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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not miss my LO now I'm back at work?

55 replies

Willowme · 12/03/2012 20:14

I've been back at work a week now after maternity leave and I feel absolutely awful that I don't miss my LO like I thought I would.

Don't get me wrong I love to see him when I get home but I don't sit and think about him all day, and can go a few hours without thinking about him.

I love him dearly but was so ready to go back to work, I really started to hate my last few weeks of mat leave. Everyone is asking me how I'm finding being back at work, and they're shocked when I say I love it. Feel like I have to lie and say I hate it.

To top it all of DH is spending more time with him now and he seems to be more clingy to DH now and I feel pushed out, it's as if he realises or something.

Is this normal? I feel so bad about this, and it's really starting to affect me as I feel like a bad mother because of it.

OP posts:

jinsei · 12/03/2012 21:18

Sorry, I see you have a DS, nota DD.

HomeEcoGnomist · 12/03/2012 21:18

No, that doesn't make you a bad mother at all. I can compartmentalise bits of my life quite easily - so if all my plans are working - childcare all sorted etc - then I can focus on what I am doing. I work at work, am at home when home, and don't really worry about the other when not there.

To me, that seems to be the ultimate way to manage all these different areas of your life

CointreauVersial · 12/03/2012 21:21

OP, I was the same as you. Once I was back at work, I didn't really miss them, as I knew they were being well looked-after. Lovely to see them at pick-up time, though!

By the same token, I never think about work at the weekends - I can happily compartmentalise.

OneLittleBabyTerror · 12/03/2012 21:21

I feel the same as you willowme. I didnt feel bad about going back, but wasnt totally l

notquitenormal · 12/03/2012 21:21

I didn't, and don't, miss DS when I am at work.
Mainly because when I'm at work I'm busy, and concentrating and I have a challenging job that I enjoy...which generally means to time goes quickly and the day is over before I've had mch time to think about it.

I've also been very confident about my childcare, so I always knew that he was ok without me.

I'm not always so rational though, my Mum suggested DS stay overnight with her soon and I am not happy about that at all. Both me and DH have been away over night separately, but in 4 years he's never been without one of us there and I miss him just thinking about it. I'll get over it...

MissVerinder · 12/03/2012 21:22

I missed DD but not to the point of weeping in the toilets.

I enjoyed the following:

a) Sitting down for more than 10 minutes at a time.
b) A cup of tea that was warmer than about 12 degrees.
c) Adult conversation.
d) Having a wee in peace.
e) Eating what I wanted, when I wanted.

I could go on, but since I've become a foster carer I'm forgetting it all...

CatVonB · 12/03/2012 21:26

You're far from being a bad mother, OP - I've just started back on 2 days a week, but will be full time in April. DH will be a SAHD - 11 month old DS absolutely happy, he's a daddy's boy anyway, so I am used to him cosying up to DH. It'll work out just fine.

OneLittleBabyTerror · 12/03/2012 21:26

Stupid phone...

Looking forward to it either. But I don't think of DD every minute of the day at work. I don't feel bad dropping her off at nursery. Work keeps me busy and I feel challenged and appreciated. I do look forward to picking her up and seeing her smile.

The only time I feel bad is sending her to nursery when she isn't 100%. The days where she isn't really ill, but is slightly poorly. I would live her being able to stay at home with me or DH. But we don't have enough annual leave to use on every little ailment .

SlinkyB · 12/03/2012 21:29

I'm with HomeEco - I tend to focus on what I'm doing, and so when I'm at work I too can go a few hours without thinking about ds. I also then feel guilty about it! I don't know why, think it's another stupid parenting taboo that you have to miss your kids, but you're not alone op.

You are allowed to enjoy your work, and enjoy your ds when you're with him. Don't feel bad for not crying when you returned; I never did and I don't even like my job.

Mrawmraw · 12/03/2012 21:31

Nooooooooo! YANBU. I was glad of the space tbh. And I love my DC to bits, but everyone needs some adult company and interests x

Original poster

Willowme · 12/03/2012 21:32

funchum I went back about 2 months early because I didnt take all my holidays owed to me I literally couldn't wait to go back.

Had planned going back after 6 months but changed my mind only cos I felt people at work and family and friends would think I was a bad mum cos everyone else dreads it. I did enjoy the extra time with him, but know I'll go back around 6 months if not earlier the next time.

OP posts:

BikeRunSki · 12/03/2012 21:33

I felt exactly the same as the op.
YANBU.

MorrisZapp · 12/03/2012 21:41

YANBU

I'm exactly the same. Love work, don't miss DS at all when I'm there.

My sister was just the same with hers, which made me feel a bit more normal about lacking the weeping mummy gene.

backwardpossom · 12/03/2012 21:42

YANBU I love being at work. It's a time when I get to be me, rather than mummy. :)

FuriousRox · 12/03/2012 21:52

Are you kidding? Don't feel guilty!!
I don't actually love my job that much but I do love love being back at work - it's fantastic being among grown-ups again. I went to a meeting with three investment bankers today and talked about really dry boring stuff and came out feeling flipping marvellous. Hooray! I adore my DD but I don't miss her during the day at all.

