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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like my first mother's day has been hijacked?

55 replies

iCANdothisiCAN · 11/03/2012 09:06

Ok, I'm pretty sure iabu so am not going to do anything about it but just wanted to know if I'm being a total cowbag or not.

First mother's day this year. Spent 4 years ttc so it's a huge milestone for me, one I thought I'd never see. Unfortunately am now separated from h so feeling quite teary about the whole thing.

So in other words this first mother's day is going to be massively emotional for me as I'll be so happy to be a mummy but very sad it's not how I imagined it would be.

My mother came to visit the other day and announced "this year for mother's day I've decided to hold a lunch for everyone". That was it, not a question, an announcement.

She went on to say it's because she thinks it will be the best solution for everyone. My sister's bil is very ill and her fil recently passed.away so understandably her and her husband will want to spend time with his mother. So she has invited her too to save them having to split their time between the two mother's. Fair enough I think.

She also says it will be easier for her as she can invite my nanna so saves her the trip of going there. She thinks it will be lovely for us all to be together at the same time so no one feels torn. Completely understand all that so have said nothing, just smiled along.

The thing is I feel upset about it and I don't know why. I think it's mainly because I feel like I've been railroaded. Like "this is what's happening" end of. Like what I may want to do hasn't even been considered. I know I'm going to find the day very bitter sweet and so I'd pretty much decided to spend it just me and ds. I would obviously have visited both my mother and nanna but done it when I felt up to it and then left if and when I needed too. With this dinner I know it will be a most-of-the-day thing. We'll be there from mid morning until early evening.

I don't know, I'm rambling, I think I'm just upset at it not being acknowledged that it's my first mother's day and asked what I wanted to do. It's a really special first and I just feel like it's been taken over.

I'm not going to say anything and of course I will paint on my smile and make.sure no one knows how I feel but AIBU to feel like this? And if so how do I stop it?

OP posts:
Westcountrylovescheese · 11/03/2012 09:12

It is possible that your mum realises that you are going to be emotional and is doing this to make sure you are surrounded by people that love you... sounds Luke something my mum would try but would find it difficult to raise so would 'rail road' as you say.

It might help just to think of it like that anyway....

Another thing to remember is that mothers day is about the child and the mother, it's not fathers day. You sound like you are very happy being a mother, so enjoy it from that angle, and enjoy sending it with people you love and care about... especially ur mum and nan.

troisgarcons · 11/03/2012 09:12

I think being with your family - all ladies and mothers together would be a wonderful thing. Shows how close and supportive you all are.

Go look at some of the other threads wehre MILS are demanding their sons spend the day with them, excluding the sons own wife and children ....

Always a positive if you look for it!

If you don't go - then it will just be another Sunday; you and the baby and not a lot happening.

Westcountrylovescheese · 11/03/2012 09:13

Sounds like, not Luke....

LindyHemming · 11/03/2012 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pancakeflipper · 11/03/2012 09:13

I think your mother has tried to do what she thinks is best for everyone knowing there's a edge of sadness.

Could you not get there a little later to spend time with your family so you get that time alone, take the buggy so you could take DS for a walk after lunch.

I think it will probably not be as bad as you think once there. Your mother will worry about you if you aren't there. Take her love and accept you will find the day a bit difficult. I am presuming you have a kind mother and not a controlling dragon.

Iatemyskinnyperson · 11/03/2012 09:13

I think possibly you might be upset because it's not what you imagined your first mothers day to be? Cos I think it sounds like a lovely idea. Shes trying to celebrate in a way that includes everyone, from what I can see. Maybe she thought it would be easier on you rather than celebrating your first mothers day ever, without your partner?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/03/2012 09:14

YANBU to feel the way you do but your mother does seem to have come up with a good solution for the day itself that meets a lot of people's requirements. Left to your own devices, staying home alone with your baby might have proved to be depressing. Being with you family is going to be a good diversion and will prevent you wallowing. Celebrate being a mother on the other 365 days of this year, perhaps

troisgarcons · 11/03/2012 09:15

Wish my mother was still here Sad

YouOldSlag · 11/03/2012 09:15

YABU. You're not the only mother in the world and I think your Mum is being kind by including everyone. You never know, you might actually enjoy it.

Also, you have been invited, which means you can decline. it's not a court summons. If you want to sit at home treating yourself (on your own) because it's your first mother's day, then you can.

However, the lunch sounds nice, so if it was me I would be thinking "Thank you for organising something for me that I didn't have to organise myself and it's also good that I can spend Mother's day with my own mother this way"

I really don't see the problem.

abrakebabra · 11/03/2012 09:16

what cogito said.

Theas18 · 11/03/2012 09:18

Honestly I think it a great idea. How else where you planning to spent the day? Home alone with the baby ? Plenty of days for that...

You're a mum now but you also still have a mum - Indulge her little bonkers ideas and enjoy it.

SarahStratton · 11/03/2012 09:18

TBH I think a multi-generational celebration of Mothers Day sounds a lovely idea. Try looking at it the other way, it's your first Mothers Day and you get to spend it in the bosom of your family, as they celebrate it with you.

Or you could just tell yourself that it's over-commercialised hype. Bah humbug.

AlbertoFrog · 11/03/2012 09:23

If you don't want to go can I go instead? We tend not to do anything other than cards and I'd love a meal cooked for me.

Seriously though, you're upset because it's not what you wished for when you were in the planning stages of being a mum. Sorry, but real life's rarely how we imagine it's going to be.

Try to enjoy your family while you've still got them around you and perhaps for now you could have a special day with DS on the Saturday? Maybe start a whole new tradition.

Good luck.

MrsMumf · 11/03/2012 09:24

I agree that first Mothering Sunday feels like it should be special so YANBU in that regard. I think your mum probably is worrying that it won't be special for you because your partner is not there to organise something on behalf of your DS and wants to step into the breach.

Maybe you and DS can do something just you two in the morning before joining the others for lunch?

Original poster
iCANdothisiCAN · 11/03/2012 09:25

You're right, I think she is trying to "cheer the day up". I think she knows i'm going to be a bit sad and has no idea how to handle it so thinks ignoring it is the best option.

The thing is she's a massive drama queen so I know i'm going to spend the whole time walking on egg shells. It's going to be a combination of her being massively over the top look-at-how-happy-and-cheerful-and-wonderful-this-is and avoiding the asides of are-you-ok-you-must-be-so-sad.

It makes me sound like a brat I know but it just would have been nice if she'd asked me if I had made any plans.

As for mil, i'm already getting it in the neck because she wants to see ds too so he's spending the evening there.

OP posts:
CuffingChunt · 11/03/2012 09:26

It sounds like a lovely suggestion.
It doesn't stop you enjoying your DC .

Goawaybob · 11/03/2012 09:26

I totally understand why you are upset, because its all about the hubby going out with DCs and buying naff pressie and chocolate. I am sorry that things didn't work out with your husband. I was in a similar situation with DD1 as i wasnt with her father, so my parents used to do the present buying. It was lovely of them, but not quite the same.

I would however be embracing the idea, its a lovely opportunity to get together with your mum and having a lovely day together. There will be many mothers days in years to come when your DD will be spoiling you with dodgy breakfasts in bed and naff pressies.

Congratulations on your DD btw x

Portofino · 11/03/2012 09:27

To me Mother's Day doesn't count until YOUR child is old enough to make a card, help with nice breakfast etc. I would make the most of your family - my mother died donkey's years ago and I think this year will be my Nan's last......

Threeprinces · 11/03/2012 09:28

YANBU to feel like that, I can understand how you must feel.

That said, your mum is trying to do the best and celebrate mothers day with you, I just hope they all remember you're a mum now too and that it is a special day for you too.

I have been surprised on previous threads about how much people here emphasise the older mums whereas in our family bond of them live near so it's a card and pressie in the post and a phone call. The day itself is then about our younger family. These threads do make me reassess though.

Threeprinces · 11/03/2012 09:28

None of them not bond of them!!

AThingInYourLife · 11/03/2012 09:30

You don't have to go if you prefer not to.

The chance to have a quiet day with your son is still there - nobody can take that away from you.

I'm not sure who you expected to ask you how you would like your first mother's day to be.

Your DS is presumably far too young, and your mother has a lot of competing needs to juggle (which she seems to be doing admirably).

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/03/2012 09:30

I think you're going to have to rise to the occasion. Having also been a lone parent since birth (and there's no ex in the picture), I know that all the 'biggies'... birthdays, Christmas, mothers/fathers day, valentines day, New Years Eve ... could be emotional days to sit and wallow in self-pity if you let them. But that would be a waste of a perfectly good life. When your DS can present you with a bunch of daffs or a crayonned picture personally, that's your first mothers day. In the meantime, put on your party frock, fix the smile, let your mother cheer you up and you'll find your mood lifts whether you want it to or not.

shotinfoot · 11/03/2012 09:33

Both my mother and MIL died before my DCs were born, MIL when I was 6 months pregnant with DS1.

I find Mothers Day incredibly difficult. We don't go out anywhere special as I can't bear to see generational family outings, it's too painful.

I realise life hasn't turned out as you wanted but mothers day, more than any other should be a time to celebrate ALL the mothers in your family, your own especially.

Original poster
iCANdothisiCAN · 11/03/2012 09:35

Sorry, a few x posts.

Firstly trois i'm so sorry for your loss, you must feel it terribly this time of year. I'm truly sorry if I upset you.

It's most definitely not an invite I can decline. There would be massive histrionics and untold dramatics.

I know I'm sounding horrible and yes I know i'm very lucky to have a family I think it just feels a bit stifling. I was always going to visit everyone just under my own steam so I could leave if it got too much.

OP posts:
LIZS · 11/03/2012 09:36

It's only lunch ! You'll surely still have the morning to spend time with your dc and could go out for a nice walk in the afternoon.

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