to think that asking for money ...

[Happychappie]

... as a wedding present is just unbelievable!! They do not want any presents - only to share their day ... but if we insist on a gift, 'what we'd really like is a gift of money'. Is it me or do people think that this is a bit of a cheek!

When people rang me up to ask I just said "towels".

My partner and I are having a civil ceremony in September, small do (50 guests max, probably closer to 40), registry office, bistro-type meal after, then back to our place after that for anyone who fancies it, bit of a buffet in the evening (catering by us, plonk from Aldi :o ).

We genuinely Do Not Want anything from anyone, gift-wise. A few people who meant a lot to us have been so negative about our same-sex relationship that we are just so happy that there are (relatively) so many lovely people who are happy for us and who want to spend the day with us. That truly is present enough for us.

Yet still one of them has seen fit to sit us down and explain that people WILL want to give a gift, that we will be making them feel uncomfortable if we don't indicate what we would like, and has offered to 'co-ordinate' the money-collecting if we would just say what we would like people to contribute to. We're going to ask for donations to a couple of charities.

I got married last year.
I did want presents.
We had a gift list.
We still got money, vouchers, things we didn't ask for.
Everything was greatly appreciated and non were hideous

eh?

what sort of people do you lot hang about with?

i've NEVER been to a wedding where the bride/groom ASKED for cash (and DH and I have had 5 weddings between us ) it's customary to gift at a wedding, hence the wedding GIFT list, so GIFT them some cash ya bunch of tight wads.

27 toasters and 3 kettles is NOT a gift, it's a waste of your own money.

We didn't want to have a gift list, but we devised 2 seperate lists (1 for each mother - with both getting a copy of each just told to only suggest from their own). These were things that we needed/liked or would otherwise appreciate. It included the name of the type of china we'd been forced into by engagement presents chosen, so that people could buy a place setting or a serving bowl to match. It was our first house.

By doing this, both Mum's were satisfied that they could make suggestions to various well meaning aunts, cousins etc. But there was no demand for anything from anyone. Lots of people gave us money. We only got 1 toaster (although 1 electric and 2 stovetop steamers!!), and it DID seem to be the "year of the towels and bedside lamps". :) But we also got some lovely things like an African batic, a handmade ribbon embroidery, some lovely glassware and enough dinner settings for 10. (Large family and a few years ago when people had more money).

Also - there were lots of things we hadn't thought of. Like - we used one voucher on a superking duvet (great idea for sleep purposes) but never realised it needed very expensive covers as they weren't common here so only available in the extremely posh linen brands. And now I realise that an electric blanket would be a GREAT investment (as well, not instead of).

I tend to try and think of the couple's likes in terms of something arty or else something practical that I know they need, or else give money.

Then I'd give a choice of charities!

My brother says he is buying us a toaster. I will throw it at him, we've only just got a new one.

AWimbaWay they do that in Greece too don't they? I went to a friends wedding and her DH is Greek and his family all pinned money to her dress. We were all quite amused by it as had never seen or heard of it before.

Depends on how its asked. We got married 3 years ago and had accumulated enough 'goods' to not need anything physical, but we had just bought our first house which was in a right state and the entire place needed rewiring. So we asked for money to go towards our rewiring job. No vomit-inducing poem though! Some relatives obviously took offence and gave us vouchers (for shops we never shop in lol) but thats the way it goes. Would this have offending you? Why do people get so funny about money?

*offended, not offending. doh.

Yes I am totally against this sort of thing....or thought I was...until my cousin asked for vouchers towards their honeymoon which I was more than happy to contribute to.

At my wedding we didn't ask for a thing (we didn't want people opening their invites, being glad to be invited and then seeing a request for a gift or whatever)...but people insisted on giving us something and rang up to ask what they could give...and we said John Lewis vouchers would be useful as we were planning to move in the future etc (people like to know you are doing something constructive with what they give you).

Everyone...without exception gave us something...mostly vouchers and money...and also some other things like photo frames or candle sticks. All very gratefully received.

Asking for cash is disgusting. Vouchers fine, payment towards a large item or rewiring is fine. Cash is not. It's just not.

We gave cash to a couple and didn't even get a thank you! Says it all really. Neither did we get a thank you for their DCs birthday gift. They are probably on the z list for our wedding, ie, will not be coming unless we win the lottery!

I always give people money, it doesn't bother me and I don't really see it as any different from a gift list. I think most people have enough unwanted stuff knocking about.

Actually I've been to a wedding recently where the cheapest item on the 'gift list' was £30! In my opinion that's much worse than asking for money - at least then you get to pick how much you want to give!

We're struggling with this one. We live together, we're both in our 30s and have been living independently for years, so we don't really need anything, but a lot of the stuff we have has been inherited from family members who were chucking it out, so it's functional but old and tatty. It would be nice to replace e.g. the chipped, cracked cereal bowls with a nice matching set, or the threadbare towels that Mum had for her first wedding, but as we've got bowls and towels it seems cheeky to ask.

