AIBU to not want my DH to put our DC in the creche...

[MummyOnTour]

Our DC are 3 and 11 months. Neither my DH or I have had a job since the youngest was born as we moved out of London and have been living off the proceeds of his house. We really need to have an income now in order to get a new mortgage. I have started a job this week after job-hunting for a few months but DH still hasn't started looking. AIBU to not want him to put DS in the creche one morning a week while he plays racketball with his friend - I know I am bitterly jealous that I am working and he is with the kids, is my jealousy over-ruling me - should I let him have a morning of fun, even though he is not motivated/proactive enough to look for a job??

Punishing him isn't going to help now is it? Think rationally about this. Demanding him to be unhappy until he gets a job won't help the situation.

I think you both need a chat. Being out of work can be very demotivating. I remember my OH getting quite depressed by it so he stopped looking. In the end I started looking for him and had to push him to go and apply for jobs which he reluctantly did. It wasn't because he didn't want to work that he stopped looking, but because he was feeling down about being rejected.

They're two separate issues really though, aren't they?

Lack of job-hunting enthusiasm bigger issue IMO than a morning off for sport (assuming you can afford it?)

Presumably they will need to go into childcare of some sort once he does have work. So surely it would make sense for them to have a taste of it now: a morning once a week sounds like a good start, to me.

Also, if the situation were reversed - i.e. if it was the father saying this about the mother who was at home with two children all week, I think people would think he was being pretty unreasonable. But I think you know you're possibly being unfair and a bit jealous- though I wouldn't say unreasonable. Human, yes. :)

I actually think it's a good sign that he wants to do a sport once a week. It might help to motivate him- perhaps he needs the lift. And getting away for a bit and smashing a ball about sounds a great way to de-stress.

Could it be that he is feeling rather 'adrift' if he's given up his house, is in a new area and knows that his partner has managed to get going that much more quickly than he has? On the other hand, maybe he sees the profit from the house sale as 'his' - so feels that he deserves a bit of a break, and that he can help the kids settle into the new environment while he does.

Oh, and congrats on the job. All the more of an achievement these days!

What's your objection exactly?

YABU - presumably 3 year old goes to nursery anyway

Though he needs to sort out his arse and look for some work

And that the two of you need to work out your gameplan

One morning a week? I think YABU to feel cross about that. Several mornings would be different.

YABU, but you know it. A morning's exercise and the company of a friend will put him in a much better frame of mind for job hunting.

Actually I think it depends on whether you can afford it.

When I was SAHM, we barely scraped by. Time to myself happened on a weekend if my DH would take DD. I wouldn't have put her in nursery just to get that time, because I wasn't working and without the extra salary it would have been unfair - sending him to work so I could pay to put her into a creche to give me some 'me-time'. Now I do work, I take as much as possible (in terms of hours) on days when he's home so that he can have her and we still don't have to pay as much in nursery costs. And I balance that as best I can with ensuring we still get to spend time as a whole family.

But then we don't do well-paid jobs and even with two salaries barely get to the end of the month with enough left to buy groceries so money for any sort of leisure just isn't available, much less to have a child cared for when there's a parent available (ie not working) to do it.