to cut my nanny's pay?

[MarieFromStMoritz]

I really need some advice as I am at the end of my tether. In order to avoid drip feeding, I want to point out the following:

1. We live overseas where standards and expectations are lower.
2. My DS is a Year 2 child in a Year 1 class.
3. I am experiencing complications in my pregnancy, and am on strict bed rest.

We hired our nanny in January. We chose her because she was recommended to us and because she was a school teacher. We pay her way in excess of other nannies because of this. As our son is in the year below his age group, he needs to do a certain amount of work every day after school to keep up with his age peers. It is not much: some maths, handwriting, spelling, etc. I have provided all the books and sheets, and it is very clear what he should be doing every day. It should take no longer than 40 minutes.

When we first employed our nanny, I was working full-time. Unfortunately, I am having a very difficult pregnancy and am on strict bed rest, possibly until the baby is born in October, so I have had to give up my job.

So, it became clear quite early on that she was not doing his work with him. She will lie and say that he has done it, when in fact he hasn't. She blames him by saying he doesn't want to do it, he said "no", all sorts of excuses. I have had a few talks with her about this, and she promised that she would get on top of it. I have also noticed that some of the work he has done looks suspiciously like it was written by her. Twice I have completely lost my temper with her, but she just says "sorry" and smiles coquettishly. She just doesn't seem to take it seriously. She is 36, by the way. I don't think it's a coincidence that both times I lost my temper with her, I had a massive bleed afterwards. This is all causing me so much stress.

I have also spoken to DS. He can be difficult and you do need to be firm with him. I accept that. But she doesn't really even seem to try with him. I homeschooled him for a year, so I am aware of what he is like. However, it is not that difficult once he gets going.

I try to get DH involved, but he works very hard, very long hours and has a perilous 90 mins commute both ways, so I don't expect a lot from him. I have asked him to listen to DS read every day, that's the only thing I expect him to do. But he never does it unless I put the book under his nose or "remind" him. The thing is, then it will be coming from me, not him, and I was DS to feel that DH values reading and doesn't do it because Mum has asked him to.

So I don't know what to do now. I really feel like saying to the nanny, "well, as you are not doing work with DS as per your contract, we are cutting your pay by 25%". Would that be unreasonable? The thing is, I know that she needs the money. She sends half her salary back home to help her family, so I would feel bad doing this.

And if we do that, then what? Should I use the money to get in a personal tutor? Risk coming off bed rest and do it myself? Or let DS flounder?

I would be very open to suggestions. Thanks very much.

Agree with cats.Have you any family that you can talk to?You do need some help my love,It's going to be a long 30 or so weeks.Are you being paid while off work,is the benefit system similar to that in the UK?

No, I am not being paid and there is no benefit system here, unfortunately.

Are you in Dubai?
if so I can recommend a few agencies (that for a fee) will sort out a new maid and deal with the paperwork. It's pretty quick to sort out.

I had a note about chicken pox from the school yesterday ..am wondering if you're local to me?

Thanks Labootin, but we don't need a maid, we need a nanny. Although I am beginning to realise that I had very unrealistic expectations...

I would suggest you try talking to your DS about the extra work. As in, does he want to stay in the year where everyone is younger than him, or move back up again? If he wants to move up, then use that to motivate him to do the work.

You could try something similar with your DH and the reading.

As for the nanny, I wouldn't keep her if I were you. Not doing what you hired her for would be a deal breaker for me. Maybe give her a final chance, explain that you want her to be pushy with DS if that's what it takes.

And try to relax about this all, stress is not good at the best of times!

How long is it til you move to another country or return to Britain?

Cos there's one option you haven't looked at and that's letting DS not do schoolwork and accept he is behind right now.

Once you move you can get tutors/classes/a better nanny.

I think it might be better for all of you if you let go of ds's schoolwork for now - he will catch up eventually. Chop the 'nannys' pay to reflect the fact she isn't teaching him and this will relieve some of the stress.

Frankly I think the goal here is to reduce stress on you so you can give birth to this baby. Your ds's schooling is less important than that as he will have the possibility to catch up - this baby needs to get born first.

Even if you waited til it was born and then decided to tackle it only 6 months would have passed and your DS would still be 4/5.

You need to take the pressure off YOU as a priority.

Marie, this might be a complete non-starter, but have you thought about coming back to the UK for the rest of your pregnancy (if that's where you are from)?

Would you be able to locate near relatives who can help? Is there a private school there who could take your DCs for a term or two? It's easier to get nannies / tutors here.

Or is there a family member who could fly out to you for a month or two and help you deal with this?

I thought it was a good suggestion that you get another tutor in and reduce the nanny's wages, maybe just the threat would make her change her ways.

Or you could reduce her wages and offer her the chance to earn more for every tutoring session she completes?

Are you sure she is a school teacher? She hasn't faked her qualifications / experience?

Good luck with it all and with your pregnancy.

