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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to hold their babies

81 replies

Debsbear · 13/03/2012 14:42

I have five kids of my own and I love them all dearly. When they were small I would sit and nurse them all day long (given the opportunity) and watch every expression flicker across their faces. I woud sit by their bedside when they were sleeping just amazed at how beautiful they were. Now, I feel like I've been typecast as a "babylover" and whenever anyone has a baby I hear the dreaded " Oh Deb will nurse him for you, she LOVES babies". I'm sorry, but I don't actually LOVE babies, I love MY babies and to me there is a huge difference. I am more than happy to help out in any way I can, I will babysit quite competently and will hold a baby so Mummy can go and change toddlers nappy or whatever job is calling, but please don't run away with the idea that I can think of no more pleasurable way of spending my afternoon than cuddling your baby just because he's there.

OP posts:

Sidge · 13/03/2012 20:54

Oh see I love holding other people's babies - I got to cuddle a 7 week old today, one of twins and it was lovely because I could give her back!

The bonus of other people's babies is you don't have to put up with them 24/7 like you do with your own

FootprintsInTheSnow · 13/03/2012 21:03

I think the problem is that my own tiny babies breastfed constantly .... if there was even a squeak of a break I'd leg it to the loo/ get tea etc. I feel a bit gormless just holding a baby. I fear one day I'll forget myself and slip someone else's baby the boob!

plutocrap · 13/03/2012 21:17

It must be a generational thing. But hormones are involved, too, which is a bad mix. My mother, MIL and aunt are all quite grabby about babies, and it drives my possessive hormones a bit crazy. I know it's mean, but it just drives me wild to smell someone else's spittle on my DCs' heads, from when someone has been kissing them. I am having difficulty containing myself at the moment!

I've never been grabby about others' babies myself, but this just makes me more determined to leave other people's babies alone and not grab them off the mothers!

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 13/03/2012 21:30

I yearn to hold a baby, any baby! My Dcs are 16 and 13. There are no babies in the family and I am so broody all the time that I sometimes want to cry. You can send me all the children that you don't want to look after and I'll happily oblige!

TattyDevine · 13/03/2012 21:34

YANBU

I quite like babies but I have been miffed a few times at my friend, who's baby was born on the same day as mine. We'd meet up at someones house as a group and I'd make various efforts to get my baby settled under a playgym or asleep in her carseat (sue me) etc so I could have coffee and cake, and she'd see my hands/lap free and say "here, hold this" so she could go to the toilet/do something with older child etc and then wouldn't take her back! I'd have to physically hand her back and feel like a bitch doing so. Gah!

ZuzuBailey · 13/03/2012 21:36

I hate babies in the office. I never hold them - I'm too scared I'll drop them on the desk or they'll be sick on me. I've had three of my own but I never know what to say to other people's babies either.

MissPenteuth · 13/03/2012 21:38

I loved holding DD as a baby and I love thenidea of holding other people's babies, but in reality I feel awkward and self-conscious and terrified of dropping or hurting them.

exoticfruits · 13/03/2012 22:03

I have loved holding babies since a DC. The only difference is that I am pleased to hand them back, and I no longer want one of my own!

shreddedmum · 13/03/2012 22:10

YANBU I hate holding babies! no no I don't HATE it, but I try to avoid it and cringe/panic slightly when one is thrust into my arms. It's never blissful like holding my own is, other people's babies are more squirmy or alarmingly limp and I don't like it!

Also hate the whole bringing baby into work thing

Its not really appropriate where I work
If you're that close to your colleagues, then surely you'll catch up with them outside of work at some point during mat leave, so why come in to make the ones you're not friendly enough with to see for a year do fakey "oooo isn't he/she bonnie!" coos?

and while I'm on one, the birth stories (long and un edited) sent to the whole department? is it just because it's a female dominated environment and does that happen in more mixed work places?

Bewilderedmum · 13/03/2012 22:23

When I was pregnant with Ds1, my mum was very sceptical (although she didn't admit it until after the event). This was apparently based my inability to 'coo' over babies. I remember sitting in a cafe with my mum when I was 8 months pregnant with ds1, and mum practically shrieking "LOOK LOOK! there's a baby! Look! You're going to have one soon too! Isn't it SWEET!!" and me thinking WTF? Just WTF?

I always knew that I would love my own like nothing on earth - and I did! :o They were absolutely fascinating - I spent ages watching their faces, expressions, and the way they would inadvertently stick their fingers up their noses and then look all outraged at me....

