Tightness to this extent is really unattractive?

[Bluebell99]

I have a friend who is unbelievably tight. She is so thrifty it's embarrassing, and I say that as someone who likes charity shops and saving money! She came to my gym the other day on my guest pass, so a free day out to her. She arrived early and ordered coffee but didn't pay for it! I just think that is so cheeky and reflects badly in me. Members get reduced rate coffee but not free. It's not that she can't afford stuff either. Her mil is paying for her family to go on a dream holiday and she was bleating on that her mil has said they will have to buy the food.

So, back to the main topic...

I also have this issue with my (close) relatives, who are really really mean with money. They bought my DC some clothes from Tesco for their first birthday present. Nothing wrong with that, but Tesco Value ??!
The lights are always switched off, even if you leave the room for a second, annoying and dangerous as DC isn't tall enough to turn them back on. Food provided is as cheap (and nasty) as it's possible to get - and tastes it. It's embarrassing and v annoying, I prefer to host them at mine!
And no, I'm not rich, but I do work and I do my best to juggle financially. These relatives have at least 3 holidays per year. I do not.

I hate meanness. Thrifty, careful - yes...but only when it's for you and things you are buying, you can't buy friendship and family, but when you have them you shouldn't scrimp on spending.

Pusheed, you are without doubt quite hilariously oblivious to yourself! I've enjoyed your posts hugely on this thread. I doubt anyone would have considered your original moan about paying for the theatre tickets as stealth boasting - theatre trip is a normal enough activity. Your relative sounds like an unashamed blagger and I'd say you are spot on to complain.
However you blew it when you started repeatedly comparing your wealth with his, you sounded sneering when you said you could guess his salary because he works on the fish counter and that the tickets were just loose change to you. His past behaviour has been out of order, regardless of your money - don't really see the need to bring it up.
You should be proud of your wealth, I'm sure you have worked hard for it but you don't sound like a terribly gracious person. It isn't very classy, in my opinion, to talk the way you have on this thread.

problem is, if you pay for the other person without comment or request for reimbursement, they may understand you are ok with it. It isn't being tight to not want to pay for other adults (all the time) but it's like any behaviour - don't carry on doing it if it is a problem. I find it hard to be patient with people who repeatedly do something but repeatedly moan about it.
Put up or shut up sort of thing.

We once stayed with someone. The first day we went to the beach and I got both families cornish pasties, cartons of fruit salad, ice creams and drinks at lunchtime. Then in the evening we took them out to dinner.

The next day they said we were taking a picnic and not to worry about lunch - when it came to lunch time they got out sandwiches etc. for them and their DCs and there was nothing for us They said "oh we thought you'd be getting pasties again and while you're up there can you get some cans and some ice creams for everyone".

Yes tightness really gets on my nerves - I'm sure an extra few sandwiches and a piece of fruit wouldn't have broken the bank

Wine - Although you can't tell from my posts :) I am not by nature a confrontational person. I would rather never to return to a restaurant than complain about bad food or service. Similarly I would rather avoid a situation than confront a person.

Like I said, if I was a mum complaining about a friend who never picks up the bill for the morning coffee (something most mums can identify with) the conversation here would be totally different.

pusheed i don't think you came across as a twat! your bil has a cheek to just expect you to pay for those things, regardless of your income he is taking you for a ride, its so rude to just assume you will pay! if you offered that is different.
i hate people that just expect you will pay, and take it for granted.

i had a friend like this, not for high value items like tickets just sandwiches, items from corner shop etc, but its not about the price its the attitude and then once i accidently miscalculated the price of some material i was buying for her to sew something (she was going to charge for it, not free) she was so quick to realise 'oh you missed off 1 pound' - then she never even made the item but still kept the material i had given money for!
some people just have no shame. this person also made something else and brought it round to give me, which i did not even want it. then she asked money for it! was so surprised that i just gave her it. (i know, what a mug, should have told her no)

unfortunately if its relatives then you wouldn't be able to just dump them and move on, so must get really annoying them doing again and agin but you should pull him up on it.

