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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

would you allow your ex partner to ....

74 replies

quickstrawpoll · 11/03/2012 11:45

(1) have access to the children in your family home from time to time given that he lives a long way away and;
(2) expect to bring his partner along too.

to clarify;
I have no problem with partner seeing the children (they stay at their house from time to time and she is a nice enough girl)

Also, we are not talking about picking up and dropping off children - we are talking about having meals here, playing in bedrooms (although not staying over!) etc etc

OP posts:

MissKeithLemon · 11/03/2012 13:10

So his new partner is actually the OW? That is awful for you, he is a prick. As others have said, take the key back and tell him he is being a massive knob.

Thats the thing with exP's - you can tell them to fuck off/put phone down/ignore as you wish! I get on fine with mine mostly, but when he is being an arse I love knowing that I don't have to engage with him at all!

Birdsgottafly · 11/03/2012 13:12

In reality he has probably more than one key.

You need a new agreement and the first condition should be that he doesn't just let himself in, he contacts you first.

It dependson the circumstances as to why she is with him, the problem is that whatever conditions that you put in place will be ignored, especially if he knows that you rely on him for childcare, so how you handle it is up to you.

Change the locks in October, though.

Birdsgottafly · 11/03/2012 13:15

If you cannot make changes now, have October be a complete new start, with distance between you.

Original poster

quickstrawpoll · 11/03/2012 13:23

thank you all - this has made me feel a lot better.

I spent last night counting the Mondays until October and working out how I can cover them. I think with some help from friends and family I will be able to manage almost all of them. Locks change in October then!

OP posts:

2rebecca · 11/03/2012 16:35

I have a key to my ex's house as it means I can pick up and drop off stuff and kids if he isn't in. I always ring doorbell first though and would never go to the house without checking it's OK first and never try and tell my ex what he can and can't do in his own house. That remark makes him sound like a total pillock.
I wouldn't want someone who spoke to me like that in my house.

Teaandcakeplease · 11/03/2012 16:41

I'd be reconsidering the boundaries in your situation. My Ex does see the children here but never with his partner.

whomovedmychocolate · 11/03/2012 16:44

I can understand why that would make you uncomfortable. Does he have to bring his partner? I can't see the problem particularly apart from that aspect.

HoudiniHissy · 11/03/2012 16:49

Anyone that said "'get used to it, it's how it is going to be'" to me about my kids in my home would be dealt a swift blow to the balls and told to FF the ff off.

He has NO right to let himself in when you are there and out of courtesy he will tell you that he is bringing his OW with him or he can get straight back in the car and drive back the 180 miles.

Your children need to see how you need to be respected. Your Ex clearly has no respect for you at all, nor even for himself or that poor deluded woman he has sadly impregnated.

Locks need to change NOW. Security lock too, so he can't just cut a key. You You give him a key when he's there, which he has to return. How DARE he?

zukiecat · 11/03/2012 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 11/03/2012 16:54

Change the locks now and find a way of making the Mondays work with family & friends!!

'get used to it, that's the way it's going to be' - would have got them both stood outside the front of the house. Fuckwit.

I can't possibly imagine why he's your ex.

Also, you are doing well not to blame her for it all, sensible approach but I'd be pissed with both of them. I wouldn't want her in my house, it would be far too much rubbing my nose in it, to see her with my child who was in my womb while she was fucking my husband.

Oh and I can see the problem with even just having him in the house - it's his sense of entitlement and his 'I don't give a fuck how you feel about it' attitude - he would not be welcome. It is your home, your personal space - he has no right to be in it.

HoudiniHissy · 11/03/2012 17:08

sorry, realised that the OW/GF is NOT pg... got confused there

tralalala · 11/03/2012 17:18

He sounds a right one.
Would like to say a huge well done for not having a big beef with her, I think I would have struggled.
But given she is going to play a part in your kids life it is so very good to have a civil relationship with her. it's hard enough being a step-parent (or there abouts) without being hated.

