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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel guilty about MIL - is DH being unreasonable?

73 replies

TheCountessOlenska · 10/03/2012 21:05

MIL has had life long problems with anxiety - never sought professional help - but managed ok with everything while she had support from FIL. Very sadly FIL passed away a few years ago, of a horrible illness which obviously didn't help with her mental health at all. Now he has gone she has more or less retreated from the world outside her home (she doesn't drive, doesn't have social life, doesn't have internet, no longer had TV as couldn't cope with change to digital etc).

The year FIL died, we had DD - her first grandchild. We continued to drive the 2 - 3 hours to visit her but this started to become more of a chore for us (i.e travelling with screaming baby in car!). I've never had a problem with this, as I understood she was/is grieving and the idea of travelling to see us on the train was too much for her.

DH, however, feels increasingly let down by her refusal to travel to see us. His attitude is that it is easier for her to get trains and taxis than for us to drive with DD (she really objects to long car journeys!).

She has been to see us on the train twice since DD was born two years ago - both times she has worked herself up into a complete state about it.
We have driven down as much as we can but it is a pain because of DD crying all the way and also it is a four hour plus round trip - we can't stay over easily because there is no double bed and DD co-sleeps with us.
Anyway, DH has told her that it is her "turn" to come and see us on the train.

Today I got a letter from her (unusual in itself) and she has put that in it that DH had told her that she has to come up, and that she has had "three sleepless nights already at the thought of it" . . . God, I feel really guilty now. I am going to say to DH that I think we should drive down again - but I know he will say no, she has to come to us.

Should we force her to face her fears and come on the train, not pander to the anxiety problems? Or for the sake of DD seeing her grandma should we just keep driving down??

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 10/03/2012 21:08

If she's truly anxious, then it is cruel to make her come on the train.

What I would do, is encourage her to speak to her GP about her anxiety. It's not too late to get some help.

If you want to see her, you should go to her.

DoMeDon · 10/03/2012 21:08

Can you not get the train? Maybe stay in a hotel near her for a couple of nights?

PikachusMate · 10/03/2012 21:09

Drive down.

If she is behaving strangely and out of character then she is trying to tell you there is a problem.

Pooka · 10/03/2012 21:11

Oh dear.

I really do think that your dh is being rather unkind.

Are there things that you could do to make an overnight stay more feasible, in terms of the sleeping set up.

Anxiety can be crippling, and she may be yearning to visit but so completely mentally unable to, which means a standoff like this one is just going to end so badly - with her being more isolated from family and more alone. Is there any possibility that your dh could help her get professional help? With the understanding that this has to be in conjunction with kindness rather than ultimatums?

MrsCampbellBlack · 10/03/2012 21:11

I'd drive down and could you not help her with tv - just sort it out for her.

She sounds to be in a dreadful state which is very sad.

Does your DH normally get on well with her?

MySunshineInGreySkies · 10/03/2012 21:11

Don't make her, he is being unreasonable.

Choufleur · 10/03/2012 21:12

Could she not get a bed for you at her house so that it's easier for you to stay there?

ivanapoo · 10/03/2012 21:12

Maybe your DH sees her behaviour as manipulative rather than anxiety- driven. It's a tricky one to call without knowing more. Maybe he wants her to make more effort and feels a bit neglected, or is just worried and anxious himself perhaps at his mother's ongoing degeneration?

Do you mind if I ask how old she is?

AdventureInKL · 10/03/2012 21:12

Can't you get the train?

Kayano · 10/03/2012 21:14

I think you don't quite get how bad anxiety and pani attacks are and she won't be rational and probably distressed at the way she feels anyway.

She is probably very keenly aware
Of her shortcomings and issues already. I can assure you she will not be doin this for an easy life or to get out of 'her turn'

AdventureInKL · 10/03/2012 21:14

What exactly is there, bed-wise? Does it really need to be a double bed? Can't you all sleep on the floor? 2 singles? It all sounds a bit precious tbh.

Crocodilio · 10/03/2012 21:15

Why does your dd cry all the way in the car? If you can resolve this first, it would surely become a less stressful journey for you to visit her.

OriginalJamie · 10/03/2012 21:15

I don't think that just telling her is going to work. Yes it is incredibly frustrating, but if she's got an anxiety disorder then she needs professional help.

Hassled · 10/03/2012 21:15

I take it there's no one who could go with her on the train - an old friend of hers or someone who you'd be happy to put up as well? Is DH the only child? And in the longer term, what can you do - would she think about moving to be closer to you? Because while yes, I think you should do the drive (2 hours each way really isn't that much - maybe work out ways you can break it up for your DD, get more car-friendly toys etc), it isn't sustainable as she gets older and more fragile and needs more attention.

ImperialBlether · 10/03/2012 21:15

I wouldn't normally recommend this, as a two hour trip is ideal for inlaws, but would she accept living nearer to you? She sounds in an awful state. The poor woman, unable to even watch television.

I do think your husband is seeing this as an inconvenience rather than looking clearly at his poor mum and realising how much she needs help.

This will only get worse unless it's dealt with soon.

LydiaWickham · 10/03/2012 21:16

I'd also suggest getting the train to her, if a letter is out of character, then you need to consider it's her way of asking for help.

Train is easier than long car journey with a little one, apart from anything else, you can take them out of the buggy and let them run up and down (yes, yes, I know, everyone else hates you for this, but still) take toys.

Or, drive but stay in cheap hotel near by.

OriginalJamie · 10/03/2012 21:17

I agree about the letter being a request for help

everlong · 10/03/2012 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bobyan · 10/03/2012 21:18

Why not agree to visit only on the condition that she books a GP appointment with you there to discuss her anxiety...

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/03/2012 21:18

I think he is being unkind.

Would she consider moving to be near to you to avoid all of this? If she has no life outside her home then presumably there is nothing important that she would leave behind?

FetchezLaVache · 10/03/2012 21:19

I agree with everyone else. Whilst it might be easier on paper for her to come to you, your DH clearly isn't taking her anxiety on board. Is it feasible for you to stay in a hotel or B&B, as DMD suggested? Also, could you perhaps sort her out with freeview so at least she'd have TV, as it sounds like she would actually like to be able to watch it if it were possible?

NeshBugger · 10/03/2012 21:21

How much is the train journey? How feasible is it, that you pay a private hire company to bring her to yours?

NeshBugger · 10/03/2012 21:23

And what kind of senior support is she getting near her home?

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 10/03/2012 21:23

Could you maybe go to visit her for a long visit, stay in a nearby cheap hotel and go with her to the GP? It might help her feel less anxious if she has someone to go with her. She needs to get treatment for this, it is ruining her life, the poor woman. Locking herself away with no contact with outside world would ring alarm bells with me.

I do understand how your DH feels though as it must be very frustrating for everyone involved.

abbierhodes · 10/03/2012 21:24

You have one child. We are talking about a two hour journey, during which she is old enough to be entertained. I could understand if we were talking about a newborn who you had to stop and breastfeed, or even if you had 2 kids under 3 or something.
His mother is all alone in the world, without even a tv for company, in the midst of a depression that is crippling her. Your husband is being a complete and utter selfish wanker.

And as someone above said, for the love of god sort the poor woman's tv out. How hard can it be??