to cut my nanny's pay?

[MarieFromStMoritz]

I really need some advice as I am at the end of my tether. In order to avoid drip feeding, I want to point out the following:

1. We live overseas where standards and expectations are lower.
2. My DS is a Year 2 child in a Year 1 class.
3. I am experiencing complications in my pregnancy, and am on strict bed rest.

We hired our nanny in January. We chose her because she was recommended to us and because she was a school teacher. We pay her way in excess of other nannies because of this. As our son is in the year below his age group, he needs to do a certain amount of work every day after school to keep up with his age peers. It is not much: some maths, handwriting, spelling, etc. I have provided all the books and sheets, and it is very clear what he should be doing every day. It should take no longer than 40 minutes.

When we first employed our nanny, I was working full-time. Unfortunately, I am having a very difficult pregnancy and am on strict bed rest, possibly until the baby is born in October, so I have had to give up my job.

So, it became clear quite early on that she was not doing his work with him. She will lie and say that he has done it, when in fact he hasn't. She blames him by saying he doesn't want to do it, he said "no", all sorts of excuses. I have had a few talks with her about this, and she promised that she would get on top of it. I have also noticed that some of the work he has done looks suspiciously like it was written by her. Twice I have completely lost my temper with her, but she just says "sorry" and smiles coquettishly. She just doesn't seem to take it seriously. She is 36, by the way. I don't think it's a coincidence that both times I lost my temper with her, I had a massive bleed afterwards. This is all causing me so much stress.

I have also spoken to DS. He can be difficult and you do need to be firm with him. I accept that. But she doesn't really even seem to try with him. I homeschooled him for a year, so I am aware of what he is like. However, it is not that difficult once he gets going.

I try to get DH involved, but he works very hard, very long hours and has a perilous 90 mins commute both ways, so I don't expect a lot from him. I have asked him to listen to DS read every day, that's the only thing I expect him to do. But he never does it unless I put the book under his nose or "remind" him. The thing is, then it will be coming from me, not him, and I was DS to feel that DH values reading and doesn't do it because Mum has asked him to.

So I don't know what to do now. I really feel like saying to the nanny, "well, as you are not doing work with DS as per your contract, we are cutting your pay by 25%". Would that be unreasonable? The thing is, I know that she needs the money. She sends half her salary back home to help her family, so I would feel bad doing this.

And if we do that, then what? Should I use the money to get in a personal tutor? Risk coming off bed rest and do it myself? Or let DS flounder?

I would be very open to suggestions. Thanks very much.

I agree that you need some help, but your current Nanny just isn't cutting the mustard and is making things worse.

I'd look get a tutor one or two nights per week and a nanny another couple of nights if you could afford it.

Seeing his reading is pretty good, maybe you keep up with the reading, and a tutor one or two night per week to address the other areas and the Nanny to just watch him without stressing him out more - play based learning is just as important at this age, so other things that need learnt skills like cooking (even from a packet) that can be done with a Nanny.

Catching up doesn't need to happen all in one year - even over two years wont set him back too much.

The problem I see is that if my massive assumptions are correct (based on her sending her salary home), you have hired from a culture where being assertive in the way you need her to be with your DS is going to be almost impossible for her? And probably for anyone else from this culture.

I would split out your issues into their separate elements and deal with one at a time.

1. Tutoring for your son. I'd see if you can get saturday classes or something for her to take him to. When there are no distractions and someone is in charge then he may well get more switched on.
2. Your DH will only change if he wants to. It's his decision. You need to work out how you deal with that, not continue to fight to change it. I imagine he sees coming home as 'down time' not 'chore time' (not saying he's righ tin any way)
3. Nanny lying and not doing her job. From her point of view you are asking her to do something she simply cannot do. So I imagine she thinks that if she keeps you happy you won't fire her, even if that means lying to you. Up to you how to deal with it, but I imagine getting a new nanny from the same culture won't necessarily solve your problems.
4. Could you ask at DS's school if they can help tutor him more for extra fees?

Bu the way, IME private schools here in UK have no problem taking children out of year. I know of 4 children who are out of year at their schools.

I think you are right, StillSquiffy, I am probably expecting too much from her. However, we employed her because she was a school teacher.

Can I clarify, when you say "nanny" do you mean helper/amah?

If so, sorry but I dont think it's reasonable of you to expect her to enforce this additional work when you can't enforce it yourself. Helpers do very much take their lead from you, and whatever their education level, the vast majority just are not assertive enough to deal with persistent defiance from their charges, unless you empower them by giving them the consequences they should use. Otherwise they don't do it because they worry you'll yell at them for being too harsh on the kids or sack them if the kids dont like them. As a result, quite justifiably, they just dont want to be bad cop because staying employed is their No 1 priority

So although it's hard for you at the moment, you have to be the one to say to your son, "When you get home, X is going to help you with your HW, and if you don't do it then Y" and then say to the helper "If you have problems, tell me and I'll deal with it"

Also, if you do mean helper, then no I wouldnt cut pay because it wasnt a reasonable expectation in the first place. I'd just put it down to experience, use her for normal childcare and hire a tutor if required.

