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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is bloody rude!

58 replies

vanillacremebrulee · 15/03/2012 19:17

So DS1 is 10 years old, DS2 is 8 years and DS3 is 6 weeks old and very colicky and shouty bless his heart! No need to say that I'm sleep deprived and stressed and hardly managing to survive at the moment.
Well, two weeks ago the mother of a friend of DS2 invited him to play at her house because her DD is good friends with him and because that would "relieve" me of one child for an afternoon.
Tonight, after a VERY difficult afternoon of inexplicable crying and lots of other things going on, said mother of DS's friend rings me and has the cheek to say this:
"Have you had a chance to think when (DD's name) could come to yours to play with (DS2's name)"
I was like "Hmmm...not sure things are a bit hectic..." and then she goes "How about the 31st March, would that be alright for you?"....
Honestly I don't know why but I find it incredibly rude that she would push me for a date to have her daughter to come and play at ours even though I'm sure I must have said that next time it's our turn! Maybe it's because I'm having a hard day but the whole thing really really pisses me off!

OP posts:
LitterPicker · 15/03/2012 19:19

YANBU at all - that is very rude of her.

However try not to say things like "next time it's our turn" as some people do take it literally.

IAmBooyhoo · 15/03/2012 19:21

i do think it's a bit rude if only for the fact she knows you have a 6 week old baby. tbh if another school mum said to me "it's my turn next time" but she had a baby that age i would assume she was being polite and no way would i ring her to set a date, i would leave it entirely up to her. 6 weeks is a mad age even if you only have one child but you have 3!!.

pictish · 15/03/2012 19:24

Children often nag at me their mum to make a date.
I don't think she was out of line particularly, seeing as you did pretty much offer to have her dd round next time. Her dd probably heard that and wanted to know WHEN MUM, WHEN...WHEN WHEN WHHHEEENNNNN?????

Kwim?

I can tell you're knackered and it's a massive pain in the arse for you right now (I get that), but I'm not sure the other mum was being rude really. Sorry.

JambalayaCodfishPie · 15/03/2012 19:24

She has big plans for the 31st and her childcare fell through?

LitterPicker · 15/03/2012 19:24

Sorry that sounded really condescending about the next time thing - didn't mean it to. Like booyhoo said, if someone said that to me with a 6wk old I'd know they were just being polite and there is no way I'd RING UP and ask for a date!! Everyone is different but yes highly rude on her part.

busyboysmum · 15/03/2012 19:24

I think it is really inconsiderate.

I am in a similar position to you and for the first three months (ds3 now 17 weeks) all the school mums were so helpful having my kids round and picking up for me and all sorts.

I am now through the fog in a position to start having friends round and returning the favours.

headfairy · 15/03/2012 19:25

it is a bit rude, but perhaps she was thinking if her dd was round to pay with your ds2 they would occupy themselves and give you a bit of space. When our neighbours dd comes round I know I don't see ds for ages as they go off and play on their own (and they're much younger at 3 and 4 respectively)

diabolo · 15/03/2012 19:26

She clearly needs someone to look after her DC on 31st March and you are her preferred choice.

Some people have no tact or thought for others.

Sorry

Vickles · 15/03/2012 19:26

She does sound a little pushy, but not very pushy. Maybe she has her daughter going on and on and on and on and on about when she can come to your house. Some parents get fed up of people not reciprocating when it comes to playdates.. but, with your little baby only being 6 weeks!!!

I would personally happily have my friends kids over again and again to help a friend out who had a newborn.. but, that's just me. I've got 3 kids and 1 more makes little difference to us.

Does this friend have other kids? I've found friends of ours who have more than one child are more laid back about this...

I don't feel she was being rude to be honest. Just a bit pushy. I do feel she was insensitive to your situation, and should have given you more time to reciprocate. But, as I said, maybe she's fed up of her daughter going on and on about it.

Hope that helps. x

bobbledunk · 15/03/2012 19:30

God, extremely vocal, colicky 6 week olds are exhausting, can't imagine how much more so with two other children to mind, you must be wrecked.

