INFERTILE, don't want treatment

[notsurehowtofeel]

It's taken me awhile to decide where to post this and I've namechanged. I think I'll get the most response here and quite frankly I don't care if every single one of you think's I'm a bitch!

We've known since we got together we may struggle to have kids but waited until after we were married before seeking treatment. DS already has a DD, but has a low sperm count or are they lazy, mind gone blank. I have no kids.

I've always wanted them, DH wasn't bothered when we go together in kids or marriage but they were a deal breaker for me. Obviously we are now married and he is now more interested in having kids than me.

He still has problems and so it turns out do I. Our next step is to be reffered to the clinic, I will be most likely put onto drugs to stimulate my eggs.

However, I don't want to do it, if I can't have them naturally I don't want to get into an am I aren't I scenario every month and be crushed each time I get my period. IF I don't have treatment I can start to accept it now that we will not have kids (miracles not withstanding)

My DH has said whatever makes me happy makes him happy but I feel like i'm letting him down by not at least going for an appointment together.

Am I being an unreasonable cow?

thanks

Possibly am a bit prickly Lexie and realise no offence was intended.

But the 'messing with nature' thing can be hurtful/touchy because it has all kinds of connotations (Mother Nature gives out the babies to the chosen ones...you are 'unnatural' if you can't conceive). It's a bit like telling a woman who has had a c-section that she hasn't given birth, iyswim?

You're really, really not being unreasonable :)

And as much as it makes those who have gone down the IVF route a bit sensitive to hear, I completely understand where you're coming from re not messing with things.

The things is - on both sides of the fence - there is no right or wrong. I don't get the impression OP has any judginess about people who pursue IVF, so why should she also be judged for her reasons and how she's made peace with her situation?

No one is no more deserving that anyone else. It just is. DH and I agreed we didn't want to pursue things if we didn't conceive. We had the exact same opinion as OP - if it wasn't meant to be, we would not intervene. It's just us, our personal opinions and beliefs. I have zero judgement of people who pursue IVF - in fact, I admire their determination. By the same token you could say I just didn't want a baby bad enough - and you would be completely wrong.

As it turns out, I fell pregnant the second month of proper trying. It's still not exactly written in the stars yet, still early days! If things are not meant to be, I made my life with my DH first and foremost.

There is no way on Earth I would have had IVF if I turned out to be infertile. Too low a success rate & too much of an emotional rollercoaster (for me). Never mind the health risks & big needles (faints). I hear OP saying she feels it unnatural in the same way that lots of us wouldn't choose to have fake tan or fake boobs; it doesn't mean we even care or "judge" if other people want breast implants or artificial tans.

Other forms of fertility treatment I might have considered. It's worthwhile to understand what the other options are before saying no.

Genuinely amazed that people who haven't had infertility issues can be so sure on what would have decided re: ivf if they had.

DH and I both want children. Him more than me - him desperately so. We'll struggle to have children naturally, in that I have a really bad medical history with ovarian cysts etc, only have one ovary because of an ovarian cancer scare and our age is against us (both over 40). (To set context).

I fell pregnant naturally in August 2011 after a year of shagging like rabbits just as we were about to start "fertility investigations". Unfortunately, we've just lost our daughter at 31 weeks and the doctors have told us that the likelyhood of conceiving naturally again is not high. That means IVF for us & the whole roller-coaster of IVF.

Like you, I really don't want to go down the IVF route. I don't want the relationship between DH and I to revolve around "having children at all costs". I don't want to shove drugs into my body and get on to the cycle of "Am I/Aren't I" every month. My DH has said the same as your DH - he is "happy" with my decision, because it's what I want.

However, what I will say, is that we both came to the decision together, in that we discussed it at length and I listened to and respected his views and opinions relating to the whole fertility treatment issue. Your DH may, deep down, like mine, be very disappointed that he may never have children, but he sounds supportive and loving and that he's with you for "you" rather than the children you can give him. The only thing I will say, is make sure you are not "railroading" him into "your" decision. Make sure you have discussed it properly and you have listened to what he has got to say about what he feels about it and he's had a chance to express his views and thoughts.

There's so much hype about IVF, so much talked about it, so many experiences discussed in media & fiction, so much hype about infertility, scare stories about fertility declining with age, the fuss about when and for whom IVF should be fussed on the NHS... I'd be amazed at any "aware of the world" 25+yo woman who hadn't thought about IVF a little, and some of us (admittedly ) think too much about everything.

I remember clearly when Louise Brown was born, the enormous controversy her birth generated, at the time we talked about it a lot in school (ethics and social science classes).

I think you're being really brave about it. Most of my close friends have not had children and sometimes it's really tough. Sometimes it's really tough when you do have them. There is no right way to live, and in some ways it's made harder by offering treatment that may or may not work.

I just wanted to say to everyone... so sorry for your pain and losses. I hope everything works out for you. There's no right answer, just what's right for your family.

ragged - I don't think that it's the fact that women have thought about IVF, it's that they have decided what they would do, even though they have never been in that position. It's like saying "if my DH ever died, I would sell up and move closer to my family". It's not that that isn't a valid choice if you are widowed, it's just that until you are in that position, you have no idea how you'd react and what you would want to do (and I hope I never find out).

For what it's worth, DH and I were always very open to the idea of adoption (back when having children was purely theoretical), but when push came to shove we realised that we just weren't up to actually going through it.

Some really good advice here, especially those pointing out that it's not "IVF or nothing". There are lots of tests/treatments that are less invasive than IVF, for example lap and dye/HSG, Clomid, IUI, progesterone supplements, etc.

What's the harm in going for the appointment? If you don't like what they are suggesting, you don't have to do it. At least you will know what the options are.

