AIBU when I expect a man to be disgusted with someone like this?

[Steffi90]

My ex partner was abusive and mean and very possessive. I don't know why I stayed with him honestly, except from the fact I like to think I could help people change. I was young at the time too, so I suppose I didn't know about the real world as much as I do now.

Anyway he has looked at some inappropriate things on the internet related to underage people and he was abusive/aggressive to me in the relationship in several ways. He never hit me but he would hit things around me and threatened to hit me amongst other things on many different times. He was more emotionally/sexually abusive.

AIBU to think that men should be disgusted by someone like this? Most guys who know about what he has done in the aspect to me (some others since then too, namely his now ex girlfriend who thankfully has found someone decent) and the stuff on the computer. They are like ah yeah that's crap. Am I being unreasonable to expect them to be enraged and disgusted by such behaviours not just be 'ah ok what a bummer/what a twat' and that's it?

I know it's a delicate subject but I know that my Dad and other members of my family would want to 'sort out' someone like that but it seems guys I know from 18-30 seem to have no reaction. So is it more socially acceptable these days to do things or try to do things to minors or to force yourself on a woman? I honestly don't know anymore.

I am a woman, but I would sure wanna hurt someone like this

It's not so bad if they are a single guy even but if they have kids or a girlfriend and they STILL hang out with this guy? I don't know it makes me mad as I feel society finds this kind of thing alright these days.

I don't know, I can certainly see where you are coming from, and for the most part I agree with you. But I think a lot of "things" like this just seem to be accepted by most people because they don't directly effect them.

(You may have got a better response to this if you had posted in Feminism rather than AIBU).

BTW I meant to say sorry you had to go through that with your ex.

Would you rather they charged round and beat him up, and then were arrested, charged and ended up in jail, or with a fine, and a criminal record? What exactly do you want them to do? rant and rave and stomp and shout? maybe they figure someone who has been in an abusive relationship can do without people shouting and ranting and threatening violence. Maybe they just don't know what to say, it's hardly dinner table conversation, or something one can make light of/make a joke of or reply flippantly.
YABU to expect people to be "enraged" by something that they have as hearsay, and have not experienced directly, and tbh you sound as if you are trying to shit stir and want someone to go round and thump your ex for you. Hire a thug if that's the case and have done with it.
Are your Dad and brothers not in the know? Since they would have the reaction you seem to want, why not tell them?

I don't know what you expect from them.
If I found out a friend of mine was at shit like that I wouldn't associate with them, but I'm not going to go "sorting someone out" because that would just be stupid and more likely to end up with me in trouble than them.
If he's broken the law then report him to the police.

He should have been dealt with by the police if he has 'stuff' relating to minors on his pc.
Maybe people only take in some of what you are saying as they may think you are bitter towards him. People don't know these things for themselves. His more recent ex probably feels like you do. You need to move on and forget about him, as he is continuing to influence your life. Make a decision to report him or not and then behave as if he doesn't exist. You don't need to worry about other people's opinions of him then.

Well they may be of the very valid opinion that there is two sides to every story and without being privy to all the 'evidence' they wouldnt feel justified in ending their freindship with your ex on just your say so.

{Can't you just tell that this is exactly the situ BabyDubs is in with a few friends at moment}

I would say what a dick and I would be mad and outraged

BUT

I wouldn't touch/ beat up/ sort out anyone
EVER

I would not want to be done for assault (which could happen) and I'm not a violent person. What would it achieve in the long run? Sod all

I know I'm a woman but DH wouldn't do that ether as he has other people to think about

It would be nice if more men would speak up when in groups and men like this make dodgy jokes/say things that show they are dodgy. I think a lot of them are scared to confront and not seem like One Of The Blokes. It is a feminist issue to empower men (and women) to challenge these attitudes.

I think most people would assume there were 2 sides to a story, and that a grumpy ex is never the most reliable source to trust.

YABU to expect that every man you tell should want to go round and 'sort him out' in a fit of rage. I'm quite surprised by that attitude actually. You want them to get 'enraged and disgusted' about something that is in the past, no longer a problem for you, not their problem, all when they only have your side of the story. And he never even hit you?

