AIBU when I expect a man to be disgusted with someone like this?

[Steffi90]

My ex partner was abusive and mean and very possessive. I don't know why I stayed with him honestly, except from the fact I like to think I could help people change. I was young at the time too, so I suppose I didn't know about the real world as much as I do now.

Anyway he has looked at some inappropriate things on the internet related to underage people and he was abusive/aggressive to me in the relationship in several ways. He never hit me but he would hit things around me and threatened to hit me amongst other things on many different times. He was more emotionally/sexually abusive.

AIBU to think that men should be disgusted by someone like this? Most guys who know about what he has done in the aspect to me (some others since then too, namely his now ex girlfriend who thankfully has found someone decent) and the stuff on the computer. They are like ah yeah that's crap. Am I being unreasonable to expect them to be enraged and disgusted by such behaviours not just be 'ah ok what a bummer/what a twat' and that's it?

I know it's a delicate subject but I know that my Dad and other members of my family would want to 'sort out' someone like that but it seems guys I know from 18-30 seem to have no reaction. So is it more socially acceptable these days to do things or try to do things to minors or to force yourself on a woman? I honestly don't know anymore.

I am a woman, but I would sure wanna hurt someone like this

It's not so bad if they are a single guy even but if they have kids or a girlfriend and they STILL hang out with this guy? I don't know it makes me mad as I feel society finds this kind of thing alright these days.

LtEveDallas Exactly this is what I mean here that's what would be appropriate for my ex partner. Being exluded and everyones kids and young sisters and brothers far away from him.

Your DH is disgusted by his behaviour and wants others to know how much filth he is so they don't bother with scum too. Perfectly understandable.

Heres hoping they both get arrested soon so kids can be kept safe from these types.

Dear God do you live in Eastenders wanting people to "go round and sort him out"?

The reason men don't bother frowning at really bad behaviour by other men is that the police and courts don't take it seriously despite the fact that there are laws against it. And they don't take it seriously because it is women who are affected. It is a vicious circle.

As the Feminism thread discussed, men tend to see only as far as their noses -- if it isn't directly affecting them then they will keep quiet. They are very much inclined to accept the power structure and buy into its values both at work and at home.

Male society is very hierarchical, a pyramid with the alphas on top and everyone else underneath, according to status signals that are recognised by all. An alpha male will not be challenged unless by another. Men who don't see themselves as alpha types do not go around making trouble. The pyramid consists of men. Women and children don't really figure as part of the power structure in which men operate.

OP going from your OP, if I heard that verbatim I'd be a bit 'eh?'

it's all a bit vague.

Are you saying he had child abuse images on his computer ?

And if so did you call the police ?

MrGin Yes he did have child pornography on his computer. I did call the poilice but they never got back to me.

Sorry it was vague I just didn't want to put up any disturbing specifics.

RabidEchidna No but I would love Phil Mitchell to thrash him up a bit. :) Just joking. If you read my responses to the others you'll realise I meant that's what people would want to do. Then they'd rationalise and realise scum aren't worth it.

mathanxiety I agree with you on that one. I just think you should do what you feel is right not what 'someone higher than you' believes is right.

You called the police about child pornography and they never got back to you ?!???!

And you carried on seeing him or did you leave at that point ?

I left a month later when was away from his house he was threatening me at the time that he'd stab me if I tried to leave but when got back to my parents left him then.

Well I did a written and video statement for everything what happened with me, stuff I'd found on his computer etc. They said they would look into it and then, never heard anything.

You can get in touch with the station you made the complaint to (did you get a name for any officer you were in contact with?) and ask about progress.

You should consider contacting the Independent Police Complaints Commission if you find out they never looked into the matter.

Thank you mathsanxiety, might just have to do that.

steffi, I believe you

Well thank you AnyFucker always good to have the confidence of others. As long as he stays awayfrom the vulnerable I am happy. :)

I very much get where you are coming from op

But I dont think is a feminist issue. You say it's your dad and family that get angry. Other men don't as much

But this is generally what happens in life. Your family who are protective care deeply and get enraged as that what family's generally do, while people with less emotional investment in you will just feel sympathy.

Dh recently lost his job. Who do you think is up at night worrying for us? While friends sympathise, it's only my dad losing sleep.

When my ex was violent to me I was horrified at how little so called friends seemed to care, mainly female. The only people who really cared and spent time helping my heal were my father and my now husband

starwisher I get your point but some of these are male friends I've been close to for years who I've helped with relationship problems, bereavements etc so I'd imagine they would be at least somewhat emotionally invested. Some of these have had feelings for me in the past and perhaps still do - again, another reason I'd expect an emotional attachment.

I know how you mean though. But females I know are more disgusted and that's why I say 'men' here as most females think he's sick and wont let their kids near him. Right choice, I think.

I very much feel for how let you down you feel. Infact the friendships with these friends who I had known for nearly a decade at that point actually never recovered and I let them out of my life as I couldn't get over the fact they failed me when I needed them the most.

However my own personal experience was females and males who did not care, so this has moulded my own view that generally most people rarely care as much as they should regardless of sex. Sad but true.

