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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that asking for money ...

91 replies

Happychappie · 13/03/2012 13:21

... as a wedding present is just unbelievable!! They do not want any presents - only to share their day ... but if we insist on a gift, 'what we'd really like is a gift of money'. Is it me or do people think that this is a bit of a cheek!

OP posts:

TimothyClaypoleLover · 13/03/2012 15:53

DH and I had lived together for 13 years before getting married so didn't need anything and we put on our invites that we didn't want anything at all. Some relatives still gave us money but we never asked for it.

DH's sister got married last year and specifically asked for money. I don't like the idea of asking for money but am not overly offended by it. Can't stand the crap poems that accompany the request. What actually offended me though was day after wedding inlaws were all sat round counting up the cash, slagging off guests that only gave a small amount and telling us we were fools not to ask for money because DH's sister had got X amount and we got nothing. Now that was vile and grabby.

Katiepoes · 13/03/2012 15:57

It's this strange world guests of British weddings live in. We all know you give gifts to couples getting married, we've all done it and many of us have received them. Under no circumstances though must anyone suggest that if you are giving them a gift they would like XYZ. Oh no dear me no, all this must go on under the radar like it was IN MY DAY when you loved your SodaStream and glass ashtrays and yogurt sprouter thing.

So what happens? You give the money and bitch about it, or buy some gammy old piece of 'giftware' to demonstrate your opinion of their crassness. Now they're married and cackling over their gains you can look forward to the (ominous drum roll...) BABY SHOWER....

Adversecamber · 13/03/2012 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveHandles88 · 13/03/2012 16:02

Why is it a problem people knowing what you spent? We were just grateful for people coming and sharing the day. I didn't expect anything from anyone, just asked that if they planned on buying a present, money would be much more appreciated. I would never judge someone on how much they spent on any present for any occasion. People spend what they can afford.
I'd much rather give money. Not only is it more likely to be appreciated, but it saves me the hassle of going shopping for something that is likely to end up in a loft.

LoveHandles88 · 13/03/2012 16:54

Any time they might need it Kitchentiles. If people asked me for money for their birthday or Christmas, I would not have a problem with that either Happychappie. How is it that so many people are so offended by the whole idea.

molly3478 · 13/03/2012 17:24

Why get someone a lot of crap they dont want? I fyou give them money then they can get something they actually like and the vast majority of people already have all the home gear before they are married. I really dont understand why this is a problem

molly3478 · 13/03/2012 17:27

Also no one ever gives as much as it costs the person to invite you. Most people I know give 20 quid or something but it is usually more than that for a couple to be invited so its hardly grasping imo

marshmallowpies · 13/03/2012 17:39

Hmm...every time this topic comes up, I feel a bit 50/50 about it. It's all down to the tone...if it comes across as vulgar and grasping, (especially if there is a cutesy poem) then it IS.

If it's worded in such a way that you know no offence will be taken if you choose not to give money, or that they have genuine & valid reasons for making their choice, I'd say it's fair enough.

E.g. my friend got married recently for the second time after a very painful end to her first marriage which left her devastated. She has lifelong health issues and is on medication permanently, and works very hard to afford the modest home which she and her new husband are doing up together - she is in her mid-30's so she already owns all the usual wedding present items.

So they asked for money towards a holiday of a lifetime honeymoon which they would never otherwise be able to afford. To have her lumped in with the 'vulgar and grasping' people who write silly poems is just not fair, I feel.

kitbit · 13/03/2012 18:52

Friend of mine asked for plants for her garden. Now she has a garden full of stuff that her loved ones gave her and it's double the pleasure for not much £££.

Unless Puss wees on Auntie Doodah's peonies and kills them....

marshmallowpies · 13/03/2012 19:47

Kitbit - I would have asked for plants or garden vouchers as my garden is my no 1 favourite thing in the world, and I love the idea of my wedding memories being tied up in lovely growing green things...but we probably won't be living in this house forever, so I'd feel sad having to leave them.

I did get given garden vouchers by 1 relative who knows I have green fingers, but am going to spend them on planters and pots so they are things I can take with me when we eventually go...

wafflingworrier · 13/03/2012 20:18

we set up a gift list with oxfam unwrapped, so ppl could still give us "things" when we donated. for each thing they bought-eg a toilet to be built in africa/training a midwife/a goat, we got sent a card with a photo on. i made a collage of them all and it is now framed on our wall, i look at it and am SO happy we asked for charity donations :) and because ppl could specify what "thing" the donation went towards it still felt personal, plus the gifts were from £5 so didnt cost too much
www.oxfam.org.uk/shop/content/weddings/wedding-lists.html

featherbag · 13/03/2012 20:24

FFS, really? Again?

FilterCoffee · 13/03/2012 20:40

YANBU. If you already have a toaster/kettle etc. then include other things on your list.

Spa treatment, National Trust membership, wine, garden trees/plants, gym membership, chocolate, DVDs, charity donations, or donations to the church roof/windows/organ if a church wedding, or donations to something in the local community where the couple will be living.

Any of the above would be much nicer (and better manners) than just requesting money. And only send lists to those who ask for it - too presumptious to send them out with invitations.

CHT · 13/03/2012 20:50

Take them at their word and give nothing if it offends you that much. Or give a present anyway, if you know them well enough to be sure they will genuinely appreciate it. Or give them what they really would like and give money. Your choice, not worth getting worked up over, compared to the twee notes about no kids, expensive hen / stag dos (on the same weekend, which is a bloody pain for childcare), etc etc, which are the sort of things that annoy me more!

HappyMummyOfOne · 14/03/2012 07:24

I hate invites asking for money, they may as well just charge an entry fee. If they would like a pot of money, then they need to save themselves or cut back on the wedding rather than be so grasping.

Weddings are getting more OOT though. It is supposed to be about the joining of two people but now most are about how much can be spent on the day and how to maximise the most money/honeymoon/presents from the guests.

If couples have everything they need as they already live together, then they could ask for small things if people ASK for ideas like plants, picture frames, memory box etc.

valiumredhead · 14/03/2012 08:22

Filter Oh God, I can just imagine that thread 'AIBU to pay for a spa treatment!'

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