To feel like my first mother's day has been hijacked?

[iCANdothisiCAN]

Ok, I'm pretty sure iabu so am not going to do anything about it but just wanted to know if I'm being a total cowbag or not.

First mother's day this year. Spent 4 years ttc so it's a huge milestone for me, one I thought I'd never see. Unfortunately am now separated from h so feeling quite teary about the whole thing.

So in other words this first mother's day is going to be massively emotional for me as I'll be so happy to be a mummy but very sad it's not how I imagined it would be.

My mother came to visit the other day and announced "this year for mother's day I've decided to hold a lunch for everyone". That was it, not a question, an announcement.

She went on to say it's because she thinks it will be the best solution for everyone. My sister's bil is very ill and her fil recently passed.away so understandably her and her husband will want to spend time with his mother. So she has invited her too to save them having to split their time between the two mother's. Fair enough I think.

She also says it will be easier for her as she can invite my nanna so saves her the trip of going there. She thinks it will be lovely for us all to be together at the same time so no one feels torn. Completely understand all that so have said nothing, just smiled along.

The thing is I feel upset about it and I don't know why. I think it's mainly because I feel like I've been railroaded. Like "this is what's happening" end of. Like what I may want to do hasn't even been considered. I know I'm going to find the day very bitter sweet and so I'd pretty much decided to spend it just me and ds. I would obviously have visited both my mother and nanna but done it when I felt up to it and then left if and when I needed too. With this dinner I know it will be a most-of-the-day thing. We'll be there from mid morning until early evening.

I don't know, I'm rambling, I think I'm just upset at it not being acknowledged that it's my first mother's day and asked what I wanted to do. It's a really special first and I just feel like it's been taken over.

I'm not going to say anything and of course I will paint on my smile and make.sure no one knows how I feel but AIBU to feel like this? And if so how do I stop it?

Agree with Porto The special Mother's Day start when your DS makes you a card and "spoils" you by helping out etc.

I think it would be nice to spend this year with your relatives, however I get your point about your Mum being a bit over the top. So could you limit your time there? Don't stay for most of the day. Tell a white lie and say you have to go home and sort some things out before DS goes to MILs. That way you can make an early exit. Or don't arrive first thing, wait until an hour before lunch?

I think that she is just being helpful. It may be your first mother's day, but as DC is too young to know I can't see how it would be special without the help of adults.

I think her suggestion actually sounds lovely - all the fab mothers together, enjoying lunch and celebrating themselves - I'd go in a shot, and enjoy showing off my lovely dc.

sounds like a bit of backstory, that you find your mum can be hard work at times, shall we say, as it certainly sounds like a lovely idea in theory, a multi-generational mother's day. With a young baby, you can always find some excuse to leave after a respectable amount of time, say 2 or 3 hours. What's the story with MIL? why do you feel pushed into letting her have your child for the evening?

This has made me very very sad . I really try to ignore Mother's Day- but remember spending the day with my Mum and my lovely grandmother. You may not have a husband- but your child is so so lucky to have a multigenerational party of aunt and GM and GGM to support her/him. Think of it as combining International Women's Day as well!

I was with my H on our first Mothers Day - he ignored the whole thing completely. No card, no gifts (and i actually don't care about those), no dinner cooked for me, no 'happy mothers day', no nothing. I was so surpised I couldn't say anything. Took a few years before I did. I phoned my Mum in the evening and we wished each other a Happy Mothers Day. She was shocked he'd done nothing and decided to be 'in charge' of it from then on.

This year we are finally separated (8 years later - what was I doing?) and Sunday is H's day with the kids (in my home), so really looking forward to that, not! I would ask to swap but DS1 is out on the saturday and H will kick off about not seeing him.

On the other hand, DS1 (8) was really bothered a couple of weeks back that he wouldn't be able to make me breakfast in bed all by himself, so we practised together at half term and i've had breakfast in bed each weekend since. That really makes up for it!