Oh and I once posted about this years ago on here and got told by a female poster I deserved to be let down but so called friends as I sounded "whiny". Pleasant.

OP I know exactly what you mean and YADNBU.

When I was 17 I had my first serious boyfriend, he sounds identical to your ex. I was with him for 18 months and I am quite blunt about him when asked, yet nobody seems to think there is anything wrong with what he used to watch nor the way he treated me. They find excuses for him, usually "Oh, he was young!" or "It's normal to be curious about sex!" but it's disgusting. The worst was "But you'd never be who you are today if it weren't for that experience." which was supposed to be reassuring

I used to make excuses for him too (and still catch myself doing it now, 4 years after I left him) and cannot work out why tbh. I wouldn't expect people to rant and rage and sort him out, but I'd expect them to be angry that it happens.

I don't know what to add really, I don't think yabu at all, it is upsettingly common in young people to accept it and it really shouldn't be.

Saying that, I left the area within a few months of breaking up with him as all of the friends I had in school and college had been turned away from me and the 'friends' I had with him took his side. I haven't been back for long since, I'm still terrified of facing my ex even though I know he's home as often as I (virtually never).

turning you face to the wall isn't only a younger generational thing, they didn't invent this "I'm all right Jack" attitude

middle aged people (and elderly) have been doing it for years

starwisher I think the fact it was to do with children tends to hit at woman more in general as a rule due to 'maternal' feelings. But yes some females were not interested either but mainly the males.

confusedpixie you have hit the nail on the head here and thanks for that! It's anger people do things like these and get away with them. I was 16-17 when dated him this was 6 years ago so had enough time for all the cloudiness or bitterness to get out the way. I have a DP who I am marrying next year - it's just the fact of what I know he will try and do. I have proof from the 15 year old he dated when he was 22 and her younger friend who was 13 he hit on.

At the end of the day I expect some reaction not just 'blah'. Even if someone isn't sure isn't it better to be careful than to risk those who are vulnerable being in that situation?

I am sorry you know how I have felt confusedpixie as wouldn't wish it on anyone and also with you starwisher it's hard to come round from that I know. It's such a shame isn't it?

I am trying to understand why you did not do more to report the fact that you were living with a man who likes child porn .

Your lack of action means that others won't take you seriously. I don't think that people should be "taking action" against someone because of rumours put round.

birdsgottafly wasn't actually living with him was at college but that was near his place so stayed with him sometimes but this was when parents went on holiday so couldn't go back home yet.

I did report him I done the interview, done the video interview which was horrible really horrible as I had to describe what I had found as well as what he had done to me. I wouldn't go through that to get nothing moving. The police said they would get back to me.

I waited 2 weeks then phoned them they said they are still looking into it and haven't heard anything since. What else can I do? I'm no longer with him and he isn't my responsibility I just don't want someone else being a victim of him. I couldn't save his ex in time and she wishes she listened to me.

At the end of the day you can't put any blame on me for his actions or for not doing more as I did. I offfered to go to counciling for it with him and if he didn't, I'd break up with him and I did. At the end of the day the guy scared me and I suppose he still does as he sometimes harrasses me via email and tells me to die and that. I just want people to be safe not worried about me as I live with my DP so I feel safe as he is lovely and would get him away if he came to the door or just not answer it.

:o

steffi, it isn't your responsibility to make sure he can never do this again

that responsibility lies with him, and the police but they decided to tae it no further, not you

you did what you could

you did more than many would have the strength to do

you saved yourself and tried to warn others

AF I suppose you are right there! Admittedly for me I don't get it as much from older people as until now I haven't met and chatted to many people over late 20's. The only ones I have met and spoken much too recently have been landlords or Mumsnetters, and all were surprisingly lovely

Steffi, RE the younger girls, unfortunately a lot of people are of the impression that they are asking for it, therefore it's fine Whilst I cannot deny that many of my peers were asking for it (as in literally saying they wanted to have sex whether they understood the possible consequences or not, not 'asking for it' by dressing up) and dating older men at 13/14/15, there shouldn't have been opportunities for grown men to get close to them and the grown men shouldn't have done anything with them either. It's a whole other issue though that one :(

You are braver than me, I was terrified about the idea of going to the police, very few people know more than a couple of details. I still wouldn't go to the police as he still scares me, as does the sect he's now heavily involved in.

pixie, I am old enough to be your muvver

AF I am reassured by that strangely enough, you've always seemed older wiser ;) A couple of the posters I've always assumed were 30+ surprised me on an incontinence thread a while ago by saying they were early 20's like me and another who I'd always assumed was older is younger than me!

AnyFucker exactly I thought I did a strong/important thing and yes I agree it's police/his doing but police haven't/wont take it further and he obviously wont try and curb the behavour so how is it going to be stopped? Some innocent child or young woman is going to get hurt by him as people like that don't just all of a sudden change.

His uncle was a paedophile too and I am pretty sure he had stuff done to him but didn't press on what. I felt sorry for him but at the same time couldn't put up with that kind of behaviour. It just sickened me.