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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Tightness to this extent is really unattractive?

111 replies

Bluebell99 · 13/03/2012 08:57

I have a friend who is unbelievably tight. She is so thrifty it's embarrassing, and I say that as someone who likes charity shops and saving money! She came to my gym the other day on my guest pass, so a free day out to her. She arrived early and ordered coffee but didn't pay for it! I just think that is so cheeky and reflects badly in me. Members get reduced rate coffee but not free. It's not that she can't afford stuff either. Her mil is paying for her family to go on a dream holiday and she was bleating on that her mil has said they will have to buy the food.

OP posts:

peugotgringo · 13/03/2012 11:16

I have friends who are 'tighter than 2 coats of paint' it's really disheartening.

With one particular fiend friend we got round it on nights/days/trips out by always having a kitty. Everyone starts off by putting the same amount of money in and everything comes out of that!

If the tight arse tries to order cocktails when the rest of us are on halves we just change our order to match her!! She soon stopped and now loves the idea of kitty's!

megapixels · 13/03/2012 11:33

Oh I know someone like this. It's such a coincidence that seconds before the bill arrives he rushes off to the toilet. Always. When we visit the lights never get switched on. Everyone has to sit in the dark and fumble about trying to find the way. If it's someone else's party he'll pile his plate so high it's embarrassing to look at. Always needs to be picked up by someone to go anywhere, so anytime there's a gathering he'll start phoning people until he gets a free ride. If not he calls up the host and makes mournful apologies about not being able to come because no one will take him. Finally the host has to give in and come and pick him up (in spite of all the work he/she has to get done at home for the party) just to get him to shut up. Taxis and buses are for other people, he wouldn't dream of using one.

And he has lots of money in the bank. And we know that because he's always offering to lend us large sums of money as loans, payable with high interest rates of course .

Pusheed · 13/03/2012 11:38

lurker - In what way am I not being 'nice'?

As I said, I am happy to buy dinner but the guy doesn't even offer to buy the drinks. And why should I be expected to pay for his birthday present to his girlfriend?

Last summer we agreed to go to Thorpe Park. Seemed silly to sit in the car, waiting for him to turn up in his so I said that we would meet him on the other side of the ticket barrier. We both had mobiles so we could easily meet up but no, he wanted to meet us in the car park. When he turned up 30 minutes later he just stood back and let me pay for him and his GF. When it came to ice cream time he just got one for him and his GF and totally ignored my DCs.

The tickets are about a day's wages to him but loose change to us and we get that but the guy won't even buy ice cream for his nephew and niece.

My big brother sold his business and comfortably 'retired' while in his 50s. Whenever we meet up I would offer to pay for dinner and each time he would refuse. My bro seems nothing wrong with him always picking up the dinner bill but there is the polite expectation that you at least offer.

If you consider my BIL to be reasonable in his behaviour then I would love to be your spunging friend/relation :o

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 13/03/2012 11:44

The tickets are about a day's wages to him but loose change to us

I think this may be the sort of thing Lurker had in mind when she said you weren't sounding very nice Pusheed Earlier on you were saying that you earned more than him by a factor of 15 and compared jobs and lifestyles. If you go on to him about the difference in your wealth and much as you have here he probably doesn't want to insult you by offering to pay!

Mrsjay · 13/03/2012 11:46

My friend is so tight with money she would walk out ahead of me if we met for coffee or lunch , or she would have left her purse at home , It did come from when she wa sa single parent and not working so had to watch the pennies , she is extravigant with herself and her husband though but plead poverty when it comes to bills and coffee , I dont see her much anymore she bled me dry

Convert · 13/03/2012 11:50

I think it's hard for Pusheed to explain her point without explaining the situation and what they both earn etc is part of that.

UC · 13/03/2012 11:54

Pusheed, why did you pay for him and GF at Thorpe Park? Why didn't you just pay for you and your family, then go through, leaving him in the queue to pay for himself? Easy. You didn't really help yourself there...

megapixels · 13/03/2012 11:56

Hahaha at loose change to us. I can see Lurker's point.

MadameChinLegs · 13/03/2012 12:02

Pusheed....are you trying to be provocative on this thread, or are you actually this twatish?

Tickets to a show - direct him to Ticketmaster; Dinner out - when the bill arrives, you say "right, thats £150 per couple"; at the Theme Park - you insist that you will meet them inside. Tbh, i'd be more pissed off at being made to stand and wait outside for thirty minutes; OR you go to the ticket counter and only buy tickets for your immediate family.

Pusheed · 13/03/2012 12:05

:o :o :o at the excuses for BIL's sponging. He didn't want to put us in a position by offering to pay for HIS present to his girlfriend. Methinks you see something of yourself in him :)

One time I was bought in as a consultant to do a 6 month job and it was widely known that I was probably on double what the permies were on.

Well, on the first Friday I was invited down to the pub at lunchtime and magically I found myself at the front of the group at the bar despite being the 4th one in the front door. I dutifully bought a round of drinks for all.

I put it down to a newcomers-buys-the-drinks tradition but the following Fridays were a repeat of the first. On the 4th Friday I made a point of pausing to tie my shoe laces. When I walked in I found my five 'friends' standing by the bar waiting for me to buy the drinks.

Thereafter I earned myself a reputation for being unsocialable because I always made an excuse to avoid their company.

Pusheed · 13/03/2012 12:06

madame - I guess I'm am that twatish [hangs head in shame]

MurrayHewitt · 13/03/2012 12:07

Maybe it is your 'considerably richer than yow' attitude that encourages it Pusheed?

