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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To insist DH has the snip

61 replies

lechatnoir · 19/03/2012 13:21

..even though I would love another baby. DH is adamant he doesn't - we have thrashed this out many times in the past few years & his mind is absolutely made up. I'd never force him into another baby if he wasn't 100%, so added to the numerous practical reasons also against, I've had to accept we'll forever more be a family of 4 & now think DH should take responsibility for contraception & have a vasectomy.

given I would obviously be very happy with an accident

When I broached it he instantly dismissed it saying he was far too young (36) & we've managed fine using condoms for years why change now. My argument is condoms aren't 100% & whilst I'd be happy with an accident, he clearly wouldn't plus, him that refusing is giving me (probably false) hope that he'll change his mind about a 3rd baby. I suspect this is one of those conversations I will come to regret ever starting.

AIBU to insist if he doesn't want more children he should have the snip?

OP posts:

naturalbaby · 19/03/2012 14:45

I don't see why he doesn't want to, but obviously his body his choice. Dh desperately wanted one, I wouldn't let him because I thought we were too young even though we'd agreed we didn't want any more kids. We had an unplanned pregnancy.

What would he say if you had an unplanned pregnancy, because no form of contraception is 100% safe?

nizlopi · 19/03/2012 14:49

YABU. Its his penis. His choice.

Debsbear · 19/03/2012 14:53

I Don't think YABU to think that contraception should be down to him, but it seems to be happy using condoms. At least if anything does happen and you do end up pregnant he can't blame you for it (unless you've stuck a pin through the packets! ). I don't think you should insist that he has the snip, but you can justifiably refuse to go on the pill or have a coil. That is your right, just as much as having/ not having the snip is his right.

mummymeister · 19/03/2012 15:09

If you are using condoms and they have worked well for 15 years (showing you know what you are doing with them!) then why insist he has the snip? your post is full of mixed messages OP. in a way it looks like you are suggesting that as he won't give in and have another child at some point in the future then his right to change his mind should be taken away as punishment. sorry if you think i am being a bit harsh but there is no way my DH would tell me to be sterilised. if you are worried about unplanned pregnancies then are there other options you could both explore?

nizlopi · 19/03/2012 16:16

Going on from what mummymeister has said, I have to say, the way you've worded this is almost like you're saying to him 'If you won't let me have another child, the only other option is you have surgery on your penis'

Almost like you're trying to force his penishand by giving him this either/or situation.

Again, in my opinion YABU.

IslandMoose · 19/03/2012 16:38

Of course you can't "insist" that he has a vasectomy - even suggesting that is ridiculous.

I do agree with the argument that you, however, shouldn't be obliged to take any responsibility for other forms of contraception unless you particularly want to be helpful in that regard. He's the one who wants effective contraception so he has three choices - a vasectomy, condoms or abstinence.

MadameChinLegs · 19/03/2012 16:41

if he were insisting on you using contraception rather than condoms, then he would be BU. But, he is taking responsibility for contraception by wearing a condom.

He is entitled to not want to have surgery. If you are happy with an accident, why do you care either way whether he uses a condom or has the snip?

aldiwhore · 19/03/2012 16:50

Yes its his body and his choice, even if it seems logical that he has it done, its his choice. I have friends who talk about their husbands as if they were the family dog ("I'm getting him done" eg.) and it makes me stabby.

You would like another baby. He doesn't, and so therefore it would be grossly unfair to expect you to shoulder the burden of contraception alone. He's happy to use condoms, if he's happy to do this knowing there is a rather bigger than slim chance of another baby then you're both in a happy compromise.

You need to do more talking. Don't try and convince him to have the op, that is his choice. However, before you sleep with him again, you have to at least get an acknowledgement that condoms aren't a fail safe method and he will accept the responsibility of it failing.

YABU to expect him to have this procedure. HIBU to think that condoms will stop pregnancy completely... I have 2 children who were both condom kids!

ChaoticAngel · 19/03/2012 16:58

YABU to insist that he has the snip.

YANBU to insist that he takes responsibility for his fertility. If his choice of contraception is condoms then you have to accept that. At the same time he has to accept that if one does fail and you become pregnant then he can't force you to have an abortion.

PrincessTamTam · 19/03/2012 16:59

Of course you can't insist he has the snip, but I do have sympathy with your pov.

We successfully used condoms for 8 years, tho neither of us really liked them, and we were both horrified when I got pregnant with DS4 - it really does happen. (We are both very happy to have him now btw!)
After this we discussed permanent contraception and he was going to have the snip but kept putting it off and coming up with excuses. In the end I REALLY didn't want to go through another pregnancy so just booked myself in for sterilisation. It was my body and my decision, but we were both agreed on no more DCs.