I feel very awkward about asking for money, even though friends have said they'd rather give us money than bowls and towels. We would save it for the New House we hope to move to soon, and (fingers crossed) baby stuff - we'll be ttc after the wedding.

But, I know that both our families will want to give us a present of some sort, because that's the tradition at weddings, as at Christmas, birthdays and other celebrations. We don't want 13 toasters and a Lladro ornament. So, I think we will go down the John Lewis list route.

It's another wedding dilemma, and I doubt if any bride wants to offend her friends and family. If you object to what's being asked for, don't give a gift. They probably won't notice.

I'm getting married soon and the many wedding-bashing threads on MN get me down, because it seems like whatever you do, someone will be self-righteously offended by it. The most awful aspect is that a lot of people who post on these threads seem to almost hate the bride and groom whose wedding they are attending (comments like: "I would have been tempted to smile sweetly at the bridesmaid and hand over an envelope with a cheque sized piece of paper enclosed with 'fuck off you pair of greedy cunts' written on it".)

I live in a country where giving money is so standard and not a big deal that a lot of people include a bank account number on their wedding invitation. It doesn't make them grasping. It is an acknowledgement of the fact that people want to and expect to give them a gift to mark the occasion and it is acceptable to everyone if this is money, though it doesn't have to be.

FWIW we didn't do this and only on the urging of friends and family did we set up a modest gift list, which is already pretty much cleared out, as buying off it clearly suits people. If other people choose to give us personal gifts (some will) that will be lovely. If they choose to give us money, that will also be gratefully received, as we could really use it on our house, which needs quite a bit of work. If they give us nothing, that's fine too. We made it perfectly clear we don't expect anything - people are travelling to attend this wedding as it is.

I have been to many weddings of dear friends and family of DP and myself. I have travelled to a lot of them and have still always wanted to give a present as well. That's true of most people. If money was what suited the bride and groom, well it's not a problem for me and I fail to see why it should be really. It's convenient for the giver too: easier than trying to recall the colour scheme in their living room and assess whether they might like that lamp to fit in with it or not.

"I'm getting married soon and the many wedding-bashing threads on MN get me down, because it seems like whatever you do, someone will be self-righteously offended by it."

This. Ask for gifts/say you don't want gifts/ask for money/don't ask for money/ask for donations towards something... I've seen more than one poster offended by every one of those things.

It does make me a little sad because I now wonder, whatever we do at our wedding, whether I will be offending someone and they will bitch about me behind my back.

You like them presumably? Why so firmly against giving them what they want?

If you don't like them then don't go. If you'd rather buy a gift then buy a gift.

If you'd rather re-gift some tat you've been given or something you've picked up dirt cheap then do it.

I feel sorry for brides and grooms nowadays

They don't need 'friends' like you. They did not ask, they said if you insist after saying they wanted nothing. Don't go and leave them to their day.

perfectly sensible if you ask me, i dont like the whole wedding list thing, but a fiver in a card is fine by me

We got money at our wedding. Anyone who has seen the wedding scene at the beginning of The Godfather will know what I mean. So sorry but I can't get too worked up about the bride/groom asking for money.

That aside, the OP doesn't state what the bride and groom's financial situation is. My friend got married a few years ago and she asked relatives (as opposed to friends) for money. Putting on the wedding took up all their savings and they preferred to have the money to do up their new house rather than being broke but being in the proud possession of 15 toasters or ornaments they hate or don't go with their other stuff.

And as it has been made clear in the other thread, having a Wish List is soooo rude :o

DH and I got married 17 years ago. We did not have a wedding gift list, we did not ask for money or vouchers.
We were given a mix of all three. All were very gratefully received and a Thank You letter was written soon after.
If things have changed so drastically in less than 20 years, I'm glad I'm not getting married now.

I don't get why "asking for vouchers is fine" but money is not?
Both are used to buy something the couple want, in both cases the couple knows how much you have spent. In fact if they're using a wedding list they could (if they wanted to) know how much you had spent.

Ridiculous to get so wound up about it.

If they are friends (or family that you like) and you want to wish them well in their married life and can afford to, give them a present/voucher/cash.

If you can't afford it, don't.

If you don't like them, don't.

If they have really worded the invitation in a grasping, vile manner, reconsider whether you still like them!

The OP's invitation didn't seem graspingly worded, are you easily offended OP?

I prefer to give money rather than stress looking for a nice vase or some shite that the bride and groom don't need.
Any party, gathering ect i go to i bring a gift for the hosts and would be considered very rude turning up empty handed, why should going to a wedding be any different?

DH is Italian...and it seems customary to give money at Italian weddings.

Absolutely. Do people seriously think that wedding gifts are optional when you take wine or flowers to dinner parties etc?