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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it unreasonable to stop ex seeing kids if .......

72 replies

Mrbojangles1 · 12/03/2012 07:59

Following on from another thread just wondering what everyone's views are

A lady said her ex would not provide her with an address and she was happy with that, my ex has in the past done the same also wouldn't give over phone numbers so I decided that until he was willing to give his address and phone numbers it was not reasonable for him on any one to have my child with out me being able to contact them.

In my view my doing this he was either being obstructive or had somthing to hide.

Not a issue now son would old enough to give me the address himself now just wondering that's all

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrbojangles1 · 12/03/2012 08:01

btw just in case any ones wondering ex decided that rather than give contact details he would just stop seeing son.

Son was 4 when I confronted him about this and after that day I never heard from him again as he had my details but he wouldn't give me his

Which was the whole issue Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrbojangles1 · 12/03/2012 08:02

Son is 12 now

OP posts:
Callisto · 12/03/2012 08:03

I wouldn't let my child go to anyone at all, even my most trusted friend, without a contact number and an idea of where she was. So no, YANBU to with hold contact unless you have contact details.

NotaDisneyMum · 12/03/2012 08:08

If there are no concerns of risk to the DCs, then I don't see how one parent can refuse that a child sees the other on this basis - one parent is not more equal than the other.

There has to be an element of trust when parenting is shared between a separated couple - if there isn't, the family court makes the decision - and I think they'd give a parent who refused on this basis a hard time (assuming the other parent was reasonable).

Personally, it would bother me a bit, but I wouldn't feel comfortable withholding contact because that impacts on DD - and it's not anything to do with her Sad

AllShiney · 12/03/2012 08:09

I think I would need contact details.

However, I think I'd never get them as I have not given him ours. He has my parents address to send cards too. I do not need the stress of them sending solicitors letters etc here. It is a bit hypocritical but it's all hypothetical anyway as DS has no involvement which was exs choice.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 12/03/2012 08:13

My DP has 2 children with his ex, we moved in together 6mths ago and gave his ex our address as felt she had every right to know where her children are, she also has both our mobile numbers but I won't let her have our home number as she is crazy has a habit of harassing me with abusive phone calls if she has had a bad day, I can turn my mobile off, I'd rather not have to unplug my home phone as I have frail elderly relatives that may need to contact me

YouOldSlag · 12/03/2012 08:14

YANBU. I would need to know where my children are no matter who has them.

Usually I often try and see both sides coming from divorced parents myself as a child. However I have heard too many stories about children not coming back or being out of phone reach, or coming back a day late.

I am all for equal rights of both parents, but if a parent cannot provide an address and phone number, then something is very wrong.

Also OP, your ex didn't seem to put up much of a fight did he? I think it indicates risk not to be provided with contact details and alarm bells would ring.

Rikalaily · 12/03/2012 08:22

A parent has a right to know where their child is, there is no way in hell my kids would be visiting thier dad if I didn't have a contact number or know his address and I wouldn't dream of witholding my info from him either. Why wouldn't a parent want the other parent to be able to contact them in an emergency unless there is abuse involved etc and they are protecting themselves?

TOTU · 12/03/2012 08:27

Depends on the back-story in each case I think but, on the whole, I'd have to say I'd need contact details.

Even though I know where my ex lives at the moment, we do the handover of the children at a neutral meeting point between both our houses. If they ever came back and told me "Daddy has a new house" I'd want to know the address, definitely.

If he refused, I'd refuse access.

SirGinTheUnreasonable · 12/03/2012 08:42

My initial reaction is it's simply common decency to give some means of contact info.

However I don't think it's grounds for denying contact, and there may ( I appreciate not in the annacdotals here ) in some circumstance be good reason for with holding contact info.

nenevomito · 12/03/2012 08:43

You stopped your son seeing his dad over an address? Sorry but I don't think that's right. I can understand why you wanted it and think he was being an arse, but that's not a great reason for stopping contact.

CrunchyFrog · 12/03/2012 08:49

I most certainly would not send my children away without knowing where they were going.

You can harp on about father's rights/ shared parenting/ whatever all you like, the fact of the matter is that I will know where my children are going, or they aren't going there.

That is not unreasonable at all. It is taking responsibility for my children's well being, as their main carer.

If you are so scared of your ex that you don't want them to know where you live, WTF are your children with them at all?

Other than that, refusing to give an address smacks of petty controlling behaviour. Ridiculous.

bobblesmama · 12/03/2012 08:56

We had this issue with my husbands ex wife. If she knew our address she would sit outside (not when children were visiting) or just drop the kids off outside and drive off not even knowing if anyone was in (the kids would have to call one of us to get us home).

