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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not miss my LO now I'm back at work?

55 replies

Willowme · 12/03/2012 20:14

I've been back at work a week now after maternity leave and I feel absolutely awful that I don't miss my LO like I thought I would.

Don't get me wrong I love to see him when I get home but I don't sit and think about him all day, and can go a few hours without thinking about him.

I love him dearly but was so ready to go back to work, I really started to hate my last few weeks of mat leave. Everyone is asking me how I'm finding being back at work, and they're shocked when I say I love it. Feel like I have to lie and say I hate it.

To top it all of DH is spending more time with him now and he seems to be more clingy to DH now and I feel pushed out, it's as if he realises or something.

Is this normal? I feel so bad about this, and it's really starting to affect me as I feel like a bad mother because of it.

OP posts:
Glittertwins · 12/03/2012 20:17

I felt the same so in my eyes, YANBU. I was ready to back to work although FT was a bit mental so cut to 3 days.

BsshBossh · 12/03/2012 20:29

Well, as much as I loved my DD I wasn't really a baby person so I didn't miss her terribly when I returned to work after mat leave. Besides, work kept me busy and she was in the care of a wonderful CM and was obviously thriving. However, as she got older and much more interactive and chatty I missed her more and more. She's 3.9 now and I miss her loads but life goes on :)

Areallytiredwoman · 12/03/2012 20:33

This post has made me feel a little more positive - I go back in 5 weeks and although I adore my baby girl I have missed work and my colleagues. I have been feeling a little anxious but she will be with her dad while I am working and although I want to be bestest this will give DP time with her one on one .

YANBU and thanks for reminding me that life goes on and it will all be fine and that I actually like working Smile

Original poster
Willowme · 12/03/2012 20:34

I feel its not normal though as every other friend of mine hated going back and was crying in toilets on first day etc.

Looks like we are the only ones who feel like this glitter Sad

OP posts:
Spookey80 · 12/03/2012 20:35

I was the same with my first lo. It just felt like I was'me' again. It was great to be a bit more like my old self.
Also after years of ft work, going pt seemed ok and I did enjoy work because I wasn't there dy in day out.
Although I found it much harder after my second child as I was more tired, i still enjoy going to work most days and dont think i could be a sahm. Don't get me wrong, occasionally the guilt kicks because as they get older it's ' mummy don't work', but in general I'm better for going.
Don't feel bd, think how lucky you are to have a lo and a job you enjoy.

Original poster
Willowme · 12/03/2012 20:36

Oops cross post, my LO is really well settled with cm too and loves it so I don't worry about him at all, so maybe that's part of it?

OP posts:
RubyFakeNails · 12/03/2012 20:38

YANBU and you shouldn't feel bad. I think its just different strokes for different folks (excuse my cheesy but true saying). I have always loved working and usually my job, my career is and always has been my main identity. When I had the DCs, yes i loved spending time with them but it was all the being in the house etc that I didn't like, was ecstatic when I went back to work and I think it makes me better at parenting them because I'm not bored or annoyed having spent all day with them.

I remember vividly one woman I worked with was a real mummy type, who when I cam back fro maternity leave said "I know you must feel like your heart has been wrenched out, I cried for days, it still upsets me to leave them, just look at their photos when you feel sad". I was flabbergasted! But it seems to be how some people feel, not everyone so really don't feel guilty.

callmemrs · 12/03/2012 20:38

I think it's a sign of having an interesting and busy work life, rather than a sign that you're missing a maternal gene!

I was the same. Absolutely adore my kids, love them every bit as much as any SAHM but I also found work fulfilling in a different way. When I returned to work I found it was quite possible to go all day, focusing on work and being busy and not thinking about dd at all. But then when I got in the car to collect her from her childminder I'd think oh wow I've got my lovely baby to see now.

Don't feel guilty. You are happy, your child is happy, win win.

doradaisy · 12/03/2012 20:38

Sorry, what's 'LO'?

JasperJohns · 12/03/2012 20:40

I was ecstatic to get back to work! Only 2 days per week, but it saved my sanity and made me really enjoy my days at home too.

squishysquashy · 12/03/2012 20:42

I felt the same, am lucky to have DH at home so didn't have angst over childcare. DD still seems to prefer me to daddy though so that's nice Wink

When people asked I just joked it's a lot easier being at work.

Original poster
Willowme · 12/03/2012 20:45

Little one doradaisy

You have all made me feel a bit better thanks, was beginning to think there were no like minded mum's.

Had a pregnancy scare a month ago and my first thought was "noooooo I'll have to stop work again" I was so relieved when I wasn't as I could cope being off again so soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
Willowme · 12/03/2012 20:46

*couldn't cope

OP posts:
jamaisjedors · 12/03/2012 20:52

I think just joke about it.