Pusheed, please listen! Most of us here (despite possibly earning a fraction of your and your DH's combined incomes) do not see trips to the theatre as la di da. Our objection is your frequent, detailed, comparison of your salaries and lifestyles. If you'd just said "we do earn quite a bit more than them", that wouldn't be seen as objectionable.

Using your "mum in a cafe" analogy, if you'd said "I earn 15 times what she earns and a coffee is loose change for me", then yes, you'd have received as many complaints. If you'd said "I do earn quite a bit more than her, but don't see why I should have to pay every single time", most would agree with you. Do you really not see the difference?

I have known T for about 20 years. Whenever we go out T would want to go somewhere cheap and order the cheapest meal. When the family goes on holiday its to places where they have relatives that will put them up.

Well, T recently told me that they were emigrating to Florida. They had saved up so much money over the years that they qualify for the investors visa program.

When I'm fighting to get onto my commuter train T will be taking it easy 'keeping his eye' on his hotel in Orlando.

One point to the Tight Gits Club :)

at jeggings.

I've had a number of economically unequal relationships/friendships in my time (and am not saying on which side). Strategies which help preserve the emotional equilibrium include:

• The "guest" "sings for his/her supper", by being a pleasant, even charming (if one can) be guest. This includes trying to amuse/entertain and facilitating conversation (think Andrew Marr on Start the Week")

• The guest holds different kinds of parties (house/flat parties are cheaper than days out and dinner), and also tries to amuse, entertain and facilitate. People will happily turn up with their bottle in exchange for the fun of meeting different interesting people.

• "Guest" and "host" can split meals out/ days out so each side contributes his/her "token", e.g. the tickets/ ice creams for the DC solution Pusheed would have preferred

• The "guest" "pays it forward", becoming host in his/her turn, e.g. after graduating/ getting a job/ after his/her parent retire.

My sister is a bit mean but will spend on herself she is a bit younger than me and single but behaves like she is piss poor except if shes having a night out or buying clothes , there is always pennies for clothes

Judging from the threads about Eton & C there are shedloads of MNetters that are earn 15 times my income so only a fool would boast in such company.

I offered up my income to illustrate the point that BIL sees us as rich and that this makes it ok to sponge off us.

I offered up our lifestyle because a poster asked how BIL knows what we earn.

Any tips on dealing with ILs technique of standing mutely at the paying desk of stately home/zoo/theme park/cafe until DH pays for everyone? They do this whether we are staying with them or them us. I don't think they are poor, DH earns well but we are on one salary atm and anyway its the principle!

They stayed with us for the whole of October half term and by the end DH and I were fuming. Surely its not normal to sub your guests for the whole visit?

Pusheed fwiw i dont think you were boasting and you got a hard time , your Brother seems to think its ok to sponge off you and your familiy because he earns less , That isnt right , if somebody is richer then its ok t sponge ? Nah hes taking the piss ,

Sorry, Pusheed, but in your very first post you mentioned that you earn 15x what your BIL does. Noone here has a problem with, but the fact that you repeatedly mentioned it, as well as comments about 'loose change' etc seemed a bit off, IMHO.

Kerala, next time, pay for you, dh and the kids and keep on walking, they'll either pay for themselves or bugger off!

I have myself to blame on this one. I am very generous, if I know that paying for a meal will be a lot for a friend, I say it's my treat - or go somewhere where we can both pay easily. Out with my daughters or parents? They pay for nothing - it's faaaaamly.

BUT

A friend took me for a ride for 5 years, never had change for the taxi, was always going to pay me back, yadiya yadiya. I could go on about the holidays she spent with us, taken out to restaurants and bars. Oh, after owing me £120 from a long weekend in Brussels, she said that it would have been absorbed in the exchange rates and she probably only owed me £50.

Final straw was her promising to go quits on a long weekend in Edinburgh following a festival in Essex. At the end of it all I had spent over £800. "Oooh, I'll pay you back, oooh, give me your bank details, oooh I'll have the money at the end of the month."
Never ever saw that money and then she asked me to act as guarantor for her mortgage. BYEEEEEE

In another thread the OP posted how she didn't want her friend as overnight guests partly because their children would bully hers. She made the mistake of mentioning that the children had behavioural problems. Some MNetters chose to fixate on this latter piece of information as opposed to the subject of unwanted houseguests.

