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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that fil was out of order

57 replies

annoyeddil · 11/03/2012 19:00

DP and I went out for lunch today with ds age 4 and MIL and FIL. When our food arrived the waitress asked if we wanted ketchup for ds and I said no because he was having a roast dinner and I wouldn't normally give him ketchup with that. Fil ignored me and said yes ds did want some. I ignored this.

The ketchup arrived and FIL said ds could have it and in the end, for the sake of peace, I said he could have a little and told him that I'd put it on the side of his plate. While I was talking FIL instantly leaned across the table, grabbed the bottle fro my hand and said loudly over the top of me 'this is what you do with it' and put great globs of ketchup all over ds's roast dinner (and also over the table so that ds could put his arms into it).

DS was happy but I wasn't for 2 reasons. 1) I don't want him to eat ketchup with every kind of food and 2) I don't think FIL should undermine me as a parent.

I'm already aware that MIL and FIL don't like me very much and regard me as aloof and snooty which is why I didn't make a fuss at the time but I'm not happy aibu?

OP posts:
MsF1t · 11/03/2012 19:40

I don't think background is relevant. A twat is a twat is a twat. And your FIL is clearly... a twat.

Love the comments re: swapping dinners round/asking MIL about it before drenching his in ketchup, too!

takingiteasy · 11/03/2012 19:42

I agree with the sentiment that your DH has to step up to the mark here. Like I said I had a few run ins with my MIL over little things but once she realised her son and I were working as a team and knew what we were doing she backed down!

You're right, FIL shouldn't undermine you but was it really done with that much malice or was it more a case of him wanting to play 'good cop' to your (in his eyes) strict mummy cop routine? Have there been other issues?

MsF1t · 11/03/2012 19:44

OH has just made an interesting point- does your wee boy ever eat round the in-laws without you?

If so, might he have made a comment about you thinking it's 'wrong' to put ketchup on food? They might have then construed this an an snobby insult aimed at them, as they do- see what I mean?

Not that that excuses the twattish behaviour, but it might make more sense of it...

Original poster
annoyeddil · 11/03/2012 19:46

Never goes to Ils without us they live too far away. But suspect that they think no ketchup was a snobby insult.

OP posts:
fabwoman · 11/03/2012 19:49

If your FIL liked and respected you then maybe you could see it as grandad being silly and indulgent. As he doesn't then he was clearly wanting to make a point and being a dick.

BTW ketchup is good for you and it isn't that big a deal to have it with less traditional meals imo.

Blu · 11/03/2012 19:49

Like Gin, I would have been tempted to squirt ketchup all over his dinner.

He sounds an idiot.

AwkwardMary · 11/03/2012 19:49

Did FIL put it on his own meal like that OP?

I would have bloody swiped him with the bottle personally. Sounds like a twat.

LetsKateWin · 11/03/2012 19:51

YANBU. I know so many children who will only eat food with ketchup so I don't give it to DD (2.3) yet. DD would want it all the time if she had it just once.

fabwoman · 11/03/2012 19:52

This is so about control. They don't like you but make a fuss if you don't go? Control definitely.

Judester24 · 11/03/2012 19:52

This would piss me off no end.
I have had similar in the past with exMIL, who is lovely, but controlling. She always used to try to take over and undermine me.
I on several occasions ended up almost in tears and having to leave the room before I said something I might regret.
The thing is though that she really didn't realise she had offended me, she was just being granny, and had spent many years being very much in charge of the family.

Do you think it is worth talking to DP and making sure that next time you see them, he is prepared to back you up.

RuleBritannia · 11/03/2012 19:52

There are ways to behave at the dining table, especially in public

  1. One does not have tomato ketchuip with a roast dinner
  2. One does not snatch something out of someone else's hand
  3. One does not p[our a large amount of something onto someone else's plate
  4. One does not create a scene.

How did your FIL 'know' that your DS wanted some ketchup? As MsF1t suggested, if your DS eats round at your PIL, he might well eat chicken nuggets and chips, turkey twizzlers or KFC takeaways. One pours ketchup onto those, I suppose --not that I eat any of them anyway.

formerdiva · 11/03/2012 19:55

pictish talks sense. It's really irritating behaviour, but not the worst that happens. I think you've done exactly the right thing - sucked it up at the time and vented your (justified) anger afterwards.

PineappleBed · 11/03/2012 19:57

You're right it is a minor thing but it's your FIL who made it a big deal not you so...YANBU.

