would you allow your ex partner to ....

[quickstrawpoll]

(1) have access to the children in your family home from time to time given that he lives a long way away and;
(2) expect to bring his partner along too.

to clarify;
I have no problem with partner seeing the children (they stay at their house from time to time and she is a nice enough girl)

Also, we are not talking about picking up and dropping off children - we are talking about having meals here, playing in bedrooms (although not staying over!) etc etc

no, probably not

No, he should be taking his kids out.

I wouldn't be comfortable with it and would go to great lengths to come up with an alternative scenario which was workable.

Would need more context tbh, but am leaning towards no. It really depends on how the relationship broke down and what terms you are on now, but I doubt I'd be happy with this.

I wouldn't because I would just find it awkward. I don't think it would matter how well you got on with the ex or his partner, it would just feel weird to me.

I have my exP round for meals occaisionally, we are friends, this used to be his home too so I'm cool with it... NO WAY would I let a new partner into my home though, no way at all! (Well maybe a quick cuppa in the kitchen) - but not for anything else!
YANBU! Ask him to think how he would feel if the sitaution was reversed and you arrived at his home with new partner in tow!!

Well, I did. He had to travel a long way (his choice) so he used to book B&B but use my house as a base. Worked well for years. Depends on why you split and whether it was acrimonious (mine wasn't).

1 wouldn't bother me as I would go out as long as husband happy. I will sometimes cook my kids dinner at my exes house if they have to be dropped off there and he isn't back till late. 2 would bother me as I would feel they were playing happy families in my house. I would never take my husband to my ex's house. If he wants to come up with his partner then they take the kids out for the day. He needs to start deciding what to do with the kids. This is going to be a long term situation.

My friend insists on this as she prefers it to her ex taking them away (lack of trust) so he always comes to hers and she goes out.

we have a fairly strained relationship which is caused by him being very feckless as a parent but we can get on quite well sometimes. I have always allowed him access here because he lives 180 miles away so the children can only go there in holidays. The youngest is 2.

As for context..... he was having an affair with her whilst I was pregnant! However, oddly I don't necessarily hold this against her because it's him I have the problem with. Serial adulterer, tells lies to women all the time etc. She has my sympathy more than anything.

I was made to feel utterly unreasonable yesterday when I expressed that I didn't feel comfortable seeing her in my home with my children. The children like her, she is nice to them etc etc I just dont think I should be part of that side of things.

We had agreed a plan - namely that if I wasn't around, in limited circs, then ok for a short while. He arrived with her, knowing I was in, letting himself in with a key and without giving me any notice of the change of plan. When I said it was unacceptable he said, 'get used to it, it's how it is going to be'.

Er, I don't think so.

Prick.

You need to take the key back or change the locks.

Suggest he books a Travel Lodge family room and sees his kids there.

No I wouldn't.

If he's going to behave like that I'd change the locks too.

I personally would not be ocmfortable of someone playing happy families in my house with my chidlren while I played gooseberry.

I also have no locks on internal doors, so my personal stuff is available for all to see should they wish to go searching for it, I would not wish for an ex to possibly go thro my things if it so took his fancy.

No basically.

If he doesn't live there any more, he shouldn't have a key. What if you go on holiday? He would be able to get in, wouldn't he?

He has a key as some days (once a month say) he looks after the children whilst I am work and so needs to be in and out all day. To be honest that aspect has never felt like an issue until yesterday.

It is more the notion of feeling like a gooseberry in my own home - that is a good expression. I was saying it felt like I was being cuckolded which didn't quite seem to fit!

During our argument I told him that he should spend the next few days asking everyone he knew whether they thought what he was proposing was reasonable as I simply didn't think my reaction was over the top. Don't suppose he'll bother though.

We did (my DH and i), he had residency, but it was just her, not her partner, i wouldn't in your circumstances.

He has no right to demand anything you have done what is best for the children, up to now.

Take back the key, obviously there will be contact at pick up and drop off, how you handle that should be by mutual agreement.

That's very different then, you still need to set bounderies.

Do you really need him for child care?

Depends. I know people who still live in close proximity (ie 2 doors apart) and thye have new partners and the children are all in and out of each others houses. You are either able to maintain the relationship on a friendly level or not.

*disclaimer - the 'you' is generic, not specific to the OP.

I didn't feel comfortable seeing her in my home with my children. however, that is where the boundary is overstepped. YOUR home. End of. There is no discussion to be had.

only need him til October (and that includes needing his financial assistance as well). After that our childcare arrangements change, reduce in cost and I can go it alone without too much trouble.

Still not letting her hang about my home though.

Well, if there was any doubt before, his "get used to it, this is how it's going to be" comment would have knocked his plan on the head for sure.

Say no. Loud and clear.

"letting himself in with a key and without giving me any notice of the change of plan. When I said it was unacceptable he said, 'get used to it, it's how it is going to be'."

That alone would be enough for me to bar him from my home completely, regardless of reason. He'd either return the key to me immediately or find himself having it taken from him by someone he wouldn't like to meet again and I'd arrange for alternative childcare from now on. No way would I have him having access to my house or speaking to me like that. Though, tbh, it wouldn't have happened in the first place. He would never have had access to my home.

Edit to add that I think here you've given your ex an inch, *quickstrawpoll, and he's taken the piss as well as a mile. It's within you to put a stop to it now and not let this behaviour towards you become commonplace.

OK, your ex is NOT my ex. I went on holiday with him and DS2 last year. In two adjacent tents. He babysits DS2 for us, and we tried to matchmake my OH's ex and one of his more recent exes. (sadly no hat-wearing opportunities ensued).

He does have our door keys, and he does sometimes sleep on our couch. And we would be happy for him to do so if we were not there. But we have a very,very different relationship to the one you're describing and I would be changing the locks right now in your circumstances.

This man made choices which mean he is not welcome in your life anymore (obviously still welcome in the children's lives) therefore why should he be welcome in your home anymore? Tbh, i'd probably suggest a compromise if you get on well and given the distance, BUT knowing that he let himself into your house (why the frick does he have a key?) while you were in makes me want to (1) scream YADNBU and (2) scream at you for facilitating this.

The children should either be with you at your house, with him at his house, or with either of you on neutral ground. He needs to make steps to make seeing his children easier, not you. It was, afterall, him who has brought about this situation with his cheating.

You are allowing this man to walk all over you. Kids are a hardy species. They do not need to stay indoors, so if your Ex comes to see them for the day, they should be at the door waiting for him when he comes, and he goes away with them till the agreed return time. It is up to him to find somewhere and something to do with them.