No, not really RLIFW, she was a school teacher, and we employed her on that basis. You may have a point, though. She probably isn't assertive enough to deal with him. We can't really afford to employ a tutor as well as pay her what we pay her. We are already running at a deficit since I gave up work.

If he's coping with the Yr1 work and is happy and emotionally settled in this year group, why bother forcing the Yr2 work? Whatever school you move him to later should understand that a child who has been placed in a year below that of his chronological age is there because they need to be.
If your nanny isn't working to you satisfaction, I'd let her go and look for a replacement. You need to have trust and a good working relationship.

I'd agree that you could set up things so that your son does his work in your room.
That way she helps him (or you, if you can), but you are in authority.

You do say that your son is very spirited (TBH what he said to you at 4 seems a bit odd). Do you allow her to punish him?
I may see her as the "help", not as someone in authority.
For those reasons, a tutor might have been better. (I know, too late)

And it will even be worse now because he knows she will lie for him.

And he may well be acting out to get your and dad's attention. From his point of view, he may well feel that he is being ignored by both of you.

I also wonder what is a "year below his chronological age".

You mean that all the pupils in the class are younger than him, or in relation to the year he should be in the UK?

Lueji, he is 7 and in Year 1.

... all of the other children in his class are 5 or 6.

I speak from personal experience. DS is in the year below his peers because it suits his abilities and emotional development far better. Never regretted it and would not consider moving him back up. One of the biggest reasons for this is that he is far less stressed about school and it is not affecting his self-esteem or turning him off learning.

I understand that you are not well and are worried for your child but...... you wanted to punch her in the face ? ...... Not very nice is it? I've lost all sympathy for you now.

If you previously homeschooled then presumably you could do the tutoring part yourself?

You have unwittingly signed an unworkable contract with this nanny. I think you should give her notice and employ another (no tutoring duties) at the going rate as you are struggling financially.

That's a thought, lifechanger. I will look into that.

Another thing that bothered me is this... since I have been on bed rest, DS has taken the school bus to and from school. He was complaining that the helper on the bus did not help him with his seat belt, so he didn't wear it as he couldn't figure out how to tighten it.

I told the nanny to speak to the helper on the bus about this, she did. DS comes home again saying that the helper had not helped him again. My DH took a morning off work and spoke to the helper on the bus, DS again said he didn't get help on the way home.

Anyway, after over a week of this, with me threatening to have the helper fired, etc. the nanny then told us that there were two helpers - one in the morning and one in the afternoon. I asked her why she had failed to mention this before. Cue: "sorry" + coquettish smile.

I know maras2, I felt terrible . I just feel under so much stress and as this was an IVF pregnancy and high risk, that is adding to it.

The thing is, if we sack her, there will be no-one to put DS on the bus, or do the cleaning or indeed anything. I am completely bed bound. It took us 4 months to get her here, it would probably take as long to replace her.

God, this is horrible

lifechanger, you have to sponsor them and it takes ages. They have to do training in their own country and the amount of paperwork you just wouldn't believe.

Yes, being on bed rest is awful. I hate it.

Sorry Marie.You're obviously are aware of how wrong that was.IVF must be so stressful.Perhaps fire nanny and do the extra reading time yourself,and employ a general domestic help.Good luck. Mx.

We spend $60k on IVF and finally I'm pregnant, and part of me wishes it hadn't worked

Ah, don't say that.You really are low aren't you.30 weeks bedrest isn't the nicest way to spend a pregnancy but if it keeps you and your baby safe then that's what you have to do.Try to talk to your DH about it,perhaps show him this thread. Mx.

Is there any possibility of getting local help, even if just to do house work, cleaning cooking etc?
Or could you and DS return to the UK until the baby is born, if you have family who could help?

Yeah, I really am. It seems to be one thing after another. Yesterday, DS came home with a note from school informing us that there had been a few cases on Chicken Pox. Now I'm worried sick, as I haven't had it, and I worry for the baby if I do catch it.

I so wish I had the kind of DH that you could talk to. He is like a closed book. I do love him, but he is so passive, he never shows any initiative and won't do anything unless you nag him. He is a real underachiever and this really bothers him. He is always saying how he wants DS to go to university and get a good job, but he doesn't seem to realise that DS needs input if that is to be possible.

Oh, I so wish we could return to the UK catsareevil, but there is no-one we could stay with. Our current 'nanny' is quite good with the housey stuff, it's just the homework and communicating she's not good at.

Thanks for your replies. Sorry if I sound a bit self-piteous, I just get a bit lonely sometimes as we have no friends or family here.