It's not about your H, it's about you and your lovely son and the family that love you lots. You're not going to have to do any cooking or boring stuff, you're not going to be lonely (not suggesting you would necessarily be anyway) and you're going to have a great day playing with your son. And how nice for his grandma and great grandma to be about to spend a whole day with him too.

Relax and enjoy

(but FWIW I would probably have been annoyed initially too, but as parents live 250 miles away never likely to be an issue!)

Patsys your DS sounds a lovely boy!

Would you be able to move Mother's Day to the Sat rather than the Sunday?

Gosh how lovely and generous your mother sounds. She is trying to do the right thing for everyone, including you. I lost my mother last year and this coming mothers day will be painful for me and my father. But I wouldn't dream of locking myself away for the day. I want to see my other mother (MIL) and I want to spend time with Dad. You do come across as a bit precious.

As everyone has said, it sounds like a 'nice' idea. I think the reason your upset is because your mum is a 'drama queen' and it is 'not an invitation you can say no to'.

Therefore, even if you agree it's a nice idea you feel forced in to going whether you like it or not and that's the part that's annoying.

I know you say that if you refuse to go there will be histrionics etc but this still doesn't mean you can't say no. You are an adult and despite your mum telling you how to spend your mothers day you can actually say no, it might not be easy but you can.

Maybe you'd feel better if you said to her something like 'it's a lovely idea but I really wanted to spend it alone with ds, I'll have a think about it'. That way, even if you decide to go anyway you might feel more like its on your terms?

OP why does MIL have to have your DS in the evening? Can you not at least get out of that one so that your whole day isn't taken over?

I'm so sorry for those who have posted about their losses. I do understand how lucky I am to have a family. I would never dismiss that at all.

My mother and I get on ok but we are very very different. She is very overdramatic and likes to be the centre of attention. I agree the lunch is a great idea and it's lovely that everyone can be involved but unfortunately her other motive will be that she gets to be "queen bee". She loves everyone being together as does every mother but loves it all the more that she is the hostess. It's hard to explain but she revels in it all being her idea iyswim.

She's very full-on in situations like this and I know i'm going to find it quite overpowering on this occasion. There won't be an option of arriving late or leaving early without prompting huge displays of disappointment and howls of anguish at how utterly tragic my situation is and how terribly terribly sad she is for me.

She doesn't deal with situations well so there is nothing inbetween over the top really false cheerfulness and floods of tears.

It's the threat of unleashing all the dramatics that's making it worse I think. If I could be confident that it would be just a nice family lunch, spend some time all together then go and do your own thing, it would be ok. I just don't want to spend all day pretending i'm ok.

When I read this thread title I thought oh no 'Mother's day' was today! I use this day as a chance to not have to do as much housework-at least a meal out means no washing up for you. You'll get over this and enjoy your day I hope.

dairy nail on the head. It's the no choice part. As difficult as she can be it really is a lovely idea. I know I will go and probably enjoy most of it. I just would have liked it to have had the option of saying no if I didn't feel up to it.

"her other motive will be that she gets to be "queen bee"."

As it's Mother's Day and she's your mother queen bee is therefore not such a strange idea. We all like a bit of that from time to time. Pre-empt any histrionics in advance by telling her not to mention the break-up. Say you want to keep things very normal, as do the other people in the family that are having problems. Ask others to keep an eye on her (not difficult if she has a reputation), change the subject or support you if she starts to make a big deal of it. If there really are 'howls of anguish' and mentions of tragedies practice how you're going to close them down. If all else fails, leave and hang the consequences.

Maybe you should also have heart to heart with her at some stage. If you're honest about your feelings and if you outline exactly how you'd like her to support you, perhaps she'd handle it better.

I agree with what a couple of other people have said.

You should just try and go for a part of the day, I know you say she is dramatic but if you do not contain said drama now what will happen at Christmas (and every Christmas after that for the next 18 years?). Just tell her what time you will be there and when you are leaving, if she doesn't like it it is tough really because she has just landed it on you without a suggestion before arranging it. Sounds harsh but I think the meal will be nice (something else cooking/everyone together) but you should be asked first, rather than expected once it's arranged otherwise that's how resentment starts.

