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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU when I expect a man to be disgusted with someone like this?

68 replies

Steffi90 · 18/03/2012 15:53

My ex partner was abusive and mean and very possessive. I don't know why I stayed with him honestly, except from the fact I like to think I could help people change. I was young at the time too, so I suppose I didn't know about the real world as much as I do now.

Anyway he has looked at some inappropriate things on the internet related to underage people and he was abusive/aggressive to me in the relationship in several ways. He never hit me but he would hit things around me and threatened to hit me amongst other things on many different times. He was more emotionally/sexually abusive.

AIBU to think that men should be disgusted by someone like this? Most guys who know about what he has done in the aspect to me (some others since then too, namely his now ex girlfriend who thankfully has found someone decent) and the stuff on the computer. They are like ah yeah that's crap. Am I being unreasonable to expect them to be enraged and disgusted by such behaviours not just be 'ah ok what a bummer/what a twat' and that's it?

I know it's a delicate subject but I know that my Dad and other members of my family would want to 'sort out' someone like that but it seems guys I know from 18-30 seem to have no reaction. So is it more socially acceptable these days to do things or try to do things to minors or to force yourself on a woman? I honestly don't know anymore.

I am a woman, but I would sure wanna hurt someone like this

It's not so bad if they are a single guy even but if they have kids or a girlfriend and they STILL hang out with this guy? I don't know it makes me mad as I feel society finds this kind of thing alright these days.

OP posts:

Original poster

Steffi90 · 18/03/2012 23:52

confusedpixie Well yeah exactly I tried to be strong it wasn't easy. God, you should've seen me in the interview I was pretty much panick-attacking throughout it was awful. I am kind of scared of him but most my fear has turned into anger and more than even that, disgust. I still have nigthtmares about him which isn't nice. But you can't control your dreams so what can I do.

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cakewench · 18/03/2012 23:57

Oh thanks for your response. I'm terrible at keeping up with threads I've posted in!

Yes, your follow-up posts make it a lot more clear. I agree, fwiw, I'd certainly expect good friends of mine to not continue to be friends with someone who had treated me like that.

Original poster

Steffi90 · 19/03/2012 00:05

cakewench I'm like that too sohard to keep up with all the comments. :) But yes I equally wouldn't be friends with someone who hurt them and like I said it's the things they've 'done' as well - not good at all especially if you have children.

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confusedpixie · 19/03/2012 00:10

I know what you mean about the police interview, I had one for an assault against me when I was 14 and another when I was about 11 and somebody tried to talk me into their car with sweeties and everything. The interview is scary in itself! It was incredibly brave of you. I never could have done it, especially not at that age!

I'm pretty passive about my ex on a normal day, about everything really, my emotions seem quite locked down and neutral. I get worried when I go home that I may bump into him but I spend limited time near his old home and only visit one person from our schooldays in the town when I go. I'm more scared of the idea of facing him, I've only seen him once since it all happened and that was three months after I broke up with him. Have you ever tried hypnotherapy? I had a few sessions of hypnotherapy for something entirely different but it helped calm my entire mind I think. The nightmares and flashbacks happened less frequently and I haven't had either properly in a while now. If it's something that bothers you often it may be worth looking into?

Original poster

Steffi90 · 19/03/2012 00:16

confusedpixie Good idea, I might look into that.

Yes at 17 it's daunting but I know it was my fault. He did something to me when I was 13 and I didn't see that as a warning was terrified of him but thought I could change him and for months he was normal. I know it was my fault and I can't take that back. He always goes around telling people he hates me and things like that but it's annoying as some of the people I know, know him even if they don't explicitly hang out with him. It's difficult.

Yeah dreams of what he done are horrible and some are not about what he done but new scenarios, as if things were being played out differently. It's stupid but it's annoying. I don't get the same with the other person who done things wrong to me. But definately, might give the HT a go.

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garlicbutter · 19/03/2012 00:21

Long after X2 and I split, I thought of myself as still friends with many of his friends. Stayed in touch with a handful by phone for years. They pretty much bought his version of events (me crazy woman) while relaying some of my more forceful points back to him - I know, for example, he was much nicer to W2 at their wedding than he was to me.

It slowly sank in that this group includes:
A man who deals in untaxed valuables, let's say;
A man who only dates women aged 16-20;
A man with repellent tastes in porn;
A man whose main topic is colourful details of sex with his wife;
A man with an enormous collection of working firearms;
A group of 'strip' club addicts ...
... etc. They are all loudly sexist, borderline or actual criminals, out-of-control drinkers, Oh, and jolly decent chaps, good family men, etc.
Every one of their wives has a visible psychological-emotional problem.

