Feel guilty about MIL - is DH being unreasonable?

[TheCountessOlenska]

MIL has had life long problems with anxiety - never sought professional help - but managed ok with everything while she had support from FIL. Very sadly FIL passed away a few years ago, of a horrible illness which obviously didn't help with her mental health at all. Now he has gone she has more or less retreated from the world outside her home (she doesn't drive, doesn't have social life, doesn't have internet, no longer had TV as couldn't cope with change to digital etc).

The year FIL died, we had DD - her first grandchild. We continued to drive the 2 - 3 hours to visit her but this started to become more of a chore for us (i.e travelling with screaming baby in car!). I've never had a problem with this, as I understood she was/is grieving and the idea of travelling to see us on the train was too much for her.

DH, however, feels increasingly let down by her refusal to travel to see us. His attitude is that it is easier for her to get trains and taxis than for us to drive with DD (she really objects to long car journeys!).

She has been to see us on the train twice since DD was born two years ago - both times she has worked herself up into a complete state about it.
We have driven down as much as we can but it is a pain because of DD crying all the way and also it is a four hour plus round trip - we can't stay over easily because there is no double bed and DD co-sleeps with us.
Anyway, DH has told her that it is her "turn" to come and see us on the train.

Today I got a letter from her (unusual in itself) and she has put that in it that DH had told her that she has to come up, and that she has had "three sleepless nights already at the thought of it" . . . God, I feel really guilty now. I am going to say to DH that I think we should drive down again - but I know he will say no, she has to come to us.

Should we force her to face her fears and come on the train, not pander to the anxiety problems? Or for the sake of DD seeing her grandma should we just keep driving down??

tbh, if a family member was as anxious as you say, I wouldn't think twice about the drive time for me, dh and our dd. You need to work out a resolution for a screaming baby in the car - would she take a dummy at this time, or could you drive during her nap time so she sleeps in the car?

At a distance of two hours away, Id go for the day, if MIL needed, and come home that night. Or, one of you bunk in a single with your dd if you cosleep. It sounds like she needs help, support and understanding, not a short shrift from your DH.

Thanks all - yes, I think you might be right all those who said the letter might be a cry for help. I'm just very unsure what to do.

Obviously it's not just the issue of coming to see us on the train - DH is frustrated with all her issues - her phobia of technology for example which means we are unable to email/skype/ email photos/vids of DD. She did get a mobile phone when FIL was ill but was in tears in the mobile phone shop and refused to get one which did anything other than phone calls, so we can't text pics either.

We have offered to sort out the TV situation but she refuses. Money is definitely no object, she claims not to need one anymore.

I wouldn't say she is in a "terrible state" exactly - she seems quite happy within the narrow confines of her life. She loves gardening, sewing, radio. She has her sister and her dad nearby who she is very close to.

Yes - DD will probably grow out of the car thing anyway, that is not the real issue. I just think DH is angry with her . A lot of issues from when his dad was dying. They are both grieving still I think.

She is 60 btw.

Oh dear. Well if she's got other family near by and listens to the radio - that's not as 'alone' as I imagined.

But its very sad that you DH is so angry at her - for both of them.

That's a good solution Everlong.

Just wanted to say OP, what a nice daughter inlaw you are. Anxiety is a terrible thing, not rational at all. You will do the right thing about MIL.

It sounds as if she might be agoraphobic. Probably over the years she and her DH developed a routine which meant there was no incentive to address it.

It might be quite a tough nut to crack treatment wise as it will involve her facing her fears, but she's certainly not too old. CBT would do it

My dd is also 2 (in Jan). She only goes in a car seat rarely as we don't have a car but she used to scream pretty much as soon as she went in it (when we got picked up at train staion by gp's) to when we got to their house 20 mins later. Then one day we just tried putting it in a more upright position and she was so much better, still not a huge fan of travelling in a car but was happy enough to be able to keep her distracted until we got to our destination.

Probably if you are using a car seat more often than us then you have already tried all the different settings to see what is best, but I just thought I'd share our experience.

Also though, travelling on the train is quite easy for us as at least if all else fails we can just walk her up and down the ailses to keep her distracted.

But otoh, of it were my mil, whilst it would depend on the situation of the rest of the family and if she was left on her own etc, but yes I would expect her to make a bit of an effort to come and see us some of the tme. (But them I'm not very sympathetic at the best of times).

