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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

INFERTILE, don't want treatment

73 replies

notsurehowtofeel · 15/03/2012 12:59

It's taken me awhile to decide where to post this and I've namechanged. I think I'll get the most response here and quite frankly I don't care if every single one of you think's I'm a bitch!

We've known since we got together we may struggle to have kids but waited until after we were married before seeking treatment. DS already has a DD, but has a low sperm count or are they lazy, mind gone blank. I have no kids.

I've always wanted them, DH wasn't bothered when we go together in kids or marriage but they were a deal breaker for me. Obviously we are now married and he is now more interested in having kids than me.

He still has problems and so it turns out do I. Our next step is to be reffered to the clinic, I will be most likely put onto drugs to stimulate my eggs.

However, I don't want to do it, if I can't have them naturally I don't want to get into an am I aren't I scenario every month and be crushed each time I get my period. IF I don't have treatment I can start to accept it now that we will not have kids (miracles not withstanding)

My DH has said whatever makes me happy makes him happy but I feel like i'm letting him down by not at least going for an appointment together.

Am I being an unreasonable cow?

thanks

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 15/03/2012 13:03

Of course not

It sounds like the ideal situation to me WRT your DH wanting whatever makes you happy.

Anyway, I think most people know of at least one 'miracle' story in cases like this so you never know.

Kids aren't the be all and end all of life anyway, especially if you're not too fussed either way.

HalfPastWine · 15/03/2012 13:03

I think in the future you will regret not trying.

Give it a chance but also a time limit so like you say, if it's not successful you can move on. But, at least you know you tried.

ripsishere · 15/03/2012 13:05

Not in the slightest. You know your own mind.
OTOH, I would go for the consultation. You may find out that the proposed treatment has a reasonable success rate.
Up to you.

Bellstar · 15/03/2012 13:07

YANBU-its your choice and if your dh is happy too then what is the problem exactly? Personally I could not imagine life without kids and if I had been unable to have them I would have pursued every other avenue.

I have a friend who feels similiar with regards to ivf-cant afford it but also doesnt want to get on the merry-go-round of thinking one more try-she is adopting instead.

KadyPip · 15/03/2012 13:08

You're not a cow, of course not. It's your body and you do get to choose.

However, speaking from personal experience while fertility treatment is hard it's not unbearable and for us it was worth it in the end.

You do have to go into it bearing in mind that it might not work and my DH and I had done some thinking about the kind of life we'd live if children didn't come along (thete are some websites relating to this.)

My advice would be to talk this over thoroughly with your DH, find out how he feels. Good luck.

lesley33 · 15/03/2012 13:09

No of course YANBU. Just because some people choose to go through infertility treatment, doesn't mean that you should.

you have to make the choices in life that you think are best for you and your DH. And your DH has made it clear that he is happy with whatever you want.

CMOTDibbler · 15/03/2012 13:10

Of course yanbu - I know people who have never done investigations, some who tried clomid, some who decided on limited no of ivf cycles, and some who were up for trying anything. Their bodies, their relationships, their business - not mine.

Original poster
notsurehowtofeel · 15/03/2012 13:11

So you don't think I'm being a selfish bitch for basically co-oercing my lovely lovely DH into marriage by promising him another child then going back on my word?

I'm having a proper down on myself aren't I? I only found out today and I suppose I'm more than a little confused.

It has however always been my conviction that you shouldn't mess with nature, if you can't have kids then there is a reason for it and by going for treatment I'm going against things i've always beleived in??

OP posts:
chocolatchaud · 15/03/2012 13:14

YANBU. It's entirely up to you, especially if you have the backing of your DH.

Perhaps though, out of curiosity, you could go to the appointment? There may be methods that you haven't considered before.

On the other hand, if you are happy as you are, it may be best to stick with your gut reaction. Once you start down the road of fertility treatment, it may become all-consuming.

Original poster
notsurehowtofeel · 15/03/2012 13:17

Sorry, I should have thanks to you all Thanks

Bellstar - I always wanted kids and thought I'd be devastated if I couldn't. I come from a big family and wanted the same.

Know I now that is probably the case I'm not as devasted as I thought I would be. However having said that I do have children in my life, i'm close to all my brothers children - I am the 'best auntie ever'

I just feel bad for thinking solely about me and not even considering how DH must feel. We've had a quick chat and will be discussing fully this evening. I'm at work (clearly not doing any) and just had to unload on someone, so thanks again.

OP posts:
barbigirl · 15/03/2012 13:18

YANBU but I would say that fertility treatment gets a bad - or at least fairly inaccurate- press. It can be a very very crushing process but equally there are people who take it more in their stride.

I can completely see your thinking here and I guess it depends on how severe your diagnosis is. But it maybe that your problems are more routine and could be dealt with fairly simply?

porcamiseria · 15/03/2012 13:19

oh sweetheart, if anyone calls you a bitch I will twat them!

my mate is the same, lets face it IVF can be fucking gruelling, heart in mouth STRESS.

I think you need to think whats best for you, and for your family here

I respect any decision people make here

But do make sure you are 100% OK, as its a big un

only4tonight · 15/03/2012 13:20

No you can never promise to have kids. The promise you made is that you wanted them and you would try. You tried and it hasn't happened. There are no broken promises there.

However, I am sure you aware posting that you think it is wrong to mess with nature is insensitive and uncalled for. You don't want to have treatment, fair enough. Don't judge others that do.

eppa · 15/03/2012 13:24

I totally understand where you are coming from and think YANBU. When we were having problems ttc I really didn't want to go down the medical route (although in the end I didn't need to).
What I would say however is it probably can't hurt to go for an initial appointment. You wouldn't have to commit to anything and it would give you a chance to ask questions and find out a bit more about the process so you could then take a fully informed decision about how you want to move forward.
I'm not sure what the fertility problems are but have you considered any alternative treatments such as accupuncture etc? I know its not everyones cup of tea but it did work for me. Good luck with whatever you decide.

