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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

INFERTILE, don't want treatment

73 replies

notsurehowtofeel · 15/03/2012 12:59

It's taken me awhile to decide where to post this and I've namechanged. I think I'll get the most response here and quite frankly I don't care if every single one of you think's I'm a bitch!

We've known since we got together we may struggle to have kids but waited until after we were married before seeking treatment. DS already has a DD, but has a low sperm count or are they lazy, mind gone blank. I have no kids.

I've always wanted them, DH wasn't bothered when we go together in kids or marriage but they were a deal breaker for me. Obviously we are now married and he is now more interested in having kids than me.

He still has problems and so it turns out do I. Our next step is to be reffered to the clinic, I will be most likely put onto drugs to stimulate my eggs.

However, I don't want to do it, if I can't have them naturally I don't want to get into an am I aren't I scenario every month and be crushed each time I get my period. IF I don't have treatment I can start to accept it now that we will not have kids (miracles not withstanding)

My DH has said whatever makes me happy makes him happy but I feel like i'm letting him down by not at least going for an appointment together.

Am I being an unreasonable cow?

thanks

OP posts:
Debsbear · 15/03/2012 13:43

YANBU, Have a really good chat when you see you husband later. See how he really feels. If it's something he feels very strongly about then maybe you could rethink and attend the initial consultation, if you decide together that that is the way to go, you wouldn't be committing to anything at that point. I was struggling to concieve and was sent for a consultation and a scan. I was extremely lucky because by the time I got to have the scan done I was already pregnant (didn't know until they told me) I think I must have relaxed about the whole thing or something, but obviously that doesn't happen for many people. I think that if you are happy without having children then it's great. Fertility treatment can take over your life and there are other ways to become a parent if that's what you want to do. Your husband may not be as worried as you think, in that he does already have a daughter. Good luck!

barbigirl · 15/03/2012 13:43

By that logic, OP is allowed to believe what she wants and other people are allowed to challenge those beliefs AND be offended by them, surely?

barbigirl · 15/03/2012 13:44

x post.

Snowboarder · 15/03/2012 13:45

I would at least go and have a chat about the process and maybe some more investigations unless you know for sure that you are never going to change your mind. That way, if the urge does reappear you will at least be prepared for what is to come.

We underwent IVF to have DS and I have to say that contrary to most people's experiences I did not find the process stressful or difficult at all - although it worked first time for us so I might have changed my opinion if I'd had 3/4 rounds worth and endured lots of heartbreak (although the pregnancy itself was hard enough but that's another story).

I'm not trying to be contentious but I just thought I'd give my opinion. I was prepared for IVF to be hell after everything I'd read/ been told but quite honestly could have done it all again had funds permitted (we went privately) - the physical experience was fine. I do sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I'd allowed myself to be put off.

Original poster
notsurehowtofeel · 15/03/2012 13:45

Dilys & Worra - what is a lap and dye test please? So far I've had blood tests (a sodding ordeal in itself as my body does not like letting it go Grin) and i've had a scan and probe.

Arch - i'm not even getting drawn into your attempts of starting a pointless argument

OP posts:
FauxFox · 15/03/2012 13:47

YANBU it's your choice. But do be aware that "Fertility Treatment" comes in many forms. I had trouble conceiving and decided (having watched a friend go through it) that I could not/would not do full IVF with all the injections and egg harvesting etc.

What I did do though was swallow a few Clomid pills. My twins are 7 today.

Snowboarder · 15/03/2012 13:48

To add, I know a few people who decided not to have treatment and they seem very happy and fulfilled with their decision. They certainly seem to be making the most of their child free lives and enjoying all of the things that I miss as a parent. Good on them!

WorraLiberty · 15/03/2012 13:49

Here's a link OP...it explains it better than I could.

www.privatehealth.co.uk/private-operations/gynaecology/laparoscopy-and-dye-test-hydrotubation/

barbigirl · 15/03/2012 13:55

And can I post this to deal with the 'does IVF cause cancer' thing

healthland.time.com/2010/12/08/putting-to-rest-fears-that-ivf-may-be-linked-to-cancer/

Original poster
notsurehowtofeel · 15/03/2012 14:10

thanks Worra - Doc mentioned that before sending me for a scan. I'm presuming that altho my GP mentioned going onto drugs this would be discussed by the fertility clinic.

Barbi, thanks for your link also. I will look at that one along with DH this evening when we are discussing everything.

Thanks to all for allowing me to unload, I'm feeling much better about being in a 'better frame of mind' when I speak to DH this evening. I'm still confused as hell but no longer feel a bitch for thinking just about myself at this moment in time.

OP posts:
Snowboarder · 15/03/2012 14:18

You are definitely 'not a bitch' - good luck with DH tonight.