I now know how she feels. Please feel free to fixate on my income as opposed to the main subject :o

Years ago I got talking to a fellow hotel guest in the lobby. When I went to get a latte I offered to get him one. He wanted a tea and I waved off his offer to pay. Later he offered to return the gesture. I asked for another latte. He did a mental calculation and asked for the difference between the tea I bought him and the latte that he was buying me. The difference was about 50p for Gawds Sake.

OP - YANBU. Tightness is a most unattractive trait and, as many people have pointed out on this thread, not related to the amount of wealth people actually have.

I'm gobsmacked at the things that have been described by people on this thread, it's just breath-takingly rude. Why do people put up with it? What are you all getting out of these friendships? (Families are a different matter I know, much harder to ditch a family member!)

Tight people just baffle me. OP if you had invited me to the gym as a guest I would have bought you lunch.

I had a "Mum" mate once who was so embarrassing to go anywhere with that I had to lose her phone number. She would stand and argue over five pence in public places and all she ever talked about was people trying to rip her off. Fine if you are skint, perhaps, because if you take care of the pennies etc

She lives in a house belonging to her alone which has three spare bedrooms and the DP (builder / electrician) is forever doing extensions and improvements. They have DC together but she does not want to marry in case he takes what is hers. She still has her singleton flat rented out. All-inclusive 20K family holidays paid for by him and the poor bloke when she ditches him will have added £££ to the house and have fuck all.

I once walked out of a cheap chain restaurant bar and straight into a cab because my date was fucking well counting out coppers before we even sat down.

It is unattractive. Ive been on both sides of the coin though-had a friend who had a abusive controlling partner, whenever id pop round her electric/gas would of run out...oooh stars could i poss borrow £5 so we can boil the kettle for a cuppa etc, or shed run out of baccy or whatever, we prob had roughly the same income but behind the scenes her money was spent on her dps dope habit and buying impulsive things like buying iguanas or chickens or new parts for her dps car which wasnt even taxed/insured anyway! I felt resentful that i should pay just because i had control over my money and budgeted and she just lived payday to payday blowing her income on shite as above. it got to the point i would leave my wallet at home before visiting, then eventually we drifted apart, prob because she figured id wised up to being a cashcow.

On the other side of the coin, im brassic, lp of 3, depts from exp and run a car too, my dsis and her husband have alot of income, they have no kids, own their own home, had a lavish wedding, eat out alot and take alot of holidays. When they visit i spend the entire time trying to avoid costly situations becuase i cant just decide on a whim to stop at a pub and have lunch with dcs in tow costing £20+, its just not viable on my budget. They often offer to pay but i do hate it as i then feel indebted when i dont want to. One particular visit i ebayed aload of expensive uni textbooks that id finished with, just to pay for a day out at a zoo for us all, i even did a packed lunch for us all but it cost so much still! However despite being skint i never ask for small change ive lent or small things eg a pint of milk for someone and im happy to pay for a cuppa out for a friend but only if its recipricated sometimes!

CreepyWeeBrackets -

'I once walked out of a cheap chain restaurant bar and straight into a cab because my date was fucking well counting out coppers before we even sat down.'

Ha, this made me LOL!

My first boyfriend was lovely, but was the stingiest person i had ever known. He once asked me to pay for my own Valentines Day present and promised to refund me the next day. He was far too comfortable with me paying for
things. I dumped him because of this.
I have a friend whose husband is wealthy, but insists that she shops in Primark and Asda, while he buys clothing from designer shops. An individual can be wealthy but tight , likewise a person can be poor but generous.
RE Pusheed-- Your bil is obviously a sponger and i understand your annoyance. However, i think you do come across as feeling superior. I get the feeling that your self worth is defined by how much money you accumulate.
There is nothing wrong with being wealthy, but it is a mistake to be derogatory about your bil's job.