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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was all we could afford?

98 replies

fhdl34 · 17/03/2012 22:50

Apologies in advance for lack of paragraphs, am on my phone. Today we visited ILs and all of DH's family were there. They were talking about how my DH didn't take enough money out with him last week for BIL's birthday night out. I manage our money so i feel like it was a bit of MIL having a go at me. Basically he took out £30 with him, they went drinking all night, no meal and all in walking distance of our home so that money was all to be spent on booze. After bills we have £140 left out of DH's wage each month and then we live on my wage which is currently SMP of approx £130. That money has to buy our food, petrol and nappies for the week and when he took that £30 out last week, we had to borrow £10 from our savings to last till payday. Whilst I'm happy to spend out of the £140 if it's a one off family occasion for our family as a whole, I don't feel it's appropriate for a night out on the lash. Should I have let him take more out with him? Although i go back to work at end of July, I'll be on reduced hours till more shifts become available so will only be earning £60 per week and I want to conserve our savings to help with that shortfall and ideally, would like to save some money from our weekly money as well.

OP posts:

Popoozle · 18/03/2012 00:07

I manage the finances in our house - I always have done, not sure why but it's just what we do. I have never needed to tell DH how much he is "allowed" for a night out - he knows when our money is stretched too tightly and will adjust his plans accordingly. If we only have £10 spare he would just go for the first or last couple of drinks and not get into rounds.

If £30 was what you could afford for the night out then that's fine, but your DH probably should have cut his evening short enough to make the £30 last. As someone else has said, £30 is 10 pints - that should be enough for anyone.

Original poster

fhdl34 · 18/03/2012 00:09

Yes if they'd stayed in that pub but they went onto more expensive ones. It's hard for me to judge how much is needed to go out drinking as i haven't drank in years but it's kind of immaterial as that was the max of what we could afford. Had it not been his brother I'd have wanted him to take £20

OP posts:

marriedinwhite · 18/03/2012 00:10

YANBU. I think £30 on booze alone is a lot of money to spend for a night out. But then my DH is happy after 2 glasses of red wine or two pints and doesn't really do "on the lash". We aren't on a budget either, but we wouldn't spend money like that.

DPrince · 18/03/2012 00:10

I would be seriously fucked off with my dh if, after putting his brother is a shit position, he didn't jump in and explain to mil that £30 is what you (as a couple) could afford and its not his wifes fault he can't act like an adult.

ImperialBlether · 18/03/2012 00:12

I think they have it wrong. They're saying he didn't take enough money out with him, when really what they should be saying is he didn't stick to the money he had with him and spent everyone else's money.

MCos · 18/03/2012 00:18

Your DH should have budgeted within his £30, and not been a scrounger.
I think you need to tackle DH on his behavior on the night out.

RealLifeIsForWimps · 18/03/2012 00:38

I don't think £30 is that low an amount tbh, if it was just for drinks, but I think the point is that he handled it badly. When I've been skint and gone out anyway (often with enough money for 3 drinks max) I've just said at the outset that I'm not going to get involved in rounds and will just get my own because I'm skint. Friends are always going to understand that.

Occasionally you'll get someone who absolutely insists on buying you a drink, knowing it'll be unreciprocated (I've done the same when out with people who I know are a bit short of cash) and then I think you can only protest so much, BUT you shouldn't ever be scrounging drinks, if by that you mean basically asking people to buy you drinks, or not declining rounds on the first invitation.\

I reckon MIL's comments were probably directed at encouraging your Dh to cut his cloth according to his budget.

PleaseChooseAnotherNN · 18/03/2012 00:45

Yanbu if you can afford 30 pounds you can afford 30 pounds, that should be enough for drinks!

I also manage the budget in our house as dp is hopeless with money. If he wants to buy something or go out he will ask me what we can afford as he genuinely wouldn't know what bills are to be paid or how much we need for food and petrol. Yes I find it tedious and resent being mother to him over finances but I love my dp and if I want a life with him and our heads above water then I have to accept it. Everyone has weaknesses and we are a team, we support each other where needed.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 18/03/2012 01:23

Have you, or has anyone else, actually spoken to your dh about scrounging drinks? That's what seems to be the problem.

I'd be surprised if he didn't feel like a twat knowing that people were thinking less of him for taking drinks he can't afford to give back.

lesley33 · 18/03/2012 01:53

I agree that the issue isn't the amount he went out with - thats fine. But he should not be accepting drinks if he can't afford to reciprocate. And tbh I wonder if when not buying drinks back he has perhaps hinted that he can't because you haven't given him enough money. Although I know this suggestion may be totally wrong.

However its his issue and if anybody says anything eles I would just say - we agreed that he would take £30 out with him, as that is all we can afford at the moment.

BrandyAlexander · 18/03/2012 02:26

I read through the thread incredulous that some posters were having a go at the OP for being controlling etc. I agree with Imperial's posts.

