Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

My son only likes one identical twin, but I'm good friends with the twins' mum

58 replies

pingu2209 · 16/03/2012 22:05

I haven't been on here for ages, so be gentle!

My son is 6 and through him I have become friends with another mum of 7 year old identical twin boys. They are so identical that I seriously have no idea which one is which - even their mum can't tell them appart if they are asleep!

However, their personalities are very different. One boy (A) is really well liked by his peers and happens to be in my son's class. The other boy (B) is a 'difficult' character; far louder and in your face. He has that irritating high pitched scream if he doesn't get his way etc.

B is in a different class to my son but has no friends in his class and at every opportunity (breaks, lunch etc) he will go and play with A and A's class friends. Even though the school has split them up, they still are a pair at all opportunties.

Over the last few years I have always included both boys on any play dates or parties etc. However, my son is now becoming less indifferent and now more openly dislikable towards B. Whenever I invite them over (inc their mum who is lovely) my son shouts and stomps that he doesn't like B and only wants A to come (fortunately before they arive so they have no idea this happens). Clearly this is unacceptable behaviour and he is told in no uncertain terms that he is being rude and unkind.

Another mum, a mutual friend of mine and the twins' mum, has secretly admitted that her daughter has the exact same feelings and when it was her daughter's birthday just in October neither twin was invited because her daughter couldn't abide B.

At the time of the girl's birthday, the twins' mum confided in me that she was really hurt that A and B weren't invited as the mum's had been friends for over 15 years! but assumed it was because they were boys and it was a girly party.

I haven't told either mum each other's views!

It is my son's 7th birthday in the next 2 months and he is adamant that he only wants A to come. If it were a mass party where the whole class is invited I would just tell him that he has no choice. However, his birthday party is very limited in numbers. He can only invite 4 people to his party (as the numbers are strictly limited to 5 - with him). He says it is unfair that half his guests are chosen by me. He only wants A plus an additional 3 boys from his class.

We are travelling to a theme park and have a 7 seater - so 5 children and 2 adults. I seriously can't invite any more than 4. As it is my other children will be staying with friends for the day. Also the cost of each ticket is £40 / child!

Ahhhhhhh what should I do? I seriously think I have to say no to both and say it was limited numbers. However, my friend will be really hurt and understandably pretty bloody angry too as she regularly has all my children over (varying ages) even though her son's are only the same age as one of mine.

OP posts:

quirrelquarrel · 16/03/2012 22:08

Looks like B will have to learn that he's a separate person with separate friends. It won't kill the kid. Why should your DS and his friend have to miss out so B doesn't sense any change happening?

Beamur · 16/03/2012 22:10

Mmm, maybe some parents of twins will come along and answer this, but I'm inclined to think that you should be able to be friends with one twin and not the other - so, you could invite one to a small party without his sibling. (Regardless of the general personality of twin A or B)
My DD is at school with a couple of sets of twins and one girl/girl set, she likes one but not the other.
I think the fact that you have reciprocal child care and are friends with their Mum must make this much harder though.

verytellytubby · 16/03/2012 22:10

As a mum of identical twin boys just invite one.

auntmargaret · 16/03/2012 22:12

Woah, there.. I wouldn't touch that with a barge pole. Both or neither. Your son is old enough to understand.

TidyDancer · 16/03/2012 22:14

Is it plausible that your DS has closer friends than the twin he likes?

Tbh, unless you invite both twins, and I don't think that's necessarily the right thing to do in this case, you are going to kick up some questions. You are going to have to play the limited numbers card whether you invite one twin or no twin.

I'm usually inclined to say twins should be treated as individuals, but this situation is complicated by the fact that twin mum looks after your DCs and has already confided in you that she has been upset in the past about her twins not being invited.

Original poster

pingu2209 · 16/03/2012 22:15

To be frank, I would have no issues at all inviting just one twin, in fact both my other children are friends with one twin.

The greatest issue is that I am really good friend's with their mum. By only inviting A I am having to admit that my son prefers A to B, which opens up a whole other can of worms.

The twins' mum has spoken to me at length how sad she feels for B as she can also see that A is far more liked than B. I can kind of understand this as my younger son is not as liked as my elder son - just his serious personality etc. However, it is a different situation with identical twins.

OP posts:

workshy · 16/03/2012 22:15

I'm a twin -invite 1

may be a harsh lesson for mum too but limited numbers so explain it to her, they will soon get over it -especially if they are in different classes they can't be expected to both be invited to do everything

Scholes34 · 16/03/2012 22:16

My experience with twins is that the parents have always been more than happy for just one to be invited. How do the twins get on with each other? Are they keen to be in each other's company?