MardyArsedMidlander · 15/03/2012 14:19

UANBU- but then I went through the same thing myself at about 35. Didn't get pregnant, decided to go for the initial tests. HATED HATED HATED it.
I had a lap and dye- which made my stomach swell alarmingly and was horribly tender. the drugs sent me a little mental, like worse PMT and I got fed up of having so many things up my orifices. Plus, like you, I have very bad veins so blood tests were agony.
It made me realise that pregnancy and birth would be a nightmare for me. To say I never regretted it is an understatement. In fact, as things have turned out it was the best decision I made.

spartafc · 15/03/2012 14:25

I have/had fertility problems, it took us 7/8 years to finally get a pregnancy that lasted (more than lasted, it resulted in our lovely DS).
I was regularly asked why I wasn't having treatment. Fortunately DH and I were agreed that it just wasn't for us.
I found it hard enough to be let down by my body every month without adding stressful treatments, invasive procedures or additional hormones to the mix. I think it would have been more than I could have coped with.
That said, I do think that IVF, or any fertility treatment at all, is completely wonderful and I am so so pleased that it is available. I just knew that I would have been torn apart by any failures, but I am quite weak like that.

barbigirl · 15/03/2012 14:29

spartfc- you are not 'weak' you're normal! What I said upthread about about 'people taking it in their stride' was actually a bit bollocks. It's always a big deal, I just kinda meant that from the outside, it looks a bit scarier than it is?

Mrsjay · 15/03/2012 14:30

You are not letting anybody down if you dont want treatment then dont have it , would you consider adoption or fostering ? or is it you have decided if i cant have them then i won't

MardyArsedMidlander · 15/03/2012 14:31

I think that IVF and other fertility treatment can be used to out even more pressure on women. You always read the magazine stories about people who mortgaged their houses; spent 10000s of pounds and had treatment for 10 years to get their 'miracle baby'. If you don't go through all that, it can seem a bit that you didn't REALLY want a baby...

diddl · 15/03/2012 14:32

I think it might be worth finding out what they would do.

And if you can´t/don´t want to, that´s up to you.

As others have said-you can´t promise one another children-only that you will try.

What to do when it doesn´t happen is another decision entirely imo.

spartafc · 15/03/2012 14:33

I hadn't seen your post barbigirl so my comment wasn't in relation to that.
I actually am probably on the weaker side of normal with this sort of thing though Grin. I would have been pretty crushed if I'd started a treatment and it hadn't worked because I think I'd have felt added pressure and, if I'm honest, more of a failure than I already did.
I agree though, I think a lot of people do take it in their stride, I really do. And hats off to them!

Lexie1970 · 15/03/2012 14:42

I don't think you are being a cow at all!

If you are not sure, rather than a definite no then I would go along for an initial consultation and just see what options are available and take it from there. In the first instance it will cost a couple of hundred pounds to see a consultant and you can take it from there.

We are having problems TTC no 2 and have an appointment on Monday. We have no intention of rushing down IVF route but just checking out 'options' for us.

From what I have read IVF is one hell of a roller coaster and tbh yes once you go down this route, you are messing with nature, however it is nice to have the option to be able to do so, so for heavens sake don't beat yourself up over it :)

mrstiredandconfused · 15/03/2012 14:45

Yadnbu- its your choice at the end of the day and if you don't want treatment then you don't want treatment. It's as simple as that!

You sound like your mind is going at a million miles an hour atm- completely understandable. The only thing I would say is make sure that you do everything possible to ensure that you won't have any regrets in the future. Sadly GPs don't tend to know a great deal about fertility and ivf certainly isn't the only treatment some couples can consider. Fwiw I'd go along for further investigations and make a decision after that. (btw lap+dye is regularly done but an x ray called a hysterosalpingogram (hsg) can also be done to check your uterine cavity/tubes - this can also "kick start" things in a similar way to a l+d!)

Have a long talk with your dh and you must do what is right for you - no one is going to think any less of you for declining treatment x

barbigirl · 15/03/2012 14:47

So, Lexy, does that make my son 'unnatural'?
Pleeeeease think before you post.

Heswall · 15/03/2012 14:52

I am the girl who hid in the toilets at school to avoid the TB vaccination I was so terrified of needles. If it's the whole injecting yourself part that is pointing you off I can hand on heart say it does not hurt and honestly is no big deal, compared to what they put you through with labour and giving birth not to mention raising them, IVF is a doddle.

Lexie1970 · 15/03/2012 16:02

Barbie you are obviously very prickly where this is concerned but it is not meant to be taken as an offensive statement.

My point is that there are now options available because doctors have 'messed' with nature to allow couples who previously would never be able to have children, to have children.

I feel very grateful to have DS with no assistance required, however with issues around conceiving no 2 we are looking at what can be done to help us. Nature is telling me my body is giving up the ghost at 41, messing with nature may give us a chance of a sibling ;)

maddening · 15/03/2012 16:10

yanbu for feeling this way but wbu not to give it all real consideration and discussion with dh - Do some research into the different treatments that are considered - some are not so invasive (eg clomid or femara) but obviously that depends on the reason for your infertility - but I think you have to make these decisions together as a couple

bowerbird · 15/03/2012 16:23

I really want to give you a hug. Listen, you've recently had a shock. You shouldn't be making any hard and fast decisions just yet.

I was where you were many years ago. The idea of IVF was repellent to me. For a short while. And then, i realised that my desire for children, for a family with my husband, could cope with some medical intervention. This turned into nine years of IVF and eventually a much cherished daughter. It was hellish at times, and other times, completely routine. Physically, it was no big deal.

I'm not promoting IVF or urging you to do something you don't want to do, but just saying that perhaps this is not the time to make this decision.

The other thing I want to say is that it's important that your decision is not based on fear. Believe me, I know all about how scary the prospect of both IVF and/or childlessness is. Take a deep breath. Consider at least getting some more information, following up on that appointment - purely to allow you to sift this all through your brain and heart.

Love and good luck to you.