The better you get on, the better her relationship will be with the kids and the more happy they will be.

Also she will have more influence (rightly or wrongly) on how your ex behaves with his relationship with his children (and you) than just about anyone else.

well done again

RabidEchidna · 11/03/2012 17:24

Would not bother me TBH

RabidEchidna · 11/03/2012 17:27

OK have now read more, He is a twat

Hopandaskip · 11/03/2012 17:32

After your first post my response would have been that it depended how good friends we were.

After your second post my response is now, no, no, not ever. He totally overstepped with that comment and you need to put your foot down, he is treating you like a child and it needs to be stopped.

JustHecate · 11/03/2012 17:35

I wouldn't. Not under the circumstances you describe. If we'd parted amicably then yes. I would. But shagging about behind your back and wanting to play happy families in your home with the woman he was betraying you with?

I think not.

hairytaleofnewyork · 11/03/2012 17:44

Yes (for the sake of rhe kids) and no (becUse of the affair) OP.

NowThenWreck · 11/03/2012 18:13

Yes, I do.
No, I wouldn't

feuerandwasser · 11/03/2012 18:19

Agree with justhecate...especially after the twatish comments he made to you.

Why does she have to be there anyway? I don't know why she would want to come, just shows neither of them understand appropriate behaviour.

Inertia · 11/03/2012 18:28

No. He absolutely does not call the shots over what happens in your home. I would be changing the locks now and sorting alternative child care TBH.

Mrbojangles1 · 11/03/2012 18:44

Can I just say my friend did this you will be storing up a whole load of issues for your self

These are the issues that my mate had

Going through her stuff when she was out

2.expecting her to go out when he visited

Not wanting to leave when it was time to go (sometimes he would still be their at mid night )

4.getting ammunition for later date eg saying her house was dirty

When she did get a bf this arrangemnt couldn't continue and their was hell to pay by him and the kids who couldn't understand why daddy couldn't come round any more (it can never be a long term arrangemnt so why start)

Led to her youngest thinking they were back together all children see is dinner being cooked daddy sitting in his old chair ECt

Him thinking he could just turn up whenever

Personally if he lives far then he needs to have summer hols, Easter ECt and long weekends once a month espically if he was the one who moved away

Mrbojangles1 · 11/03/2012 18:45

Even if now you are mates I wouldn't things can turn sour pretty quick

SarahStratton · 11/03/2012 18:52

Christ no.

I did, up until this summer, when he came up to see the DDs. He rapidly became v abusive, wouldn't leave etc. I discovered that his GF had thrown him out and he had walked out of his job. I had the devil's own job getting rid, in the end the Police very kindly escorted him off the premises.

I changed my locks that day.

SirGinTheUnreasonable · 11/03/2012 20:35

I live some distance from my XP. I'm the NRP ( god I hate that term )

anyway, I and my XP do make an effort to get on and it generally works ok. When visiting in the week I'm very greatful that my XP let's me into her home because I don't want to be wandering the streets or sitting in McDonalds with dd.

We do of course go out and do stuff, but on occasion if for instance dd was a bit under the weather, it's invaluable that XP let's me play with dd at her place.

I wouldn't dream of turning up with a partner though. I'd consider it totally disrespectful.

And i also wouldn't dream of letting myself into her home without her express permission.

All about reeeeeespekt innit.

Original poster

quickstrawpoll · 11/03/2012 20:46

the reason he gave for bringing her is that he has been busy with work recently and is away the next two weekends and she wanted to spend some time with him. I told him that given that he hadnt seen his children since mid-Feb (and given he lives with the gf that her sensibilities shouldn't interfere with his scheduled time with them. To no avail obviously.

also, she is very young (14 years younger than me) and I know how he will be playing her. I have good reason to suspect he is messing her around on any number of levels and so she probably is insecure and vulnerable. However, she isn't my friend and not my problem.

OP posts:

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