He sounds annoying and passive aggressive.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 11/03/2012 20:05

If you keep letting him walk all over you, it will just get worse & worse. Far better to make a few small stands/scenes now, than a monsterous one when you blow a gasket.

Just remember, DS is your child, not theirs and what you say goes. It doesn't matter whether they agree or disagree whether they think you are a snob or not.

As for your DP - you need serious words with him - tell him either he supports you when they are around or you and DS will not be going to visit them at all, end of.

Ketchup on a bloody roast - what kind of neanderthals are they anyway??

Snowboarder · 11/03/2012 20:13

I would have been furious at this and would not have allowed it. I wouldn't have thought twice about making a big issue about it, since FIL made his own issue by undermining and bullying you in front of your child and husband.

I think I would have scraped the ketchup off DS's meal before I'd let him have it or swapped with mine. I'd also have told FIL in no uncertain terms that his behaviour wasn't on. What a twat.

Gapants · 11/03/2012 20:15

sorry, op but what is your DPs take on all this?

I would have given my DH the "eye" and he would have stepped in and sorted it out. Not that I am some sort of feeble woman, more that if I were to say something I would be tactless and angry.

everlong · 11/03/2012 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

takingiteasy · 11/03/2012 20:23

All these people saying they would under no uncertain terms have told FIL he was a twat, took DS and left, swapped meals etc...

Would you really? Or are you just saying that in some fit of keyboard bravado? I don't think I know anyone who would make a scene over something so trivial in public.

Birdsgottafly · 11/03/2012 20:37

The OP hasn't yet said what the DP's take on it was (you know with DS being his child also).

I'm sure he loves the idea of his parents being called neanderthals because they want to put processed puried tomato on their dinner.

Perhaps FIL wants to create a bond with his grandson, who doesn't go to their house, to eat and this is a clumsy way of doing it.

The OP had no right to leave with the child, the childs two parents were sat at the table and it was a close blood relative having a joke with the child which he enjoyed.

Original poster
annoyeddil · 11/03/2012 20:43

Dp said he didnt really know what was going on at the other end of the table. I think he didn't want any aggro and so he stayed out of it. At the time I said to him that fil had got ketchup all over the table and ds was going to be covered in it.

OP posts:
Gapants · 11/03/2012 20:47

Hmmm.... well going on the information you have given, your DH has to step in and do alot of PR work on your behalf to show your PILS that you are not a snooty witch, and that he is on the same page as you WRT parenting your DS.

I would be livid with my DH hanging me out to dry like that.

Kewcumber · 11/03/2012 20:47

My DS would have been horrified if someone had globbed ketchup all over his roast dinner. He likes a little on the side of his plate with chips (and not always even then). Was your FIL so sure that he liked ketchup that much?

Shame your DS liked it really as a screaming 4 yr old would have made teh point quite eloquently!

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 11/03/2012 20:49

But thinking it's trivial is exactly why arses like the the fil get away with behaving so badly

If you 'make a fuss' then you are over reacting about something minor, this will be what your fil counts on happening so that he can be as rude as he likes. I bet if the tables were turned though he wouldn't ignore it!

I think you should stand up to bullies like this, not by storming off or calling him a twat (though I must admit I would be tempted Grin) but by being icy cold and speaking up at the time, something like 'wow that was a very rude thing to do' or'mil did you find your inlaws undermined you a lot like this when your children were small' Wink. Or you could go all passive aggresive and make a big fuss to your ds about how rude that was and how he must never ruins peoples dinner like that because it is a very unkind thing to do, and how silly grandad was Grin The main thing as well is to not be affected them, you said they got in a huff when you didn't go? Well tough! Don't let their moods affect you, just be calm and polite and then do whatever you want to do, don't pander to them because they throw strops and you're mature enough not to

Birdsgottafly · 11/03/2012 20:52

The DS wanted ketchup.

If you don't normally go for dinner with them, then you need to sit back and let your DH take over.

How many people went, if your DP was at the other end? Perhaps sit your DS inbetween you next time.

If their table manners really bother you, don't go.

HandMadeTail · 11/03/2012 20:57

He either did it to upset you, in which case, the best action is to make sure he did not see that you were upset. Or, he thought your ds would like all that ketchup on his roast dinner, and wanted to please him (albeit in a very clumsy way). In which case, as you don't see them often, just let it be.

YANBU to be annoyed, but you reacted perfectly, at the time and with more restraint than I would have done.