My son only likes one identical twin, but I'm good friends with the twins' mum

[pingu2209]

I haven't been on here for ages, so be gentle!

My son is 6 and through him I have become friends with another mum of 7 year old identical twin boys. They are so identical that I seriously have no idea which one is which - even their mum can't tell them appart if they are asleep!

However, their personalities are very different. One boy (A) is really well liked by his peers and happens to be in my son's class. The other boy (B) is a 'difficult' character; far louder and in your face. He has that irritating high pitched scream if he doesn't get his way etc.

B is in a different class to my son but has no friends in his class and at every opportunity (breaks, lunch etc) he will go and play with A and A's class friends. Even though the school has split them up, they still are a pair at all opportunties.

Over the last few years I have always included both boys on any play dates or parties etc. However, my son is now becoming less indifferent and now more openly dislikable towards B. Whenever I invite them over (inc their mum who is lovely) my son shouts and stomps that he doesn't like B and only wants A to come (fortunately before they arive so they have no idea this happens). Clearly this is unacceptable behaviour and he is told in no uncertain terms that he is being rude and unkind.

Another mum, a mutual friend of mine and the twins' mum, has secretly admitted that her daughter has the exact same feelings and when it was her daughter's birthday just in October neither twin was invited because her daughter couldn't abide B.

At the time of the girl's birthday, the twins' mum confided in me that she was really hurt that A and B weren't invited as the mum's had been friends for over 15 years! but assumed it was because they were boys and it was a girly party.

I haven't told either mum each other's views!

It is my son's 7th birthday in the next 2 months and he is adamant that he only wants A to come. If it were a mass party where the whole class is invited I would just tell him that he has no choice. However, his birthday party is very limited in numbers. He can only invite 4 people to his party (as the numbers are strictly limited to 5 - with him). He says it is unfair that half his guests are chosen by me. He only wants A plus an additional 3 boys from his class.

We are travelling to a theme park and have a 7 seater - so 5 children and 2 adults. I seriously can't invite any more than 4. As it is my other children will be staying with friends for the day. Also the cost of each ticket is £40 / child!

Ahhhhhhh what should I do? I seriously think I have to say no to both and say it was limited numbers. However, my friend will be really hurt and understandably pretty bloody angry too as she regularly has all my children over (varying ages) even though her son's are only the same age as one of mine.

Difficult with them both being boys. I am expecting to get this more later as ours get older but at least having boy/girl it will be easier to split interests and friends. We take the view that they are two children who happen to share a birthday and wouldn't be offended if only one was invited to a party and would take the opportunity to do something else with the other one.

Another vote for inviting A only! The twins are separate people and wont get invited o everything as a pair. There needs to be a degree of them leading their own lives.

Maybe I'm a little harsh but life isn't always fair and sooner or later B is going to find he cannot do everything A does so a gentle introduction to life will do him some good.
I do wonder at some twin mums who seem to facilitate this although it is probably easier for me to say as our pair aren't same sex, let alone identical.

I don't see the problem at all. Invite the twin he likes. They are not the same person and they don't have to be treated the same.
If I was the mother of identical twins I would be pleased-the one thing that I would hate is people feeling obliged to treat them the same and I would actively encourage different friends.
They need to lead their own lives-I can't see that it is good for them to be a special case. They are two siblings who happen to share the same birthday-I can't see why this means they share the same friends!
There is no need to explain, other than numbers were limited.

Life isn't fair-letting DCs think it is doesn't do them any favours.

They are twins - not one person. So if you want to inite A then thats all well and good because eventually they will develop their own interests.

FWIW my son is friend s with faternal twins who are treated as siblings of the same age, not one being. So much so they made individual secondary school choices. I've never come across that before.

I have twins, although b/g, and have always been more than happy for them to be invited separately and they handle it well. But there is a complicating factor here that one of the twins is more popular then the other and I can see the twins' mum feeling more sensitive about that and having to deal with the fallout. Although that isn't your problem, of course, but as her friend it's lovely you're putting this thought into it.

For me I think hanaka's approach would be the best solution, emphasising that your son's siblings aren't going either - if I understood that right.

Someone mentioned what twin B would be like on his own. I know my two behave very differently on their own - when they're competing for attention the one who thinks they're getting less attention behaviour declines dramatically. I guess if your DS is at the stage he really isn't fussed about this boy then having him over on his own isn't an option but maybe it's something his mum might explore?

I think it would cause more resentment between the twins if Twin A were to realize further down the line that he was excluded because of the behavior and personality of his brother. And likewise that twin B discovers that he is not included on his own merit, but on his brother.

Mum would be wise to encourage them both to have separate friendships, rather than let twin B ride on the polarity of A. Wont do Bs' confidence any good.

If she lets the kids do things separately then maybe B will start to make his own friends.
I would invite A, and if she has a problem she can reject on his behalf, but you don't have any more room in the car, so that is sorted.

That is however mum's problem-and no OP's problem!

They don't have to come as a package. It is perfectly ok for them to have separate friends and do separate things.

They aren't going to share a wife, I hope

Your son has the right to decide his own friends and not to have someone he doesn't like forced upon him, because you happen to be friends with their mother.