QuietTiger so sorry about your loss. Best of luck further down the line.

OP, YANBU. You've only found out today, I think you really need to give it a little time for your feelings to settle down. That's what I seem to need after bad news, anyway.

I think you would be doing your husband a kindness to go to the appointment although make it clear to him beforehand what you could and could not go through. If it were me, I would want to at least hear our options and have a 'base' from which to discuss with my husband. If you decide afterwards that it's not for you, at least your husband would know you tried, IYSWIM.

Of course if treatment is totally off the table no matter what then that's your choice.

Sorry for your bad news.

YANBU.

We were told we would need IVF to have children, I had a very strong response of 'fuck that' after having watched friends endure it.

So we made peace with it and moved on, I should tell you though we now have two kids. I adore my children but if I hadn't met them then I wouldn't know them so I wouldn't miss them and would be off having a different sort of life.

It is entirely a personal decision and no one should judge. For me the process itself was really not that bad, not exactly fun but certainly bearable. I went into it telling myself to expect it to fail, and that it was something I had to go through before accepting childlessness, so I wouldn't get too hung up on maybes..

Now I have two ivf conceived children and I can tell you for certain that they have made my life. But that is just me, we are all different. Talk to your husband and maybe spend some time researching the process and talking to those who have been through it.

The talk about nature does upset me somewhat, it is no more unnatural than any other medical treatment.

Quiettiger I am so sorry for your loss

Hi OP
Hope all is going well with you this evening? It sounds like you've just had some unexpected and disappointing news and your gut reaction is that you don't want invasive fertility treatment (eg IVF). That's totally fine, but please do go to your appointment and see whats available as you may be offered other options. For me, ovulation stimulation meant taking a drug called Clomid. It's a pill you take each day for 5 days at the start of your cycle, and that's it. Totally non-invasive, and very low-key; a very 'natural' conception - our lovely DS is now 4.

Ragged - to equate a couple going the IVF route to someone getting fake tan and fake boobs is ridiculous and offensive. Shame on you.

It's a matter of personal choice, your body, your relationship and you have to do what is right for you and yours.

I always said I would never have fertility treatment and would accept not being able to have children. 3 mc and then being told we were unlikely to concieve without treatment led to some heart searching and we decided that we would try anything and everything to have children so that we didn't look back in our old age and say we wish we tried x or y. However we didn't have the luxury of time being late 30s by the time we were told this. Had I been early 30s I might have been prepared to wait a bit and see how we felt. It hasn't worked, we said we'd have 3 goes we will and then giving up will be the hardest thing I am not sure I can but know i will have to.

It's a hard decision but whatever you decide is not unreasonable or wrong if you and your H are comfortable with it.

OP YANBU.

We were on the IVF waiting list but I was happy to be on the list but not so happy about our names coming to the top of it and a) having that one free shot and then most probably b) having to finance more goes at it with no guarantees.

I couldn't get my head around the process and I even found the investigations very difficult to deal with and found myself getting very obsessed with our fertility and getting very concerned. I had no life.

I put our names on the list as it was offered and dh was very keen but I had huge reservations. Luckily we conceive without help in the end but I did feel there was a huge ticking clock with the IVF and I so very much admire people who go down that route as personally was not strong enough to deal with it (wish I were).

IVF: sniff some drugs for a couple of weeks, switch ovaries off. Take some more drugs for about 3 weeks, grow loads of eggs, go and have eggs removed. Add in splash of your husband's finest, see what happens. Put back the resulting embryos and hope they stick. That's it. It can seem daunting but that's all there is to it.
Given it's the DAY you've discovered all this your mind is bound to be all over the place, but don't write off IVF without good reason, and sorry darling, but "messing with nature" doesn't really make much sense!
Good luck!

YANBU, i was in a very similar situation, knew that i was going to struggle to conceive before me and DH married started trying soon after but with no luck investigations followed with the consultant telling me i would have more chance of being hit by lightening than getting pregnant without help

after many hours of soul searching on both our parts we decided that fertility treatment was not for us, we still wanted a family so went down the adoption route and are now parents to our amazing girls.

fertility treatment is not for everyone, only you and your DH can decide how you feel and what is best for you, sod everyone else

I'm in a similar boat but a bit further down the line. DH and I always said we wouldn't go down the IVF route but that was when we thought it was just taking a while to get pregnant. Now it turns out there is a problem we've more or less decided to take the free IVF and go no further than that. It's horses for courses and nobody apart from you can make the call. It's far too personal a decision and remember you don't have to justify yourself to anybody.

Hi Everyone.

Thanks for all your messages of support, much appreciated

Me and truly truly wonderful DH sat down last night to discuss. I got quite emotional and hyper critical of myself for being a failure etc etc at which point he pointed out that as we both have fertility issues no one is to blame but if I was going to insist on taking the blame to make myself feel better (why do we women do that??) I could have 50% of it and he'd have the other 50%.

He assured me that he really was fine with any decision i made as for him my happiness is paramount - we went over this a few times as I wasn't sure he was just paying lip service but I beleive him.

For now we have decided to take it no further, however we did say we'd discuss again in a few months time if we felt the need to.

We have also decided, which I think is a big step for me, that when someone tells me it will be my turn next, instead of smiling and making no comment I am now going to say, no actually it won't be. We're not having children!

Once again thanks to you all.
xx

My cousin's dd was in your position and decided on IVF-two failed attempts but now she has a gorgeous baby girl. I also know someone who had two embryos implanted and one divided so she is having IVF triplets!
It is not unnatural,not unless you feel that all medical advances are against nature.For the sake of your dh and ultimately for yourselg I'd say give it one go but only you and your dh can make that decision.Others can only respect it,whatever you decide.
Good Luck