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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to find this weird?

51 replies

dobeessneeze · 18/03/2012 21:12

This week, after our cleaner had gone, I found a present for DD in her cot, along with a card and a note saying to give it to DP. When he opened it, it turned out to be a Mother's Day card 'to my wife on your very first mother's day', presumably for him to send to me.

We've had her since just before Christmas on a recommendation from a neighbour (who we don't know). She's nice, very very chatty, although most of her stories are bizarre/bordering on totally unbelievable. She's not brilliant, but the house is definitely cleaner than it was before we got her.

This is just the latest in a whole string of presents that she's started to bring us, mostly for DD, but sometimes for me and DP as well. It's mostly just little things, a bunch of daffodils, baby clothes that are far too small that she's picked up in charity shops and things, although she also brought us a DVD a few weeks back. It's got to the point where she is now bringing us something every week. I think she's just lonely, but it's making me feel a bit uncomfortable.

Every time she does it I say something along the lines of 'thank you, that's very kind of you, but you really don't have to do that', at which point she says something about being 'the present lady', or about how much she wishes she had a grandchild of her own. At first we thought it was nice/funny, but it's been preying on my mind for the last couple of days as to start providing us with greetings cards to send to each other seems to be bordering on plain weird. We were also away for 10 days a few weeks ago, and I think she came back in to do some of our washing after her usual session as all the cleaning cloths were hung up when we got back.

I sound horrible don't I? Why would anyone complain when they have a cleaner, especially one who is fond of us, who does our washing while we're away, and who likes to bring us presents, but it does feel weird. I'm not sure if I should say anything to her, although I don't think it's worth creating any sort of conflict over.

OP posts:
lepetitchoufleur · 18/03/2012 21:18

No, I would find that odd and a little creepy if I'm honest. You could sit her down and say you're worried about her? It is possible to nicely say you feel the volume of presents is very kind but a little inappropriate. It does sound like she's lonely but do you know anything about her family? Could she just be being overly generous? good luck! Awkward much?! Have you spoken to the people who recommended her to see if she does this with every one? How do they know her?

dobeessneeze · 18/03/2012 21:42

I might speak to the neighbour to see what they think. They got her from an agency. She says she has a son, who lives in Holland, and her family are all in Poland, although it's very difficult to tell how much of what she says is real and what isn't - she's saved a few too many lives and has a few too many famous philosophers and poets in her family to be easily believed. It's starting to get a bit creepy - you're right!

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 18/03/2012 23:02

I agree OP I would be thinking about getting a new cleaner to be honest! Things like this have a habit of turning out badly! I used to go into a shop frequently and made friends with a woman who worked there. Within weeks, like your cleaner, she was wanting to meet for coffee every week and bringing me quite expensive gifts. I'm ashamed to say that it got really uncomfortable and in the end after i had tried to talk to her many times I literally had to start blanking her which was a horrible situation but it was all a bit single white female!

kissingfrogs · 18/03/2012 23:07

Weird yes. Far too personal. I'd be really uncomfortable with that.

FilterCoffee · 18/03/2012 23:17

Get a different cleaner. There will be other cleaners who'd welcome the job and you'd feel more comfortable with.

splashymcsplash · 19/03/2012 00:01

I think the key issue here is that you feel uncomfortable, therefore it is probably a good idea to end your relationship with this woman.

abbierhodes · 19/03/2012 00:32

Hmm, sounds like she means well though. The card thing is odd, but she's of the generation who might assume men just forget. I wouldn't ditch her, she sounds very lovely. TBH, it all sounds like something my gran would do. You can't leave her house without a gift- either something she's bought for you or something of hers she thinks you'll like. I've lost count of the garden ornaments!
Maybe she's just lonely? I'd take it all in the spirit it's intended, and be glad I had a cleaner who popped in to give the house a 'once over' when we were away, despite not being paid for it. Worth her weight in gold there!
Maybe buy her a present back once in a while? It'd make her very happy.

CaoNiMa · 19/03/2012 03:40

She definitely sounds as if she has some issues, but I would be angry about the card if I were you. Who is she to intrude on your family like that? For that alone, you need to sit her down and have words.

iscream · 19/03/2012 04:02

I'd be offended regarding the card, and not like her coming into my home for an nonscheduled cleaning session while I was away. I think I'd either talk about it, and see how that goes, or else replace her.

SaraBellumHertz · 19/03/2012 04:54

It's the sort of thing that would make me feel uncomfortable but I am a bit uptight Grin

My sister had a cleaner a bit like this, would take silver home to give a really good polish in front of the TV; if a delivery card from the post office was left she would go and pick it up in her own time.