Although, like you, I have this terrible fear I am not normal and am missing some gene or something. And my DS1 has always prefered his dad, which I agonized over for years. I felt like a terrible mother.

Now I have DS2, who is 5, and is a total mummy's boy, and everyone remarks on how much he loves me, yet they have had the same amount of time with me.

And I think it's a testimony to how hands on DH was with DS1 that they are so close - which is great.

I went back to work after both DS at 3 mths, and I don't have any photos of my DSs at work, or (god forbid) a screensaver.

I don't think about them at all during the day (I don't have time).

I also travel quite a lot, and don't miss them until I've been gone for a week, actually I enjoy having the time to myself.

I also had lots of people telling me how hard it must be to leave them and wondered what was wrong with me, but I think some people's whole identity is tied up with being a mother and they are the most vocal about it.

Meglet · 12/03/2012 20:56

yanbu. When I went back after my first DC it was fine. At the time my office was only up the road so I felt pretty close to them.

After DC2 our office had moved 20 miles away, I cried when I used to go to work there. I didn't like being a motorway away from them as I'm a LP.

Back working in the same town again now so no problem with going to work.

EthelredOnAGoodDay · 12/03/2012 20:59

Same here and can particularly identify with what Bsshbossh said, do miss DD much more now as she is that bit older and we interact and play together more. I suppose I am lucky in that she loves nursery so I don't worry about her whilst she is there. Hope it stays that way!

Original poster
Willowme · 12/03/2012 21:02

Thanks everyone your helping me a lot, I had a wee cry to myself in the bathroom earlier when he went to DH over me, I felt awful. I sometimes forget I'm a mum during the day at work and on nights out. I hope it's because he's a good baby so I never worry about leaving him with anyone.

I definately need a separate identity and not just to be a mum iyswim.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 12/03/2012 21:03

YANBU. I do miss ds, but only because I can sometimes go two or three days without seeing him awake. But I don't miss him all day - I am just doing my thing at work and enjoying it. If I knew I would see him every evening I would not miss him at all I don't think.

DontCallMeBaby · 12/03/2012 21:04

YANBU. :) I have a friend at work who is convinced she has made herself psychosomatically ill because she's due to go away with work for two days on Wednesday - her DD is about a year old. Whereas I went away with work for a week when DD was that age, and I was packed and practically camped out in the porch waiting for my colleague to come and pick me up ...

I do have a photo of her at work though - mostly cos I love seeing what other people's kids look like, genetics is SO interesting, and I feel I should return the favour. :o

madaboutmadmen · 12/03/2012 21:08

Good for you! So many people break their hearts, it's good you've escaped that as it doesn't change a thing. I was a bit like this at the beginning, novelty wore off, hated work, now I'm properly used to being back but still hate work Wink

Original poster
Willowme · 12/03/2012 21:12

Well I genuinely like my work so maybe that plays a part too, even though my work mates are boring as shit, but I just like being out of the house.

OP posts:
jinsei · 12/03/2012 21:16

YANBU - you love your DC, but you enjoy your job as well. There's nothing wrong with that at all - some people aren't cut out to be at home all the time with small children, and as long as you're confident that dc is well cared for, there is no need for you to fret or pine all day.

Also, don't worry about your dc developing a close relationship with her dad - it'll be great for both of them, and regardless of whether you work, you'll always be her mummy. I have worked FT since dd was a baby, whereas DH has worked, been a SAHD and now works PT. We both have a fantastic relationship with dd - but we both know quite well that for dd, mummy will always be "bestest". Wink Fair? No, but just the way things are.

Lueji · 12/03/2012 21:17

That's perfectly normal for me.

I love DS but I never cried for leaving him.
Not even sure that's healthy... Wink

funchum8am · 12/03/2012 21:17

Willowme I am so glad to see this thread - I'm just entering the second trimester but of course have told work now and am making arrangements to go back after 3 months off. They are a bit Hmm about it as it's far earlier than most of my colleagues with kids went back but I am keen to hand over to DH who is actually the housekeeper around here, and he has already wanted to be the main carer, so I want to stick to that plan. Friends with children have expressed huge scepticism about the idea that I'll be able to go back so soon but I can't imagine taking ages and ages off and leaving my team and the job I love for so long (not to mention living in the squalor that my housekeeping would result in for more than that amount of time!)

Thank you for making me feel more confident in my plans - it may not work but at least I know it's not completely bonkers if others have done similar without missing their DC like mad.

funchum8am · 12/03/2012 21:17
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