than condoms.

Chattymummyhere · 19/03/2012 13:47

YABU to insit he has the snip however, he needs to understand condoms are not 100% and that should one fail and you where to get pregnant you would not be having an abortion.

Also since Op does want more children why should she have to go on the pill/get her tubes tied/injections etc she wants more he does not, therefore he needs to take 100% control on the not getting pregnant part, If they both wanted no more then they should both be making sure.

Bellstar · 19/03/2012 13:55

YADNBU op-am actually Shock at the hard time you getting on here. If your dh is adamant he doesnt want anymore dcs then he should sort out permanent contraception and stop being so selfish.

I am in v similiar situation-I asked dh what would be worse-the snip or another unplanned pregnancy and he couldnt answer meHmm

BeattieBow · 19/03/2012 14:05

well you can't insist as other posters have said.

but we were in the same situation - dh didn't get round to having the snip, I couldn't take hormonal contraception due to the blood clot risk, and lo and behold our other contraception failed and lovely ds2 was conceived and born! I think he just procrastinated rather than having a firm objection to having the snip, but one of his excuses was that what if I died (or he left me I suppose) and his new woman wanted a family! ds2 was born when we were 37 by the way. Just a cautionary tale...

VonHerrBurton · 19/03/2012 14:17

Am I Being Unreasonable to insist my dw has her tubes tied

Doesn't read very nicely does it, OP? It's the use of the word 'insist' that sounds horrible. All a bit passive aggressive emotional blackmail-y. He's probably just scared of having the operation, with good reason! My dh has had it done and it was painful.

SofaKing · 19/03/2012 14:23

I too agree you can't insist he gets the snip.

Just make sure he always puts the condom on himself, and make sure that he is responsible for the contraception if he doesn't want another.

Make sure that he knows in the event of an accident you absolutely will not have an abortion.
Also, would you be willing to use the map if the condom broke or slipped off? Again if you can agree all these things it will save you arguing later if anything happens.

VonHerrBurton · 19/03/2012 14:30

Just reading what you say Sofa. Can you imagine being in the position where you have had, as a couple, an accident with a condom. You want the baby, he absolutley doesn't.

What a strain that would put on a relationship. There must be another, more reliable, form or contraception that's suitable to prevent them ever being in that situation.

VonHerrBurton · 19/03/2012 14:31

form of contraception!!

pumpkinsweetie · 19/03/2012 14:34

Agree with op totally if he's adament he dont want anymore kids he should have it. Why should u be the one to end up on ur own with a baby (condoms can split)

Anonymumous · 19/03/2012 14:41

Did I miss something - where did OP suggest that she was going to end up on her own with a baby if she got pregnant again? Confused

pumpkinsweetie · 19/03/2012 14:43

"His mind is made up" that answers it in itself