Your ex sounds like a twat, and of course what he did was wrong, but you are on a very dodgy path if you want every man you tell in the future to actually display anger over something they can do nothing about. Why would you want to see more anger than you have already had to put up with?

Another one here who isn't sure what you expect from these men. They can't legally just go beating up guys for you, as disgusting as their actions might have been.

If what you expect is for them to stop being friends with that person then that is slightly different. However, as you say it wasn't physical abuse, it's possible they don't see it as being serious. (Don't flame me for that, btw, I'm not saying mental/sexual abuse isn't abuse. In fact I think mental abuse is almost worse, as it can take ages to figure out what's happening to you. I'm just guessing as to their perception of it) It is also a he said/ she said thing, and unless these men are very close friends of yours, I wouldn't expect that they would drop their friendship with him over your accusations.

TheFeministsWife I know what you mean and that's another issue I have everyone is all about 'me'. As in, if it doesn't directly effect them it doesn't matter how bad something is which I think is wrong. I would just like to think that someone would care a woman or a child has been mistreated. Isn't that the 'manly' way to be. Now I'm liberal and I agree with the changing of the times and know that woman can stick up for themselves too so in a sense I can maybe let that bit slide but those who are parents? What if he were to try something to their child? I can't guarantee that he wouldn't.

Fair point. I put it here just incase I had to describe anything. I don't want anything too upsetting for people to read.

PomBearATTheGatesofDawn I don't want that reaction at all. Violence doesn't help anything but for someone to blatantly say how disgusting that kind of behaviour is and to keep their kids away from that person would be acceptable don't you think? If I just wanted someone to sort my ex out I'd do it myself. It's the fact he can do it to other people. Police don't listen so you have to warn others who are around them. I've seen proof and to be fair, most the people who know him know it's true because he doesn't actually deny it.

I just worry for those who have kids or girlfriends because it's not fair. Am I unreasonable to want people not to go through what I have or to put their kids in unnecessary danger? I think you are jumping to conclusions on what I would socially expect.

My Dad wouldn't beat him up or anything unless he caught him doing something. My Dad is a calm, kind mannered man but doesn't mean he isn't disgusted by that kind of behaviour. I just thought most men would be very protective of woman and children and try and keep theirs away from someone like that. Is that so weird?

mayorquimby ok that sorting out thing was a bit of a confusion as I didn't want anyone to do that I just meant that they'd think that and of course rationalise that it's not a sensible idea but like you said I'd expect them not to associate with the person or keep their kids away from that kind of person.

I have called the police on him and so did someone else not sure why it didn't go further so I have just warned younger girls that I'm friends with about him because I think it's only fair.

delilahlilah No, he was violent to her so she definately agrees with me and he was going out with her when she was underage. I reported him and so did someone else but nothing happened and I don't know why. Maybe it's because he destroyed the PC he had when I found the stuff on his computer. I'm bitter in the sense I wasted time being with him and he upset me but I don't let that cloud my judgement on other things and I just worry as police haven't done anything and he's dated/tried to do stuff with underage people that someone is seriously going to get hurt. I care as a human being and as a maternal woman. I don't speak to the guy anymore and only speak about him when others bring him up which bugs me anyway as I don't want to know about him and his life. If I'm not told what he's getting up to, I don't have to be disgusted by it you know?

yeah but at the same time they most likely don't know for a fact that these things have happened, they have the word of an ex. what happened when you reported him wrt to the underage porn (i presume that's what your hinting at)?

also I don't think what you said was a bit confusing at all. It was clear as day
"I know that my Dad and other members of my family would want to 'sort out' someone like that but it seems guys I know from 18-30 seem to have no reaction. So is it more socially acceptable these days to do things or try to do things to minors or to force yourself on a woman? I honestly don't know anymore.