I think you have got different expectations to what your likely to get - I'm also assuming your asai/me and we're talking about a helper even if she's called a nanny and was previously (in her home country) a teacher. (apologies if this is wrong assumption)
I think you need to rethink the whole situation - especially as your circumstances have changed so much with the pregnancy and loss of job. If you can really only get the skills of a helper then you need to rethink your sons support - are you planning to move back to the UK soon is that why it's so critical? Or are you putting pressure on the family given your/DHs own sense of achievement? Can the extra studying wait or be cooled off until your health is better? At 7 I'd expect your DS to be able to do his own seat belt or raise it, ok he's spirited but with your bed rest and a new baby on the way he is going to have to learn some responsibility or to accept rules from a helper.

And importantly relax - your expectations just don't fit the circumstances short term. Concentrate on your health and the rest can be fixed later.

sack her, get someone better. seriously, you can hopefully handle until you get someone better?

Definitely sack her, she sounds useless and really irritating.

Is there something like Kumon, that he coud attend after school? Then you would by-pass the authority issues that your son seems to be developing with females.

I think concentrate on your pg (congrats) and your boy. He must be very stressed if his mummy is suddenly on bed rest. Deal with the school stuff later. Get a normal mothers help type person in. Save money and stress :)

I have lived in various countries, with maids and nannies, as an expat mum.

And IMO,

• she has probably lied about being a teacher (in some cultures it is "o.k." to lie to foreigners, or to lie at all, sadly), I don't buy it at all.

• if you are paying seriously over the odds, she will think you are a fool with more money than sense, and treat you accordingly (been there)

• if she lies about one thing, she may well lie about other things too, or using your phone to call her friends and family whilst plonking the DC in front of the telly (been there too)

• she will take more and more liberties (been there) and the closer you get to your due date, the more "power" she has over you as you would not sack her 3 weeks before the due date, right?

• she will keep choosing the easiest route (easier to lie to a sick woman than to do the hated tutoring work)

I would say if your nanny is making you feel in any way uncomfortable or stressed, let her go. Start asking around for a new recommendation. Make it the responsibility of your husband (his colleagues must know people).

Now for the future, get a nanny and a separate tutor, and maybe stick to 30 mins a day (that is as much as my DC could cope with at that age)

Best wishes!

OP i would repost this in Living Overseas, and provide more specifics about country you're in and exact circumstances of the "nanny"- what sort of visa is she on which etc, and someone from that country will hopefully be able to offer you some decent advice

Atm, it's very unclear whether your expectations are unreasonable or not.

eg I am in HK and it is not at all unusual for helpers here to be qualified teachers/ nurses/midwives etc (i.e. to be fairly well educated) but in no way does this translate to them realistically being able to be a nanny on a par with what someone in the UK would say is a nanny IYSWIM.

Perhaps the nanny thinks that 40 mins a day is too much for a 7 year old on top of a full school day and finds you hard to approach as you get so angry?

A nanny shouldn't be cleaning your house or cooking for you all every day.

Cleaning your sons room and his food yes but not everything else. Tbh you seem to want a governess/ nanny who will also be your maid. V v v unlikely you shall find that in one person.

You need a nanny who knows what she's doing and to be focused on education and childcare, then a maid to do all of the cleaning/ cooking

Or a maid/ tutor. If he's seven he should be able to look after himself to a degree. Can you get a maid who will start in the morning and drop him at the bus then clean/ cook for a few hours. Then get a tutor who will collect from bus and do 45/1hr with him at home.

Evening meal would be cooked am by maid so would just need you to reheat

What you want is unrealistic. I have friends out in Dubai, and their helpers are all like maids who do housework, with nannying (i.e. caring for small children) duties. They are like extra caring adults around the place.

This is not the same thing as a tutor, and it's ridiculous for her to be mopping the floor one day and tutoring him in a position of authority the next. Added to this, there's the complete power inbalance, she's your servant/staff, and your son effectively doesn't do what she says, and most servants/staff out there will not challenge the sons in the household for fear of losing your jobs. The power inbalance is there for all to see: you talk of wanting to hit her (ok, you haven't but what an odd thing to say), have lost it and shouted at her twice and talk of threatening to fire the helpers on the bus. In the UK, you would have to negotiate these things politely and without that power relationship, even if they upset you a lot and they were in the wrong! (e.g. if your child travelled on a school bus in the UK).

I have worked as a childcarer for a child whose parents couldn't get him to do his extra work, they got cross at me for not being able to do something they couldn't do themselves. Making him hold a pencil could take half an hour and lots of tears. This is something much better done by a professional in a classroom or separate tutoring context.

You are also expecting a lot of a 6/7 yer old, I find my 6 year old can't read every single day as she is exhausted after a long school day. To do that, plus say 45 min of spellings, maths and writing is TOO MUCH.