Original poster

fhdl34 · 18/03/2012 07:38

Thanks everyone. I went and spoke to DH last night as it was stopping me sleeping and he'd stayed up watching tv. He said he'd try and budget better so I'll leave it at that and discuss with him again before he goes out in a couple of weeks. I don't want our DD seeing his behaviour and thinking it's normal, his family joke about him being tight when he scrounges drinks and I don't want her hearing that and thinking that's her Dad because he is a great dad and husband, he's just crap with money and has this embarrassing attitude when we or he goes out. We all have our faults, god knows I've got mine too!

OP posts:

Tw1gl3t · 18/03/2012 08:06

OK, my OH does the budgetting in our house. I often ask "how much can I have for so and so?". It doesn't mean I am begging for money...(My money); it means I am asking, "how much can we afford out of our very limited finances for this item?".

£30 in our house is a whole week's food budget, an enormous amount. 10 pints IS enough for anyone.

If £30 is all they could afford out of their stretched budget then whether the money was handed out with a "don't spend it all at once" and a pat on the head, or a tacit agreement that it's all a bit sad that the money situation is like that and a shrug,a kiss and a "have fun" is neither here nor there. If the Husband is an adult then what he did with his money and how he reacted to his friends after he found out/agreed how much was available to him for his fun night out is his, and only his issue.

My guess, is that he used the excuse that, "the missus keeps me a bit short", to garner sympathy and free beer from his mates. When, in fact, it's a convenient excuse to make the OP look like the bad guy.

MrsCampbellBlack · 18/03/2012 08:14

From what your bil said - I don't think its to do with the amount of money per se but more to do with the fact he was 'scrounging drinks from his friends'.

That's what I'd be talking to your DH about as that type of behaviour is just very embarassing.

I don't think anyone minds if someone is out on a tight budget and doesn't want to get into big rounds but people do notice those on the scrounge.

I suspect your mil tries to justify his behaviour by thinking you keep him short of money rather than its just a rather unattractive personality trait.

troisgarcons · 18/03/2012 08:24

I generally handle the money - it is a chore I loathe because it does make you the keeper-of-the-purse-strings.

One person has to take the major responsibility for money - if you both have equal access then you run the danger of both spending at the same time and putting an account into the red.

So because I do the over view the usual questions like "can I fill the car right up or half fill it? is there enough for me to go for a pint? can we run to a game of golf this weekend? are asked of me

DialsMavis · 18/03/2012 08:25

I too think you are focussing on the wrong thing. The problem is your DHs embarrassing scrounging not the £30. He needs to realise that if he can't afford any more drinks then he comes home.

Hecubasdaughter · 18/03/2012 08:31

I have in the past gone out on a very tight budget. I have declined to be bought drinks as a result. Your DH was being unreasonable not you and tbh he was being immature.

bunnyspoiler · 18/03/2012 08:54

I don't have a problem with the amount of money spent. What jumps out at me is how controlling you all are. Op is controlling, MIL is controlling, BIL sounds controlling. No wonder the DH acts like a child with all those people 'parenting' him.

HomeEcoGnomist · 18/03/2012 09:15

Bunny - I think you're a bit off the mark there. The OP being "in control" of the family budget does not equate to being "controlling"
And I'm not seeing where MIL and BIL are being controlling TBH
OP - if everyone has am issue with your DH accepting drinks after his own money has run out, they need to raise it with him - your are not his parent so it's not your job

Inertia · 18/03/2012 09:27

If that's what the family budget can afford, then that's all there is to spend. And once it's spent, he comes home.

I would have said to MIL that if the rest of the family have a problem with your DH scrounging drinks, then tell HIM, and refuse to buy him more. And he needs to learn to budget the money he has and go home when he's spent it all.

DorcasS · 18/03/2012 10:10

Threads like this make me glad I'm single. Couldn't be arsed with someone else constantly trying to fuck up my finances, nor could I be arsed with someone trying to control them (although I recognise in this case the OP has no choice because the DH is too immature).

It all sounds like hard work. The last time I lived with someone we'd pool both incomes together, pay the bills out of that and then split the rest into private accounts so we each had our own "spending money". I used to end up with tons saved up in mine, ex would be down to his last £5 by payday but nobody else suffered but him.

Original poster

fhdl34 · 18/03/2012 10:49

DorcasS that is what we used to do as well years ago when we still rented but now we have a mortgage and a family, we manage our money differently. If DH gets money for his birthday, he'll spend it all the same day, that's just the way he is whereas any money I get for my birthday lasts me for months, we're just different that way. But he's a great husband, a great father, very supportive and he does look after us.
I had our DD by emcs 11 weeks ago and my wound has still not healed. I'm having it packed and dressed daily, I'm not allowed to do any housework until it heals. DH works full time and is currently doing all the housework, cooking, washing, etc. He would never dream of complaining about this despite the fact that it's tiring for him, he just gets on with it. I wish we'd had more money for him to go out with because quite frankly I think he deserved it but we don't.
I consider myself very lucky to have him, yes he's shit with money but no-one is perfect and his positives far outweigh the negatives, which I hope they do for him with me.

OP posts:

Greenshirt · 18/03/2012 10:51

I am shit at budgeting and anything financial.So shoot me.Therefore my husband deals with bills and mortgage out of our joint account. We have a cash pot in the kitchen and if i want money it's there.Saves me asking for it.Works for us and avoids fiscal induced rows.

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