Pandemoniaa · 13/03/2012 12:10

I had a friend who was very wealthy - she had a trust fund that had been carefully invested and was available to her from the age of 16 onwards. As a result, she never needed to have a "proper" job and certainly, never needed a mortgage. Provided that the trustees could see some sort of return or opportunity to offset expenditure against tax, they approved pretty much every bonkers idea she came up with for non-businesses.

All this would have been fine had she not been extraordinarily mean. Many were the times that friends were invited round for dinner only to discover they were given a bill at the end of the evening. Her reasoning being that surely nobody expected things to come for free. Including meals she had invited them too and which would be reciprocated.

Now none of us were stony broke and certainly nobody resented her money (in many ways I felt sorry that she'd been so cushioned from reality that her grasp on what, to most of us, passes for normal life was so tenuous) but there's something particularly tasteless when tightness comes from someone so very able to be generous occasionally.

MadameChinLegs · 13/03/2012 12:10

Maybe due to the fact that you talk about money a lot, people think you like spending it? It is horrible that your BIL is sponging off you, and you must feel annoyed at the fact "he's family" and it's sometimes hard to broach these things with you, but if you talk about money with him at the rate you have on this thread, and with an almost blase attitude towards spending it, then I can't blame him. I'd see it as compensation for having to listen to someone talk about their wealth all the time

5ofus · 13/03/2012 12:11

I'm reading Pusheed's posts and can't find any hint of twatishness,

BlueFergie · 13/03/2012 12:25

You see Pusheed you are rich and are commiting the cardinal sin of not being embarrassed about it. You are discussing money openly which you are only allowed do if you don't have much it. Also if you are wealthy you should be happy to spend your money on people less well off than you. You should do this automatically and should have no expectation of repayment or even thanks because it's the least you can do to make up for being so shamelessly rich.

Pusheed · 13/03/2012 12:26

Thanks for the support 5ofus but your words are falling on deaf ears.

Some MNetters will always look for things to hit you with regardless of what you post.

MadameChinLegs · 13/03/2012 12:31

Pusheed, if you had posted re: your BIL and not mentioned anything about your income, you would have not been 'hit' with anything.

bedubabe · 13/03/2012 12:33

I also don't see anything twatish about Pusheed's comments. What on earth suggests she talks about money a lot apart from on this thread where it's relevant? I have a (at least vague) idea of what all my family earn - if I haven't been told directly it's usually pretty obvious from the jobs they do. For the purposes of a thread I could say xtimes as it'd be easy to work it out! Isn't that normal? I don't think about it a lot but, for example, when my sister was a student and I was earning I wouldn't have let her pick up a restaurant bill.

Actually though, I find the 'offer to pay' a difficult thing. I have this with my dad. DH and I are by no means badly off but we're not in my dad's league (talking multiple six-figures). We go out, he expects to pick up the bill, I know he's not about to let me pay. I do offer but it seems fake.

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 13/03/2012 12:33

Pusheed, if you had posted re: your BIL and not mentioned anything about your income, you would have not been 'hit' with anything

Beautifully put MadameChin: my nuts in a thoughtshell!

MadameChinLegs · 13/03/2012 12:35

sarah

Pusheed · 13/03/2012 12:36

Blue - I am slowly coming to the same conclusion.

At one stage the mortgage rate was 15% on a loan that I had over extended myself on. I was having a moan about it at work and I was told off for boasting about how big my mortgage payments was???

Apparently only people who were on the verge of getting their house repossessed were allowed to whinge. Similarly, well off (as opposed to rich) people aren't allowed to whinge about sponging relatives. You have to be an average mum in order to complain and even then it has to be about coffee. If you complain about anything as lardy da as theatre tickets then you deserve to be flamed and called a twat.

I guess if everybody was 'reasonable' then this forum wouldn't exist :o

MadameChinLegs · 13/03/2012 12:42

But Pusheed, it is entirely possible to be supported in times of financial crisis by those around you, but my question would be why did you feel it was necessary to tell your colleagues how much your mortgage was? You would be supported re: sponging relatives too if you didn't bring it all down to amounts. It's not twatish to complain about your BIL sponging theatre tickets off you. I think (not everyone will) that it is twatish to talk about the size of your salary in comparison with his; to say certain costs are "lose change to you".

wineandroses · 13/03/2012 12:43

Pusheed your BIL is a sponger, and I imagine would still be a sponger whether your incomes were vastly different or not - the fact that he didn't correct his GF re the theatre tickets shows that he doesn't do gratitude or giving the credit for a kind act to someone else. I don't agree with those posters who are turning this back on you for mentioning your income v his.

That being said; why put up with it? You know that he will take the piss given a chance, so call him on it. Ask him for half of a bill and let him pay his own entry tickets etc. Re the ice-cream - I would have immediately said "Oi - where's ours? We've just paid for your tickets!".

confusedpixie · 13/03/2012 12:48

Pusheed sounds similar to former employers of mine, they earnt significant amounts and were quite honest about it in a natural way as opposed to boastful tbh. Nothing wrong with earning a lot, I'm jealous but not bothered otherwise!

I know a few people who are tight arses, spend lots on themselves but nothing on others. My little sister is like this, in her third year of uni and the entire thing has been funded by my parents. She gets full loans and grants but spends the entirety on herself going out drinking and buying a full new outfit from ASOS every weekend along with shopping trips to actual stores each weekend. My parents give her money for her supplies, her rent, her food, her bi-weekly trips to come home (from Scotland to Essex via train) and they paid for her driving lessons. When I've questioned this it's been "But her course is so expensive" or "She needs the money to survive!" They completely pander to her tightarsed-ness.

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