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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

would you allow your ex partner to ....

74 replies

quickstrawpoll · 11/03/2012 11:45

(1) have access to the children in your family home from time to time given that he lives a long way away and;
(2) expect to bring his partner along too.

to clarify;
I have no problem with partner seeing the children (they stay at their house from time to time and she is a nice enough girl)

Also, we are not talking about picking up and dropping off children - we are talking about having meals here, playing in bedrooms (although not staying over!) etc etc

OP posts:
Pantone363 · 11/03/2012 20:52

Yes I do EVERY BLOODY DAY for 2 hrs, either 5-7 or 6.30-8.30 (so we both get to do dinner or bath/book/bed)

I go to the gym or a friends or coffee.

No I wouldn't let him do it with a partner though. The arrangment is in place so he could still do the 'normal' dad bit, not just weekends at the park and a cafe thing. There would be no point in him bringing someone with him, he's busy the whole time he's here!

AnyFucker · 11/03/2012 20:56

well, in your OP I was starting to think if all was amicable it didn't seem U

then I read his reaction, and his "get used to it" arrogant comeback

so I changed my mind, and I would say you shouldn't facilitate him playing "happy families" in your house with his new gf and your children

these entitled twats always tell you where they are coming from, don't they ?

Original poster
quickstrawpoll · 11/03/2012 21:04

he said yesterday that it was just because I am jealous. This comment is him to a tee. My discomfort is all about seeing another woman carry my youngest child about my house on her hip and how it makes me feel emotionally. He can't get past the notion that I must still really want to sleep with him......

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/03/2012 21:11

yeah, 'cos he is an arrogant twat

your reaction is all about him

I wouldn't let him play happy families in my house, end of.

"jealousy" yeah ?

I expect you are are "shrill" and "bitter" too, yes ?

Original poster
quickstrawpoll · 11/03/2012 21:17

oh yes, bitter, have issues with myself and also once (amusingly) when challenging him over something I was told that I sounded liked 'a 50 year old northern woman.'

I am an (almost) 40 year old northern woman.

Not sure what difference those 10 years make but I'm looking forward to finding out.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/03/2012 21:21

well, I am a northern woman who is closer to 50 than 40

and your ex sounds like a disrespectful twat, his new gf very slightly deluded

but anyway, like you said, you don't have an issue with the gf if she is nice to your kids, so you are not exactly "bitter" are you ?

what you have an issue with, is the arrogant entitled views of your ex, who thinks you should enable his relationship with his kids, with his totty thrown in the mix too

fuck that, I say

he makes his own arrangements, since I presume he decided the grass was greener elsewhere ?

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 11/03/2012 21:25

no, not any more. Once bitten twice shy and all that.

SirGinTheUnreasonable · 11/03/2012 21:42

quickstrawpoll if I did or said any of those things to my XP I would fully expect never to be invited into her home ever again.

I'm sure at the heart of your thought is doing what's best for dc but I don't think anyone would think it reasonable to turn up for access with a new partner in tow.

Your home. Your rules.

Original poster
quickstrawpoll · 11/03/2012 21:44

he went because it was all too much responsibility here and he didn't like the way that impacted on his own wants.

He always goes for women who are around 23 (even tho he is ageing, they're always the same age) as they aren't at the settling down stage but are quite pliable. He makes them love him, give up their friends and lives for him and then cheats on them until eventually they get so fed up they make it more miserable than jolly and then he moves on to pastures new.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/03/2012 21:49

QSP, he sounds like an arse you are best rid of

I presume he employed the same tricks on you ? Sad

don't blame yourself for that love, simply congratulate yourself on being wise to it in future

SirGin has it right. His behaviour is totally disrespectful,and should not be tolerated by anyone of any gender or level of relationship

don't let him attempt to guilt-trip you into rolling over and putting up with being treated like a fool

you are not BU

feuerandwasser · 11/03/2012 22:04

He sounds like an arse of the first water...he will end up sad and alone in the end.

Original poster
quickstrawpoll · 11/03/2012 22:05

He did. I was a bit younger than the usual demographic but not so much and I genuinely thought we were meant for each other ..... Then there was, literally, an overnight revelation where I thought this much and no more and I could finally deal with him and his manipulation. Once I did his efforts to charm me stopped completely and he let me see what he is really like.

When I was younger I used to think that he loved women so much he couldn't help himself. Then I realised it is because he doesn't give a fuck about them that he can treat them so poorly.

I have felt a lot more sane for this thread .....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/03/2012 22:16

he sounds like a narcissistic

have you ever researched that at all ?

(and you are prefectly sane, btw...)

AnyFucker · 11/03/2012 22:17

"loves women" is twatspeak for "womaniser who actually hates women"

Original poster
quickstrawpoll · 11/03/2012 22:22

AF yes, I started a little thread not so long ago (name changer) saying that I suspected it and should I try and protect my (female) children from him. There were some really interesting responses from women with NPD fathers and how daughters of these men run the risk of choosing similar types when they are older. It terrifies me to think that this might happen tbh.

I'd also like to that my OP deliberately didn't refer to the history and his character. In context I don't really think IABU at all. However, I also think that, as a general point, it isn't quite so obvious as he tried to argue. It wasn't a case of AIBU by stealth - I just wanted to gauge the general view on the subject.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/03/2012 22:28

oh, did you, QSP ? That is interesting.

FWIW, I didn't know that, but I do, even on such limited information recognise certain behaviour traits (unfortunately)

Original poster
quickstrawpoll · 11/03/2012 22:31

known as co-dependency I think. Pretty miserable to contemplate Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/03/2012 22:33

aww, that is shit, love

this thread is getting a bit clinical now

I hope you are ok, and that you posting here has strengthened your resolve to not be manipulated by him

you did the right thing in asking for opinions on MN x

Original poster
quickstrawpoll · 11/03/2012 22:37

Thanks, much appreciated. Am a game old bird really and have excellent support from family and friends. He can go to fuck frankly x

Bed for me.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/03/2012 22:39

good night

and yes, I agree he can go to fuck

ballstoit · 11/03/2012 22:53

Ex-H does have DC at mine (as he refuses to provide an address), I go out. No probs as long as he has bus fare.

He has brought new GF once, by prior arrangement, but hasn't asked to since. Again, no probs.

The day he says to me that 'he will bring his GF, and I'd better get used to it" would be the last time he would come in. YANBU, and may I congratulate you on getting shot of the tosser.

Teaandcakeplease · 12/03/2012 06:57

"he went because it was all too much responsibility here and he didn't like the way that impacted on his own wants.

He always goes for women who are around 23 (even tho he is ageing, they're always the same age) as they aren't at the settling down stage but are quite pliable. He makes them love him, give up their friends and lives for him and then cheats on them until eventually they get so fed up they make it more miserable than jolly and then he moves on to pastures new."

Good grief I'm having a revelation my ExH does this.

How are you today?

Mrbojangles1 · 12/03/2012 07:50

ballstoit my view on not providing addresses of phone number well you can't have them then it's not my job to make sure ex sees kids it's his he won't tell me were he lives then no deal in my view

Original poster
quickstrawpoll · 12/03/2012 09:58

Fine and dandy. He's gone now and we can get back to normal again. We've made no arrangements for him to be here again and am not going to encourage it. Always such a relief when the visit is over. Thanks for asking.

OP posts:
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