--- the treatement (if it is an anxiety/panic disorder) would involve graded exposure to difficult situations so she gets the chance to experience the anxiety to a manageable degree and realise she can cope with it, as well as controlling the symptoms of anxiety with relaxation, and mastering the anxiety-inducing thoughts

Many older people can't text, etc. I think it's a bit daft to be upset she can;t skype or get text pics. You could print off a few pics in boots once a month for her. She would probably love to get the post too. She just sounds a traditionalist.

Having said that I can see your DH POV - growing up with an anxious person must grind you down. Anger is also a big part of the grieving process so toatlly natural to be angry with her for some time. Maybe counselling would help him so he doesn;t get stuck in the angry phase?

Maybe it is her turn - could one of you go and collect her and she stay a few days and drop her off? Really think about getting train to see her - DD might enjoy that.

Sorry but your dh is being unreasonable. Do yourself a favour and buy one of those portable DVD jobbies, stick Barney/peppa pig/annoying repetitive child's programme of your choice on, give her some chocolate to paint her face with and I promise you won't hear a bloody peep from the back seat. If there's no double bed, invest a small sum in one of the blow up ones with the motor, you can put it up when you are ready to sleep and deflate in 2 mins when you get up next day.
Anxiety really can be a crippling illness, your dh needs to do some reading and work on his compassion

How old is DD? You say FIL died a few years ago. If she's three and at a very stubborn screaming phase, I understand car journeys can be arduous, but still, I wouldn't want to feel I couldn't go anywhere because of this: it's one small child. Can you not travel to a cheap Travelodge nearby (and then put the mattress on the floor right next to you or her go in with one of you if you are still co-sleeping) and actually spend a day or two with MIL? I bet if you bought her a digital telly, she'd be delighted. I also think taking her to the GP's would be very kind, if you can persuade her to go with you.

If your dd is older than 3, well, even then I'd just get on with it. One of mine gets travel sick, we can't not go anywhere because of it, we just give her a bowl and drive as nicely as possible and hope for the best! You can get in-car DVD players for £50 or so, listen to CDs on her own personal stereo, sing songs, all the usual stuff.

But it sounds to me like a bit of a power struggle between your DH and his mum, I entirely understand it's frustrating, my PIL will not travel to us even though it's much easier, so the consequence is they see us less, perhaps your husband could explain this to her, say you are happy to come X amounts of time but if she would like to see you more, then she could come to see you.

Ultimately, your dd won't be a bad traveller for ever, so be a bit careful about making this excuse. If she's anxious, she isn't going to start feeling better even if you threaten not to come, she'll just get in a paddy about it.

Yes - we have thought of getting the train, I think we will try it (maybe just me and DD)

I would so love her to seek help - but she would not go to the GP about it. Hmmm - I may broach the subject over a bottle of wine next time I do see her. What could I say??

YY to the portable dvd player - I think we need one in our lives! DD not used to the car as I don't have one so she only goes in it when DH is off work.

DoMeDon - I do post her photos regularly. She is only 60 though, hardly ancient!

I think you should visit her, sorry. I think she has a genuine problem and is not merely trying to be awkward. Encourage her to seek help, and either change the house set up (could she buy a sofa bed?) or stay in a hotel.

I've said it before and I stand by it - How a man treats his mother is how he will treat you.

He cant be bothered with his mother..... need I say more, you just wait a few years down the line.

I think I'd say that you've noticed she seems to find certain things difficult - and ask her if there's anything she'd like to do but doesn't because she's anxious about what would happen if she did.

I know it's not, when I say older - I literally mean older as opposed to younger - not sure how to express it but I nkow what I mean - my Dad can't do e-mail, texting, work the digi box, etc. I have a friend at work (57) who will not entertain a mobile phone. I am a bit of a technophobe myself!

Well that's cheered me up even more troisgarcons

As you say, 60 is not ancient, and there's no sensible reason she shouldn't be able to cope with texts etc. But more importantly she needs to get help with her anxiety?it's simple and easily available.
The current standoff sounds like a very useful opportunity to get it sorted?surely the prospect of not seeing her DGC should be a major incentive. For several of you to endure hours of torture in the car and inconvenience at her house every single time because she won't make the effort to go to the GP is just silly. If her anxiety affects her life that's one thing, but she shouldn't let it impinge on yours too.

I think there's a pretty good chance that you'll meet with denial though. If it's as long-standing as you say she may not wish to recognise that it is anxiety that is limiting her life , because her life's been moulded around it

OriginalJamie - I think you are exactly right, she has allowed/been allowed to mould her life around her anxiety problems. She hasn't worked for 30 years, and FIL used to drive her around everywhere. And he used to take my DH on annual summer holidays, leaving my MIL at home because she hated travelling .
And none of them thought it was strange at the time!