She was quite full on but probably a bit lonely and once my sis got used to it it was all fine.

Have to ask though did your DH get you your own card?

dobeessneeze · 19/03/2012 09:21

I did get a card and some nice tea from DD (which I suspect he had a hand in, what with her being 8 months old), but not from DP (he didn't send me the cleaner's one either). DP suggested that we give the card back to her and say thanks, but we were already sorted for cards, and maybe talk to her about coming in while we were away at the same time. Oh, and maybe about the jars of baby food that mysteriously appeared in our fridge while we were away as well. The baby food thing is weird too, right?

OP posts:
chocolatehobnobs · 19/03/2012 09:28

I think she sounds really thoughtful if a little full on and maybe lonely. She probabely just thought it was a perfect card for you and your DP would be delighted. Be grateful that she cares about your family. She will try her best to have things nice for you.
You do maybe need to have a gentle word about it though.

JaneB1rkin · 19/03/2012 09:37

She sounds lonely.

It's the sort of thing I tend to do (not so full on as that!) but I love to do things for other people and I think some people need to be useful...she was thinking too much about your family, because she has no one to think of and do things for here. Why is she here if her family is all abroad? I would talk to her about how much she must miss them, and thank her, and say she doesn't need to do all this - but if you do decide you can't handle it, and fair enough, then please don't tell her it's her fault. It will really hurt her feelings.

I don't think she intends it to be creepy at all.

Fwiw I bought DP some shirts the other day, only on the clearance rail but still - he wasn't expecting it. Cue him opening the wardrobe and saying 'have another man been here?!!!' It was his first thought, he was so surprised.

I just like to do stuff for people so that I feel like I have a purpose. It might be a bit cack handed at times but it's meant really genuinely.

So...don't give the card back, don't have a chat about her easing off a bit, just either go with it or let her go for some other reason.

JaneB1rkin · 19/03/2012 09:38

have? Golly. Has!

StealthPolarBear · 19/03/2012 09:39

No this is intrusive

Chubfuddler · 19/03/2012 09:42

That's your husband though Jane. You can buy him spur of the moment things, it's allowed. A cleaner doing this is just plain weird. I'd be looking for a new one and changing the locks.

AutumnSummers · 19/03/2012 09:48

She's overstepping her bounds. Her behaviour is very off and if it were me I'd not feel comfortable with someone so strange and unprofessional working for me, regardless of what may or may not be happening in her personal life.

You've tried to be subtle but it's not helped so I'd go down the more direct route of pulling her aside for a formal word. If she back-chats and refuses to pay attention to what you're saying then I'd fire her.

Figarello · 19/03/2012 09:52

She sounds nice, lovely, lonely, all of those things. And perhaps if the relationship was different - if she was the OP's sister or mother or good friend - then some of those things might be okay and not make the OP feel uncomfortable. But she's not. She works on a casual basis (I assume just a few hours a week) and has only known the OP for 3 or 4 months. She has crossed a line...actually she has crossed several lines.

Personally I would let her go before the situation becomes even more uncomfortable and it gets more difficult to end.

JaneB1rkin · 19/03/2012 09:53

Gosh that's harsh Autumn.

She hasn't actually done anything wrong or, from what I can gather, badly intentioned. No harm has been done. Formal words and warnings and firing someone on the grounds of overkindness and lask of boundaries just seems unnecessary.

You could find a far gentler way to get rid if she makes you uncomfortable.

JaneB1rkin · 19/03/2012 09:54

sorry lack. My typing is atrocious this morning.

AutumnSummers · 19/03/2012 09:56

Normally I'd suggest the subtle approach but OP has already tried that.

Chubfuddler · 19/03/2012 09:56

You don't need to give a cleaner formal warnings etc because they are not employees. They are self employed providers of a service.

Don't over think this op. she makes you uncomfortable, there are other cleaners, get rid.

Stratters · 19/03/2012 09:57

Disagree, it's intrusive behaviour now. The odd bunch of daffodils from her garden is fine. But the rest is way, way past normal in my book.

AutumnSummers · 19/03/2012 09:58

I never said formal warning, I said a formal word. There's a difference. All I'm meaning is that OP should be a bit more forceful with what she's said than she has been.

CalamityKate · 19/03/2012 09:59

Blimey that is odd!

And there's me wondering if I'd be overstepping the mark if I descale the kettle of one of my clients on my visit while they're away!

Your situation would weird me out a bit.