It's not a reflection of your mothering love or commitment or anything. Not thinking about your child during the day probably also means you and DS himself are both happy with the childcare arrangements, in which case you have blessings to count.

Try not to feel bad or jealous about DS being clingy with your DH. That could be quite corrosive. And I'm told that children go through stages of being all mummy mummy and then next month it's daddy daddy so don't take it to heart.

breatheslowly · 12/03/2012 22:00

I don't particularly miss DD at work. I might think of her a couple of times in the day in an "ahhh, she's so cute" way, but I really enjoy being at work and don't wish to be at home with her on my work days. I do like being at home with her at the weekend and on my days off. I work 4 days a week and that seems to be the right balance for me. I have a photo of her on my phone so I get reminded of her when I see that. I do wonder whether people at work think I have made her up as I don't have photos of her on my desk or screen saver.

I think it helps that I have complete confidence in her nursery and that she walks away from me in the morning without so much as a look in my direction, so I am sure she is happy there. She will wave me goodbye, but generally in the direction of the breakfast table.

sunshineandbooks · 12/03/2012 22:28

YANBU.

I loved going back to the office. I could drink hot coffee, have a wee with the door shut and just be me rather than mummy for once. The first time I had a night out, everyone said "oh, it'll be really hard. You'll have to resist the temptation to phone the babysitter every five minutes and just check everything is ok". Not me. I forgot about the DC within five minutes of going out and downing the first drink.

I don't think I'm a bad mum. While I think I've made quite a lot of mistakes in my parenting and there are things I'd do differently if I had my time again, I think I'm a fairly good mum. I have happy, healthy, academically bright children and have received compliments on my parenting. I would also lay down my life in a heartbeat for my DC. Doesn't mean I want to be joined at the hip with them and that I shouldn't enjoy being my own person.

No one poses this question about new dads, do they. That's because if going back to work is the right thing for a parent - regardless of gender - then there's nothing to feel guilty about. Likewise, some dads feel horribly guilty about going back to work, as is expected of them, and leaving their wives/partners and newborns at home. It's about individual choices.

Sod what anyone else thinks. If you and your DH are happy and your child is too, it's no one else's business. Congratulations BTW.

blueshoes · 12/03/2012 23:08

I love being at work. I am glad even to commute. I barely think of my dcs. I am so grateful for the headspace that work gives me I could kiss the ground.

FuriousRox, when I read how you thought being at a dry meeting with 3 investment bankers is 'flipping marvellous', I almost laughed. My colleagues (lawyers in my case) are IMO brilliant minds (even if their egos can be massive), with so much expertise in their area of speciality it is always a joy to cross swords with them. The more technical the better. My mind races at top speed.

I don't sound very maternal at all. I agree with HomeEgonomist about the ability to compartmentalise. Truth be told, I prefer to be at work, but of course I love my dcs too and treasure my time with them. I have just negotiated more flexible working hours at work to be able to do the schoolrun on occasion.

Chubfuddler · 12/03/2012 23:10

I adore my children. I truly do. I went back to work when ds was eight months, full time. Didn't shed a tear. Am looking forward to going back in June after current ml finishes.

You are completely normal. Don't worry.

Chubfuddler · 12/03/2012 23:14

I don't ever think about work at weekends. I've barely given work a passing thought in the last eight months. I'll be firing on all cylinders the second I get back though.

Letchladee · 13/03/2012 23:12

Likewise, I looked forward to going back to work and whilst I missed my DDs, I didn't cry for them or get upset. I went back part time, so still had lots of time with them and so even now, looking back I do not feel as though I missed out on anything with them at all.

Tbh, I'm not hugely a baby person, and to be quite frank, dread it when someone brings a baby in that I have to coo over - so the baby stage wasn't my favourite - but as my children have got older, I have enjoyed them more and more. They're 8 and 5 now, I still work part time (am able to pick them up from school most days, they have no paid childcare except breakfast club) and I still don't miss them . I love when we come back together at the end of the day, and share the different things we have been doing / learning about etc.

As a previous poster said - I have happy, healthy, intelligent, confident and friendly children - so I don't think I've harmed them in any way!

AllQuietOnThePippisFront · 13/03/2012 23:15

felt the same. did not feel guilty at the time though. thought I had every reason to want to go back to work (was even p/t so...). plus when such thoughts occurred I though, well nobody makes dh feel gulity for not being in tears everytime he leaves the dc's side.

having said all this dh took the dc away for the weekend (fab) and I did not miss them at all. none of them. I was wondering if that was allright and then I kicked myself for thinking it.

MorrisZapp · 14/03/2012 09:24

I love this thread :)

AllQuietOnThePippisFront · 14/03/2012 11:34

I love it too. I used to feel so much stronger in what I believed to be right and wrong but it is almost all gone out of the wondow now that sahmhood has made me doubt myself. (this is just my personal experience NOT an attack on sahm please).

LucyManga · 14/03/2012 11:36

I dont give my kids a second thought when I'm at work. When I'm at work I'm too busy...urrr...working!

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