So what I learned is one of life's useful facts: sociopaths hang out with other sociopaths. Best you bin the lot of them. Save your head space for people who actually do find such behaviour obnoxious :)

garlicbutter · 19/03/2012 00:23

It's not your fault actually, Steffi. Have you had a look at the Emotional Abuse thread on Relationships?

Original poster

Steffi90 · 19/03/2012 01:00

garlicbutter no I haven't, will have to take a look.

he definately was that.

promise as long as I slept with him he'd never look at that stuff again and said it was ok because he hadn't done anything to them himself.

honestly, messed up bloke and when I said I was leaving punched the wall right next to my head.

also would cry if disagreed with him or if someone else found me attractive and he attacked them and I got annoyed he'd cry and beg and then if that didn't work say I was after them too.

it was a constant.

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garlicbutter · 19/03/2012 01:20

... headfuck?

garlicbutter · 19/03/2012 01:21

Yes, take a look at the EA thread(s) :) Makes it crystal clear there is a pattern; helps to explain a lot!

confusedpixie · 19/03/2012 07:47

Oh steffi :( it really isn't your fault, you will realise that eventually though :) as garlic said, you really need to drop the lot of them, it will help you immensely! Not easy if you live near them though :(

sunshineandbooks · 19/03/2012 08:04

Just another post to say "I believe you" Steffie.

I think what you're experiencing is due to how effectively the message has been spread that 'women lie' about abuse. The figure is less than 10% (think it's 6% but would have to check), and is actually slightly lower than false allegations about any other sort of crime.

The vast majority of women are telling the truth and the world would be a much nicer place if they were believed and people did react with outrage and intolerance at this sort of behaviour.

I had a similar experience with some mutual friends when I left my X, and like garlic it took me a while to realise that many of these people didn't care because they either saw it as normal or believed that women somehow 'deserved' it (either through provocation or because she 'put up with it' and didn't leave). The friends I have kept would be horrified at this sort of behaviour.

I hope things improve for you Steffi.

Whatmeworry · 19/03/2012 08:08

Sounds like you may be in a social group that doesn't agree with your assessment of the situation, for whatever reasons. I'm afraid you are unlikely to change their minds, so you need to leave it IMO.

Original poster

Steffi90 · 19/03/2012 14:31

confusedpixie Thank you. I know his behaviour isn't but sticking around and giving him chance upon chance is my fault but yeah, I'm just enraged he can carry on doing this to people.

sunshineandbooks I know how you mean those kind of friends aren't worth it I know and seriously thinking of cutting them out. I know they live near but will try my best. Would rather have 1 or 2 good friends than 10 okayish friends or 50 a-hole friends. I'm sorry that you can relate though and as much as most men will deny it they don't see it as serious they don't see it's effects because they can't go through something quite the same. Thank you though and yes, life is good except from that. Have an amazing DP who I am marrying next year on our 5 year anniversary! :)

Whatmesorry You are probably right. :( such a shame though as known some of them a long time and gone through a lot with them.

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WibblyBibble · 19/03/2012 14:43

YANBU. He ought to be being 'shunned' socially as this is the only way that people will start to see it is unacceptable to treat women/partners like that. Unfortunately in my experience it is usually the other way round i.e. people become uncomfortable around the 'abused' partner or get outraged that they dare to point out that the man behaved unacceptably and she ends up being shunned. It is one of the most fucked up things in society. I don't know how it could be changed.

Diamondback · 19/03/2012 17:12

I know plenty of blokes who would stop associating with someone they thought was abusive to women/minors.

I also know some blokes who, when you tell them something about a previous boyfriend that makes them uncomfortable, will try to minimise it, say it wasn't that bad. When I've confronted them about it, they've explained that actually they think the guy is out of line and they'd like to kill him if they saw him, but they were trying to say it wasn't that bad to make me feel better about it.

I've had to explain that making out it wasn't that bad doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel that I'm not being taken seriously or that they think that behaviour is okay. I suspect this is what is making you so angry too.

mathanxiety · 19/03/2012 18:08

But would they tell him what they were doing and why? It's a lot less difficult to say 'there there' to a woman (and clearly requires no thought at all if they tell you 'it's not that bad') than to confront a man and this is really the crux of it. 99.999% of men will not confront other men.

Original poster

Steffi90 · 19/03/2012 23:18

WibblyBibble Exactly. Pretty messed up. Weirdos like that too should be shown to the world because they are disgusting.

Diamondback Exactly. It makes you feel like you are not believed or that it's not serious or it's not important/irrelevant. Perhaps they are doing this also - just don't want to get themselves wound up by it or just not saying how it bugs them. It's a valid point.

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