She even sent the police round every time to do a welfare check. It was an absolute nightmare that only stopped when we moved and didn't give our address. Far from ideal :(

TroublesomeEx · 12/03/2012 09:01

Contact details are necessary for emergency purposes.

I wouldn't let my child go anywhere with someone (relative or otherwise) if I as the main carer didn't know where they were or how to contact them. That's nothing to do with being controlling, it's just common sense.

I don't think it's an issue of 'denying contact', it's more of a 'I won't let my children go with anyone who won't provide me with any means of contacting them.'

If the person refuses to supply any contact details, they are choosing the outcome for themselves.

Archemedes · 12/03/2012 09:13

YANBU

If I had an ex who wanted to take my child with no means of contact I'd think something very sinister was going on indeed.

ThisIsExtremelyVeryNotGood · 12/03/2012 09:16

"If the person refuses to supply any contact details, they are choosing the outcome for themselves."

This ^

I appreciate that (as in bobblesmama's case) there may be good reasons in a very small minority of cases, but in the vast majority of cases I think contact details are necessary.

bobblesmama · 12/03/2012 09:56

We bought the children a mobile phone so that they could be contacted and could contact their mum at any time. It was all a while ago now but when the kids came one day, they were told that if they found out the address one would get a pink PlayStation and one would get a go-cart. :( Glad that they are all older now and its no longer relevant.

Sallykitten · 12/03/2012 11:44

Yeah, simple. Buy a pay as you go mobile which you purely use to contact each other about the kids and it is exclusively used for that, kept on while the kids are with him. You also ask a 3rd party to hold address details to be released to you in case of an emergency e.g. a friend of your blokes.

It's easy to say 'Oh isn't this awful' but I'm assuming that he must have a reason, have you misused his contact details in the past or turned up uninvited or persistently phoned? There must be some sort of reason, why can't you compromise?

Original poster
Mrbojangles1 · 12/03/2012 12:00

Can't give a mobile phone to a baby or a toddler can you
it only works if their older. Y which point they would be able to just tell you the address unless like a poster above the children are bribed not t tell

The only reason he had was being a conrol freak amongst not giving maintenance this was just another way to control the situation, I sure he relished the thought I would be on edge the wole time he had lo

And FYI I didn't abuse the address the whole issue was that I didn't have it wouldn't even give phone numbers

And also I don't think 3rd party's are good ideas in my experince it never works out bringing more people in to your domestic issues and usually just makes matters worse with people taking sides and he said she said

OP posts:
NotaDisneyMum · 12/03/2012 12:27

I don't get the 'I must have contact details in case of emergency' argument, sorry!

If the DCs are with someone else, and that person has your number, then they can get hold of you if there is an emergency involving the child.

When the DCs are with you, if you don't have the other parents details, then you can't contact them in case of an emergency involving the DCs, but that is their choice.

There is no reason for you to be contacting the DCs or knowing where they are when they are in their Dads care - assuming you trust their Dad to do what is best for them, which includes staying in contact with you. If you don't trust him with his own DC's - then the issue is much bigger than whether or not you know where they are.

AbbyAbsinthe · 12/03/2012 12:31

Sorry, I don't agree with that at ALL, NADM.

Would you send your child to a friends for a sleepover not knowing the parents address or phone number?

And what would happen if your dc were away at their dads, and YOU had an accident? How would you contact your ex to let them know you were in hospital, for example?

Also - why would you NOT provide a phone number to the other parent? It's just being petty and awkward.

EdithWeston · 12/03/2012 12:32

I get the necessity for emergency contact details. If something happened to OP whilst the DCs were away, she may need to contact them/XP to arrange for a different return drop off or ask for them to stay longer.

I think it is silly to refuse to provide so much as a reliable contact phone number.

mummytime · 12/03/2012 12:33

Notadisneymum but what if the NRP has the kids, and the RP is in an accident or has an emergency, if not even the RP has any contact details how can the children be informed or taken care of? Actually I think in these circumstances a third party eg. Grandparents are the only alternative.
But in normal circumstances I would expect parents to have a contact for anyone who has their children, just in case.

Birdsgottafly · 12/03/2012 12:45

The court would take a dim view of the non resident parent with holding contact details, it is game plying.

If they are doing the same in terms of the childs school etc, then that is unreasonable.

The parents have shared PR and when the child is handed over to the non resident parent then a home adress and contact number is needed for that person. If there ae problems, such as threats then a family members adress and details should be given.

If the non resident parent doesn't return with the child, eyebrows will be raised at the resident parent not having the details.

PR means being and behaving responsibly.

justalittleinsane · 12/03/2012 12:47

I know of RPs who take this stance for no good reason, no one suggests they should have their children removed.

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