I am a woman, but I would sure wanna hurt someone like this"

essentially if you don't want to sort him out or hurt him you're not a man and younger men find this behaviuor more acceptable

BabyDubsEveryone I'm sorry about that, it's very frustrating. I know how you mean you can't know for sure and I take that on board. But as most our friends went to the same school/lived round the same area we mainly know eachother and it's pretty much a given people know he's like that because they mention it and he doesn't actually outright deny it either. So I'd imagine that's enough evidence for most people. But I do understand sometimes people might think I'm bitter, or might expect too much as it's not to do with them. Just expect people to be weary that's all. Hope your situation gets better. It's horrible when people have to find out someones nature for themselves. On the bright side I'm going to teach my kids Kung Fu at aged 2 lol. :)

Whatmesorry I know what you're saying but I'm not the only person who has seen proof of this and as stated above, it's kind of a known thing round our peers as he doesn't deny it. So it's not a grumpy ex. I'm a reasonable ex. My other ex was a bit of an idiot but still speak to him just fine and wish him the best.

x-post would appear they're all fully aware of what he's like

OutragedByThePriceOfFreddos I know what you mean I don't expect them to go sort him out but I would imagine they may be enraged and then calm themselves down realising he's not worth it and just keep their kids away from him. It's more the kids issue than the issue with woman as woman can kind of make their own choices about things. But a child? Not so much.

Anger is a natural reaction to someones bad behaviour as long as they didn't go off in a wild beating up spree but acknowledged the disgustingness of someone who does something like that and to keep their nearest and dearest away as best possible. It may have been in the past but it doesn't matter how long ago someone does something related to minors they never change completely that's been proven by scientific research.

I'm enraged too by the way, aka your username ^.

Steffi - there was a thread in Feminism partly yesterday asking a similar question.

I am a man and I posted on that thread along similar lines as some posters here. It is not because men (or people in general) don't care about what happened to you. It is because it does not affect them as deeply as it affected you. They don't know all the facts, they can sympathise but they don't feel that they can do anything practical that would make any difference. They certainly will not put themselves at personal risk on your behalf unless you are immediate danger.

There are many terrible things happening to women (and men) in the World. For example, it is overwhelming, abhorent, disgusting what is happening in Syria. I feel outrage but what can I really do? What can we do as a nation? Send our soldiers (mostly men) to to stop it happening?

cakewench Yes some of these men are very close friends of mine for 6-7 years at least.

Exactly to stop being friends with them or keep their kids away from someone like that.

I agree a lot of guys don't see psychological abuse as plain out abuse as it's not visible and with sexual abuse well it wasn't so much abuse more than if I didn't want to do something I'd be made to do it. I know some might think because he didn't punch me and he just held me down or threatened me it's not the same, but that's out of ignorance than meanness I'm sure most of the time.

I get what you mean though and I do take it on board. I just want to clear things up to everyone I don't want anyone going around beating him or anyone else like that up. It's not sensible, it just gets you into trouble and they get a reaction. Ignoring and unfriending and being weary of that person is a much more sensible option. I think I may have worded my above post wrong.

I can see where you are coming from.

DH and I discovered something disgusting about someone we knew. This person we know was always rather 'well regarded' amongst his peers. A small group of us know what he did and all of us, to a man, will have nothing more to do with him.

Unfortunately not everyone knows, and those that don't still see him. It grips our shit that we cannot shout it from the rooftops, because we know that if others knew at the very least this man would be ostracised. We even avoid an important yearly function because we know this man will be there and DH says he wouldn't be able to bite his tongue.

Hard isn't it.

mayorquimby what I mean is that I'd want to hurt him yes and so would others but that you wouldn't actually do it. I want to hurt people like that but I sure as hell am not going to go round and do it. What we think and what we do are completely different things. I seriously wouldn't do that otherwise I already would've done. If a guy friend tried to do that I'd talk them out of it, because he's not worth it. I want kids and young woman to be protected here.

They took down my statement and said they'd get back to me and they didn't. God knows what that means. Perhaps they lost the file, perhaps they didn't believe me or maybe his pc had gone with the CP on it I have no idea.

I am not a nasty person, seriously.

MoreBeta I agree with you completely on that one. It's the verbal recognition of someones disgusting behaviour and keeping those you love safe I'm referring too here. When I say 'sort them out' I mean what they want to do not what they would do. Doing that would be very silly in my opinion.

It's more the CP I am worried about I just mentioned myself because of course doing things to woman too is disgusting. If a woman is 18+ or even 16+ they can make their own decisions and yes you can warn but that's it I respect that.

But 12 year olds? Not so much.