to think that fil was out of order

[annoyeddil]

DP and I went out for lunch today with ds age 4 and MIL and FIL. When our food arrived the waitress asked if we wanted ketchup for ds and I said no because he was having a roast dinner and I wouldn't normally give him ketchup with that. Fil ignored me and said yes ds did want some. I ignored this.

The ketchup arrived and FIL said ds could have it and in the end, for the sake of peace, I said he could have a little and told him that I'd put it on the side of his plate. While I was talking FIL instantly leaned across the table, grabbed the bottle fro my hand and said loudly over the top of me 'this is what you do with it' and put great globs of ketchup all over ds's roast dinner (and also over the table so that ds could put his arms into it).

DS was happy but I wasn't for 2 reasons. 1) I don't want him to eat ketchup with every kind of food and 2) I don't think FIL should undermine me as a parent.

I'm already aware that MIL and FIL don't like me very much and regard me as aloof and snooty which is why I didn't make a fuss at the time but I'm not happy aibu?

That would piss me off and I would have stood my ground and said so way to the ketchup. at coering a roast dinner in ketchup!

Err...a bit yeah.
I can understand how aggravating it must have been, but I don't see it as something worth getting a steam up over.
I agree with no ketchup with a roast dinner and all that....but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter does it.

Why didn't you get up, take DS, and leave the table. I would have, and I'd have apologised really loudly to the waitress for "the mess on the table" and offered to clean it up for her too, just to rub it in to FiL. Did your DP make any attempt to back you up or remonstrate with his father at all or just sit there quietly?
I'd have been well peeved, and wouldn't have been half as polite as you were about it that's just ewwww (for want of a better word)

Just needed to vent really. I know your'e right which is why I didn't say anything else at the time. Would have liked a bit of support too from dp but he stayed out of it.

He deliberately undermined you. There is no way I would put up with that shit. What was your husband doing while his father walked all over you?

I would have stood up, taken ds and left.

He was really fucking rude and you need to contact him and point out that if he ever does something like that again, he will not be allowed anywhere near your child.

It's not so much the ketchup thing, it's the undermining you that would get to me.

YANBU (but I always had ketchup with my roasts and now I'm a normal human being who has the appropriate condiment :o )

Pictish, it's not about the ketchup, so much as it is about the mum saying no and the fil completely bloody ignoring her, like she has no business making choices for her own child.

I would make every excuse not to eat with them for a very long time.

Oh I know - I get that...but the fact is, these people have to try and rub along somehow because they are linked very closely by the dh. I would rather see the OP rise above it and be the bigger person, than creating a scene and playing right into the fil's hands. Iyswim?

The trouble is that I know they don't like me very much and have told dp they thought I was 'cold and snotty'. I'm really not but I was brought up to think that things like table manners are important. Fil doesn't. I don't really like meeting up with Ils because we are very different in many ways. When I haven't gone with dp and ds they've been huffy about that and so now I go so as not to offend them.

I'm starting to think that having a similar background to your dp and his family might be more important that I thought.

Sorry that should be 'snooty'! Not good either, I know.

You could have done the same to his dinner

I agree with Pom, I would have left. The ketchup thing is bad enough (bit of a pet hate of mine), but to undermine you in such a deliberate and almost aggressive way is not good for your child to witness. A little one shouldn't be used as a pawn, so until there was an apology and more importantly, an understanding nothing in that manner would ever happen again I would not subject the child to him and his behaviour.

I blame the waitress.

Offering ketchup with a roast-wtf is that all about?

YANBU, he was out of order and I'd be seething as well.

But... I've learnt not to sweat the small things. My IL's love me to bits and don't do things like this to undermine me as such but they will ignore my 'rules' and it used to drive me mad but in the long run it's not worth the aggro.

Your FIL is extremely rude and clearly has a problem with you.

I don´t see it as a small thing.

He actually grabbed the bottle from your hand?

What an aggressive bullying twat.

You should have asked MIL whether FIL wanted ketchup on his dinner, and when she said no you should have proceeded to cover his dinner in it. What a twat.

On the other hand - if DS wanted ketchup (and managed to eat his dinner with it on) then YABU

I wish I'd have the balls to swap the dinners saying blithely, "ooh Granpa likes a lot of ketchup on his dinner doesn't he?"

YANBU. He was incredibly rude. I would have wrestled the ketchup out of his hands and scraped it off the plate if necessary. I understand that you didn't want a scene but think that as long as you back down he will continue to behave in this manner. Of course its not about the ketchup it is the principle. Next time it will be something else unless you stand up to him, thats the kind of guy he is... Good luck OP. Draw a line in the sand now or be prepared to put up with this behaviour for... well forever.

Ok some might not see it as a small thing, I get that, but I don't think it's worthy of a family rift. That's what I mean by small.

ha ha love the idea of swapping plates!

I would also be livid about this behaviour I think... BUT did your DS say he would like ketchup when the waitress asked? Maybe FIL thought you were being controlling (though I would have probably said the same as you).

In future I personally would leave this sort of decision to DS, if he says he wants it and then blobs it all over let him. You can approach it as a 'treat' when eating out and make it clear that's not what you expect on a normal occasion at home.

Thanks you all. Glad to hear that I'm not being toally ur. I didn't like being undermined like this and was angry about it but don't want to cause a family rift over ketchup on roast dinners. It's not worth it. I just want to parent my ds in the way I see fit without being talked over and overruled as though I'm the small child in the family. I'm 35 fgs.

I can't believe that some posters think you should do nothing. It IS a big deal and he is also bullying you as well as undermining you as he expects you to say nothing. So, please - don't let him bully you anymore and if I were you I'd be having stern words with your dh about his lack of support against this bullish behaviour from your fil.

Put a stop to it or it will just get worse