I think you really need to get him to seriously consider how he'd feel about an unplanned pregnancy, and you are right, if he is the one that would not want that, then he is the one who should take responsibility for it not happening. You need to make it clear that if it did happen you would not be pressured into an abortion, that is a situation any marriage would struggle to cope with.

picnicbasketcase · 19/03/2012 17:04

His balls, his choice, I'm afraid.

I do see what you mean, it's a tough situation for you and his line about being too young doesn't really make sense - if he doesn't want more children, why is he too young to make sure he doesn't have any more children but you can't insist he has surgery.

KatAndKit · 19/03/2012 17:07

If he is totally sure that he doesn't want any more children I don't see what his age has got to do with it. Plenty of men earlier in their 30s have a vasectomy if they don't want any more children. What is the difference between having it done at 36 and having it done at 40 if his mind is made up about more children?

If he really means he never wants to have a vasectomy then obviously you need to talk about the long term implications of that. If you are the same age as him that could mean using condoms for the next 15 years, would he be ok about that? How do you feel about using condoms all that time?

Of course you can't insist that he has a vasectomy. But at the same time he has to understand that condoms are a less effective choice of contraception - 10% + of condom users will conceive each year (assuming regular sex etc) and you still have quite a few potentially fertile years ahead of you.

Tiddlyompompom · 19/03/2012 17:15

Picnic makes a good point - if he's sure he doesn't want more kids then why on earth does his age make any difference? Why would bring 10 years older make any difference, is he holding off on the offchance you and the kids get struck by lightening? Maybe he's just scared of the procedure.
Obv YABU to insist he gets the chop, and as long as you leave the condom responsibility up to him then he is dealing with it. It sounds like you just need to point out the chance that you might still eat preg, and tell him that he's going to have to either be happy with a possible unplanned DC3 or get the snip now!

Tiddlyompompom · 19/03/2012 17:16

X-post, sorry Katandkit!

RhinosDontEatPancakes · 19/03/2012 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatmeworry · 19/03/2012 17:56

If his choice of contraception is condoms then you have to accept that. At the same time he has to accept that if one does fail and you become pregnant then he can't force you to have an abortion.

And given condoms have worked for you for 15 years, it seems like you are just trying to punish him for not wanting another child.

lisaro · 19/03/2012 17:58

I also feel 'his body his choice' but fwiw I can totally see your reasoning and understand it.

PrincessTamTam · 19/03/2012 18:00

Erm...that's a bit harsh Whatme.

SunSoakedStone · 19/03/2012 18:03

YANBU I'm having similar thoughts.

Male vasectomies are fairly simple, day patient procedures. Female sterilization is more serious, more intrusive and it will affect your hormones. They don't compare.

Does he understand the procedure i.e. that he will still be able to ejaculate?

On the other hand... are you absolutely sure you are emotionally ready to write off having more children with him? I keep thinking I will get some massive financial windfall one day that would make another baby easier... [hopeful emoticon] Small chance but I'd be gutted if it wasn't possible.

Angelico · 19/03/2012 18:12

I think you know yourself that you can't assume control of someone else's body so YABU BUT as others have said there will be no point him having a crying match if a little accident occurs. I can understand the frustration of having to use contraception when it seems unnecessary.

ComposHat · 19/03/2012 18:22

Your husband is taking responsibility by using condoms, used correctly ( along with morning after pill for any slips or breakages) is a highly effective form of contraception.

YABU to try and twist his arm into having a painful and invasive operation he clearly doesn't want or indeed need if he is using another form of contraception.

To be honest your op comes across as 'I can't have what I want, so he must be punished'

DinahMoHum · 19/03/2012 18:25

YABU, if he doesnt want it done, its up to him. Get a mirena or get your tubes tied yourself

warthog · 19/03/2012 18:31

well fair enough if he won't have a vasectomy.

but fair enough too if you won't have an abortion.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/03/2012 19:44

I can understand, OP, that his refusal to consider a vascectomy when he is so adamant he doesn't want another child must feel a little as if he is hedging his bets - and since you want another child, that must feel a bit like teasing, that there must be some circumstances for which he's preserving his fertiltility (Zombie Apocalypse and the planet needs repopulated? )

But even so, you cannot insist on the snip. You can only insist that he accept the inevitable gracefully in the event of an accident.

misslinnet · 19/03/2012 19:54

YABU. He's taking responsibility for contraception by using condoms.

So long as he understands it's also his responsibility if you have an unplanned pregnancy due to condoms failing.

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