YABU to pay £40 per child, when you could probably do it on Tesco vouchers!!

QuintessentialyHollow · 16/03/2012 22:18

I think it is fine to invite just one.

You can play the numbers card, and also that your son wanted only boys from his class there.

callmemrs · 16/03/2012 23:12

Just invite the one your Son wants.
The twins are separate people with different personalities. Their mother knows that and should accept it

Dee03 · 16/03/2012 23:15

Invite just one....his friend.

aquashiv · 16/03/2012 23:18

As a mother of identical twins they are different and its fine for them to have different friends invite the one you like and thats that.

missingmumxox · 16/03/2012 23:19

I have twins and since school they have never been invited to the same party as they are in different classes, they are individuals and it does hurt Mum that one is more popular than the other, but I can imagine it is no worse than for a parent of singletons.
they are individuals and should be treated as such.

AsCorruptAsWhisky · 16/03/2012 23:21

The spaces are limited. B would be one of the next on the invitee list but unfortunately you can't take more than four friends. It is completely unfair to exclude one twin - and I say that as the mother of twins who have been excluded from parties on the basis that the child doesn't like the other and, like in this situation, it is usually twin A excluded because of twin B. It causes resentment between twins for one to be left out.

NowWeKnow · 16/03/2012 23:40

Your ds has got to the age where he's choosing his own friends, so just invite A.

I do think the mum should be smoothing the way here both with other parents and her twins by promoting the fact that they need to be seen as individuals. If it doesn't happen sooner with you it'll happen later with someone else's party.

I have twins and have always been very clear that they don't necessarily have to go to the same things. They've always known that and don't bat an eye over it. If that were the case whole families of siblings would have to go everywhere en masse.

Being twins is a special bond between the twins themselves and doesn't really affect anyone else. They are siblings, the twin aspect doesn't require special consideration wrt party invites.

cece · 16/03/2012 23:44

My eldest two children have both made good friends with one twin each (not siblings, but separate sets of twins). So have experience of this.

In this situation, then I think it is perfectly OK to just invite one - just explain the numbers thing to their mum.

Cherriesarelovely · 16/03/2012 23:45

Agree with most on the thread. One of my friends has twins and for a good while she was livid if only one twin was invited and the other wasn't. However, at around aged 6 this started to change as her DCs naturally made different friends and it then became a natural thing that they would be invited to different events. YANBU to want to invited only one twin but bearing in mind what you know about the mum it might not go down well, doesn't mean that it is wrong though.

minimisschief · 17/03/2012 00:15

what does them being twins have to do with anything? when i had friends round my house as a child i didnt invite their siblings. i wasn't friends with them. Nothing to do with being rude either.

DumSpiroSpero · 17/03/2012 00:22

It's your son's birthday and at that age I think you should let him have some say. I would have a quiet, tactful word with the twin's mum prior to the invitation going out so she can be a bit discreet if necessary but I wouldn;t have any qualms about it.

I had a similar (but not quite as tricky) situation when my DD wanted to ask one half of a pair of best friends from her class to her birthday last year. The girls had been close since babies and their mum's were good friends, so it was awkward but DD was adamant that inviting the girl in question would ruin her special day. As she knew her better than I did I went along with it.

whackamole · 17/03/2012 02:44

I have ID twins boys too - I say invite the one your son is friends with. It is sad for the little boy that doesn't have any friends, but it's not up to you include him in everything just because he is a twin. At some point his mum will have to explain to both of them that they may not always be treated as a package deal!

missingmumxox · 17/03/2012 02:53

whackamole where is the like button? i like my Twins are so different and one is popular, the other is not but they are who they are, I get upset for Dt1 but he his who he is, and has friends,

hanaka88 · 17/03/2012 06:00

Could you talk to the mum. I dont mean say 'DS doesn't like B at all' but could you say 'because they're in the same class, DS is closer to A and has other friends closer than B, he has 3 other friends he really wants to come so there would only be room for A. Would it be an issue if A comes without B or should I just tell DS if both can't come neither can?'

Leave it up to the mum without insulting her DC

ilikecandyandrunning · 17/03/2012 06:55

What hanaka88 said. It is such a small party and not even your other children are going so just say to the mum that your boy has chosen his four closest friends and is that ok by her.

skybluepearl · 17/03/2012 07:11

Invite only A. The mums of twins I know would like to time with a single child alone as it rarely happens.

Could you invite B round on his own another time? I wonder if he might behave differently without his twin around?

skybluepearl · 17/03/2012 07:13

Tell the Mum your son choose 5 close friends - also tell her who he has chosen. I imagine she can do something really nice with B on the day

Flip

1 2 3