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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that asking for money ...

91 replies

Happychappie · 13/03/2012 13:21

... as a wedding present is just unbelievable!! They do not want any presents - only to share their day ... but if we insist on a gift, 'what we'd really like is a gift of money'. Is it me or do people think that this is a bit of a cheek!

OP posts:

ComposHat · 13/03/2012 14:03

Are you teaching the grasping vulgarians a lesson?

Yes, don't be so bloody rude. A wedding shouldn't be pay per view.

wineandroses · 13/03/2012 14:04

The invites to the last 3 weddings we've attended have asked for money (usually along the lines of "we don't need gifts, just the gift of your presence on our special day....but if you want to contribute to our honeymoon (one couple specified euros) we'd be soooo grateful."). All three couples were older, fairly well-off (in one case, very well-off) and clearly didn't need anything for their houses. To me it was a bit grasping, and having the bridesmaids walking around asking people for their envelopes was very vulgar. If you don't need/want gifts, why not either tell people that you genuinely don't want gifts, or ask them to make a donation to a charity?

ReebleBauble · 13/03/2012 14:05

I think asking for any wedding presents is greedy... but I currently have a gift list at John Lewis for our wedding in June. I dont want it, I dont agree with it but DP's family are very tradtional and all the old birds and having apopoleptic fits over what to buy us. Apparently 'nothing' isnt acceptable. I've already been married once so asking AGAIN is incredibly rude to me.

Ive just told my side of the family and friends to ignore the gift list.

Kitchentiles · 13/03/2012 14:06

For those who are using the argument 'we lived together already so didn't need the house stuff', my answer would be then you don't need any gifts and say no thanks. You don't ask for money instead.

Name me one other scenario where it is acceptable for fully- grown, financially-independent adults to ask for money from other people.

FluffyBunnyWunnyMummyKins · 13/03/2012 14:07

I'm getting married next year and am aware this is a minefield.

Suggesting money is vile.
Having a giftlist is vile (and we don't need anything anyway)
Not specifying anything is unhelpful.

So it's best to err on the side of unhelpful rather than vile, yes?

All the weddings we have been to lately suggested money and we gave it without really thinking about it so I think it's acceptable in our social circle but I know there would be a few people who thought it rude. What to do?

redexpat · 13/03/2012 14:09

This old chestnut.

Try reading the invitation again. They have said that they don't want any presents. This means they have no space, and everything material that they need. It says quite clearly "if you insist on a gift". You, not them.

ComposHat · 13/03/2012 14:09

Not sure how I feel about vouchers though.

I have bought them for people in the past, as it has tended to be for homeware places like John Lewis, IKEA etc.

Original poster

Happychappie · 13/03/2012 14:10

Receiving rubbish presents don't just apply to weddings though, do they. Should we all just ask for money for birthdays, and Christmas in case we receive something we don't like?

OP posts:

TheCountessOlenska · 13/03/2012 14:11

I didn't specify and received a lovely mixture of presents, cash and vouchers.

Original poster

Happychappie · 13/03/2012 14:13

Yes redexpat, I know the I don't have to, but the option of money is still very vulgar indeed, imo!

OP posts:

ComposHat · 13/03/2012 14:17

and having the bridesmaids walking around asking people for their envelopes was very vulgar

That is beyond the pale. I would have been tempted to smile sweetly at the bridesmaid and hand over an envelope with a cheque sized piece of paper enclosed with 'fuck off you pair of greedy cunts' written on it.

FluffyBunnyWunnyMummyKins · 13/03/2012 14:18

Thanks Countess I think that's what we'll do.
Don't want anyone to feel obliged to spend money on us, we are the ones who are supposed to be treating them for the day, after all! I'm finding out that weddings are full of little awkwardnesses!

mummakaz · 13/03/2012 14:20

Sounds like my brothers wedding invitation with the same poem.....It's true though they have all their pots and pans etc and I would rather give them money so they could spend it on what they want. The money everyone is giving is going towards a honeymoon for them. I personally don't have a problem with it....

lollilou · 13/03/2012 14:21

For fucks sake I am sick of this subject being posted over and over again. Give money or don't, go to the wedding or don't, there are soo many more important issues to discuss surely.

GavisconJunkie · 13/03/2012 14:23

Another one so soon? Really? Grasping & vile? Practical & honest? I honestly couldn't give a fuck & if you do then you're strange. If it bothers you that much, don't go or go & give them nothing.

YABU

AWimbaWay · 13/03/2012 14:24

I probably see it a bit differently as I have been to many Italian weddings where it is traditional to give money, the bride does a dance and the guests go and pin money to her dress. It's the same in a quite a few countries, I think the Oh it's so vulgar stance is very british.

blackteaplease · 13/03/2012 14:25

Seriously, there is nothing wrong with asking for money. Don't give any if you feel that strongly about it.

I usually give money, or if there is a gift list vouchers for the shops because I am usually too late to get anything decent off the list.

Kayzr · 13/03/2012 14:25

We have told people to give us money if they want too. We didn't put anything in the invites about gifts or money as we don't need anything for the house.

Everyone we have invited emailed or rang to ask what we wanted. We said nothing, but they insisted we have to have something. So we have said money, a gift of their chosing or donate money to a charity.

You can't win.

TwllBach · 13/03/2012 14:27

Surely if they ask nicely, then it isn't a big deal? DP and I are desperate to get married - if we can afford to we will be doing it for less than £1,000. We genuinely don't want presents, we have been living together for five years and, while there are things we might want, there is nothing that we need as we aren't setting up home together.

Some people want to be seen to be 'gifting' something though. I'm not talking about friends really, more family like my grandparents and parents, aunts uncles etc. I don't want them to feel like they have to buy me something - the fact that they came would be enough for me. However, I would rather they slip a fiver/tenner in a card than they fork out for something 'special' that may well cost them more than that.

TwllBach · 13/03/2012 14:29

*the reason I said we would do it for less than £1,000 was because the OP said this somewhere upthread -

"If people would rather have/need the money then why do so many people spend an absolute fortune on their wedding? It is only for one day ..."

ComposHat · 13/03/2012 14:30

I think the Oh it's so vulgar stance is very british

Yes it probably is and nothing wrong with that.

But if it is a British couple marrying in Britain, then they should be aware of and sensitive to these cultural norms and understand it may get some people's backs up.

ifancyashandy · 13/03/2012 14:31

If you don't need anything but people want to give you a gift, then name a charity for donations.

Kayzr · 13/03/2012 14:32

I would also rather give money. I never know what to pick off a list.

Kayzr · 13/03/2012 14:34

ifancyashandy that is what we were going to do but after asking on here, most people that answered my thread said that they would hate to donate to a charity picked by someone else in case they didn't agree with the picked charity.

AWimbaWay · 13/03/2012 14:35

If telling someone 'we don't want a gift', then when pressed saying 'well perhaps some money then' gets their back up then to be honest they are friends I can do without. And from your point of view they can probably do without me too, so everyone's a winner.

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