Also as others have said why does MIL need to see your DS on Mothers Day?

I don't see why your MIL is demanding your ds for the evening. She's not his mother or yours. Send him another day if you want to keep him with you.

I'm sorry you feel like this. If you do go under your own steam as I think you said you would upthread, can you duck out if you have had enough? Small DCs need naps etc, don't they .

I understand that your mum can be suffocating, but I think if you can just let that go and remember she is just trying to do the best thing for everyone, then that will help. Don't mean to sound preachy, I would be feeling quite wobbly too I think in your circumstances

You sound lovely and I think you are being very kind in taking your DS to your MILs.

I'd give the world to see my mum on Mothers Day or any other day. I won't even see my DC as my DS lives abroad and DD is spending the day with her m-i-l ho has arranged a family get together for the whole weekend. I will have my special day on the 24th when DD is treating me to a day out. I think you are very lucky.

Thank you, I know deep down that iabu. My mother has always been like she is and always will be. I completely accept that and at all other times can just ignore all the madness and just be grateful that I have her and that underneath she is a good and caring mother.

cogito your advice is spot on, the best way really is just to distract and change the subject before she gets chance to get on a roll!

I know it's everything else i'm upset about really. It's not having the lovely lie-in and being woken by h bringing ds in with a daft card and pointless present. If the situation were different and I'd had that morning I kn

Stupid phone.

If the situation were different and the morning had been how I imagined it would be I wouldn't have thought twice about the lunch. Would just have gone and enjoyed it for what it is.

iCAN I think you have to be more assertive and hang the consequences. You will then feel more in control.

If you want to leave ealier, then tell her this week, by text maybe, that you will be leaving at x o clock, as you have to sort things before DS goes out to MILs. If she starts any dramitic nonsense, just tell her, you can understand she feels upset but you have to think of DS and fitting everything in on a busy day. If she continues to go on and on, I would tell her you will be thinking of not coming at all if she carries on, as it will spoil everyones day.

You are an adult iCAN and you are a Mum. You are allowed to make your own plans and to feel in control. If your Mum chooses to behave in a silly way, that is her decision. It is NOT your responsibility. Avoiding confrontation by not doing as you please is not a way to live your life.

Keep repeating to yourself "I am an adult, I can make my own decisions"

Sorry x posted iCAN

I'd guess there have been lots of situations where you have been told what is happening rather than asked. That's probably why this one occasion feels a bit like its come to a head. It's not selfish to want to celebrate your first mothers day in your own way, even of you celebrate it your mums way, as an adult that should be your choice.

Maybe this is a bit of a lightbulb moment for you that in the future you need to find techniques and ways to assert yourself so you don't feel forced to do things you'd rather choose to do.

I saw a counsellor about my own parents (mother sounds a lot like yours) and one simple tip she gave me was to just tell my parents I would be doing this or would be doing that. So, instead of running things by them or asking their opinion, just announce (as your mum did) that that's what I'm going to do. It gives them less chance to question it and no explanation is required.

It's not fair to make people do things without asking their opinion whether they're your daughter or not. Your mum should have presented you with the idea and asked what you thought, giving you a chance to say yes or no. She's obviously used to getting her own way and throwing a hissy fit if she doesn't. Because she's used to using this technique, which personally I believe is quite manipulative, then she knows she's likely to get her own way a lot.

Maybe you should have a think, try and imagine your mum had asked you if you wanted to go rather than telling you, and then decide whether you'd really like to go.

No apologies needed! You're right.

I do manage to be assertive most of the time. I will normally call her on it if she goes too far even though to be honest it just fuels the fire as she then gets to wallow in how terrible her daughter is, that she is upset and that she's just doing it because she cares and loves me so much, she doesn't know why I don't understand that etc etc etc.

I think this one is just making me feel a bit wobbly because I know how exhausting the whole thing is going to be!

dairynips my god you're good!