WkdSM · 15/03/2012 13:26

My DH had 2 sons when we married. We both thought we would want one of our own, but in 10 years of trying (ie not using any contraception, a period of temperature checking etc) I have not 'fallen' - DH had gone through a revered vasectomy and was 'viable' whatever that means. I was ovulating perfectly!
We sat down and talked about it lots of times - but had seen some friends go through IVF (one 5 times) and we decided that we did not want this to become the centre of our lives. I don't react very well to even over the counter drugs so we decided to let nature take it's course.

have I missed out - maybe, but I have done things I would not have done if I had a child. remember it is only a few years ago that these fertility treatments were not available and there were couples who did not have children. They lived fulfilled and fulfilling lives so there is no reason why you can't.

Original poster
notsurehowtofeel · 15/03/2012 13:27

Only4tonight - messing with nature is wrong for me, I have not judged anyone that goes for that option. I am not other people and I don't think posting that that is my beleif is either insensitve or uncalled for. I'm talking about myself here not anyone else.

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 15/03/2012 13:27

YANBU at all. I agree with lots of others here that it's worth going to the appointment though. Fertility treatment isn't an all or nothing decision. You can make your decision when you know all the options, and you can get off that train at any time - you are in total control of the whole process.

Personally, I did find the whole process very stressful - but then I'm that kind of person. It was also a shock to us that there were issues, which isn't the case for you, so we had a gradual horrible realisation, followed by a crappy diagnosis and then a period of (what I can only describe as) shock and mourning. You have had your eyes open from the start and will can avoid that.

Anyway, you are definitely not a bitch, and not unreasonable. If you were fertile and preaching to us all that you would never have treatment, well that would be a different story!

WorraLiberty · 15/03/2012 13:28

She isn't judging anyone

She's explaining what she believed/believes.

architeuthis · 15/03/2012 13:33

"messing with nature is wrong for me"

so you don't accept any medical care at all? No antibiotics? Painkillers? Surgery? Cast for a broken leg? Not vaccinated? Wouldn't accept chemotherapy? How about treatment for a stroke or heart attack? Never used non barrier contraceptives?

YANBU to decline treatment for infertility for whatever reason but I find this, "messing with nature is wrong for me" to be an utterly ridiculous statement.

DilysPrice · 15/03/2012 13:34

I would just point out that the lap and dye test that they'd probably carry out as an "investigation" does have a good track record of kick starting some women with unexplained fertility problems ( worked for me amongst others) and we were also offered other options which didn't involve full-on fertility intervention/drugs/embryo implantation etc.

If you really don't want to do it then that's absolutely your choice, and a desire to avoid full IVF is certainly understandable, but there may be other less invasive options which you could consider.

WorraLiberty · 15/03/2012 13:37

Dilys is right

It took me 6yrs to conceive my 2nd child and when they did a lap and dye, they found a small cyst and removed it there and then.

I was pregnant 2 months later.

elinorbellowed · 15/03/2012 13:38

YANBU. I think there is so much to be said for being a great aunty, and stepmum. And right now, it seems your belief about nature is coinciding with your instinct. Perhaps you might want to adopt? So many children need adoption. I decided that if I was infertile I wouldn't have treatment, but try to adopt.
However, (very big however) I was fortunate not to be in that position and therefore don't know if that really would have been my reaction.

EssexGurl · 15/03/2012 13:40

YANBU! I have to say, I had thought this all through before ttc. Neither me nor DH had any known problems, but I had already made up my mine that either it happened, or it didn't. I knew that I wouldn't be able to go through the stress that infertility treatment can cause and would not want to pay thousands to do so, getting us into debt, for something that might not happen. Also a friend had recently died from breast cancer which, according to her doctor, was more than likely triggered by her IVF treament. Know there is no proven link there but she asked the oncologist if that was a possible cause and he said that he felt it was more than likely.

Of course, I got pregnant first month of trying, so never a "real" dilemma. But I knew that I didn't want to go down that route and DH was happy either way.

You have to do what is right for you and your family. Go with your heart.

aldiwhore · 15/03/2012 13:40

I don't think you're a bitch at all. I think you're probably actually pretty sensible.

My sister is adopting, she chose not to put herself through treatment, for her it wouldn't have been the healthiest option. I'm going to be an aunty later this year, she's going to be a mum, for all us involved the fact that our new addition to the family is residing in my sister's belly at present is neither here nor there.

My DC's godmother chose not to persue treatment, she also decided not to persue any other way. Her and her DH actually became much happier and settled once they'd made that choice, and they are discovering there is a whole world out there for childless people to live, and that children are not the only way to finding meaning and purpose in life.

You are allowed to believe what you believe and I don't find it offensive that you believe in 'not messing with nature' nor would I find it 'offensive' if you did believe in it. Aided procreation has many ethical and moral dilemmas attached to it and you are entitled to believe what you like. x

only4tonight · 15/03/2012 13:42

I spent several years thinking I was infertile and dh could not have handled Oct so I have given it significant thought. Also very close family members have been through unsuccessful treatment. So forgive me for picking at one point. I do find it insensitive to say that there is some kind of divine reasoning for some people being unable to have children naturally. There is nothing divine about it, it is a medical condition. The same as any other. Having treatment it not is down to the individual.

No one would think you a bitch for not wanting to go through invasive and emotionally fraught treatment you didn't want. I can understand that on every level. I have seen what unsuccessful treatment can do to someone and it is not something anyone should consider unless they are very very sure.