This woman sounds deranged, she even had a date picked weeks in advanceConfused...sounds like somebody is fishing for free babysitting for an already planned event. Not only rude to do that to someone with a newborn but deranged. Don't invite her kid back until YOU are ready. If you want to permanently avoid the lunatic woman you would be perfectly reasonable to make that a neverSmile

IAmBooyhoo · 15/03/2012 19:31

my ds has done the "when mum when can i go to X's house? will you ring his mum and ask her?" and every single week time i tell him that we will wait to be asked properly and that it is rude to invite yourself on people. i also tell him that children who whinge dont get invited to other people's houses so he better quit that while he's ahead. so i dont think a nagging child is an excuse. sorry. she's an adult and a parent she doesn't have to fold to her child's demands.

Original poster
vanillacremebrulee · 15/03/2012 19:34

pictich I agree it's probably her daughter nagging her but I left it vague when I said next time it's my turn and it was only two weeks ago! All I'm saying is that I have never phoned another mum to say "when can you return the favour" let alone do that when there's a 6 week old baby in the house!

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 15/03/2012 19:35

YANBU i thought she was helping you because of the baby sounds like she has something on that day and needs a baby sitter , Phone her on the day or day before and cancel if you are not up to it , dont be forced into anything , I hope you baby settles soon ,

pictish · 15/03/2012 19:36

That's a bit strong Bobble - deranged and a lunatic?

Look - everyone is different, but having a newborn didn't put the halters on playdates for my older kids in my home now and then. I wasn't gagging to host them or anything, and kept them quite scant....but I wouldn't have found another mum suggesting a date for one, offensive in any way.
My son still enjoyed having his wee friends round to play, even if I didn't especially. His wants still needed to be considered....so I relented within reason.

lambethlil · 15/03/2012 19:39

Go for the 31st, then cancel in the afternoon with a baby-related crisis. That'd learn her.

pictish · 15/03/2012 19:40

Btw OP - if you really can't be arsed, then don't. I'm not saying you should - just that finding the woman rude is maybe just a leeeeetle bit on the cranky side?

You are knackered though, so crankiness is ok. Wink

petitema · 15/03/2012 19:40

YANBU in the circumstances, people do forget what its like very quickly.

However as mum to a child who doesn't get many playdates, i am going to start doing this.

Original poster
vanillacremebrulee · 24/03/2012 16:05

Just to give you an update, the woman pops in with her DD just now with a silly excuse. My now 7 week old was screaming as usual and guess what she has the cheek to say:
"are you still all right for next Saturday? It'd be 8.30 am I'm afraid because P (her partner) and I are both working".
AngryAngryAngry
Please tell me what I should do!!

OP posts:
Gigondas · 24/03/2012 16:09

Just say no. As often said on here it's a full sentence .

My dd2 9 weeks old and I am afraid I will still be cherry picking playdates etc over Easter holidays as whilst they are colicky and you are knackered it's not business as usual.

hathorinareddress · 24/03/2012 16:10

What did you say?

I would probably say "as you can see things here are a bit hectic, it'll have to be in a few weeks when we are a bit more settled"

Bet she's using you for free childcare that day, cheeky bint Angry

jubilee10 · 24/03/2012 16:13

No is a complete sentence.

LineRunner · 24/03/2012 16:13

Well that's crap. You would not be unreasonable to phone her and say that sorry but she caught you on the hop, you didn't quite know what to say, but having thought it through the reality is that you can have the DD round to play in the afternoon to reciprocate, but the rest is just too much.

jubilee10 · 24/03/2012 16:14

Ah, cross post.

YellowDinosaur · 24/03/2012 16:18

You say to her 'really sorry but with x so colicky at the moment and not sleeping I am absolutely shattered so I can't possibly plan to have your dd over at the moment. I'll get in touch when things settle down to return the favour'

Ffs I have been having ds1 friend over unreciprocated for months and months because his dad was ill with leukaemia and has now died because I wanted to help them all out. I have not been counting and expecting things to be paid back. Helping people out when things are a bit tough is just what you do.

I don't think there is anything wrong in asking for childcare favours as opposed to playdates but I wouldn't do this to someone with a newborn unless I was desperate and certainly wouldn't be funny about it if they declined.

Just tell her no

Original poster
vanillacremebrulee · 24/03/2012 16:18

Yes free childcare is what she implied when she said they're both working and need to leave early and therefore she needs to drop her off at 8.30 in the morning!
I was fuming Angry but managed to stay quite calm and say I had to get back to her on that one because it was very early!

OP posts: