to cut my nanny's pay?

[MarieFromStMoritz]

I really need some advice as I am at the end of my tether. In order to avoid drip feeding, I want to point out the following:

1. We live overseas where standards and expectations are lower.
2. My DS is a Year 2 child in a Year 1 class.
3. I am experiencing complications in my pregnancy, and am on strict bed rest.

We hired our nanny in January. We chose her because she was recommended to us and because she was a school teacher. We pay her way in excess of other nannies because of this. As our son is in the year below his age group, he needs to do a certain amount of work every day after school to keep up with his age peers. It is not much: some maths, handwriting, spelling, etc. I have provided all the books and sheets, and it is very clear what he should be doing every day. It should take no longer than 40 minutes.

When we first employed our nanny, I was working full-time. Unfortunately, I am having a very difficult pregnancy and am on strict bed rest, possibly until the baby is born in October, so I have had to give up my job.

So, it became clear quite early on that she was not doing his work with him. She will lie and say that he has done it, when in fact he hasn't. She blames him by saying he doesn't want to do it, he said "no", all sorts of excuses. I have had a few talks with her about this, and she promised that she would get on top of it. I have also noticed that some of the work he has done looks suspiciously like it was written by her. Twice I have completely lost my temper with her, but she just says "sorry" and smiles coquettishly. She just doesn't seem to take it seriously. She is 36, by the way. I don't think it's a coincidence that both times I lost my temper with her, I had a massive bleed afterwards. This is all causing me so much stress.

I have also spoken to DS. He can be difficult and you do need to be firm with him. I accept that. But she doesn't really even seem to try with him. I homeschooled him for a year, so I am aware of what he is like. However, it is not that difficult once he gets going.

I try to get DH involved, but he works very hard, very long hours and has a perilous 90 mins commute both ways, so I don't expect a lot from him. I have asked him to listen to DS read every day, that's the only thing I expect him to do. But he never does it unless I put the book under his nose or "remind" him. The thing is, then it will be coming from me, not him, and I was DS to feel that DH values reading and doesn't do it because Mum has asked him to.

So I don't know what to do now. I really feel like saying to the nanny, "well, as you are not doing work with DS as per your contract, we are cutting your pay by 25%". Would that be unreasonable? The thing is, I know that she needs the money. She sends half her salary back home to help her family, so I would feel bad doing this.

And if we do that, then what? Should I use the money to get in a personal tutor? Risk coming off bed rest and do it myself? Or let DS flounder?

I would be very open to suggestions. Thanks very much.

Why would you keep someone that you are sure is lying to you in your employ at all, especially someone who is looking after your child? I don't understand why you are even considering keeping her on at all, reduced rate or not.

I do wonder, SofiaAmes. The conversation usually goes like this:

Me: Has DS done his work?
Nanny: Yes
Me: What, all of it?
Nanny: Yes
Me: Everything?
Nanny: Yes
Me: Including his Spelling?
Nanny: No, not the spelling
Me: So he hasn't done it all then?
Nanny: No. But he said no, and then he played on the iPad, and I asked him again, and then he went to the bathroom, and he says he doesn't want to do it, and then, and then, and then...

You can never get a straight answer from her.

I once worked as a nanny for a year and as I am a teacher I was employed for the and reasons that you employed your nanny. The little boy I had was in reception but he was a bit behind. Anyway, he really, really hated doing the work with me and I found it so difficult.

He was at school all day and then he was coming home to all of this work. It made it worse that he had a eight year old sister who didn't need the extra help.

In the end, his mum took him out of the school he was in and put him in a little private school with small classes so he could get the extra help he needed during the school day.

Unless these books and worksheets your ds is doing are from the school, is there not another way of topping up his learning. So, maths games if he is behind at maths for example. There are some great resources out there.

Thanks for the insight SavoyCabbage. I think he does feel a little bit of resentment that he has to do extra work, but it is unavoidable.

He is in a private school, and the extra work is part of the K12 programme, so it is very structured.

I wouldn't keep someone in employment who lied to me whatever their position. I have been a nanny in the uk and I think the reason parents choose this form of childcare is they get to be very specific about their families needs, if you really feel you can't het rid of her maybe change her hours and employ a tutor for after school. I think you need to choose the path of least stress, I think losing your temper with an employee probably has a lasting effect on performance especially when ii think the nanny/ family relationship is so important and you really do all need to get along.

Leave DS in year 1. He will be a bit bigger than the others when they get older and get into all the sports teams.

My son moved down a year when we moved from England to Scotland as they had starte the equivalent of GCEs a year earlier. He thrived.

Well, he will have to do it then. Tell him if he doesn't do it he will not get to go swimming or whatever and tell her if he does not do it you will have to cut her pay or let her go. And hide the iPad.

My dh tells my dc that if they don't work hard at school they will be poor when they grow up.

He's already down a year I think Josie.

Tiredprobably: my problem is, it could take 4 months to find a replacement.

JosieZ: my concern is that if we return to the UK, he will be put in his 'proper' year group. Are you saying this is maybe not the case?

savoycabbage: I have tried that angle. The thing is, he has an answer for everything. He once shouted at me when he was about four: "all you and dad care about is money, but I'M NOT LIKE YOU AND DAD!!!"

But def hide the iPad.

Yes, he's in Year 1. The reason is, I took him out of school for a year because there was a chance we were moving to another country. As they do not recognise homeschooling in this country, he had to go into the year group following the one that he last attended.

There was no problem with his ability. Just mindless bureaucracy.

There's several issues here and I think you need to consider each one as a separate problem and then how they fit together as a whole

The Nanny is not doing her job. You were specific about the job and she is failing both you and your DS - I'm sorry but IMO the Nanny need to go

You are not well and the added stress of the Nanny and your son falling behind are making the stress levels worse. The problem with your son needs to be dealt with and the Nanny is making things worse not better.

Your son falling behind in school needs to be addressed with the school in the first instance, and I'd ask them for their recommendations and assistance.

In my experience extra school work does not alway help a child catch up, but rather playing some educational games like on the iPad can help, in a controlled environment. I'd limit your son's iPad usage to set 'games' first and then some down time as well.

Id also concentrate on one area at a time where your son is falling behind (like reading). I do know this is hard, and it's taken 3 years for my son to catch up with his peers - he was terribly behind at the start of year two, and he's now in year five and is actually now slighty ahead of the average child.

Good luck

I would be looking for someone else. I know this may take a while, but:

(a) she hasn't been in your employment for long so your ds won't be too attached yet
(b) your pregnancy is being affected - a big bleed is no joke, esp when you are already on bedrest
(c) you want to get this sorted before the baby comes, as it will all surely get worse then and you will have less time to organise matters - also, because you want your ds to be settled and happy in good time before then.

Are you planning to return to the UK soon? If so, forget what I said - no point in changing nannies only to change again when you move.. unless the nanny would be coming with you.

WorkingClassMum, he's not falling behind, he is doing fine in Year 1. The problem is that he is meant to be in Year 2, which is why he needs to do Year 2 work in the afternoons after school.

I think living abroad makes this a more difficult question (from a fellow expat!) Many of the helpers that we get here are generally just not capable of enforcing something that the kids don't want to do. Where I live it's because they dote on the children and don't really instill a routine etc until much older. Having said that, helpers who can maintain the discipline of getting the extra work done are out there and I think you know that you need to change your helper - though I can imagine it's the last thing you want right now!

I know having a recommendation can be a real comfort but they can be good and they can be terrible - I've had both wonderful and terrible helpers both on high recommendation - it doesn't always work out for one family as it did for another. Take the fact that you're on bed rest at home as a (as much as it can be!) positive - you can get a new (cheaper) helper and you're in the house while she settles in and until you're comfortable with her - and then get a tutor for the school work - i think it's too hard to combine the two - maybe if you could get a young (male?) university student, your son might have more inclination to do the work if he's doing it with someone he relates to more? Don't do it yourself - your first priority is to your new baby not to your son's schoolwork. and give yourself a break - it's not going to destroy your son if the work doesn't all get done for a few weeks while you transition into new arrangements.