You are making yourself ill over a challenge you have set yourself. Try to ease up a bit on everyone, your husband (after a 90 min commute, if my partner insisted I do reading with my children, I would go bonkers, it's up to them to sort it out), your maid/housekeeper/nanny/tutor (who is both poor, why else would she be living with a shouty lady away from her family?) and your son who is tired out and needs to relax a bit after the school day, at least a couple of days a week.

I feel for you, but I also second what Mumsyblouse has just said, it is unrealistic to expect your maid to do housework, and then become the tutor. The balance of power is too difficult for her , especially if you admit you know your son can be difficult about learning.

Could you not get an au-pair just to help out with a bit of housework and before/after school care? Either hire a tutor for the extra work, or dare I say it, ditch the extra tuition altogether. So what if he is behind when he comes to the UK? His new school will have seen it all before, often children arrive in this country not being able to speak any English, the schools work with them and they catch up (in most cases astonishingly quickly) I would worry about that when you eventually do come back, as by then you would have had the baby and be in a better condition to help him yourself. Get your husband to back off with the projecting of his own aspirations. Nothing worse than a Dad who sets high standards for his child then can't be arsed to actually spend any time with him.

You want to punch her in the face? Totally shocked at that statement and it is totally OTT because she struggles to force your child to do extra school work every day after school? Wow

Why not let the 7 year old enjoy his childhood in the school year he feels comfortable in? he probably is picking up on the stress. Why not have a day were he doesn't have to do any extra... Like fun Friday or something, where the nanny (note nanny not teacher) can take him out somewhere enjoyable.

Then the other days she can say, DS if you don't finish these spellings we can't do fun Friday etc?

I just feel 7 is so young and all this extra work and pressure seems a bit much. It's
Not his fault he is in a lower year group and why not just accept that and love that he doesn't struggle instead of constantly fighting to 'better' him? It's not a competition to get him up to his age peer group...

he is only 7

Funnily enough I manage to remain authoritative while mopping the floor

When I read this thread what sticks in my mind (also as an ex pat, though in a totally different situation - but children don't start school til age 6 or 7 here, and if we moved back to the UK when Ds1 was 6, for example, he would have missed 2 years of school) - what sticks out in my mind is you are worrying about what will happen IF we go back to the UK if it is an IF, not something that is going to happen in 6 months or a year's time, is it really worth the huge stress it is putting on everybody to worry about it now? Given all your circumstances wouldn't it be better for everyone concerned to stop asking your son to do the extra work, and worry about catching him up if a UK move does come up?

Now just doesn't seem to be the time to be stressing about keeping your ds's school work on a level with his UK peers, seeing as you are not moving back imminently, he is doing fine in the school he is now in, and making him do work just in case of a purely theoretical move at an unspecified time in the future is possibly not really sustainable - if it's 5 years til you move will he still be doing extra work on top of school and homework for the next 5 years?

If we ever move back to the UK I will catch the kids up as appropriate if necessary then, at the time and they will have the motivation of knowing a move is imminent rather than theoretical.

Just wanted to point oput that perhaps this doesn't have to be dealt with now at all, esp as the nanny is a good nanny, just not a good tutor, and you need a nanny/ household helper given you are on bedrest.

All the very best with your pregnancy

I don't agree that 40 minutes is "not much" homework for a 7 year old. I struggle to get my 8 year old to do about 15 minutes per day, really struggle, and I am his mum with natural authority over him.

My ds has always been very trying when it comes to doing his spellings. I found a spelling app for the iPad, which involves getting the child to type in the spellings, record themselves saying the words & then test themselves. I can't remember what it's called but ds's spellings are no longer an ordeal in this household. Just a thought.
With respect to the nanny, I think that changing her formal job description and amending her pay accordingly is probably the best solution in the short term.

I think your health issues are perhaps clouding your judgement. This nanny/teacher quite clearly isn't up to fulfilling the job description you employed her to do. Where was she a teacher - do you have any independent corroboration and references ? It can mean different things in different cultures. Even in a downgraded role coudl you trust her not to take advantage ? Within your contract you should have a probationary period and disciplinary/dismissal procedure which usually works in favour of the employer in countries involving sponsorship. If your dh is not in a position to relieve you of the day to day problems he needs to employ an agency who can supply a cleaner etc in the interim and maybe you could share the nanny/au pair of another family to help with school runs and after school. How far is the bus stop, in many countries a 6/7yo would walk themselves to school/bus and yes he should be doing up his own seatbelt - ds did at 4 on his !

I'm not clear, is your ds actually a year older than his class or is it the two systems which are a year out of synch ? If the latter try not to worry as if you were to move back it would be taken into account and you could get additional support to address any gaps then. Putting additional workload on him, isn't necessary yet and he may play up more while you are unwell. As long as he continues to leanr in his current class he wonlt "flounder". However agree you could enlist the school's help , or maybe ask one of the TA's who he trusts to do some 1-1 in your home if there are specific basics that need reinforcing.

Hope you can rest easier soon.