My son only likes one identical twin, but I'm good friends with the twins' mum

[pingu2209]

I haven't been on here for ages, so be gentle!

My son is 6 and through him I have become friends with another mum of 7 year old identical twin boys. They are so identical that I seriously have no idea which one is which - even their mum can't tell them appart if they are asleep!

However, their personalities are very different. One boy (A) is really well liked by his peers and happens to be in my son's class. The other boy (B) is a 'difficult' character; far louder and in your face. He has that irritating high pitched scream if he doesn't get his way etc.

B is in a different class to my son but has no friends in his class and at every opportunity (breaks, lunch etc) he will go and play with A and A's class friends. Even though the school has split them up, they still are a pair at all opportunties.

Over the last few years I have always included both boys on any play dates or parties etc. However, my son is now becoming less indifferent and now more openly dislikable towards B. Whenever I invite them over (inc their mum who is lovely) my son shouts and stomps that he doesn't like B and only wants A to come (fortunately before they arive so they have no idea this happens). Clearly this is unacceptable behaviour and he is told in no uncertain terms that he is being rude and unkind.

Another mum, a mutual friend of mine and the twins' mum, has secretly admitted that her daughter has the exact same feelings and when it was her daughter's birthday just in October neither twin was invited because her daughter couldn't abide B.

At the time of the girl's birthday, the twins' mum confided in me that she was really hurt that A and B weren't invited as the mum's had been friends for over 15 years! but assumed it was because they were boys and it was a girly party.

I haven't told either mum each other's views!

It is my son's 7th birthday in the next 2 months and he is adamant that he only wants A to come. If it were a mass party where the whole class is invited I would just tell him that he has no choice. However, his birthday party is very limited in numbers. He can only invite 4 people to his party (as the numbers are strictly limited to 5 - with him). He says it is unfair that half his guests are chosen by me. He only wants A plus an additional 3 boys from his class.

We are travelling to a theme park and have a 7 seater - so 5 children and 2 adults. I seriously can't invite any more than 4. As it is my other children will be staying with friends for the day. Also the cost of each ticket is £40 / child!

Ahhhhhhh what should I do? I seriously think I have to say no to both and say it was limited numbers. However, my friend will be really hurt and understandably pretty bloody angry too as she regularly has all my children over (varying ages) even though her son's are only the same age as one of mine.

The final 2 posts I think have hit the nail on the head. My son, the one who is having the birthday, is socially difficult too. His older brother is far more caring and friendly and generally enthusiastic, so he gets a lot more attention. I think that I need to approach this from a different angle and say to my (difficult) son that this is a life lesson. You don't have to treat A and B twin as one person as they are very clearly different. However, you have to treat people with respect and be gentle with people's feelings, which to be frank my son can be like a sledge hammer, which does not win friends and influence people.

Thanks for your support.

A & B are seperate people though and won't be going to the same events in their 20s and I think the sooner they start appreciating they are brothers with different friends the better. If 1 twin is more popular then this may be something to discuss with the mum for mum to look at developing the less popular twin's interests. I don't think how popular age 6 counts for much in life though. Alot of successful people have introverted personalities that makes them less popular at a young age.
I agree the friendship with the mum is the key issue here and that is what is making you want to invite both boys. As your children get older though you will have to accept that their friendships shouldn't be controlled by your friendships and you may find your kids end up not being friends with either boy and you have to continue your friendship with the woman even though your kids aren't friends.
I do think children should be able to decide who to invite to their birthday parties if they just invite a few folk.

By that age DCs make their own friends and it isn't conveniently the DCs of your friends. I think that if they are only having a few friends they should choose. There is limited room and it seems unfair to remove a real friend, just to have one because he is related to another friend.

You are obviously very worried about upsetting your friend here, which is understandable, and there's nothing actually wrong with making your child invite someone to their birthday party that they don't particularly want there.

If you invite both twins, does one of the friends that your ds wants there have to be excluded? If so, I think that would Beverly unfair on him. If not, ignore my next comments!

You can't teach a child to be respectful and gentle with other peoples feelings if you aren't treating them with respect and being gentle with their feelings. If its his birthday party, he should get to decide who he invites IMO. It's different if your re having a whole class party and you insist he invites a child so as not to leave one or two out, because that is about being kind to someone else's feelings in a way that won't make any difference to their enjoyment of their own party. But when you can only invite 4 people and you are forced to invite one person you don't like in place of a person you really do like, youre understandably going to feel that that is very unfair, and that your feelings don't matter and haven't been respected. Which isn't going to encourage you to think about others feelings with respect.

I'm a mother of identical twin boys. They're only 20 months now but I see them as two completely different people and would like them to have separate friends, only invite one.

I think it's a bit ridiculous that the other twin should get a token invite TBH!

I'd say lots of mothers of twins secretly hate when both get invited to places/events. I know I hate it when people treat my twins as a unit , ie. 'do THEY sleep the night', do 'THEY' like fruit', etc etc, as if 'they' was a two headed beast

Good luck, let us know how you get on :)

Or what you could do also is to ask your friend in a general way if she'd like them for form separate friendships?

I know I'd like to be asked that about my Dtwins

oops, 'to form separate...'

I totally get that this situation isn't as straightforward as whether to invite one twin or both since you and the mum are close friends and always meet up including all your children.

If this wasn't the case I'd definitely be for inviting just the one.

If you were having a party where the numbers were not restricted I'd say invite both.

However numbers are restricted, and restricted so tightly in this case that your own son is not even bringing his siblings. How then is it not totally reasonable to explain to this mum why twin b is not invited, it just isn't the same situation as normal because your other children aren't even going!

I'd explain to the mum about the restricted numbers and that your son has chosen only children from his class but that you would love to have them all over as a family some time soon - maybe even suggest a date for that.

If she suggests that she brings and pays for twin b then perhaps that is a compromise. Personally I'd be wording the invite to her such that it wasn't going to be an option since I don't think its reasonable for your soon to have a child to his birthday that he dislikes just because of your friendship. But obviously that is your call.