I think you owe it to your son to accept that he has the right to choose his own friends and you owe it to your friend to, nicely, tell her what's going on. You aren't helping her by trying to hide this from her. If she doesn't know there's a problem - how can she even decide whether it's something she wants to address or not?

just because they are twins doesnt mean they are joined at the hip

would you invite other friends siblings?? no - so why feel the need to invite other twin

the school has probably spilt them up on purpose to allow each to become individual people

I think you need to chat to the Mum and be honest, tell her exactly the problem you find yourself with. Ask her if she would prefer you to just invite one of them or neither of them, and then respect her wish.

She woudo be free to decline the invite for just one of them anyway if you did that, so this way you are giving her a choice. It might also help the other twin to see why he should behave more nicely.

Blondes - there is far more of a bond between many twins than singleton siblings. It can be more so with identicals too, especially if the parents enable the "one unit" approach.
I wouldn't be upset with just one of ours being invited nor would I be upset at Outraged's suggestion above either.

My id twins (girls) are in separate classes and have different sets of friends, but also play with each other's friends. Most of their friends will invite them both to parties and playdates, but there have been occasions where only one of them has been invited and that is absolutely fine.

It's part of the point of having them in separate classes in the first place - for them to develop their own identities and friendships so that they are seen and treated as individual people rather than as an inseparable unit...not that this is necessarily what your friend is doing. Perhaps she could do something special with B while A is at your DS's birthday party? (Although it occurs to me that she may suggest that she brings B independently so that he can come along as well...which would raise a whole different set of issues! Will have to have another think as to how to deal with that one!)

I'd not thought of that last point, tkband, as it's not something I would consider either. Tricky one!

I look after twins and they have many friends who are definitely friends with one or the other of the girls ,who are five .I would not be offended at all if only one was invited to this party they are individuals and completely different ,one very pink and drawing and dolls and one who I think is actually a boy in disguise.We have several sets of twins to play and I have often invited just one on their own and never had a parent insist on both coming.

I'd invite the close friend only. If mum is mortified that other boy isn't invited, she can either speak to you (and possibly work a solution if she brought them and paid for twin B), or she could refuse the invitation for the one twin... I have been known to refuse a birthday party on the grounds we couldn't make it work as a family (DH was away, no siblings to party and was asked to stay with child).

I'd speak to the mother and explain that numbers are limited and that your son would really like A to come but has other friends who are more important to him than B. See what she says. Some parents of twins will understand that and some won't (like the father of 11 year old twins who pulled his boys out of judo when one was graded higher than the other!), I know my brother, who has twin boys of this age would be perfectly cool with this. His boys are fine with it. No problems anywhere. Just explain t her first, if she has a major problem with it then just apologise and invite neither, if she's ok with it then she has the chance to speak to the boys and explain to B in her own way.

I would speak to the mum and explain that numbers are limited - even your own DC aren't going so I'd hope she wouldn't feel hurt.

Well I think if my son had only ever been friends with A then it wouldn't be a problem. The thing is we have always invited them as a pair, to every event over the past 3 years, be it play dates, summer bbqs, easter egg hunts, birthday parties, basically everything.

My son has slowly gone off twin B because of his difficult personality. It happened over the past 6-12 months but their mum has no idea how my son feels about B.

It would be like inviting siblings to every social event and then suddenly only inviting one, but the one you invite is the different age to your child and different class.

The twins' mum is one of my best friends. When she invites me over, it isn't just me and my son; it is me, my 2 sons and daughter.

She is very sensitive about B as she knows he isn't settling in a separate class looks for every opportunity to be with A. Sadly, A does not want to be in the same class as B. Their mum has mentioned to me that A is invited on playdates and birthdays with children in his class, but B has never had an invite.

Children - siblings are different though - if you have two children, one of them may always get more invitations out. Now when you have one boy and one girl, you can say it's because she is sociable and he's shy; or if they are both boys then it's because X is older and Y is younger - but if you have two boys and they are the same age, well in that case it gets a little uncomfortable because you have to face it that there is a reason and it might mean that other people do not think your precious child is as wonderful as you know he is

I think if you are so close with the mother, you say face to face that your DS has invited 2 friends from his class and wants to invite A only from his class in the last place in the car, that his siblings let alone his friend's siblings are not going to go, and is that going to be a problem.

I have non identical twin boys(8) and my sister has identical twin boys(4),I also have a dd(7).

One of my twins is very sociable and has always been invited to a lot more things(although recently since his twin has become more confident this is changing).I've always told parents to treat them as individuals which I prefer and obviously with a dd too some weekends I'll have 2 at a party,1 at a party or all 3 at separate parties.

Due to this I'd be inclined to say only invite the one but you saying previously you've always done things altogether makes me think otherwise.I don't think you can just dump one. How do you explain that to a child? Soooo wouldn't want to be the mother trying to explain that to her sobbing child.

Lets face it you'll be happy to do things all together in the holidays. Not sure many 7 year olds could understand that he's good enough for a day out but not a party with tight numbers(which lets face it is the real issue here).

Being a twin can be shit at times,this is one of those occasions. Personally I think your son just needs to learn other peoples feelings count more than what he wants at times.I recently made dd invite a little girl who adores her to her party although the feelings aren't quite mutual as I knew how upset said child would feel being left out.Dd was miffed but understood after I explained and I think she learnt a lot.

Boils down to one simple question is your friendship with their mum worth midly annoying your DS?

I don't have many adult friends so my DDs put up and shut up about playing with children they are perfectly capable of getting on with if they try.

I'm a mean Mummy and DD1 needs to practise her social skills. DD2's are very good, she's just awkward.