Hope you come to a conclusion soon.

naturopath, you raise some good points. I do need to sort this out. I am so stressed, I recognise that. Not being able to work has put us in such a difficult position, I really don't know how we are going to survive financially until I go back to work.

I really feel so angry with her sometimes. I know this sounds terrible, but I felt like punching her in the face the other day. I know I am probably being a bit irrational, but what with worrying about DS, worrying about the pregnancy, worrying about money... it's all too much.

Okay - but I'd still only concentrate on on mainly area at a time and seeing you have an iPad and he likes it I'd still employ the iPad to help with this. Especially the apps where the results are kept.

We were advised to bring my son's reading up to scratch first, then his spelling and his comprehension just flowed from there. Maths we slogged at a bit but that too has improved as his confidence in other areas grew

I'd get an assessment from the school and get them to help you with a plan - even of you did concentrated reading for one term, then spelling for the second term etc.

And I'd still get rid of the Nanny ASAP as her attitude seems to exasperate the problems not alleviate them

Thanks WorkingClassMum. Who do you think should supervise his extra work?

He sounds like a very stressed little lad shouting that at 4? It's a bit beyond the normal flounce because you won't let them watch TV?

You all sound pretty stressed.

Dad has abdicated family because of his hard long houred job with 90 minute commute.
You are at the beginning of a pregnancy which is not proceeding without difficulty.

I'd probably suggest that your considered action with the nanny will not improve your situation at all but will add more stress. You will have the stress of her working for you but with a loss of both trust and good feeling. You run the risk of her leaving you which would be difficult.

If this were still your intention the fairest thing would be to sit down with her and warn her of your intentions/reasons why and give her the chance to talk about her problems with your requirements and agree a time interval for change before doing this.

You describe how your DH doesn't assist with reading but not how you plan to tackle that. Possibly because it seems unresolvable? (You can't cut his wage) What about the same adult discussion with him outlining your fears for your son's education and your family life (your stress?)? Any chance he could rethink aspects of his working life - OR would rethink them?

Reading - your son could read to you - jump into bed and enjoy one to one time

Your son - he must be feeling all this stress and expectation. I know you want the best for him but you also want him to fill his potential not fill the potential of the child you planned him to be. Don't let him grow up as an adult feeling like he failed you.

I'm tutoring my DC and am balancing that extra lift of education against making her feel pressured or tired after a long day at school. She has blossomed and made notable progress with loads of encouragement. At first her concentration seemed poor and her focus and commitment seemed ...er less enthusiastic? She is getting rewards and the time is fun and can see herself how the work is improving.

Best wishes to you in your pregnancy

The thing is ToothbrushThief, his reading is actually very good. I just want DH to take an interest. DS adores his dad, and I think if his dad showed that he was interested, then DS would be more interested, if that makes sense.

And it's not about my expectations for him. It is about him being a whole year behind everybody else in his class if we move to another country.

ok more info and I cross posted lots :)

I'd probably release the nanny. I'd take on the tutoring myself. How 'complete' is bed rest -at this stage in your pregnancy it is impossible to suggest you spend the next 6-7 months in bed? Can you manage light duites of sitting with your son?

You do need to share all those with your DH and have a plan for coping. It all sounds very stressful and a plan would make you all feel less stressed

I realised that about the yr group issue after I'd cross posted so much

In the absence of Dad's interest yours can fill the void

(Not right for you to fill the Dad void...but happens in many families)

What about instead of hiring a nanny, you hire a tutor that is willing to do a little babysitting too. That way they know that that is your primary goal for the position.

Hopandaskip, that's what we thought we were getting - a tutor who lives with us full-time and does some light cleaning and cooking. She has completely failed us on her main job role, although she's great at the other things, typically.

ToothbrushThief, I can work with him if I sort out the logistics of him working with me whilst I am on bed rest. I need to do this, don't I?

Thanks for all your replies. I think I know what I need to do... give up on the nanny and DH doing any work with DS, and do it myself. He can sit on my bed and work, I am sure it can't be that difficult.

But, do I cut the nanny's pay to reflect the downsizing of her job role? Any thoughts?