Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was all we could afford?

98 replies

fhdl34 · 17/03/2012 22:50

Apologies in advance for lack of paragraphs, am on my phone. Today we visited ILs and all of DH's family were there. They were talking about how my DH didn't take enough money out with him last week for BIL's birthday night out. I manage our money so i feel like it was a bit of MIL having a go at me. Basically he took out £30 with him, they went drinking all night, no meal and all in walking distance of our home so that money was all to be spent on booze. After bills we have £140 left out of DH's wage each month and then we live on my wage which is currently SMP of approx £130. That money has to buy our food, petrol and nappies for the week and when he took that £30 out last week, we had to borrow £10 from our savings to last till payday. Whilst I'm happy to spend out of the £140 if it's a one off family occasion for our family as a whole, I don't feel it's appropriate for a night out on the lash. Should I have let him take more out with him? Although i go back to work at end of July, I'll be on reduced hours till more shifts become available so will only be earning £60 per week and I want to conserve our savings to help with that shortfall and ideally, would like to save some money from our weekly money as well.

OP posts:
DorcasS · 17/03/2012 23:35

That's what I mean fatfingers. I'd find it very difficult to respect a man who had to "ask" me for money. Bollocks to that.

You'd never get this comment on Mumsnet:

"It was good of her DH to allow her some spending money to go out"

AgentZigzag · 17/03/2012 23:36

But asking 'can I take x amount' and the other person answering with a yes or no is asking the person who knows how much money is in the pot how much money is in the pot, not asking permission to spend the cash dorcas.

fatfingers · 17/03/2012 23:38

But op has specifically asked "should I have let him take more money out with him" which suggests that she is controlling rather than providing information for him to make a decision

thatboysmum · 17/03/2012 23:38

There is no reason he couldn't have had a good night on £30, surely the point would have been to go and celebrate his brother's birthday not get absolutely smashed?
I don't think it is unreasonable to budget your money and if at that time £30 was all you as a family could afford then that's all he could take. I don't see the big deal, he obviously agrees that you taking care of the money works otherwise you wouldn't be doing it.
Your DH is in the wrong firstly for accepting people's drinks knowing he couldn't return the favour and then allowing MIL and family to have a dig at you about it. He didn't have to stay all night or drink beyond his financial limit.

Original poster
fhdl34 · 17/03/2012 23:38

My BIL did mention it today that he was scrounging drinks and he looked embarrassed as well. Perhaps because his friends were out with them. I didn't say anything when MIL made the comments, FIL, BIL, DH and nephew were there so just wanted to not talk about it really. They said it wasn't enough for a night out drinking but I can't help what we can afford and i didn't think it was that low an amount

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 17/03/2012 23:38

mmm, true ffs.

Nagoo · 17/03/2012 23:39
AgentZigzag · 17/03/2012 23:39

hehe, I meant 'fatfingers', not 'for fucks sake' Grin

Nagoo · 17/03/2012 23:42

OP if I were out, I would have been able to have a perfectly good time on £30 without scrounging off anyone.

This is not your problem, it is your DH's. Please don't let your ILs make this about you.

Clownsarescary · 17/03/2012 23:42

fat yes but I think 30 is more than generous. See what you're saying though, he shouldn't have had anything really. grrrr

Original poster
fhdl34 · 17/03/2012 23:45

He got the amount he asked if it was ok to take but had he asked if more was ok I'd have said no and he knows that. If i want to spend something extra on myself i ask him first as well but i make sure we can afford it first before asking him. He has access to our money spreadsheet and our accounts. Savings are in my name but I regularly update him with how much is in there.

OP posts:
DPrince · 17/03/2012 23:47

As your dh is bu when he goes out £30 is not enough. When he goes out with £30 he is embarrassing whoever he is with. I am not agreeing with your mil, but maybe she doesn't know what else to do and trying to persuade you to give him more may solve the problem. Its not right, she should be telling him. But, maybe she doesn't want to face the fact her son is crap with money and a scrounger. What I am saying is, mil may not have intended it how it came across. Maybe she was trying to shame him. He needs to learn to stick to what he can afford, not scrounge (and embarrass people) or not go.