But mum was quite worried, as she thought I wasn't 'maternal'.

Am still not maternal with other people's small babies - I might drop 'em, or they might pick up on my ambivalence and wail at me...

But of course, my own were gorgeous :o

Oh - and as I'm writing this post, Ds1 (14) is hovering over my shoulder being the grammar police - Oh do shut up Ds1!

Bewilderedmum · 13/03/2012 22:24

And go to bed! and stop hovering!

TheSmallClanger · 13/03/2012 22:29

I prefer not to hold. I'll have a silly one-sided chat with a baby, or tickle their feet (baby feet are quite nice compared to feet generally), but I don't want to do the whole holding thing. YANBU.

DD is the same but worse. She really doesn't like small children very much. I'm never sure how to deal with it.

BagofHolly · 13/03/2012 22:48

Yanbu. I have three v young children and deal with sick, poo, wee and snot on an hourly basis. I took all three to a friend's (singleton) first birthday party and ended up having to hold the birthday baby whilst mine played on the floor. I also have the "loves babies" label. I do, mine, n

kickingking · 13/03/2012 22:51

I like children - chatting to them, etc. - but other people's babies bore me

Meglet · 13/03/2012 22:54

I'm quite fond of other peoples babies / children.

They don't yell / hit / ignore me / run off unlike my own DC's. They actually talk to me nicely too!

G1nger · 13/03/2012 23:13

People like me take out babies into the office because we think of people there as our friends. As for you grumpy bloody lot ... ;)

Meglet · 13/03/2012 23:19

I love office babies. I've managed to type one handed and hold a sitting baby at the same time .

virgil · 13/03/2012 23:23

I have mastered the art of the pretend telephone conversation the minute I hear a colleague with a baby coming anywhere near. Love my own to bits but definitely don't want anyone else's there are even some family babies I'd rather not hold

weedonleg · 14/03/2012 07:38

I never liked holding other peoples babies before I had my own. I always felt like my maternal skills were being scrutinised. I still don't like doing it, although now I've had my own I'm more skilled and at least am no longer worried about the technical side of things (where to tuck the legs, angle to hold the head etc). I just find it boring, and judging from this thread lots of other people do too.

I have one friend who always says 'do you want a go?' as if it's some kind of fairground ride!

If someone wants to hold your baby they will ask you. Asking someone if they want to hold your baby is a definite no - they can hardly refuse without looking like a child-hater, and it can cause huge anxiety and upset if they have infertility issues, or think people are looking at them with pitying 'sue in the office who never had her own children' eyes (when invariably someone will comment 'ooh, you're a natural!'). Same goes for assuming if you already have a child you must want to hold a baby - infertility can affect people with one, two, or eight children, and having a newborn thrust in your arms if it hasn't been requested is insensitive.

nickelhasababy · 14/03/2012 10:40

the problem with other people wanting to hold your baby (this now being the reverse problem of the op) is that they don't give them back!
i have this problem a lot - they hold her, she gets grizzly after a few minutes (or just i want her back) and i have to work out how to get her back without it looking like i'm telling that person they're upsetting her (which they're normally not, but prob hungry), especially when that person starts making comments about her trying to nuzzle into their chest and don't make the connection that maybe that means that you should hand her back to the cow that makes the milk

Thatisnotitatall · 14/03/2012 10:46

I'm with Plutocrap - not that desperate to hold other people's babies, HATED other people holding mine when they were newborn or even up to sitting independently/ crawling, (aside from dh).

Molehillmountain · 14/03/2012 11:37

I hand over my baby for cuddles with others for practical reasons-any fringe benefit for them is purely coincidental .

ViolaCrayola · 14/03/2012 11:44

Well, YANBU to feel like that. But I don't feel like that at all.

I love holding friends' babies, if they are happy for me to. I usually find that they are, as they can get on with something else/have a hot cup of tea/deal with their toddler for a few minutes. Babies are lovely - obviously mine are especially lovely, to me, but they are all tiny and soft and nice smelling and beautiful in their own way.

Celestia · 14/03/2012 12:44

Holding other people's babies makes my arm ache. Never got that with my own!

Original poster

Debsbear · 14/03/2012 13:40

Thank you, I feel much better knowing that I'm not alone. It's the whole inference that they are doing you a favour by allowing you to hold their baby that gets me. If I want to hold them I'll ask, if you want me to help out then you can ask, and if either of us thinks that we would be doing the other a favour then just offer.

OP posts:

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