DorcasS · 17/03/2012 23:50

The last time I went out I left home at 7.45pm and got back in at 1.30am. I spent £15.

I don't understand these people that need to go out and get absolutely hammered.

I'm not disagreeing that £30 was enough - I could get hammered on £30!

fatfingers · 17/03/2012 23:50

So he didn't have a choice then really. Why does he have to ask you for money if he has access to the budget and the money? As an adult, should he not have the freedom to make an informed decision and withdraw money without getting permission from you first?

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2012 23:51

OK so he took out £30 and had a bottle of wine in the first place he went to. So that would be about £10-£15? (It would in the pubs near me.) He then had enough for about 4 more pints.

What actually happened, then? Did he have a double whisky, then the bottle of wine, then more spirits? Obviously then he'd have nothing left.

It seems the OP is the one worrying about money and the OP's husband is the reason why she's worrying. It's not fair to blame her. She's planning for the time when her income goes right down; he isn't.

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2012 23:52

Why do you say that in such an accusatory manner, fatfingers? Yes, it's not a lot to go out with, but presumably he would have had a hell of a lot more if he hadn't repeatedly got them into debt in the past.

fatfingers · 17/03/2012 23:56

Because if a man came on here and said he only allowed his wife a particular amount of money out of their joint finances and she has to ask permission first, I don't believe posters would be applauding him and saying she is BU not to remain within the budget dictated to her.

Original poster
fhdl34 · 17/03/2012 23:59

Imperial the wine was £7.50 a bottle in weatherspoons so even less! He had that then went onto mainly pints, the odd different drink here and there. He just cannot budget, if he needs something and there isn't enough money in the account, rather than wait till payday, he just thinks we should transfer money in from savings. If he managed our money we'd have no money.

OP posts:
Clownsarescary · 17/03/2012 23:59

Yes but if the woman was saying she couldn't manage money, overspent got her family in debt etc she would be shouted at too. hopefully

Nagoo · 18/03/2012 00:01

fatfingers we'd say that if the DH was witholding money to control the DW. This isn't the case is it? They came to a mutual agreement about how much they had to spend, and the MIL is complaining as the DH drank more than he could afford.

In a scenario where the DW was spending more than the household could afford, on 'nothing' then I think I would respond in the same way.

DorcasS · 18/03/2012 00:01

I couldn't tolerate anyone like that. Your problem is your OH, I agree. Must be awful having to treat him like a child.

ImperialBlether · 18/03/2012 00:02

OK so what if a woman came in and said this:

"Years ago I got us into a lot of debt through constant overspending. My husband took over the finances and got us out of it. I took over from him and we went right back into debt. My husband now manages the money and although it's taken years, we're now debt free. We don't have a lot of money. In the summer I won't be getting much maternity pay at all and he's desperately saving up so that we can afford to pay our bills and buy food then. I was going out with my sister for her birthday this weekend. I knew we couldn't afford for me to take out more than £30. I asked him for £30 and he gave it to me. However, when I was out, I wanted to drink more than £30 worth, so I cadged the rest of the drinks off my sister. My husband's being unreasonable, isn't he, to restrict me to £30?"

ImperialBlether · 18/03/2012 00:03

So actually he took out enough money for four bottles of wine.

Clownsarescary · 18/03/2012 00:03

Hear hear imperial

FetchezLaVache · 18/03/2012 00:06

Seriously though, is he the only person in the whole of the UK who doesn't understand that "would you like a drink" actually means "would you like to be obliged to buy a drink for virtually everyone you can currently see at some point in the near future?" Having agreed on his budget for the evening, it should have been up to him to realise he couldn't afford to get into rounds and make the adult decision to just get his own. How tiresome if you actually have to sit him down and explain this to him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread